Alright, I’ve polluted my outlet with enough words but I wanna do one quick diary:

Today was a real tough day. (Much of it is because I’m a silly person and woke up at 3am, and most of it is because the new tasks at work and the way they’re being taught and managed is making me have to take charge of clarification. I seem to be the only one with the nuts to realize, hey, this is bullshit the way this process has been being processed, and this aid will greatly assist and help the people out who’ve been faking it stress less.  I got that done, but it took lots of tonguework and I was up since 3am.)

Here’s the thought that’s been on my mind for the last few hours: management and respect.

I’m starting to admire a professional I met who, hates where they are. This person doesn’t like the work situation, or her treatment and values herself more.  Despite this, this person has made a managerial decision BEFORE EVERY THING SHE’S EVER SAID and it’s been professional, constructive, and conscientious every time.  That’s amazing to me.  She’s also not playing games about the game being a real thing, that professionals in the environment she’s in has to manage (I agree, some things you simply don’t have the power to change until you are on top of the status quo – which might be a batshit insane crazy mission) but,

by talking to her, by seeing her people skills (cause this person is also disorganized, and faking things, and experts bigger than her can see this) it’s also clear why she’s a better manager than me.  I’ve been starting to say things like that, and that’s not easy, due to this website’s name.  She’s shown me in many short sentences that she simaltaniously respects how people actually are and manages her relationships with them well – even if she doesn’t like or appreciate what she’s respecting.

So I think what I want to lead towards is that people confuse management and respect. Or, that I’m weird in that I see respect in a different way.  It occurs to me that the things I’ve managed extra well had well-earned, reciprocal respect, only.   I had enough talent to direct and manage organizations greater than 300 people, but I think today, I’m a little humbled in that I have to say those achievements weren’t purely a result of my being a skilled manager.  I’m better at destroying people I don’t like than managing them – and so long as I have to interact with others, I’m not sure that’s the best thing ever, either.

Once upon an era one of my greatest buddies Victor insulted me horribly, and more than once.  Only a few times did he ever actually mean to, or not give a shit if he did, but the way I see it, in the end, that’s kind of ok.  Me and Vic have a similar sense of manly in this way.  I accept that’s how he actually saw things, and I respect why (and totes disagree.)  But I can see beyond that not need purely managerial skills to have a dynamic with regards to these imperfections, and here’s what I like: If you take us shopping with you, and you ask us if some jeans you’re trying on provides a fat ass, and we both know it provides a fat ass, we’ll tell you anyway.  Vic and I just have different ways of handling how we present this opinion with respect to the asker. It shocked me to realize there are lots of people out there (mostly girls, you’re welcome) who feel it’s ethical to lie.

Well, this corporate person has made me realize that they actually have a knack for quickly gaining and assessing insight into other people and what makes them tick.  That’s half of what makes her a fantastic manager. Half.  Stay with me.

The other side is, not only does she have diplomacy and courtesy, even towards people who put her in a tough spot, but she can respect what makes them tick enough to know how to insert herself in a constructive way. That to me is management.

I say this because, I feel like I respect who, say, my old man, actually is if I say he’s a curmudgeoney sort who’s not capable of learning and respecting other people’s boundaries due to a lack of practice and insight. That’s actually horribly degrading – I’m taking away from my dad’s aspect of being a decent feller to others.  The problem is, to me he actually is, I have to respect that, because if I don’t, I’ll be extra, extra surprised, and think about it too much when he violates said boundaries. However, I respect (re-spect – look again) what I’ve seen, observed, realized from interactions with him by expecting these chastizing things.  You respect another person who is flakey when you realize they’re probably gonna be flakey.  You respect a person who is too weak when you acknowledge they can’t handle something.

This doesn’t mean that a respectful relationship with whom someone actually is a well managed one.  This also doesn’t mean that a well managed relationship with someone is actually respectful, cause sometimes some people just try on another’s respect as vanity – don’t they?

The thing though, is that respect and management gets a distinction in that respect is an affective value, while management actually is how you manipulate others.  I am actually not a perfect manager, often, because I respect myself and how I see things too much (that’s what I believe anyway.) This results in me becoming incredibly abrasive, and, sometimes saying things that plugs towards another’s diasthesis that hits way too close to home.  More than a few times, I’ve touched into a sensitive area too strongly and just destroyed a person’s ability to bear me.

I’m not sure I should lose that self respect.  Sometimes people are immature twats, or sure make me feel like they’ve been one, and I’m not sure it’s best to give them a chance to stop it while rationalizing that it’s been just a boon. That’ll cost self-respect unless I’m a perfect manager, and, maybe I’m not. It depends.

I can think of two people I interact with regularly who I think may actually be narcasists.  That’s scary, and my shock at the way they’ve used people really kind of hurt and made me a little cynical of everyone.  But that’s not fair, and makes me an asshole to generalize about everyone.  (I get the temptation, but pride myself on realizing it’s a temptation to generalize before I give in.)

What I’m noticing lately is, it IS possible to have a well managed relationship with a narcissist.  It can even be beneficial, if that’s what you want and know what youre in for. (House of Cards?)  The perk is, I dun want that. The positive note is, if I can manage good relationships with a narc, I can manage a good relationship with almost well anyone, anyway.  I just have to be conscientious to not sacrifice more self-respect than I want to. And I have to respect the fact that I’m dealing with a person that doesn’t want to actually respect me, but an aspect of self that reflects kindly on them.

That’s the thing about a tight dynamic that is well managed, vs a tight dynamic that actually has what I see as true respect.   The well-managed dynamic is just a vanity relationship – it really is.  It’s something that’ll be severed as soon as it’s no longer appealing to said vanity.  The truly respectful relationship’ll have seasons, if people truly respect each other and there’s enough benefit to it.  It’s just that the proportion of those seasons can skew amazingly.

Anyway, all that is to say in the end that, I might not have perfectly managed people in my life.  The people I know who are perfect managers, who don’t know how to live with true respect (they have to paint others, they can’t listen to the full range of life’s music, as I see it) a lot of them that I know are succesful in so many inhumane ways – they make 150,000k+ a year, they party, they have appreciation by their peers, they’ll definitely seduce and breed, and probably at a more succesful rate than douchenozzles like me – but they also feel empty at the end of the night, and they fuck up  kids even harder – if you care about that.  Hey, I’m not perfect, but I’m willing to bet that if I respect my imperfections as things to work on, and have the strength to accept what I can’t fix, my life is still gonna kick a lot of ass.  There’s still a shitton of management for me to learn.  But, apparently, there’s also this balance of true respect for others, and myself, because I do see people’s flaws and shortcomings, and that can’t be helped.  That simply can’t be helped.  It’s possible I shouldn’t let that result into badly managed tension as much as I do, cause sometimes that just costs a shitton of respect in every which way.

Anyway, that’s my note from impressive imperfect people I still meet in corporate America.  Also, it’s only 7:30.  I’m gonna go be awesome now.