I feel that I’m at a few crossroads…but the forks are less clear. This is because in some ways, my perception is too derpy. Let’s start with the light stuff

Physically I’m simultaneously in two places I never thought I’d be. I’ve been regularly tired since trying to continue training the week after the NYC marathon. I’m also pretty damned capable and in a zone that’s much less explored for 6’4 weirdos. And apparently also a poster child for my firm now…if you log into my company for work, I’m on the homepage with the company’s shirt looking ok in the ny marathon. It’s not a small company so that doesn’t feel like a small deal.

But I think I’ve needed to take a step back and recognize that marathoning, while it’s kind of an emblem, esp. when poster boy ish happens, is also a leisure activity that’s part of a complete lifestyle. While I wish I was a professional runner. If so life would be tricky, but also sofa king simple: just be faster than everyone and a slice of the world will love you.

But that’s not my road or race. I don’t think most people understand how old I actually am.

There’re other neat things I ought to do. But anyway let’s dig in.

I still have loads to share, but another question becomes why.

What if my fitness became a more private thing after a point — social media-ers have really done a lot about raising expectations about public fitness, and I think having a zeal that’s completely intrinsically driven has its perks most.

It’s weird because I do want to have a stop and process point about marathoning, but Houston is also 7 weeks away. I know it’s gonna eek me if I kind of do a casual marathon that’s slower than 9 months ago so I want to avoid that. It’d indicate that I’ve either tapped out and reached the end of mi-experiment (doubt that). Or that I’m not the smartiest about my training (super likely).

On that note I have overtrained…finally. I said earlier that I’ve been exhausted since the last nyc marathon and due to a combination of factors, yeah I’ve got to be very very very very very careful or else I’m gonna impact race day dangerously. And it’s weird because seeing the physical signs saying that I’ve got to be very very careful….someone who’s known me since high school pointed out that it looks like I can pull off hard things very easily. I didn’t think that was completely true and that might underestimate the amount of consistency and work that went in, and he was also making a point how some people have less ideal starting hands which I readily acknowledge.

It’s weird. Let’s have a philosophical explore of something I think is hard to be objective about: ableism. Is it objectively fair to say anyone can do a marathon? Not my words, but I often want to say or agree with, but i know that can rub an ooty pooter the wrong way. 1) Obviously there are some people who have a physical disability and can’t (although the number of handicapped people who can run or complete a marathon deserve applause) 2) Some people give themselves permission to not be their ablest selves — which as an American I have to say is their right and choice (like if that makes you happier and supports your well being more, by all means enjoy ‘n fokaff). The key bit that rubs me wrong about the second point is some people are aggressive about it. As in I don’t mind distancing myself from people who geek excuses, esp if they SDE that triggers envy with their own personal battles they want an army for — I’m tired and feel how few hours there are in a day every gotdanged day.

But through that, esp over the last two years as I’ve checked into new communities and veins, I’ve met people who push habits in surprising ways

and this is where the marathoning lifestyle thing stands strong and becomes more about principal than leisure — this is where it is possible for me to seem annoying and where I enjoy this activity more as a prviate one because of these, fucking, aggressive people.

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE OPENLY HAVE SHITTY HABITS AND EXCUSES, WOW.

As in, when I was super overweight ..at least I acknowledged that I chose that, with things like how I gave into lousy eating habits, and that I was underperforming. I don’t know what’s the deal with some folks did mommy or daddy make ’em feel like they’re unloved unless they’re not getting criticism or something? Because I was able to be critical about my own decisions — result was didn’t make up some bs or ask stupid questions like how was my fitness getting shit away so fast, or buying some fairy tale about ooooooh aaaawowowowooww OWU my hormones or left pinky toe make it UMPOSSIBULL.

That’s some babyadultpoobullshit in a logic diaper at least 90% of the time. Can I be gifted but believe most humans are capable of being mobile and able-bodied with the right decisions? Because that’s where I land, and I find America will generate annoying responses if you live that mentality — I’m not even talking about pushing it on other people in your interactions with them. Just if you are open about your fitness (because it’s also a fucking hobby which means you might be eager to open up about it) you might trigger disableism in response.

And I want to rant on this for one smidgeon: there are people who actually act like their body is the product of something out of resident evil and with delulu lack of accountability, they have no idea how illogical their logic sounds in the face of realities like: the universe sings in physics.

You know how in resident evil movies someone gets the t-virus and immediately starts quadrupling in size into some weird giant zombie monster? So that won’t happen in reality — and not because zombies don’t exist (they do) — but because unless you can literally suck the air out of a room, there’re feeding periods required to quadruple in size and matter doesn’t come from nothing.

So in my correct opinion, some people have super shitty excuses enabling them to learn how to never work hard, yet I’m also super aware that I’m going to be the one who seems overbearing if I don’t validate those excuses.
I’m here trying to bust my ass or be in bed by a good hour, and I’ve literally been called by alcoholics on the rant at 2am.
And after listening to what they’re bitching about, some of it including the life realization that they’re getting big and hating that and realizing that my communicating this weird idea that 2.5k calories in booze a day doesn’t just help catalyze one’s transformation into a rotbrained manic –but also self conscious about becoming an obese rotbrained manic….is that a great use of my time? Maybe I should surround myself with folks who’re using their brainpower to find a different kind of territory to be unexplored…

And it’s just not the loddydoo. I also need to recognize that people will sometimes have a direct response of talking about why they don’t run marathons, and that one secret trick is to recognize that they’re bringing this up when I didn’t even ask or apply any pressure to do one. And then stfu on my true opinion in responses to that response unless asked because it’s obviously a sensitive topic.

Anyway, yeah I can see why I’d seem like a pain in the ass if I’m not careful.

And on the note of being careful, that’s getting trickier nowadays — I’m constantly tired and still learning to push myself and like I said, that’s teaching a lot that I like, but there’re lots of crossroads as I run through middle aged.

Non-running: Currently buying stocks and trying to enjoy a private existence more and more– as the above indicates over engaging with my fellow but secretly competitive American can start to take the piss from the fun.