I’m coming home, and having a tough time with the latest cancer news and we’ll call ’em stakeholders. I’m trying to have a good day — apparently my goal is to turn my entire apartment into an indoor garden. I am resourceful. While I have determined that that I’m a ranger and not a druid, I still have a class skill bonus to this ridiculous goal.
The first time I am coming home I am lugging two 19.1 liter bags of dirt and 21 live plants, and this lady has 4 friends taking up the stoop. It’s no big deal but they’re clearly in my way and it gets to me how bad they are at getting out of my way after they realized they are in my way — apparently it turned into a 25 second delegation exercise. No big deal.
The second time I am making a trip home the same lady catches my eye and starts complaining about some loud neighbors. All of the neighbors are loud, so I am in quick agreement but it’s not enough for a big talk. I say something like “Yeah, I’m full on people around here.” The knicks have won, and it’s turned into a sort of sorting machine — I can tell if you’re a piece of shit by how much you want me to expect to celebrate with you that the knicks have won. I can tell if you’re a tribal tool if you start saying things like “we” despite not scoring one point or even being from NYC or caring about the knicks until it became culturally appropriate for you to scream. Basically I’m not supposed to call out Stephanie for being from Georgia and recruiting business to olive garden more than any local NYC restaurant and now she has to be louder about this sports history moment than anyone, and that’s annoying for a few reasons.
My neighbor responds to my note on how I’m full on people by talking about her new cat. And I’m captive audience because we’re both going upstairs together but also I get it a new cat is pretty exciting. She just got hers spayed and for some reason it cost her almost a thousand dollars. I say eesh. She points out that the cat is skittish and I say that’s really normally and natural in a new cat in a new environment.
She opens the door to her apartment and there is the kitty, and she gets really excited and really loud and goes MIRA
and picks up the cat, which still has that surgery ring around it’s neck
and the thing immediately squirms and fights to go down
and she panics and looks at me and clamps her grip down on the thing
So it shoots out it’s claws until it’s reverse climbing her and she’s forced to let go and she toughs that out
and what I see happen is she just taught the thing to use claws, because that’s how it goes what it wanted
Which is how a lot of people parent, because they’re fucking stupid
And she looks at me with wide eyes and goes
“WHY IT SCARED?”
And now I’m a little exasperated but keep it as cool as I can and I say
“because I’m a friggin giant!”
not, because you are to it too, because this is a new environment, and you’re raising it to people’s mouths without giving it a say in the matter, after ripping out its ovaries, and you move very loudly and quickly, and now I have to explain this…
and then I open my door and go inside
anyway
I feel surrounded by this shit
I’m exhausted on people lately. This is not a big deal but I feel like people don’t have the sense to just let me have a peaceful trip home and I don’t want claws, but I want to have to speak less English, and in general less often have to restrain the urge to say things regular basic interactions are just a lot.
Eric is the Best 