Uh, what a time.

There was a period where I wanted to post about dumb nice little things, like how the day after last post I went 4-1 in creed.  There were a couple of days where I was all about the sweat that that and other vr games broke, or how I’ve really started to get my cardio back by working it how I want to on the regular. But really, 2020 though.

“Oh my god, there’s like, a trigger warning. If you don’t like other people’s perspectives and need to exist in like, a safe echo chamber then please fuck right off.  Also if the word fuck offends you like, please don’t read this. Ok guys, like, omg right now. I like, can’t. Black people matter, you know?”


No, seriously, this America thing does get to me. I thought our country was going to be great and stuff, but I found yesterday really exausting.  Ahmed Aubery scares me because the video speaks for itself, and instead of agreeing on that and considering the kid’s family, some people are speaking from their ass.  Within the span of about a minute that kid, who I think is guilty of doing something I am too — running for the running’s sake — is good as dead.  And I already posted one of my experiences/overall stances about cops being a little too gung ho on ethillery.com….. (the bottom line is that so many instances would’ve de-escalated if there was mutual respect.) And then Floyd happened.

Maybe it’s because I’m just tired of it, but this is one of those rare times that I’m ambivalent about the scope of an issue: On one hand, I do think it’s just hot. I think people have gotten cooped up, and then spoon fed shit, so now everyone wants to engage in riot puking.  On the other hand, i think there are systemic issues, and videos of actual murder, because 4 minnepolis pd’s strangling a guy to death with their hands literally in their pockets as they do it – and the guy did not seem like a monstrous brother the entire time he was, you know, dying – well those murder videos shouldn’t result in casual conversations outside which defend the tragedy.
And I agree with one part of what Trevor Noah spat out in one of his rando videos: people tilt when a social contract is invalidated.

I don’t believe – more than that, I know – if I did that, even if I wasn’t the initial aggressor and felt it was self-defense, that’d be reckless endangerment and probably manslaughter if not murder charges at least, because it’s excessive force.

And uch.  This is the low hanging fruit. We’ve been pushed indoors because of a plague and then log online to see what’s up, find some video about the stir and then we’re swept up in being fed up. Because now this;


or this


just a van that’s been cocktailed, because batman, then a colored senator being pepper sprayed during what was supposed to be a peaceful demonstration just a few blocks away from my mom and L.  That there is a spot I walked by every day on the way to high school.

(Fuck I just turned into that old man, didn’t I.)

It’s not just fear that’s created actions that’s resulted in so much anger that’s getting increasingly violent. Fuck that Yoda premise, the real issue is that these altercations a predicated on disrespect.
Those fucking hicks who decided to protect dere turf with a gun and shot aubery? They didn’t have the respect to actually understand what the kid was probably doing (just putting one foot in front of the other…)  There isn’t a respect that comes with the presumption of possible innocence/decency. And there IS clearly a lot of that respect expected in abundances for those who’re blue, and much more often there is that respect when you’re not an outsider, and more often it helps to be white to not be an outsider.

I feel that all of the above is correct. I’ve had a few decades to sway to different point of views, and maybe I’ll have a few more so I’m still paying attention.

But, also bowguy.  The mob. Uch.

It’s one of those times again where there’s a spectrum of where people lay on the issue, and the extremes are objectionable, and getting louder.

You know that above photo with the van on fire? I read that two dumb insane twits from the catskills were arrested for doing it…. the catskills, and because internet, I saw their photos.  If they’re the ones culpable, I have some issue with that.

You could make a few generalizations about the catskills, but one of them is not that the nypd goes there and shoots black people….because they kind of can’t. That’s especially hard for a few reasons, so that pisses me off.  And things being close to home, during a fucking plague….

It also feels like the national dialogue has decided to take a sidequest at a rather shit time.  And part of me feels shame for calling it a sidequest, because I know stuff is happening now.

I just want people to question how they’re not respectful (not “how can white people ask themselves how they’re racist” what a fucking stupid and twisted premise) because it prevents a whole lot of this mess. I also …well let’s put it this way.

I have littler things in my experience book like being followed in stores. Yes that pissed me off, and it also kind of bugged me too when my blond / blue eyed friend just figured he didn’t want to go one either because the deals weren’t very good after I let him know it happened. More recently I’ve watched Jaidree get followed in stores by a stupid kid who was told to do so in another language, before proceeding to do it stupidly and obviously. The post on one of my other sites is not my only incident with bs policing. Yes I’ve had to wonder if a shitty interview that seemed to have no shot of getting off the ground was due to myself not looking like I fit some mold…..most of this doesn’t result in chronic anger or anything like irrational remorse (while watching these kill-videos sure seems to have an impact that approaches that…) Part of why not is because, I’m still going to be ok. Part of why not wallow in it all the time is because that would mean giving up all the good things in my life that make me feel ok with the capabilities of human civilization. For me, doing much better than wallowing in it means possible oppression didn’t define my existence.

And yet, most of all, another part of why these incidents don’t define my relationship to society is because because I’m able to identify that these isolated incidents were with especially stupid people.

And yet another part of that is because I think it’s outrageous if I couldn’t somehow work my way out of a shit situation.

But I guess sometimes it’s just outrageous, and that’s reality, and that’s why people are outraged.

Like I’ve said more than once, we’re all a victim of something, but those few instances don’t define an entire lifetime.  That’s a big point I think, they just set the parameters, and other people’s experiences just help inform what’s possible.  I guess it’s good there’s outrage as to what’s possible.  It’s very good in a sense.  But that also depends on a lot, and the timeliness…it’s just shit.

I’m done jerkoff soapboxing, and I hope I’ll be done being tired of the news soon too. Yesterday I read headlines about some new ebola outbreak of a new strain and just went, “Yeah not now.”

Mean it when I say I hope people stay safe.


What a time. What a time!

I mean it.  I haven’t felt as ambivalent about a time period in my life before….and for some reason I’m pretty sure I’ll be saying that again.  On one hand, technology is amazing….we’re casually dropping headline bombs about things like a parallel universe (which certainly isn’t a much simpler explanation), teleportation, robots….ai.   Medical science has (thank god) continued to improve buttloads.  More on that later.  But I like that.

On the other hand, the newscape is a circus, our politics are absurd…almost as if they’re designed to make sane people tune out… and I’m pretty sure I actually know what hatred is. And oh, that reality thing: we’re in a pandemic.

(I definitely don’t feel like going into the pandemic. If you’re not overwhelmed by pandemic info, thoughts, data, judgements, and opinions….just maybe you haven’t been hit that hard.)

So, yeah compared to a little less than a decade ago…..what a difference.

Hey, it’s somewhat random blather time!

Erik Erikson is one of those textbook psychologists who tried to parse out our lives in stages. But as opposed to say, half of Freud’s coked up nonsense, there’s a value into diving into Erikson’s theory.  He pretty much standardizes that there’s an internal conflict, a cool little epic of a long-term inside battle that everyone goes through at any period of their life.  If you’re on the good side of this scale, you reap your laurels and get to progress to the next stage and next challenge.   If you don’t, you kind of get the mud of a bad side staining the rest of your existence.  And they’re 8 cool little categories that I think most people should find very relatable.  No, we don’t all box up as neatly as the theory postulates, but I’ve never not found some value in applying the theory whenever I’m also randomly analyzing goals.


Anyway, his second to last stage is a nice lazy lumping of everyone into a category called “Generativity vs Stagnation”.   It’s that ideal of feeling productive, vs feeling like you’re sitting around and are-you-a-waste-of-space-why-are-you-even-here.  And while I think the ways I measure it can vary, I’m also ok with my weeklies in new ways.  There’s numbers.  It’s nice to relax financially.  It’s nice to feel colder about stock losses/gains because it’s not my food and shelter that’s on the line, but something more expendable.  And I know some things I used to be more passionate and active about, like weird techniques, like succeeding in weird personal games that still matter, but can take a back seat in ways that I’d absolutely refuse a decade ago.  Before, generative felt like completing a manuscript, and something with real potential to invoke an internal change.  Nowdays, a personal philosophy of generative….well I want to say it doesn’t exclude that, but it’s also less exclusively up my own ass, which is nice.

And, on the other hand, I think I’m a fatty mcfatfat.  At least by my own standards, and compared to the way I was nearly a decade ago.

Yesterday I played Creed VR and enjoyed it to the point that I had to stop because my body was making me.

Man, could I turning into one of those middle lifed fellers who would tout the physicality of some past-tense version of their self?   Yeah, I could (but I don’t wanna!) I’ve kind of always had a couple of specific feels about that kind of nostalgia 1) Everyone has a physical peak, and most peoples’ hits before they’re mid-30, so enjoy the nostalgia but also know when to get over it.  Because 2) a body can be as enjoyable and awesome for as long as it’s enjoyable and awesome.  The tricks are simply to be born lucky, work it up, and not lose it.

So yeah, maybe more regular dishapwine again because that helps with the last two.  The above bit that I rambled about about — looking at income as a high-priority form of generativity, part of me knows how that’s regrettable if it actually displaces say, learning how to have awesome techniques, or really appreciating living in one’s own skin.  For a recent example (and this is going to sound really dumb but who cares):

Preeeeetty sure I’m above average in being able to handle myself in a fight.  Yet, in Creed VR where there might be a couple of differences I tried my first five pvp matches and lost 5/5 yesterday.  Came close each round, didn’t feel like I got slaughtered, but they always reached the last KO before I did.  A decade ago I’d be working on techniques and reflexes and feeling satisfied about gaining those, and my body would go with that ride for hours and hours, and then it would do it again.

I’m not as gifted as I once was, but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to let a chair train my body more than anything else. Oh I’m gonna have more fun with creed, and I’m going to beat some younger folks who’ve played way more than me soon, mark my words.  Just wait until my lower back heals. *shakes fist*

Because yeah, I’m getting a diamond of grey in my chest. It’s right over where my heart feels like it thuds against when it pounds too hard.  I kind of like it, but it’s also a reminder that time is a thing.  I talked about medical science advancing, and all I’ll say is as far as I’m concerned time carries challenges and milestones.  There’s really know perfect way to look at the reality that Mom beat a threatening, scary, dread-bringing cancer within a period of months last year, and still seems bubbly and vibrant.  (More reasons to be fucking thankful for science and prudent people.) Dad is putting up with and pushing through congestive heart failure, resolving realities like he’s one of the oldest in his entire family now or managing having a pitiful and insane brother.  No one’s perfect, but it’s new to me seeing how dad’s aged, or today when he chooses to take a seat back, relax, ask for help, or observe more than just, opine.  It feels like change to me and again, reminders.

Time is a thing.

There’re three fronts I’m planning to be more generative:

One, not letting myself go physically. I think it’s high time I refocus, and avoid the negatives that will continue to come with increased aging with some goddamn exercise / cutting back on empty fats. Simple.

Two, chasing positives — getting dem habits that’ll make me prouder of my physicality in a decade. I think having a great history and doing feats that speak for themselves is admirable, but let’s say I hit 300 pounds.  Well, I wouldn’t admire a 300 pound me bragging that I once ran a marathon, and no one else should.

Three, compartmentalization as a habit.  Acting on wisdom more than a capacity to figure things out.

Psychologically, a person can take years off their own life.  One time, when I was 8 and didn’t know what I’d believe is possible in the universe I was riding on a bus to camp. This other kid, alex asked me if he could have a second. I said sure.  He said thanks, and then claimed he was going to live a second longer now. I thought, oh no, what what type of dark powers does this contract carry? Wait does that mean I’m going to die a second sooner?   Wait I really want that second back!  And oh now, now I’m spending multiple seconds worry about that second I lost neooooooooo!!!

And I think that’s a really good homologue for what lots of folks, including myself can do to their selves. Who isn’t a victim at some point in their life? Who didn’t have some sort of regrettable event, or wish something went better?  My rational side knows: learning what you can and moving on should beat ruminating for eva.  As in, there’s a time and a place for everything, and part of optimizing is not sitting around and focusing on a negative for longer than there’s a real value to it. (and man, it’s extra easy during a pandemic to do that, isn’t it?)   But if you want to thrive, and not just exist or survive, you have to focus on the what-can-you-do and what-can-you-make-betters. It’s heart healthy in the end.

I’m going to go play creed now, and I miss all the special food markets being open.  Anyway, that’s my shower-thought blather storm of the day.  Time to stretch and play.


Random Assertion

No context needed: I’ve never had a problem with not-smart people. There will always be people who are openly “hey I’m not super smart but” and they try their best, they’re fine people.  In fact they can be the nicest, extra-cool, or especially careful or self-aware.  Easy chills and good, valuable times.

But then there are people who feel entitled to be dumb.  The problem there is they’re never more than just dumb and loud (and often obnoxious and annoying uses of time) and I find those people about just as disagreeable as a person can get.

Welp, let’s tell my last post to suck it because last week I had a 19 hour workday.  There’s something about wrapping up and going “Oh hey, I’m 5 hours away from a 24 hour work day.”

Thank the union and capitalist gods for overtime I guess.


But more importantly, FOOD:


I learned how to deep fry.  Or rather, I explored how to deep fry.   Anyone who can make soup, can deep fry.  The difference is boiling something in lipids vs water.  And I like taking a creative and an experimental approach, for example wings.  Are fried wings really better than baking? (The answer is yes.) But what if you combine the two, and bake and then flash fry wings? Turns out that’s even better than fried, unless you’re eating the chicken as soon as it’s cool enough.   And are hot wings better than bbq? (Answer, only sometimes) How about onion rings? Can you use greek yogurt a batter ingredient? (answer, fuck yeah)  Can you fry any meat? (answer, yes) Is fish, steak, chicken or pork most enchanced by deep frying? (answer, yes)

And to offset all the unhealth of 9 pounds of chicken, 2 lb of steak, cod and flounder, pork chops, battered tofu, and fucking onions, I’ve also been making a bone broth and then pouring that over purple cabbage, garlic, green onions and ginger.

Purple cabbage bleeds.  It bleeds into what young-me decided was the cutest hair color.  You just let it soak, and if you pour the boil over the cabbage into a purple container and glance at it every 30 seconds, the color diffusion is more hypnotic and transformative than any ole lava lamp.  I even put beets on the bottom because beets are healthy and make the gradient even more dramatic.

And then I’ve been craving that cabbage stuff the most.  Don’t know why, but I don’t question something that my gut says is healthy (that’s a pon) so I’ve been making that daily.  Except after last friday, the 19 hour day.

Came home and passed out.

Left this mixture out. Sealed.

Came out the next morning after crashing for 14 hours.

I’m gross and have no problem eating almost any food that’s been out for half a day.  FDA guidelines can kiss my ass, there’re starving wallabies out there so who am I to waste food.

But I grabbed the container and immediately realized something questionable.

Jaidree; omg is that bubbling?

Me: Uh *shakes* yeah


Me: *shakes more, mesmerized by the production of gas bubbles from within a liquid mass* Um


Me: Oh. Yeah seems like it *opens lid* Hey is that sauerkraut?


Me: Hm. *reseals lid and googles how to make sauerkraut*

And yes, it turns out that with the exception of bone broth (which you can also ferment, even though I have no idea why one would) that with the amount of salt in that sucker that yes, I have followed a recipe for sauerkraut.   So obviously, I left that out for days more, and even though you’re supposed to let it sit for weeks I got impatient and ate half yesterday.

It’s amazing to me when feed doesn’t rot, but instead transforms into something else.  And I’m the type of weirdo who loves kraut.  And now I’m the type of weirdo who can say he loves his own kraut.

And that’s how I happily discovered how to kraut.  I can’t imagine how many great food recipes are happy accidents, but this is one for me.





Anyway, I’m still learning a lot from my job.  There is a part of me that feels like I’m settling for mediocrity and giving up on certain dreams, but there’s a bigger part of me that thinks that’s almost entirely and patently false.  I took a bargain by trying to have visions turned into traditionally published novels and part of that was that after a few years of trying hard I can apply myself in an office and try later, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.  I’m certainly proud more than any other feeling about being able to report in to where I do.  I have a great manager, I’m part of a great and talented team, and things like say, social security and JPMC have taught me you can not take either of those things for granted.

SSA taught me that politics can overwhelm a sense of team because to me, there, the club mentality was that ownership is more of a risk than anything.  To me, that was why government agencies don’t have people driven to tackle a backlog as much as get their hours in.  (And if I have to express that that’s my opinion based on my experience, kiss my butt, cause that’s certainly what I experienced, hard.)  JPMC taught me that a team’s manager when they need to feel like the most succesful and most recognized individual that games will be had.  I can elaborate on that but think people should elaborate on that for themselves if needed — because smart people playing games can make others’ heads spin.  That’s obvious.

You know why I think emotional intelligence is such an important factor in a workplace environment?  Why I think it correlates with so many people who are high functioning in professional industries? Because it aligns their output with their motivations in the most adaptive way.  Emotional intelligence is knowing when you are not entitled to simply get what you want, as much as creating a plan to earn something and make that clear to others what you hope to earn and get them on board.  Emotional intelligence lets you know if you have such an impoverished ego that you need to misconstrue others’ intentions.  Emotional intelligence lets you do more than feel threatened by others good work, and want to attack others’ poor work.  Emotional intelligence helps predict appropriateness and (others’) sincerity, and take pleasure in playing as part of a greater whole, let’s you take pride and caution in withdrawing from a questionable one, and real joy out of earned success.

Maybe when AI and robots really make pure skill specialization an even bigger factor in professional industry success, then maybe the merit of pure skill will make someone a cut out for being an industrial top dog, but until then, I do think emotional intelligence is at least as important as IQ and skill in anything involving collaboration.  And obviously, a person can’t pick one of the three.


So with that, I’m going to end this rant with this:

Some amazing skills are learned through taking things slowly and painfully first.  Rhythm management games for example — no one learns to be great at one by jumping in at 600 bpm immediately — they develop a background of built reflexes first.  It says a lot when a person has the patience to make themselves learn, and the drive and ambition to acclimate and build. One reason I love the example of vidya games.

But this is where logical people become interesting.  And this too is my (correct) opinion: there’s a huge difference between a logical conclusion and an opinion.  *cough* Opinionated rationale time:

I think more often than not, logical people had painful childhoods.  Not to say traumatized, poor poor victim childhoods it’s just, kids are pain in the ass, impulsive, wonderful but silly creatures.  Sure some kids have that verve and were gifted with the charisma and impulses that made them appealing then.  I’m thinking, a good portion of those who experienced the immediate benefit of charisma may also carry the logic to retroactively analyze why their impulses kicked butt and keep evolving those —  got to be a great benefit, but that’s not the group I’m focusing on.  I want to focus on the nerds who ultimately prove that nerds rule.

I think coldly logical kids are probably not immediately liked.  Rather than hindsight, the ones that build on caution and foresight might not want to jump in to interact.  People who intuit through logic more probably function like introverts because, holy fuck it’s overwhelming to calculate the array of reactions other people can have to almost anything.  This makes for reserved kids.  And of course a cold, reserved kid is going to become a target for silly dumb kids.

But my point is how often these kids become extraordinarily cool adults.  It’s a trial learning to go from a standard difficulty to an expert one.  But logical kids driven to become experts in their own version of cool? They become extraordinary.  Their reflexes, the way their gut speaks and informs on what they think is cool? Makes them badasses in their 30’s.  And this is why I think nerds rule.  I think reflection is a huge factor in adaption and evolving, and some simply won’t do this as much, or as well.  That’s going to carry a cost.

Basically, folks who are illogical and loud are their own biggest obstacle. Sometimes folks with this combination might be fun, sure, and I’m sure like anyone they’re capable of demonstrating great virtues, but they’ll have a hard time feeling like a validated, excellent person.  So if I had to choose groups to bank on for some reason, I think logical kids who have experienced challenging childhoods can grow into some of the most outstanding adults.


Now it’s time for a loud opinion: Cool nerds can make the best leaders.


I don’t know why some people like to talk about pain.

I really don’t.

If you’ve found a chance to talk about pain that your listener didn’t realize was an opportunity to talk about pain at all, ask yourself: why are you really talking to this listener.

Also, if you’ve had the chance to learn how to spell “lose” and “loose” and haven’t yet gotten the reigns on that, you suck.

These two thoughts are attached because the above types of people will randomly bring up tragic looses.


Lessons Learned: Decade Review

Time is super finite, and going faster and faster, but no one can prove it.

A key trait among toxic people is they think they’re the only one’s allowed to be angry and expect everyone to validate their narrative.

Try, if you don’t succeed, try again.  If you still don’t succeed, get good.  If you don’t get good, do something else – it’s just life man, it’s not that serious.

There are songs from your childhood that will follow you to the end of your days, and it’s damn fine to occasionally remind yourself of their magic.

Not everyone ages at the same rate.

There is no shame in trying something new, and there’s tons of glory in doing it well.

Education allows for greater recreation.

Readership ain’t what it used to be, and that correlates with so much more.

Technology is way, way more than it used to be.

If you want to work out, focus on busting your ass.  Focusing on work out toys is a recipe for excuses and disappointment.

Cheaters are automatic losers.

A succinct email is more powerful than a thorough one.  Less is more.

If you don’t question, you’re a fool.

If you don’t ask when you should have, you’re an idiot.

If you just doubt, you’re a drag.

Great people tend to find gooder relationships.

If you have money, invest it in something.

Seriously, you’re fucking doofyface if you’re just sitting on any amount of money.

A good boss and a good team is many times more valuable than the paycheck offered.

You can kill yourself over not being perfectly happy but there’s still massive peace to be found in recognizing the reliability of being perfectly content.

It’s easy to identify a person who has a certain sense of magic.  It’s easier to underestimate their worth.   It’s medium-easy to be an arrogant prick who asserts a person’s undervalued worth, but still pretty easy.

“I don’t know” is only an ignorant statement when it’s lazy.

If someone can provide something that is high quality, cheap, and fast, they’re an undervalued intern.

Every action has a reaction, so someone probably dislikes you.

Social currency is a thing.

Please and thank you are important words. Even when they’re not sincere.

Some people just get a wide berth. That’s human chemistry.

If you can’t nicely tell someone to fuck off, don’t say anything at all.

Few things in life have a higher return than good nutrition.

Dependency means turning an asset into a liability.

VR isn’t exactly here, but the tech getting there is pretty solid.

If going out with someone doesn’t lead to a better night than staying at home with a tunafish sandwich, wtf are you doing.

AYCE > The Tunafish Sandwich Standard.   So go outside.

Things that are stimulating get less stimulating when a person gets really good at them, unless there is actual competition.

Never, ever, ever, not calculate the cost of doing nothing.