WHY AM I SO GOOD AT PUBLIC SPEAKING

FUCK

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME TO DO IT

THEY THINK I LIKE IT

FUCK

NO I DON’T

I MEAN SOMETIMES I DO BUT ONLY WHEN I’M SAYING WHAT I WANNA SAY

AND SOMETIMES, FUCK, PEOPLE WANT ME TO SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY SO

FUCK

FIONE

FUCK.

I MC’D THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.

THERE WERE BIG SCARY PEOPLE IN THE ROOM BUT I REMEMBERED EVERYONE WANTS THIS TO BE A SUCCESFUL GOOD TIME AND LIKE MARATHONS, I ACCEPTED IMPERFECT BUT THOUGHTFUL AND EXECUTED EXECUTION AND SUCH WAS THE WAY

nbd just get people to raise their hand with important question and then be pleased by their data and explain to everyone that you’re grateful that they’re helping to make what is now corporate history by taking a break to enhance their cultural awareness with this enjoyable event and point out obvious things that that no one will disagree with like how we all need to eat and we all need to connect but tradition yeah that neat stuff let’s us transform that into memories that get more important as time passes ok great you totally weaponized the word tradition like a lightsaber and cut that butter cake good everyone’s agreeing quick point out how great the great leaders are ok stop quick introduce the dancers but also reassure people that you will not be dancing ok now force them to listen to why you’re grateful for 30 seconds then ask them to enjoy themselves before the young ones think about doomscrolling

I checked and heart rate was not under 112 the entire time.

BUT PEOPLE SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME HOW CALM I WAS

EVEN WHEN THINGS WENT WRONG

AND IT’S LIKE

GREAT I’M GLAD YOU THINK SO

WHY IS EVERYONE COMING UP TO ME OH GOD I HAVE TO POLITELY EXCUSE MYSELF TO GET PICTURES TAKEN AND THEN RETURN TO THIS OH FUCK ALL THE FOOD IS GONE AND I WANT TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT HOW INSIDE I’M LIKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(but others won’t laugh unless I do it well)

FAK

So then I left when it was time and only after I got on the train I realized I left my favorite airshok headphones behind.

FUCK

RIP

(I already ordered new ones[_^fok])

So finally said fuck it and ordered a cello. Have to wait a week for it to get here.


I dunno man…kind of just want to try cello. I don’t know why I’m like this either.

I am stranded and stuck in a country that I had no plan to be in. I’m in Copenhagen. Dutch culture is FASCINATING (and tall) and I really wish I studied it more because it’d be interesting but as it stands, I’m a calc student being given a pop biology exam. I’m supposed to be in amsterdam. I wish I was fascinated sooner because….holy crap I didn’t realize how ignorant I was of everything until my feet were on that ground.

But you know what? This is the opposite of a loss. The universe can take away my most romantic relationship, even rob me of the specialness of my height, but it can’t rob me of me unless I agree.

So I know how this sounds, but that’s the fun of life.

Enjoying yourself. Literally. Making yourself such a rich character that even when you’re left with less than what you hoped, you’re able to reflect and be proud on what that character brings back. And if I can survive a german mineral bath house, I can survive copenhagen even with a shameful amount of prep let’s go.

I’m not trying to make it sound like all I do is win, or am forever happy and amazing.

Just reality; this is a situation and place most great people would kill for for good reason.
Me too. . . . If I did the research.
So, so what if my expectations worked out a little differently?
The point is how things actually work out. Not how I want them to, and the difference.

If I feel like being in amsterdamn is a 10, and being in copenhagen is a 9, should I feel at a -1?
That’s dumb.

Anyway I sorry I had a coppenbeer and then opened this because I wanted to share my favorite – absolute favorite moment from From Dust Till Dawn again. I don’t know exactly why it feels super significant, but I don’t actually care. The point is feelings are fuel – not the penultimate rubric. And when there’s a clear understanding of that difference, when a person understands that the biggest loser on earth is the biggest winner who becomes their own biggest enemy at appreciating their own biggest success…..well next steps become clearer. I’d hope everyone can tread ’em.

Anyway, one of the objectively greatest bits that every modern jackass would be better off for watching after thinking about why they’re cheering for the character that they’re cheering for:

https://youtu.be/U12bWXqxgXM

It’s true

I am extra driven, I’ll push myself hard in any weather, for the dumbest reasons because I’ve got that extra drive

sometimes people want to know what I listen to, what keeps me going cause I always have headphones

And it’s true

that music is my crutch;

As for what rhythms keeps me going?

If they only knew

So,

what.

I’m so determined that this could be worst case scenario and it still won’t stop me.

I’m going to Japan

I’m going to put on the Robocop theme

and complete Tokyo.

As long as I can take another step and another breath, we’ll do this. This isn’t a matter of hope. This isn’t a matter of doubt. Only a matter of time. In 240 hours will be done.

Stay out of trouble.

I got mega sicky in a shocking way. My guts went on strike and struck everything from the record harder than has ever been struck before. In a way that I didn’t know my body could do. My bathroom became a biohazard zone and I remember at times being glad I lived alone and then sad that I lived alone but then glad again because here’s another wave of disgusting. My garmin shows I’d gotten up every 35 minutes through the night like clockwork. 3:30am was the worst by far, but 6 and 9 and 12 were also pretty terrible. I’d gotten so sick that i bled by 4 and it kept going till at least 6 and it was slow bleeding on the and I remember recognizing and being pretty damn surprised that the symptoms felt like what they turned out to be. It’s not like I’m mr tummy-ache. But I remember realizing that my heart rate was normal enough – rate — but still felt like it was still pounding so hard. After, literally laid there for about 36 hours straight. Except for getting to my shower to lay on the floor and then getting so, so disappointed it wouldn’t get hotter.

I think it was food poisoning.

It’s like once every 10 years something biological knocks me on my ass this hard. And one thing that shocked me was how all of my drives except sleep just vanished. No food (in fact food seemed scary) and no thirst because I returned the first cup of water as soon as my stomach registered something outside, and hours after made myself drink 16 ounces of what was pretty much gatorade, then cranberry juice and an almond milk (and a scoop of protein powder) and a slice of bread. Over 30 hours for me that’s nothing. But then around 4pm today, snap back.

And my take-away was, this might make me sick in the head but I sort of don’t mind non-hospitalizing, non-long-term damaging getting ill every once in a while. I know that sounds ridiculous and that is ridiculous, but man, food smelling like food again. Having a thirst that can be quenched – like water tastes really really good today and it feels like such a nice thing that I’ll go get a glass whenever I want – and need every word of that sentence. Healthy means being able to enjoy it. I feel like I snapped back around mid-afternoon, and I’ll blame resting for that, but being better makes me want to prance around and go “i’m back bb!”

I realized too that I did have some of the quietest headspace over this sicky period. I at one point wondered during if the type of lay you on the ass clinical depression was really more of a symptom of pain — because doing anything seemed to involve pain, and that sure was effective and making me behave and prioritize things in life like I was clinically depressed. And laying in bed without any stimulation, I figured that would be the time where my chatgpt of the mind would stfu the least, but newp. That was it. Thoughts of pain, then ok warm, with notes of how neat and chill my cat is – and that feeding her was going to be a super tough chore today. I legitimately wanted to do nothing more than just lay there and be warm and sleep and find a side that hurt the least. I really wanted a heating pad. Chocolates would’ve been nice but mostly just to have. Women will never understand this man-sickness and that’s ok. It’s part of what makes me the man I am.

Know a great way to fuck yourself over in chess?

Counting on a victory that takes any more than 2 moves without checks.

You will not have full control, and that’s why it’s a great game. There will be an opportunity for counter-move. Invest the wrong stakes and one thing goes wrong? The resources in your plan are spent, and that’s your army. Once you’re not resilient enough to keep playing in the face of your own stupid, morale checks out too. Which is somehow worse. For some reason.

Anyway I say this because I engaged a situation that was a slow burn and I don’t want to spell it out but it took LOTS of patience and couldn’t work out better. World Major bib was on the line, but it’s now secured and mine — now going to Australia.

(Let’s GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)

Downloading a game I think I’ll like oh boy oh boy)

I have some family who means well, but their advice or decisions can be terrible. Let’s just say I’ve been asked to go in on a venture where all the evidence and history and reasoning makes one decision clear to me.

And said family has the intimacy and gall to be forthright with the weirdest pushinesses that I think can even be dangerous. And I want to be agreeable and nice, but let’s just simplify and say that the ask seems like a terrible idea for me.

Now this is cognitive dissonance territory. Imagine an ask with such an unpleasant MO from people who also want to be pleasant… but the outcome isn’t pleasant. It’s cause to reconsider, and this is that nebulla where principals can get folded into inconsistency. Black and white thinking sucks – yep. But that doesn’t mean to be so flexible that one becomes agreeable to things they know better than.

You know what else sucks? Not having a line where you go “I’m sorry but I can’t just accept that outcome” can be even worse.

Anyway the eye opener for me here was the emotional cloud that I felt as I churned this over and started to make up schemas to make-it-probably-work. What a cloud.
Like yes, I’d woke up in a worse mood and felt less positive in my everyday predisposition — that was enough for me alone to realize that I’m gonna have to give a hard no to said ask. Even thinking it over makes me feel like shit — therefore it just might be a terrible idea.

EZ BLUF: wish I could say otherwise, but no.