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You know the only time, big white screen, that I feel you mock me is when you are empty and I want to rip my heart out and gush out some feels but feel this expectant, negative energy and judgement from a potential reader.  When my respect flips a switch and says “Just shtahp.”

I really wish I could point out and still revel in this huge surge of productive energy I got yesterday (8 hours of combined editing and resume rewriting – both aren’t related.)  Apparently my urge to do that was poorly channeled. And my urges to adjust for that was poorly done (never make decisions before 8am, eric, even if they affect your normal first-in-the-day decisions.)

But take that, big white screen.

I could give you more. I wonder why I want to attack you so much big screen!  Fill you with words. . . . is this a good thing? I mean, maybe the words are kinda violent eh? When you won’t restrain em with rules, just relentlessly use them till you feel your target is dead (that people, is the proposed B.N.S. distinction of violence vs aggression that I’ve been taught.)

Which means, I guess one of the things I’m doing this year is occasionally withholding from that kinda urge. Remember, be more positive. (Which doesn’t mean be a sap or sucker, tho.)

So, I dunno.  When is violence ok? Really?  Counter violence?

And I DONT MEAN THAT AS A DUMB QUESTION — I’m really asking, when’s it ok to throw the rules out the window and just relentlessly unleash complete closure and domination?

Hmmm

I’m sure there’s an answer in this, white page. I could dig for one, but, let’s leave it more rhetorical.  The point right now is not to suck.  (Remember, the name of this site.)

And, considering some feels (SMAAAD) I did behave pretty awesome today (totally envisioned throwing myself in front of a train . . .true story . . . that was new. But on the plus side it also seemed SUPER unpleasant to be dragged [drug] into bits and pieces.)

I’m trying to unravel opportunity upon opportunity, and don’t get to give up on that, cause yesterday I was so pepped about my ability to uncover and work ’em. I wish I had more assets of a different shape while doing ’em, – could even point and go “but —–!”

but y’know, it is what it is.

(And I know only allowing in smad energy that is poor to act in = reveling in an excuse. To not do better. When you can. I guess it’s a shame that life can’t always feel like a house party, and that highs sometimes imply the possibility of lows, but who gives a fak.)

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