I’m coming home, and having a tough time with the latest cancer news and we’ll call ’em stakeholders. I’m trying to have a good day — apparently my goal is to turn my entire apartment into an indoor garden. I am resourceful. While I have determined that that I’m a ranger and not a druid, I still have a class skill bonus to this ridiculous goal.

The first time I am coming home I am lugging two 19.1 liter bags of dirt and 21 live plants, and this lady has 4 friends taking up the stoop. It’s no big deal but they’re clearly in my way and it gets to me how bad they are at getting out of my way after they realized they are in my way — apparently it turned into a 25 second delegation exercise. No big deal.

The second time I am making a trip home the same lady catches my eye and starts complaining about some loud neighbors. All of the neighbors are loud, so I am in quick agreement but it’s not enough for a big talk. I say something like “Yeah, I’m full on people around here.” The knicks have won, and it’s turned into a sort of sorting machine — I can tell if you’re a piece of shit by how much you want me to expect to celebrate with you that the knicks have won. I can tell if you’re a tribal tool if you start saying things like “we” despite not scoring one point or even being from NYC or caring about the knicks until it became culturally appropriate for you to scream. Basically I’m not supposed to call out Stephanie for being from Georgia and recruiting business to olive garden more than any local NYC restaurant and now she has to be louder about this sports history moment than anyone, and that’s annoying for a few reasons.

My neighbor responds to my note on how I’m full on people by talking about her new cat. And I’m captive audience because we’re both going upstairs together but also I get it a new cat is pretty exciting. She just got hers spayed and for some reason it cost her almost a thousand dollars. I say eesh. She points out that the cat is skittish and I say that’s really normally and natural in a new cat in a new environment.

She opens the door to her apartment and there is the kitty, and she gets really excited and really loud and goes MIRA

and picks up the cat, which still has that surgery ring around it’s neck

and the thing immediately squirms and fights to go down

and she panics and looks at me and clamps her grip down on the thing

So it shoots out it’s claws until it’s reverse climbing her and she’s forced to let go and she toughs that out

and what I see happen is she just taught the thing to use claws, because that’s the only way it got what it wanted respected and delivered

Which is how a lot of people parent, because they’re fucking stupid

And the lady looks at me with wide eyes and goes

“WHY IT SCARED?”

And now I’m a little exasperated because apparently it’s not my duty to point out the obvious while keeping as cool as I can so I say

“well because I’m a friggin’ giant!”

not, because you are to it too, because this is a new environment, and you’re raising it to giant human mouths without giving it any say in the matter, y’know even though one of the last 100 times you picked it up that was followed by removing its ovaries (which means it’d be fair if the cat feels like being picked up means rolling a d100 to see if you have another organ removed) and also you moved very loudly

and then I open my door and go inside

anyway

I feel surrounded by this shit

I’m exhausted on people lately. This is not a big deal but I feel like people don’t have the sense to just let me have a peaceful trip home and I don’t want claws, but I want to have to speak less English

It’s my cynicism. I’m noticing that I’m becoming a salty annoyed person because a charity thing I’m doing is demonstrating a theme about certain people. I always want all people to be like their star trek next generation self, but really some people are more like their idiocracy self. I think part of the idiot-dynamic is actually on me for focusing on those folks — like that’s something I really have an instinct to do and wish did not.
In general, I want to be like “hey let’s go to jupiter and see what their freedom is like while sharing songs and strawberries” but people are all like “Nah I’m busy making sure this lizard brain is winning also my favorite gatorade flavor is blue it has electrolytes” and then I’m all like “ok I’m going to run marathons I guess” and they’re all like “That’s sexy let me judge how the cheese tastes even though I would never ever ever ever ever in infinity lifetimes make cheese.” And I’m all like “huh?” and they’re all like “what?” and then I’m all “You understand that’s a weird reaction” and they’re all like “What do you mean, you’re weird I’m going to linger around chatgpt-at-best level of a human-output and keep confusing delegation with a production skill”
In conclusion, I am a very salty biscuit, and also noticing that my ability to be full of hope that makes me more eloquent is diminishing. If we live in the TNG universe I want to be more like Picard. If we live in the idiocracy universe I’m tempted to be more like Terry Crews. Which is dumb, but how I feel. Why bother reasoning and using diplomacy to negotiate differences if the respect of an aligned crew won’t follow. Who has more fun and has a more satisfying life anyway? It should be picard, right? ….Right?

What if you become one. By that I mean, let’s say you surpass your wildest childhood standards. You think Bezos planned to get that rich? Or Arnold decided to lift weights and achieve his life’s dream of hosting the apprentice? No. Hell no.

Those men had to look at themselves in the mirror one day and go “wow, wtf I got here.” and then decided to keep going in a certain direction. And I would argue, that people like this, men and women, short and tall, although lots of tall, all agree. There’s a point where you realize you’ve got a special sauce going and other people don’t. It doesn’t make you the main character, but maybe it’s a good idea to invest in yourself like you are.

I say this, because connected life means a constant influx of people who don’t have the same value system — which means they won’t understand how the sauce is made. Getting weird can be isolating UNLESS you plug in with the right people. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

WHY AM I SO GOOD AT PUBLIC SPEAKING

FUCK

PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME TO DO IT

THEY THINK I LIKE IT

FUCK

NO I DON’T

I MEAN SOMETIMES I DO BUT ONLY WHEN I’M SAYING WHAT I WANNA SAY

AND SOMETIMES, FUCK, PEOPLE WANT ME TO SAY WHAT I WANT TO SAY SO

FUCK

FIONE

FUCK.

I MC’D THE WHOLE FUCKING THING.

THERE WERE BIG SCARY PEOPLE IN THE ROOM BUT I REMEMBERED EVERYONE WANTS THIS TO BE A SUCCESFUL GOOD TIME AND LIKE MARATHONS, I ACCEPTED IMPERFECT BUT THOUGHTFUL AND EXECUTED EXECUTION AND SUCH WAS THE WAY

nbd just get people to raise their hand with important question and then be pleased by their data and explain to everyone that you’re grateful that they’re helping to make what is now corporate history by taking a break to enhance their cultural awareness with this enjoyable event and point out obvious things that that no one will disagree with like how we all need to eat and we all need to connect but tradition yeah that neat stuff let’s us transform that into memories that get more important as time passes ok great you totally weaponized the word tradition like a lightsaber and cut that butter cake good everyone’s agreeing quick point out how great the great leaders are ok stop quick introduce the dancers but also reassure people that you will not be dancing ok now force them to listen to why you’re grateful for 30 seconds then ask them to enjoy themselves before the young ones think about doomscrolling

I checked and heart rate was not under 112 the entire time.

BUT PEOPLE SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME HOW CALM I WAS

EVEN WHEN THINGS WENT WRONG

AND IT’S LIKE

GREAT I’M GLAD YOU THINK SO

WHY IS EVERYONE COMING UP TO ME OH GOD I HAVE TO POLITELY EXCUSE MYSELF TO GET PICTURES TAKEN AND THEN RETURN TO THIS OH FUCK ALL THE FOOD IS GONE AND I WANT TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT HOW INSIDE I’M LIKE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(but others won’t laugh unless I do it well)

FAK

So then I left when it was time and only after I got on the train I realized I left my favorite airshok headphones behind.

FUCK

RIP

(I already ordered new ones[_^fok])

So finally said fuck it and ordered a cello. Have to wait a week for it to get here.


I dunno man…kind of just want to try cello. I don’t know why I’m like this either.

I am stranded and stuck in a country that I had no plan to be in. I’m in Copenhagen. Dutch culture is FASCINATING (and tall) and I really wish I studied it more because it’d be interesting but as it stands, I’m a calc student being given a pop biology exam. I’m supposed to be in amsterdam. I wish I was fascinated sooner because….holy crap I didn’t realize how ignorant I was of everything until my feet were on that ground.

But you know what? This is the opposite of a loss. The universe can take away my most romantic relationship, even rob me of the specialness of my height, but it can’t rob me of me unless I agree.

So I know how this sounds, but that’s the fun of life.

Enjoying yourself. Literally. Making yourself such a rich character that even when you’re left with less than what you hoped, you’re able to reflect and be proud on what that character brings back. And if I can survive a german mineral bath house, I can survive copenhagen even with a shameful amount of prep let’s go.

I’m not trying to make it sound like all I do is win, or am forever happy and amazing.

Just reality; this is a situation and place most great people would kill for for good reason.
Me too. . . . If I did the research.
So, so what if my expectations worked out a little differently?
The point is how things actually work out. Not how I want them to, and the difference.

If I feel like being in amsterdamn is a 10, and being in copenhagen is a 9, should I feel at a -1?
That’s dumb.

Anyway I sorry I had a coppenbeer and then opened this because I wanted to share my favorite – absolute favorite moment from From Dust Till Dawn again. I don’t know exactly why it feels super significant, but I don’t actually care. The point is feelings are fuel – not the penultimate rubric. And when there’s a clear understanding of that difference, when a person understands that the biggest loser on earth is the biggest winner who becomes their own biggest enemy at appreciating their own biggest success…..well next steps become clearer. I’d hope everyone can tread ’em.

Anyway, one of the objectively greatest bits that every modern jackass would be better off for watching after thinking about why they’re cheering for the character that they’re cheering for:

https://youtu.be/U12bWXqxgXM

It’s true

I am extra driven, I’ll push myself hard in any weather, for the dumbest reasons because I’ve got that extra drive

sometimes people want to know what I listen to, what keeps me going cause I always have headphones

And it’s true

that music is my crutch;

As for what rhythms keeps me going?

If they only knew