When I was young, my made-up heroes were lone wolves

Just…morphed from a guy who showed up with powers

To a guy who was given powers

To a guy who experienced intense emotional traumas but then due to someone else’s sacrifice
….got powers

and the point was always powers

my best hero

my biggest story

is an everyman who ultimately becomes a champion

He has it tough

he’s a lone wolf at first
And it’s miserable
Depressing
Not because being that way IS miserable and depressing
But because inspiration takes connection, and all he has is principals and feelings and aptitude to be exploited
but then
fuck the powers
the real story is he finds his tribe
That’s the story, and that’s what I’ve been missing for the last couple of years

It’s not about a champion
It’s about a man defining himself as a champion by dedicating himself to a cause that’s bigger than his petty stupid life. I’m not trying to say I’m there — just that I get that point now.

Today I was asked my favorite movie

I said it’s a tie between gattaca and rocky

two films about champions fighting imposter syndrome who turned out to be the real soulful deal.





………Gee.

Travel to do those things

Call me cynical, but I actually don’t think I’ll find it a magical life changing experience. Mostly because it’s a red flag when someone comes back and pretends to be all worldly because they didn’t die in another nation’s borders and junk. Like yeah Sally, we get it you used different currency for food stfu.

But I also think it’ll be excellent and enjoyable and that also the weather might be nicer and it’ll have less of that nyc math that literally gets my goat. Also, as undertraveled as I am I also don’t know what I’m talking about. Also, there are specific things I want to do that for some reason I don’t want to get into here.

Learn to stfu more. I think I can rest confident that I’ll almost always have something to say if I pay attention, and that it might even be smartish. I think I’m of the type where being underengaging is so much less of a risk than over.

Be more philosophical and determined,. By that I mean in my interactions with people and in how I approach work. The way I do most tasks is weird, and for most it’s awesome and usually extra effective. I think if I get more analytical about what’s “normal” and see how I’d compare, and then try to get a bit objective about those differences and getting the best of both worlds — that feels like a pretty good way to get myself able to collaborate. Basically I want to say fewer things and of higher quality. It just results in so much less energy and risk when you’re good at that — too many of us fucking blather and I contribute to that too much too.

Get fitter. Because never stop never stopping. I think I’m supposed to give myself permission to be a little lazy loobydoo as soon as I can say old, and that’s nonsense. I know old men who can outrun me and that’s just because they subscribed to the reality of neverstopneverstopping. Part of running the marathon was to say that even if some of the juice in my talents might wane, the discipline is better and will rides harder than ever. In short, screw excuses. Screw any idea of petering out. I’m always going to become my own shadow and kick my own ass until I don’t.

Follow me on instragram for shirtless pics in gray shorts alongside 6 second tiktoks where I break down my macros for you

Relate less to dipshits. I’m in NYC and there are some dipshits in this town. So I say this in the context of, I actually LIKE people to the point that I can see the virtues in almost anyone.

With that said, the not-majority of times, there are people who are actually dipshits and it’s a surprise or disappoint. For some, it’s very easy to idealize what’s possible if dipshits were not like themselves….
But I’ve come to reckon that sometimes one person is the one bringing good imagination to that relationship – the other person might just be in for their own bullshit only. They might be miserable or off. They might actually be an asshole with a life pattern depicting their future pattern. Some people will let themselves down — which means that of course they’ll let you down too. And I hate to say it but maybe the world is big enough that going “meh” and moving on is ok. The end.

Be tall. I’ve heard that it’s good to give yourself a stretch goal but I think giving myself the opposite of one is also good.

Grow stuff I’m glad I’ve grown. Plants, relationships, ideas, processes, and reasons to give me a big fat paycheck so I can run around the Earth moar.

Polish off Disjuncture again with a “no bullshit, no bullshit at all fuck that noise” approach – do that before 2025. I think it says a lot that my headspace constantly doubles back to Disjuncture and not Bahamut.

Get better at a martial art. I don’t care how. I just haven’t moved with that exact kind of intentionality in a while.

Get back into a place where I feel like recommending books.

I’ve got a lot to say, and a lot on my mind, but let’s talk marathon:

Doing one is pretty much a metaphor for how you deal with scary things in life.

1. Would you
2. Why
3. How

The last one kind of typifies me. Last time, I did a horribly slow time. (And myself, and everyone who can run one faster are the folks allowed to say that.) It’s true. I mostly jogged and walked the whole thing. Still impressive to most after a month of unstructured focused training, but still got injured; and to me, in my heart of hearts, I know that if motivated, most people can pull that off without sitting down like that Moment of Clarity guy from The Grey.

And I don’t want to ted talk break it down about how the marathon is beautiful because while your mileage will vary, your goals wont: some people want to set a PR, just finish the race, enjoy the race, prove something, blah blah blah.

Shit I guess I’m all of the above.

Ok so, training.

I’m NOT SURE if I’m starting off with a lower level of fitness than last time. But I don’t think so. A year ago I was dying after 3 miles and ~69 pounds heavier. When I was 29 I was still hitting a gym semi-regularly, already at a good base weight (note: lower is not better by principal, but being 270 pounds is a shitton of wtf on one’s joints) and also doing a lot of at-home workouts: without realizing it, that came with some excellent prep. Martial arts and floor work means a lot of activities that strengthen joints and weird muscles that give first on long runs. I did more of that then. That’s ez to fix.

Also, training wise I did my old MO of procrastinate and then do some amazing overcompensations at the last minute. If you want a month-long training plan that’ll help you too jog through the marathon, I’m your guy.

This time: at least I bothered to look at tailored structured training plans before deciding that they’re super boring and to just enjoy running a lot with some of the general principals from said training plan. This is how I cook and like to eat: conversely, this is how I will train and see if I like to run.

Long story short is I’m middle fucking aged, and I’m going to kick my shadows ass. And that’s great cause my shadow is not half bad. It’s just that today, I know I’m better, and for some damn reason I’m happy to suffer through pushing myself a little to prove it. I think a weird part of me even enjoys it.

Blah blah blah blah fucking blah. Time for floor work.

Answer: Yes

I had a thought that’s been pushing me solo. Feels true.

Working hard quietly can be a sure-sign of future mastery.

When you work hard quietly, in a vacuum, where no one else is looking, that motivation comes from within. Unless active evolved stagnation kicks in, the 5,000 hour rule only becomes a matter of time. And more likely, casual mastery of that thing will become a part of your identity.

I’m going to use some crass examples, and me examples. Some will land better than others:

People who post on reddit about how much they’re writing are shitter writers than writers who just write.

Not to say checking against references and seeing what works for others isn’t a great idea, but, passionately learning a new skill in a vacuum always gets special results.

On the other hand, needing others to validate that work…well what if your approver goes away for some reason? Work goes down. Results go with.

Overweight people are more likely to let you know exactly how much exercise they’ve done. I feel like the elites are able to ballpark their answer with the starting phrase of “At least ______”

Your enemies and foes both want to fantasize that you’re downtrodden to the point that you’re doing nothing. Rub it in. Work harder than them. Only you can stop you.

Holding yourself accountable = focus.
Enjoying your own results = confidence, esteem and pride.

Honestly there’s not a single thing that I’ve gotten amazingly good at that I didn’t develop by focusing in a vacuum. That way, I also get to spend less energy listening to people who care less opine harder, and it’s actually more fun in the end too.

There are some things around my work environment that I think should change. I’m going to add energy to that in a straightforward way and see what happens. I think adding energy to the right person, and in a respectable way, is going to be very key to that. If the right person turns out not to exist, I’ll still have respectable ground to stand on for eva if I do it right.

I ran 4 miles and it felt like a warm up. This is new. A year ago my mental voice was clearly like “ok I’m ready for this to be over.” Do I really need to write an essay about what I love about running? Literally an exercise in setting up the factors to make it possible, and then making that mental voice one’s bitch. That might be why there’s a relationship between anxiety and running, but probably not. Only scientists will know for sure.

I want to try to take a shot at teasing this out cogently, and let’s see how hard I miss:

The scientist I worked for was brilliant in that, if he said a thing, it was to crush something, or find out how crush something. Seemed like his whole personality. He could do it at any level and seemed to do it with the same distaste at every opportunity. Spirits, bad theories, the time schedules of undergrads, raised head of imperfect colleagues — the man was a crusher. Dr. Crusher, they should’ve called him. I don’t think he really enjoyed it all in the end too.

And I took some of his classes (after he singled me out in a lab huddle and went “Why aren’t you enrolled in my classes, Eric.”) where he also proved he was a brilliant teacher; for it was his job to teach and your job to listen and learn.

He said a thing that today me would actually accuse of being not scientific, but still scientific enough to be worth his teaching:

“Animals don’t think about why they’re doing things. They do it because it feels better than not doing it, or because an instinct or reflex made them.” That’s a paraphrase, but he went on to deride all those ninnies out their who think their cute fluffy kitten loves them and wants what’s best for them, vs meowing because that shit gets food and food feels good.

(The man was also a dedicated cat owner.)

And I think he positioned the behaviorist point of view not as a point of view or framework, but as certain truth. But that’s really a belief. It’s a theory, and it’s not a hypothesis because how are you going to test for that. Essentially, does my ghost pepper have conscientiousness? My guppy? How about my cat? Me?

And I don’t want to lose the plot, because I can see why this man would need to hold belief as certainty on this one. That lab had its animal research, and it was a viable viewpoint. But screw this I’ve seen my cat demonstrate a theory of mind enough, and I also think there’s plenty of evidence to say that the quality of sapience is not a human superpower. I don’t think mosquitoes or your mom necessarily has it — but it’s definitely not limited just to people.

Now an amazing thing is, animals that communicate have to hold it in their head what they want to communicate, and get it into the other head. For that to happen, they have to have the express idea that an idea exists in their head and not the other, and that they want to get it there. Then a beautious thing is, they need to figure out how to codify that idea and make it so your brain can gnom gnom.

That implies something special: the ability to think simultaneously as a container with an idea, and as the container without that idea. Not simple subtraction.

Without going into why sophisticated chatbots are intimidating, this is exactly why sophisticated chatbots are intimidating.

And I also think this is why people who can actually have deep engagements and deep conversations resonate with an intelligence that doesn’t need to be charted or measured. Their container can certainly hold and perform a lot. Being able to talk to people implies a capable commonhood. It’s one reason finding the same shit funny can be like magic.

There’s one more place I want to take this — no one thinks humans ARE these perfectly intentional souls, right? That people are NPCs? Good. Because coexisting within and around that animal coding barely, might be the healthiest way to think about it. That’s how your big dumb smart brain looks around your little sexy lizard brain.

I think some people, at any level in life, have an especially hard time acting outside of their coded ways of personality. Hey I’ve got strong impulses myself. And I also think that any conversation about people who might have toughly coded ways of being is going to warrant a fun distinction between evolved vs high-functioning. They’re not mutually exclusive, but some people can be to their own disadvantage in certain ways, and still adapted enough to the world that they’ll survive — just maybe not thrive as much. And maybe they’ll still do super. If so great, cause high functioning.

Evolved folks meanwhile have learned to leverage or advantageously work around their code to actual advantage. More of a “how well do you play life with the hand you’re dealt” then a “how much does your hand win the game of life”

And some things are unfortunately heavy lifts to go into this evolved concept about (and I don’t wanna).

But what I’ve been overthinking is how a good goal in identifying your own differences is to feed self-awareness. The whole point of that would be so you can also be more conscientious about your bullshit. Maybe make decisions that’s outside of your ordinary code. And that whole ability to communicate with others, or talk to yourself and go “listen this impulse may be driven by but you can choose to ___ and in the long run it’s better because ____” I’d say that there’s a super power.

I’m going to work to tone down my outspokenness. Mainly means learning to be more patient and reserved. I think it’ll be a lot more peaceful for everyone. Also me. But also everyone.

I don’t know why but for me, one of the most resonating posts on here is the one where I was processing the realization that someone who reported to me straight up lied about what they did on the job, because I was sent the messages evidencing that they typed exactly what they said they didn’t.

Then, I chose not to show my hand or true thoughts, and this person probably still doesn’t know I was sent explicit stuff. I just took actions and other opportunities to assert the right stuff about getting good work across, and everything worked out without focusing on bozo’s bozoness.

Last part’s the lesson. Next part’s the question: can I shape my inclinations so I want to hold my hand more often? And it’s a challenge because people have a way of acting out when they don’t feel expressed, and I want to avoid that nonsense too.

I think if I did more pausing and “does this need to be said” and “should it really be said now” and “are the prerequisites to have this conversation probably go well in place” and “maybe I could focus on something constructive and let silence on the destructive thing do the talking” ….well there’s a courageous way to do it, and I’m certain that the results would be more conscientious to the point that they’ll probably be smarter.

I once saw someone who put runner’s high on a pedestal and I don’t need to get into or chase that. Runner’s high is cool and all, but give me caffeine or good sleep and I just like running like some people like dancing.

And I’m preeeeeetty sure I’m surpassing all previous Erics and I’m going to go to bed overthinking why I’m into that, and I’m gonna enjoy it too.

Am almost hesitant to get into this because I had a buddy once tell me that I get into trouble with certain egofullyfullios because I run around being the most humble great person ever and some people will extra hate that. He’s not wrong.

And there’s a good Calvin and Hobbes strip on this; I’d love to be candid.

I will never be the fastest runner.

I will never be the most distanced runner.

But I’m putting work in putting one foot in front of the other to the point that I’m extra able, don’t feel like quitting at that, and as a result hitting milestones I dig. There’s something so satisfying about being capable of doing a thing that you weren’t before.

Today I hit a 5k official which is different than “omgerd going for a run 5k” because it’s a you-do-it-on-someone-else’s-turf and if you’re into strava mph-strump running then fuck-your-autopause and you might run like I did on very not optimal conditions and I’m still pretty pleased. There’s another certain feeling in imagining that today’s score might disappoint me a year from now.

These things are wonky because of the above parts with the word never in them, and yet I still get to be pretty pleased. And youtube likes to feed me running videos

and today’s:

like…

…youtubers….

….don’t do a 4 minute intro to your topic without providing nifty insight maybe I don’t care how eloquent you might sound

and right about this mark in it I heard this bri’ish accent pointfully ted-talk bench-ask

(paraphrase)

“And a 25 mile mark is such a milestone, but how can one really achieve it?”

I’ve apparently made up my mind 53 seconds into the video and was walking away – just heard that part

and it’s one of those dumbass moments where I felt myself say it:

it in a batman voice, as I walked into another room:

“YOU BE ME.”

…

I don’t know why I’m like this either