My marathon time goal…..like ok I’ll be honest in a way I feel it’s been reached. I know I can go faster and it’s a goal but…..I had about 5 good months where that was the focus. I was a near monk, and it was exciting and I loved that.

But it’s weird. I sort of have some body dysmorphia combined with real observations. And that tells me a lots changed because, I honestly didn’t give a shit before. Or maybe I was just so in my head and proud that it was like a wealthy man saying he didn’t care about money. Doesn’t matter — today, part of my subconscious is more fascinated by looking great than going wee. I hate that. I’m also more fascinated by how that became more fascinated. I don’t mind that. Hot take: find yourself really unattractive for objectively correct reasons — say all your teeth are different colors because you ate the wrong fruit. Let’s say you live like that for years and learn to socialize and still get along. Then, you find the right dentist who fixes your dam and everyone is all like GODDAMN GO YOOOO YEEEAH so you too, are all like YEYAY, and then all the noise dies down and you’re like “yeyay?” but your good smile is old hat. And that’s ok, getting used to the attention was never the point.

But then the whitening treatment fades a little. You feel that luster literally go and you suck bleach and, it works. But your stupid brain is a stupid brain. You don’t get the same dopamine rush. So you determine

maybe it’s your smile

your smile isn’t as lustery

And some people take it farther, and bleach two shades even whiter.

This is how bodybuilders feel skinny. And it’s fucking stupid too because, when you can have a self image of yourself that’s in great lighting and with a pump…and when you know that feeling of the hot girl oggling you and then realizing you don’t always look like insta.

I’m not trying to say I’m a victim. Just the opposite — I feel like I’m fucking champing. Just, there are different parts of me and some are really really dumb. There’s objective data, and there’s informational observations, and there’s theoretical concern, and there’s subjective “THIS IS GOOD AND THIS IS BAD” (which is the fucking stupidest of all) and there’s inferred theory that I look for with a confirmation bias and my point is

NONE OF THESE FUCKING PERSPECTIVES RESULT IN THE SAME APPRAISAL OF THE SAME FUCKING BODY. It’s like my fear of the ocean — part of my brain theorizes that there’s a collosal squid that wants to eat me and is constantly looking to see if that moving seaweed is a tenticle. Part of me has reviewed all data available and is so fucking conceited that it believes it understands the limits of all life that I could encounter. Part of me just thinks the water looks bad. Part of me thinks swimming is healthy and that i should do it. And it’s all the same fucking body. Brains are dumb. What I think is really key is — why care so much? That’s what I want to know. I think I’m a little narcissistic if I have to be appreciated for looking like I’m about to fight rocky all the time — that’s really fucking weird. Like what, that makes me worthy of inclusion, attention, praise, love? I mean not no. But the idea that I’d miss out on those for not having a weird look? Dafuck. Brains. Are. Dumb. Sezmybrain.

But when it comes to physicality it’s weird. I want to PR in australia, but I also want to see how well I can do it while also getting stronger now. Not big. And not like, joining the 1000’s club. But I’ve gotten to a fitness point where I can work out for HOURS and ….keep going. If the food and sleep are there, it’s np. And I’m kind of like…..can’t I make 15 pullups look like nothing? What would happen to me if I did? Will it make me slow? If so, how much? And can’t I just do some squats and balance that it? Will that all make me heavier which will make me slower? I don’t know. Let’s find out!

I don’t know why I’m like this either — although I do also enjoy 80% of it.

did I mention brains are dumb?