I fucking hate waking up at night all of a sudden
I hate that the sparked fire creates the same urges to send ridiculous and direct poems of the most delicious kinds of dirt
But now that maybe I’m best off, keeping them in a drafts folder or even just thinking about it
During which life’s ants will take my sugar away?
Just a stupid anxiety I’m swallowing. . .
Questionable urges tend to get diverted in questionable ways . . .
One truth is I untapped latent anger on my run home yesterday
(I do feel subjected to sorts of poor, badly put-out standards and expectations. And also want to believe that finger pointing is way less important than the growing.
I even know how I wanna grow.)
Not ragey, but i’m not 100% sure I can honestly predict where my head will be anymore.
(As if there’s an emptiness where I left my sweetness.)
Sometimes I feel so determined, and then I feel so stupid about acting straight when I know theres a huge crack in the furnace and I really wanna blast the heat and wish so so so much I could patch it myself.
Later on, I think I can, but then I wake up or think of things that feel a lil horrible
Realized yesterday I’ve also felt a repeat of personal history that triggers some strong experiences
And I hate that this has been aggravated by feelings connoted from that.
I accept that over the next few days just doing a great professional job at work and smiling with friends, will be prime accomplishments
But I don’t like the idea of being someone else’s stepping stone into something greater
I hate that lessons will be taken from me to provide better for a bigger picture outside of me
I know that’s not the point, too
And maybe it’s not super accurate, but fuck
I wanna apply recent and learned lessons to the source,
but after everything said and done
it’s probably not appropriate right now.
And I hate the idea that its not exactly healthy to express my preferences
In many ways part of me wants to go fuckit
but I think being brave is respecting what I’d said I’d do.
Doesn’t mean I like it or that it won’t feel a lil crushing. Really really really really sorry that it does.
And I know it’s not the best, either
It’s just a bit of my reality fer now
*lays down for 15 minutes more before going to work early*