I’m not sure if I’m biased towards my teen-y years, or if I’m correct in thinking America had less internal conflict right after Y2K.  I know social media (and being older) makes all any expressed, surface level pain seem more ubiquitous than it really is…..but I sort of have the feeling that racism is louder today than it was 20 years ago.

I could go into why that could be, but that’d be skipping steps and assuming that the premise is correct.


And for the record, I’m still counting my blessings.  Also the latest hearings are making me think of America as that person with chronic pain who no longer wants to pay any more attention to their limp than they have to.




on next week’s random thought-piece:

Professional victims, why were their dads so mean?


So, the fitness thing is a big personal boon to myself.    This is for me, but I’ve noticed that light workouts (I consider ’em maintanance) have me feeling more like a kid again.  We’re talking elevated mood, sitting up straight, pleasure from things like music, increased focus.


One of the lessons I liked from the guy I worked for in lab – he’d always get deep and angry and gruff and goes “Studies with feedback loops are stupid as they’re stupid things that don’t show causation….you haven’t proven if an increase of X leading to an increase in Y is caused by Y being an underlying mechanism for X”


In this case (oh gawd, I actually want to say ergo)

I can’t know if an increased mood and that inherent good stuff is making me work out more, or if working out is increasing the good stuff, cause they’re related.

But I do, the drama of last year almost wore me down, but one of the things about me is this: I’m very stubborn.  However, things that do wear on you do take away from your faculties and resources, and that inherent good stuff. And, waking up and having it in me to dwell on them….that’s part of being human.  When ish goes down, it’s natural to want to confront it, your brain sees it as a problem and wants to attack/fix it.  And when it’s not yet resolved…I think it’s natural to have that in the forefront of consciousness.  But deciding to do 15 minutes of basic exercise, getting a heartrate up….I can recognize consistently — by the time I sit down, I’m feel even better; I feel even more at peace about the rest of my day, I feel more resilient, happy, and like making jokes.  Like the stupid stuff is even more little than it was before I started.  Even more petty, and not worth putting extra energy in.

Maybe I’m in a better mood due to better news I’m earning my way that goes far outside the realm of a little work out here and there, but I know this deep in the warm fuzziness of the warm fuzzy corners of my soul — these little work outs go far beyond themselves. They add up too.

I don’t think it’s in my disposition to be a truly depressed person, but I don’t think I’m perfectly immune from the effects that some crazy people can have.  I am however, pleased to say that it’s not part of my character to just sit about it, and that makes me feel good about myself, and no one and nothing short of losing all my limbs can take that away, and I really like that.




so I don’t mean to make a fitness post too hard but I’m gonna express

It’s not that I got fat,

but I definitely feel like I got fat.  I’m still keenly aware of how much I weighed and what being fit – on my terms – feels like, when I was.  I actually got to a point for many years in a row where I was comfortable with my ability — and a thing is, I still kept working at it.  But since my last grandparent died, since some crazy stuff hit the fan, and strangely, since I quit every form of smoking (which i think I compensated for with more beer and other stuff in my face-hole) and moving into a new neighborhood with all this great food.

Well, look, a marathon weight is probably as light of a weight anyone’ll get to measure their healthful self against.  And while I never was a true marathon weight, before mine, I’m keenly aware that I was 180 when I ran mine.  At my height, that’s the lower end of what’s considered a healthy bmi, judging by charts I’ve read.  I was healthy. I was doing a-ok.

Yes, I know, a focus on weight is not a good metric of fitness, considering how much muscle can weigh, but when you are starting to feel weak and the numbers are going up, there’s probably work to be done.

So I’ve been making deals with myself, and one of the better ones has been daily pushups.  Like, I spend so much goddamn time behind a PC that I decided I’m gonna watch a thing for an hour, and do at least 2-4 pushups every minute for an hour straight.  I figured that was so petty and stupid and little, (doing two pushups in a row should make any bro laugh) but I did that last night. And holy crap, I woke up with shoulders.

So I’m gonna keep this up, I’m about to go on a long run, and while I enjoy my body and life, I’m not gonna let myself be any crappier than I already am.  And the plan is: routine.  Something every day.  I don’t care what time, I’m vowing not going to be a sedentary human, because the three days I’ve done something active, I’ve noticed being in a really good mood the day after, and that makes perfect sense.

So again: routine. Dishapwine.

They’re not easy answers, but they’re simple answers.


I did it! First try!


I want to goof and joke and type something stupid like “um….to all my hateerrrs, well, education is still pretty cool.  And um, I’m gonna keep climbing this ladder of opportunity to see what great stuff life can bring so like, enjoy the view of my butt.”


But in all seriousness, I’m very content about today’s achievement.   It’s been years since I’ve taken a big exam, and I’m happy that I can still get results.  Tomorrow now has prospects for being a really big day, cause now I’m eligible for lots of prospects, and it feels like a big deal.


I’m just gonna point out that practice tests are fantastic, I’ve become convinced that they sort of trick your brain into finding information relevant.



Trials do that.  In a good way.   I’m afraid too many folks out there test themselves out on social media — test their relevance, test their impact, test their popularity or what have you — vs testing themselves to a book, to see if they’ve gotten a book.


Cause for chrissakes, I’m trying to absorb what I guess is a big textbook of very dry stuff.   The material does get interesting when you know enough to laser focus when you need to, when you need to, but, there’s a lot of stuff too which’s not as interesting as the remainder of said material.  (And I say that because I’m the sort that hates memorizing dates, or hates memorizing stuff I know I can look up later)

….I want to say, consider how much of a prism is actually used in bending light to show a revealed color….

^but that’s probably an embellishment, and loses people, so I’m not gonna use that explanation.
I’m just saying, my attitude is, learning enough to crystalize knowledge so that information can filter through you probably means that a portion of that knowledge won’t get used….and that’s still just how some things work.



Anyway, really, practice / sample / mock tests…..pass or fail, I mean it about how they probably help trick the subconscious into finding dry things wetter.

I say, practice tests make review and information absorption much, much more of a keen activity.
If you’re studying a less conditioned interest….. try it. Then see how you feel about studying after.


Goal: kick this exams ass


surrender to America






I still feel like if the stuff that’s more “magical” than that is supposed to happen, it’ll happen.  If not, alright.  As long as you’ve made that a possibility rather than expecting it to fall in one’s lap.
I’ve always kind of accepted the reality that, if reality doesn’t want me to succeed with the efforts I’ll actually give, then, fine — there’s quite a bit to be said for push it and hope the next generation keeps being a thing that’ll give hope.  Or the generation after that.


Not always an optimistic thing, but there’s also a lot to be said for a dialectic, too.


I also like the idea that idealistic people propogate ideals in some shape or form.
They don’t have to do so directly.  And while I’ve always, always hoped I’d be the person to do so directly, I’d be happy to be some sort of actor that makes way for someone else to do that.  There’s still good as an end result of that.


Anyway, that’s my way of saying just cause I can write two interesting books, that I also know I can’t depend on ’em.  That’s the rationale of going “k” and “and” in addition to sending query letters….which I now think I know how to do.

I want to add to that note, cause I also know that I wrote two interesting novels.   One’s about an AI, and the other’s about a god that wants all human sentience, but can’t encapsulate a modern musician.   Both of these kick ass, and I dig that.  But if that’s as far as that goes, fine.  I hope it’s not.  And I don’t give up, and still don’t, but, the eggs in that basket have been kicked and getting stale.

And moreover, on the other hand I wanna provide for others and am sick of sucking.

So fine, America.

Fucking, fine.

I gave it a couple years.  I think that’s fair, and if that’s held against me, whoever is holding it against me is a jealous person who’s a bigger dongleberry than I.


(Seriously, I know people who think I’m a dongleberry for giving multiple dreams a shot.  Considering some of the people I’ve served in service…who get served daily….c’mon, that’s just a bit shameful.)


I think it’s sad how many dreamers couldn’t give shots to their dreams.

But on that note: I think many things are sad.

And, at least we’re alive and there’s always hope for more, and the next day carrying as much.
If you try, and the next day carries some possibility of more than indulgence, that’s a special way of being alive.   I can honestly say that’s a philosophy I’ve really tried to sustain, and I know it’s gotten me more than nothing.  But there’s a lot to that too.


It’s just good to do more than suck.  I know that.


There’s lots to be said for other virtues besides not sucking, too.


The world view described in some of the previous paragraphss coitenly isn’t the only one.


Anyway, I’m planning to dig in to some of the stuff that’ll lead to smaller goals that can escalate.


Welp, got another request for a full, and this one was for BAHAMUT, and it made me wanna run around yelling “GOOOOOOOAL all day”


but instead I edited the whole thing

in one day

yeo, this one’s way easier to read than Disjuncture!


Definitely, definitely learned a lot from book one.  I think this partially proves it.