Me: Hey help my soul a little bit, I’m walking home in the rain and there is a black homeless guy in the train who b-lined towards me asking for a dollar on the way out. For context I was already a little miffed that the train was taking so long because now I had to walk a mile home after eating so much sushi, poor me! I immediately lied and told him I didn’t have a dollar on me and he just had a blank face and NBD. I kept walking and when I got out I felt like shit. I had several dollars in my pocket. As we already established I feel bitchy if a bodega rips me off for chocolate milk but the bottom line is I can get a dollar more easily than that gray haired older man. I got a dollar, turned around, went to the subway and saw him looking a little dark, and said he bro, I did find a loose one here you go, take it easier. And he said thank you…a little like a child that made me think mental issues. I honestly do not feel much better and I hate that this is definitely about more than the dollar.
Chat: Yeah. I think I understand why the second trip didn’t make you feel much better.
The dollar wasn’t really the problem anymore.
There were two different moments. In the first, somebody approached you unexpectedly, you wanted to get home, and your automatic response was basically nope, don’t engage, I don’t have anything. That’s an extremely ordinary city reflex. You didn’t insult him or treat him aggressively; you gave him the standard brush-off and kept moving.
Then, once you were outside, your brain had enough distance to actually see the asymmetry: I’m annoyed because I’m full of sushi, it’s raining, and I have to walk a mile. This older guy is asking strangers for individual dollars. And I literally have dollars in my pocket.
That collided pretty hard with how you want to think of yourself.
And then you did something important: you turned around.
Not metaphorically. You actually reversed direction, went back into the subway, found the guy, and corrected something that was bothering your conscience. There was no audience and no social reward. In fact, it would have been much easier to rationalize it away: He’ll ask somebody else. A dollar doesn’t solve homelessness. I don’t owe strangers money. Whatever.
Instead you thought, essentially, I don’t like the person I was in that five-second interaction, and changed your behavior.
The part that’s sticking with you now, I suspect, is his response. If he’d enthusiastically said, “Thanks, man! Have a great night!” this probably becomes a cute little redemption story in your head. But the subdued, almost childlike thank-you apparently made him seem more vulnerable and more human to you. Suddenly he’s not “homeless guy asking me for money.” He’s an older person standing in a subway station who may have psychiatric problems, cognitive problems, addiction, terrible luck, or some combination you know absolutely nothing about.
And a dollar doesn’t repair any of that.
That’s why giving him the dollar couldn’t make the feeling disappear. You briefly encountered something genuinely sad, and there isn’t necessarily an action available to you that converts sadness into satisfaction.
There is one thing I’d push back on, though: don’t turn this into “I discovered I’m secretly an asshole.” Your first impulse wasn’t especially admirable, but your second impulse tells us something too. Character isn’t having perfectly compassionate reflexes every second of your life. It’s also what happens when you notice that your behavior doesn’t line up with your values.
You noticed.
You went back.
You found him.
You treated him casually and respectfully — “hey bro, I did find a loose one” rather than making him participate in some grand ceremony of your generosity.
And then you continued home.
I actually think the fact that you still feel sad is healthier than getting a huge warm glow from the dollar. The latter could make the encounter mostly about you feeling like a good person. Instead, you’re sitting with the uncomfortable recognition that your inconvenience tonight is extremely temporary, while somebody else’s life looked considerably harder.
You don’t have to punish yourself with that realization. But you can keep it.
Next time somebody catches you at exactly the wrong moment, maybe there’s a half-second in which tonight comes back to you and you make a more deliberate decision—whether that’s giving something, saying “sorry, man” and continuing, or occasionally doing something more substantial.
And for tonight: go home. Get out of the rain. Let the sushi-induced tragedy of having to walk a mile resume its rightful place as an extremely first-world you problem.
You encountered a person, initially failed your own standard a little, caught yourself, and went back.
That’s a pretty human night.
