Yeah

Today, it’s back a bit. (I feel calm, but also – !)

I know I’ve been feeling crazier lately (such is life.) Today it feels like instead of crawling my way out, I wanna burn

In a great way.

Kidney Thieves are totally one of the bands of the day today. Give me your hard alternative rock.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rclL_8Jf7w]

Foot’s healed enough that I’m planning to injure it running home again. That’s not a big deal as it’s just physical activity, but what I’m getting off on is as opposed to the idea that I’m getting lean like I largely ran for before, is the drive to push today, and the way it seems to boost the spirit later so I feel, strong. More beastly to be controlled. And like pushing harder. This is against the feel of stagnate. I crazy need that sentiment, too.

I can be as passionate as any, but, it’s always been discipline that could be my short coming. The ONLY times I’ve been amazing and great have been when I’m really disciplined, and, regarding anything I’m passionate about, I need to be careful to do it right. The first time.

As much as is deserved.

This means not being reckless, and it also means not just being full of myself.

That’s why I won’t shut up about Disjuncture, or other things I have a hard time shutting up about. I know what pulls my interest, and I indltend to live a life more valuable than my annual salary. And I expect this. (And almost as much as I want not the wrong party, I want the right party with me, too.

The right party may just be me. Or a circle of wonderful great people. Will see.)

It goes back to that high school passion vs discipline rant of mine – and, I still agree with it. The hand that moves super fast into a wall, yet is too stupid to hit the right spot / curl into a more protective fist, is just stupid. Doesn’t matter how fast it is, unless you’re dealing with soggy cardboard a good punch is always better than a harder wall-slap.

Fuck being open handed. And soggy walls too.

I feel like an independent entity in the world again. Haven’t realized how little I’ve been feeling like I’ve been learning to feel like something’s lacking. Which might explain the last 6 months of fast and loose. But you know what?

While I’m not alone, nor feeling lonely, and still can double book days with people (golly gee, mr. popular douchenozzel is me) I feel like better things can happen when alone, too. I feel like money is most valuble when its being put towards a goal. So i intend to master more within myself. It feeds. I also still loathe my fast and loose living of the last 6 months as it doesnt feed, and think doing some dramatic and for me life decisions is the way to go. Again, I’m looking forward to going home and being with myself and making, and following a plan, and seeing what happens/results.

While I haven’t always been able to say that lately, that there, is the opposite of depressing.

There is more opportunity else where than I thought too. That alone is uplifting.

I also almost gave up on the universe when it seemed like I lost my cat last night. Such a dramatic feel from such a fuzzy thing, on top of all the things, it was too much! But yes, that wasn’t a worst case scenario. I hashed out a lot that needed to bebe pretty soon after. Said things I needed to, I know what I feel and think, why some of things got crazier, how I feel, and, well i don’t know everything – I’ve always known that too. In this situation, while I don’t regard everything that fell short as just my shortcoming, there were also shortcomingsshortcomings that were mine. Result: I know now I need to be the best man I can be, its the only way ill shake off any feeling that im undeserving again. And that’s where the self respect is – and not with being crazed, or disturbed, or some sod using mental energy to stimulate a downward spiral – cause I hate that. And without good discipline, guess where the energy can go?  I need to not cost self-respect.

Lastly, I won’t pretend about a goddang thing just cause I’m scared to be a lil unpleasant. That’s never my style, and makes what’s truly pleasant actually unpleasant. Real questions can also just be matter-of-fact and direct, too. That’s a lesson from the office environment at work.

It also is what it is – getting impatient and demanding as soon as things don’t go my way is far, far stupider, than just recognizing what’s deserved, and doing one’s best to go after just that.  I’m also not going to be a willing fool, or settle for less than I deserve. I refuse to take a backseat that I don’t deserve. It’s one reason I like having my own strong two feet on the ground – get off of the bandwagon, man.  Bandwagons can be another box.

Lastly, I also realize that manipulative me – truly manipulative me – where I DO win things by playing games tactically, and right, ain’t cool with real me. Unless thats the name of the game! Reason: because I don’t feel whole, or fulfilled, or really enjoy any laurels at the end. Am also pretty sure I’d resent just having to be presentable in the end.

I’m also pretty goddang groovey. Which’s why I’ll never feel cool about being backseated.

And I’m not.

And in light of my double standards, and life, tactics, and war, I had a gross realization that ive always HATED that guy who sits there pathetically in a cuckold video, and turn it off every time. When it’s made to seem malicious or he’s made to seem sad, it’s disgusting. And I’m not sure I need to feel like that guy. Ever. Further, stagnating, hovering, not truly growing and working towards your best ends – these are all life tragedies. I’ll be upset to the max if that’s my result. Ill be disgusted in a differeday I feel like doing my best at everything. The last time I was in a tough spot I let it affect way too much (work, my mom’s moms final days.) But that’s a difference between being a big-boy and a great man.

I’m not feeling depressed anymore. Things are tough, but I also feel privilege. I also feel liberated. And ya know what? I feel tired of I feel and I think statements.

I am what is and will make of myself

(which is a guy who feels like running later and enjoying the night as much as possible right after)

[youtube https://youtu.be/mWRsgZuwf_8?list=PLnpWcMv6bu2VfNVMG6L-DuWeu1SGfp61i]