Feeling far better since writing in the dark this morning. Wondering about the future, while having confidence in some ideas, which is making me far less toolish and sucked into some BS around here.  I’m actually digging that.

I love the movie After the Dark.  It’s silly.  It replaces the words “Role playing” with the words “thought experiment”  but it’s an interestingly executed premise too.

There’s a line where the professor’s all like to Bill, “What’s your best asset”

and Bill (who’s name isn’t really Bill, but who gives a shit) goes “I’m a pacifist.”

Which, I think is weird.  How’s one come to the conclusion that being a pacifist = best quality?  But whatever. That’s not the point.

I’m feeling, determined again. That esteem makes me wanna esteem what I wanna esteem.  And I weighed it out, and think one of my most distinct qualities is being me.  Heartfully.

But you know what I think my best quality?  My balls.

(I mean my figurative balls, duh. Although there’s a joke in there.)

Balls are how I’ve accomplished everything I was glad I did.  Balls also made me go above and beyond after recognizing I wanted to. Balls simplify that.

And I need to feel like they’re there too. You could pay me all the money in the world to act on deflated confidence, and I can only do it if I’m confident that I should have deflated confidence.  Basically, what I’m saying is the drive towards what you want in life right now, it feels invaluable.  Like everything. 

Look, I’m possibly a crazy person in the end.  I’m driven to grow with things I haven’t seen ANYONE ELSE want to, not the same way, not as well, and not being willing to give up as much in the process.  Balls.

But it is true too that I stand by and watch, stalk, for opportunity sometimes.  (Having balls is not to be confused with being reckless.) But even my muddah noticed it in me when I was that kid who was hanging around other kids playing, and wondering if I wanted to jump in.  We both know I had to see the games being played, and who I’d be playing with first.  (Cause sometimes, it’s worth walking away.)

But, when you wanna jump in and play

write a book

changing your life into what you want

Balls can be very worth having.

One thing I’ve noticed in my world is that i CAN do whatever the hell I want, and as long as I’m clear about it and determined, no matter how crazy (“yo I’m gonna lock myself away for days and push these buttons cause I feel I need to. I love ya, but don’t bother me.”) in the end, when people see I’m real, they tend to support whatever I’m after.

(Especially the ones who matter.  There’s something to be said for that!)

Which also makes me feel much more confident about doing what it takes to be the opposite a yuppie scumbag.

So yeah I don’t like how I woke up. (Totes cool with how I looked though.)

And I don’t see myself as being the type to wallow in sentiments like that if lasting, without making changes.

The only thing I like about Francis Underwood is that he goes after what he wants.

(And has a groovy soundtrack.)

His manipulative bullshit aside – and for the record, I don’t really think his conniving heart has lotsa virtue – fact is that he also has balls and bravery in his pursuit of what he wants.

That’s actually the only thing I like and respect about his character.

Anyway, I’m still considering and thinking. Bottom line though: I truly feel less scummy when moving out of any psychological cesspool, and think I shouldn’t stop.