I got mega sicky in a shocking way. My guts went on strike and struck everything from the record harder than has ever been struck before. In a way that I didn’t know my body could do. My bathroom became a biohazard zone and I remember at times being glad I lived alone and then sad that I lived alone but then glad again because here’s another wave of disgusting. My garmin shows I’d gotten up every 35 minutes through the night like clockwork. 3:30am was the worst by far, but 6 and 9 and 12 were also pretty terrible. I’d gotten so sick that i bled by 4 and it kept going till at least 6 and it was slow bleeding on the and I remember recognizing and being pretty damn surprised that the symptoms felt like what they turned out to be. It’s not like I’m mr tummy-ache. But I remember realizing that my heart rate was normal enough – rate — but still felt like it was still pounding so hard. After, literally laid there for about 36 hours straight. Except for getting to my shower to lay on the floor and then getting so, so disappointed it wouldn’t get hotter.

I think it was food poisoning.

It’s like once every 10 years something biological knocks me on my ass this hard. And one thing that shocked me was how all of my drives except sleep just vanished. No food (in fact food seemed scary) and no thirst because I returned the first cup of water as soon as my stomach registered something outside, and hours after made myself drink 16 ounces of what was pretty much gatorade, then cranberry juice and an almond milk (and a scoop of protein powder) and a slice of bread. Over 30 hours for me that’s nothing. But then around 4pm today, snap back.

And my take-away was, this might make me sick in the head but I sort of don’t mind non-hospitalizing, non-long-term damaging getting ill every once in a while. I know that sounds ridiculous and that is ridiculous, but man, food smelling like food again. Having a thirst that can be quenched – like water tastes really really good today and it feels like such a nice thing that I’ll go get a glass whenever I want – and need every word of that sentence. Healthy means being able to enjoy it. I feel like I snapped back around mid-afternoon, and I’ll blame resting for that, but being better makes me want to prance around and go “i’m back bb!”

I realized too that I did have some of the quietest headspace over this sicky period. I at one point wondered during if the type of lay you on the ass clinical depression was really more of a symptom of pain — because doing anything seemed to involve pain, and that sure was effective and making me behave and prioritize things in life like I was clinically depressed. And laying in bed without any stimulation, I figured that would be the time where my chatgpt of the mind would stfu the least, but newp. That was it. Thoughts of pain, then ok warm, with notes of how neat and chill my cat is – and that feeding her was going to be a super tough chore today. I legitimately wanted to do nothing more than just lay there and be warm and sleep and find a side that hurt the least. I really wanted a heating pad. Chocolates would’ve been nice but mostly just to have. Women will never understand this man-sickness and that’s ok. It’s part of what makes me the man I am.