Wrote this at 6am on my phone yesterday morning while waiting for the room to wake up. Figuring fuckit, taking out of the draft bin.
I began actually dating someone after it became a clear, smart decision to, now we’ve been growing smartly intensely since late march and, im turning out to be a really, really huge fan these days. Its May now and, because we’re both really similar in that (can tell by listening before I say a thing) we both believe the essence of a relationship isn’t in labels or statuses, but the essence of that relationship, and it’s going so well. It’s naturalized to the point where a lot of time could fly by before we know it. And, that’s something I want to be careful of (I can fritter a lot of time if not careful.)
But im not frittering shit. I decided to get more forthcoming and serious, and didn’t get super into this girl upon immediately meeting her because, thats how I am. I also had other issues that precluded a relationship then (so, I don’t think she took me seriously then, and this gave us both a sense of just taking it easier), it didn’t feel smart or kind to dive right in, and also cause I felt like I looked good just on paper and didn’t want to deviate from the aspect it seemed she admired. I know, thats lame to me too. So at first I wasn’t giving her a chance to know me beyond aspects that might be unfavorable . . . yet as soon as I did, she revealed her troo form, and I like her way more for it.
That’s how intimacy works, and I’ve just never met anyone like her before: Her intensities and practical x emotion streak is like mine, so it’s so easy for us to stay on the same page. (This alone is a weirdness I cherish.) Shes a woman – as in an adult, high functioning, self respecting, achieving thinker – and yet shes younger than anyone else i talk with nowadays and I have to keep reminding myself of her combined age and “omg, this is someone who will THRIVE if you treat and respect them as a great woman” status (you dont always find that in ny, not women who stay great after making yourself emotionally available – and maybe im glad she’s totes not from NY). I really want to kiss her ass (figurately, here) because this sense of humor, direct, hott with two t’s, insightful,takes herself seriously in the ways she should, handles tension awesomely, has her shit together, understands how silly race issues can be for mixed Americans (she takes herself seriously as a person, not a demographic) and already got offers to be a legit literary agent (Big brain boner here. I write more than her right now I think, but she definitely reads more than me )
Disregard bull and girls, acquire valuable memories and experience. Then share. And do something positive with the share. That’s what I want.
She reciprocates my feels not because of what it represents to any complex i recognize. I don’t have to worry about opening a dialogue with her ever, having to read between the lines of her words to see if anything is beneath the surface, cause ive looked, and almost all the time the water isnt murky, but totes clear. Its about, fucking, time too. People like this are diamonds in the rough. Theyre fucking diamonds. Shes not some girl. Shes a special person. With special parts. And i love this.
I wanna recall my favorite xanga from gvertz where he realized that everything in his life was to bring him to where he was, and this gave him huge acceptance of everything in his life – all of it. Even the shit. (Daniel, dude, i dont care if youre a lawyer or newspaper editor, as far as i can tell thats the greatest thing youve ever written.) And I can really feel that entry lately. The bottom line is, all the good things in my life, all the things ive learned that is a positive way to be available for someone, she inspires. I WANT TO MAKE HER PROUDER. I know shes proud of me, but i look to make her ecstatic, as much as we can both earn. Some days i make her so amazed, and, instead of getting comfortable after, I’m just wanting to raise that bar. This is new. I’m turning into an “i want to spoil and surprise you with what my warm fuzzy feels make me capable of!” guy and it’s making me wanna do more instead of get complacent every time she gets giddy. I see this growing instead of calming. She is, the greatest thing to happen to me so far this year, by a lot. I dont know if ill ever meet another like her (scratch that, DEFINITELY not, not with the same style and Way) who could redefine what it means to be a person who’s a woman, rather than “girl” this much, while also being extremely silly and srs at the same time. Never before have i wondered if i should make a certain style of advances, and never will i let someone pass who warrants it.
And yes, I am too aware that I’m a kickass (weird, imperfect) dude, largely cause i involve myself whole-heartedly in what I decide to. And this is a great woman to have great heart in. She does it by being herself. At this moment I’m just. . . . . grateful to the universe, what it offers, providing so many blessing and chances to do well and do good. Anyway, you work in mysterious ways sometimes universe, but im still kinda grateful and sticking to it.