My marathon time goal…..like ok I’ll be honest in a way I feel it’s been reached. I know I can go faster and it’s a goal but…..I had about 5 good months where that was the focus. I was a near monk, and it was exciting and I loved that.

But it’s weird. I sort of have some body dysmorphia combined with real observations. And that tells me a lots changed because, I honestly didn’t give a shit before. Or maybe I was just so in my head and proud that it was like a wealthy man saying he didn’t care about money. Doesn’t matter — today, part of my subconscious is more fascinated by looking great than going wee. I hate that. I’m also more fascinated by how that became more fascinated. I don’t mind that. Hot take: find yourself really unattractive for objectively correct reasons — say all your teeth are different colors because you ate the wrong fruit. Let’s say you live like that for years and learn to socialize and still get along. Then, you find the right dentist who fixes your dam and everyone is all like GODDAMN GO YOOOO YEEEAH so you too, are all like YEYAY, and then all the noise dies down and you’re like “yeyay?” but your good smile is old hat. And that’s ok, getting used to the attention was never the point.

But then the whitening treatment fades a little. You feel that luster literally go and you suck bleach and, it works. But your stupid brain is a stupid brain. You don’t get the same dopamine rush. So you determine

maybe it’s your smile

your smile isn’t as lustery

And some people take it farther, and bleach two shades even whiter.

This is how bodybuilders feel skinny. And it’s fucking stupid too because, when you can have a self image of yourself that’s in great lighting and with a pump…and when you know that feeling of the hot girl oggling you and then realizing you don’t always look like insta.

I’m not trying to say I’m a victim. Just the opposite — I feel like I’m fucking champing. Just, there are different parts of me and some are really really dumb. There’s objective data, and there’s informational observations, and there’s theoretical concern, and there’s subjective “THIS IS GOOD AND THIS IS BAD” (which is the fucking stupidest of all) and there’s inferred theory that I look for with a confirmation bias and my point is

NONE OF THESE FUCKING PERSPECTIVES RESULT IN THE SAME APPRAISAL OF THE SAME FUCKING BODY. It’s like my fear of the ocean — part of my brain theorizes that there’s a collosal squid that wants to eat me and is constantly looking to see if that moving seaweed is a tenticle. Part of me has reviewed all data available and is so fucking conceited that it believes it understands the limits of all life that I could encounter. Part of me just thinks the water looks bad. Part of me thinks swimming is healthy and that i should do it. And it’s all the same fucking body. Brains are dumb. What I think is really key is — why care so much? That’s what I want to know. I think I’m a little narcissistic if I have to be appreciated for looking like I’m about to fight rocky all the time — that’s really fucking weird. Like what, that makes me worthy of inclusion, attention, praise, love? I mean not no. But the idea that I’d miss out on those for not having a weird look? Dafuck. Brains. Are. Dumb. Sezmybrain.

But when it comes to physicality it’s weird. I want to PR in australia, but I also want to see how well I can do it while also getting stronger now. Not big. And not like, joining the 1000’s club. But I’ve gotten to a fitness point where I can work out for HOURS and ….keep going. If the food and sleep are there, it’s np. And I’m kind of like…..can’t I make 15 pullups look like nothing? What would happen to me if I did? Will it make me slow? If so, how much? And can’t I just do some squats and balance that it? Will that all make me heavier which will make me slower? I don’t know. Let’s find out!

I don’t know why I’m like this either — although I do also enjoy 80% of it.

did I mention brains are dumb?

Did you know that in my city, if you have an ounce of raw gold in your hand and try to give it to strangers, that unless you put skill into doing it in certain ways, most people will actually ignore and walk away from you?

It’s kind of a great thing about New York — we’re buzzed with our activity get out of the way it’s bidnith time.

But it’s a fantastic thing about collective value. Now — if you wore a “RED BULL” t-shirt and hat, and had a clip-board, and gave cans of red bull away — I’m pretty sure you’d have an easier time giving that away than an ounce of raw fucking gold.

I don’t know why this hits me so much but it’s one of the best ways I have to communicate a recent point. Trying to convince others to value a thing is a whole different task than actually identifying value in a thing. And here’s another note that takes it really far:

What if that thing is you.

In friendships, work, dating, family, all of it — sometimes you’re dealing with someone who’s sensibility is different than yours — like they’d make the ‘foolish’ decision of leaving gold behind, because they don’t see the same value, or they’re out for something else. You kind of have to get in their way and make them see the same things to align with you. Goes to that skill thing I was talking about above. And I think it’s effortful, and in some cases masks who you are. It’s where the salesman tricks go fuckit.

If I were that above redbull man with a clip board — I’m no longer Eric. You don’t know the stupid things I’m enthusiastic about. My bidnith is literally trying to give you a red bull for some reason….I’m like a female character in a story that fails the Bechdel test. No autonomy. And some people see certain people like that. Fuck ’em 🙂

What happens if you try to give someone gold, and they reject it? If your feelings are hurt, this means that you value the person’s e-valuation over the actual value. That’s weird. If you know what you’re working with: Why do dat?

Everything has value, but gold is just one of those well-conditioned ideas — has high value because we’ve also got a healthy amount of use for it and we can make it useful. The reputation gives it social value. If you can identify and obtain it for a reasonable cost — well, your decision there should be a no brainer.

That logic doesn’t follow the actual value of things out there though…or people.

I find that many groups might not actually value its people well…and making sure that happens is a key management responsibility.

In the past: I’ve enjoyed interacting with people who see things differently in life. I think to a ridiculous point. That skill was kind of a game — Some sim script like “Hey, value? Value! Value! Valueeeeeeee.” Nowadays? I’ve actually had my fill of abusive idiots (alcoholism and/or unhappy wealthy priviledged people or their poorly raised progeny, man — go read the constitution and get out of your own way you fucking goose honk — fuck!)

And compared to the past, nowadays I have so few days where I do nothing, and also so many where I feel like I didn’t get enough done or feel that my activities were pretty silly. I’m able to look back on timelines and I do want this year to be very different than last year. I think it’s time to try more new things, and see if I find other busy bees who are looking for the same gold in life that I am. Without a sell.

Like, I’ll smile because the conversation’s fun, but I’m not taking my shirt off or wearing one I don’t wanna.

If you know you have a thing where it’s value can’t be amplified by sharing, you’ll feel ok when others don’t take it. I’ve started taking this approach to work and relationships, and I love this fun fact: heart rate has been like 5 bpm on average less since. Either I got more fit after a rest day, or I’m on to something.

When I was young, my made-up heroes were lone wolves

Just…morphed from a guy who showed up with powers

To a guy who was given powers

To a guy who experienced intense emotional traumas but then due to someone else’s sacrifice
….got powers

and the point was always powers

my best hero

my biggest story

is an everyman who ultimately becomes a champion

He has it tough

he’s a lone wolf at first
And it’s miserable
Depressing
Not because being that way IS miserable and depressing
But because inspiration takes connection, and all he has is principals and feelings and aptitude to be exploited
but then
fuck the powers
the real story is he finds his tribe
That’s the story, and that’s what I’ve been missing for the last couple of years

It’s not about a champion
It’s about a man defining himself as a champion by dedicating himself to a cause that’s bigger than his petty stupid life. I’m not trying to say I’m there — just that I get that point now.

Today I was asked my favorite movie

I said it’s a tie between gattaca and rocky

two films about champions fighting imposter syndrome who turned out to be the real soulful deal.





………Gee.

Travel to do those things

Call me cynical, but I actually don’t think I’ll find it a magical life changing experience. Mostly because it’s a red flag when someone comes back and pretends to be all worldly because they didn’t die in another nation’s borders and junk. Like yeah Sally, we get it you used different currency for food.

But I also think it’ll be excellent and enjoyable and that also the weather might be nicer and it’ll have less of that nyc math that literally gets my goat. Also, as undertraveled as I am I also don’t know what I’m talking about. Also, there are specific things I want to do that for some reason I don’t want to get into here.

Learn to stfu more. I think I can rest confident that I’ll almost always have something to say if I pay attention, and that it might even be smartish. I think I’m of the type where being underengaging is so much less of a risk than over.

Be more philosophical and determined,. By that I mean in my interactions with people and in how I approach work. The way I do most tasks is weird, and for most it’s awesome and usually extra effective. I think if I get more analytical about what’s “normal” and see how I’d compare, and then try to get a bit objective about those differences and getting the best of both worlds — that feels like a pretty good way to get myself able to collaborate. Basically I want to say fewer things and of higher quality. It just results in so much less energy and risk when you’re good at that — too many of us fucking blather and I contribute to that too much too.

Get fitter. Because never stop never stopping. I think I’m supposed to give myself permission to be a little lazy loobydoo as soon as I can say old, and that’s nonsense. I know old men who can outrun me and that’s just because they subscribed to the reality of neverstopneverstopping. Part of running the marathon was to say that even if some of the juice in my talents might wane, the discipline is better and will rides harder than ever. In short, screw excuses. Screw any idea of petering out. I’m always going to become my own shadow and kick my own ass until I don’t.

Follow me on instragram for shirtless pics in gray shorts alongside 6 second tiktoks where I break down my macros for you

Relate less to dipshits. I’m in NYC and there are some dipshits in this town. So I say this in the context of, I actually LIKE people to the point that I can see the virtues in almost anyone.

With that said, the not-majority of times, there are people who are actually dipshits and it’s a surprise or disappoint. For some, it’s very easy to idealize what’s possible if dipshits were not like themselves….
But I’ve come to reckon that sometimes one person is the one bringing good imagination to that relationship – the other person might just be in for their own bullshit only. They might be miserable or off. They might actually be an asshole with a life pattern depicting their future pattern. Some people will let themselves down — which means that of course they’ll let you down too. And I hate to say it but maybe the world is big enough that going “meh” and moving on is ok. The end.

Be tall. I’ve heard that it’s good to give yourself a stretch goal but I think giving myself the opposite of one is also good.

Grow stuff I’m glad I’ve grown. Plants, relationships, ideas, processes, and reasons to give me a big fat paycheck so I can run around the Earth moar.

Polish off Disjuncture again with a “no bullshit, no bullshit at all fuck that noise” approach – do that before 2025. I think it says a lot that my headspace constantly doubles back to Disjuncture and not Bahamut.

Get better at a martial art. I don’t care how. I just haven’t moved with that exact kind of intentionality in a while.

Get back into a place where I feel like recommending books.

I’ve got a lot to say, and a lot on my mind, but let’s talk marathon:

Doing one is pretty much a metaphor for how you deal with scary things in life.

1. Would you
2. Why
3. How

The last one kind of typifies me. Last time, I did a horribly slow time. (And myself, and everyone who can run one faster are the folks allowed to say that.) It’s true. I mostly jogged and walked the whole thing. Still impressive to most after a month of unstructured focused training, but still got injured; and to me, in my heart of hearts, I know that if motivated, most people can pull that off without sitting down like that Moment of Clarity guy from The Grey.

And I don’t want to ted talk break it down about how the marathon is beautiful because while your mileage will vary, your goals wont: some people want to set a PR, just finish the race, enjoy the race, prove something, blah blah blah.

Shit I guess I’m all of the above.

Ok so, training.

I’m NOT SURE if I’m starting off with a lower level of fitness than last time. But I don’t think so. A year ago I was dying after 3 miles and ~69 pounds heavier. When I was 29 I was still hitting a gym semi-regularly, already at a good base weight (note: lower is not better by principal, but being 270 pounds is a shitton of wtf on one’s joints) and also doing a lot of at-home workouts: without realizing it, that came with some excellent prep. Martial arts and floor work means a lot of activities that strengthen joints and weird muscles that give first on long runs. I did more of that then. That’s ez to fix.

Also, training wise I did my old MO of procrastinate and then do some amazing overcompensations at the last minute. If you want a month-long training plan that’ll help you too jog through the marathon, I’m your guy.

This time: at least I bothered to look at tailored structured training plans before deciding that they’re super boring and to just enjoy running a lot with some of the general principals from said training plan. This is how I cook and like to eat: conversely, this is how I will train and see if I like to run.

Long story short is I’m middle fucking aged, and I’m going to kick my shadows ass. And that’s great cause my shadow is not half bad. It’s just that today, I know I’m better, and for some damn reason I’m happy to suffer through pushing myself a little to prove it. I think a weird part of me even enjoys it.

Blah blah blah blah fucking blah. Time for floor work.

Answer: Yes

I had a thought that’s been pushing me solo. Feels true.

Working hard quietly can be a sure-sign of future mastery.

When you work hard quietly, in a vacuum, where no one else is looking, that motivation comes from within. Unless active evolved stagnation kicks in, the 5,000 hour rule only becomes a matter of time. And more likely, casual mastery of that thing will become a part of your identity.

I’m going to use some crass examples, and me examples. Some will land better than others:

People who post on reddit about how much they’re writing are shitter writers than writers who just write.

Not to say checking against references and seeing what works for others isn’t a great idea, but, passionately learning a new skill in a vacuum always gets special results.

On the other hand, needing others to validate that work…well what if your approver goes away for some reason? Work goes down. Results go with.

Overweight people are more likely to let you know exactly how much exercise they’ve done. I feel like the elites are able to ballpark their answer with the starting phrase of “At least ______”

Your enemies and foes both want to fantasize that you’re downtrodden to the point that you’re doing nothing. Rub it in. Work harder than them. Only you can stop you.

Holding yourself accountable = focus.
Enjoying your own results = confidence, esteem and pride.

Honestly there’s not a single thing that I’ve gotten amazingly good at that I didn’t develop by focusing in a vacuum. That way, I also get to spend less energy listening to people who care less opine harder, and it’s actually more fun in the end too.

There are some things around my work environment that I think should change. I’m going to add energy to that in a straightforward way and see what happens. I think adding energy to the right person, and in a respectable way, is going to be very key to that. If the right person turns out not to exist, I’ll still have respectable ground to stand on for eva if I do it right.

I ran 4 miles and it felt like a warm up. This is new. A year ago my mental voice was clearly like “ok I’m ready for this to be over.” Do I really need to write an essay about what I love about running? Literally an exercise in setting up the factors to make it possible, and then making that mental voice one’s bitch. That might be why there’s a relationship between anxiety and running, but probably not. Only scientists will know for sure.