I did it! First try!


I want to goof and joke and type something stupid like “um….to all my hateerrrs, well, education is still pretty cool.  And um, I’m gonna keep climbing this ladder of opportunity to see what great stuff life can bring so like, enjoy the view of my butt.”


But in all seriousness, I’m very content about today’s achievement.   It’s been years since I’ve taken a big exam, and I’m happy that I can still get results.  Tomorrow now has prospects for being a really big day, cause now I’m eligible for lots of prospects, and it feels like a big deal.


I’m just gonna point out that practice tests are fantastic, I’ve become convinced that they sort of trick your brain into finding information relevant.



Trials do that.  In a good way.   I’m afraid too many folks out there test themselves out on social media — test their relevance, test their impact, test their popularity or what have you — vs testing themselves to a book, to see if they’ve gotten a book.


Cause for chrissakes, I’m trying to absorb what I guess is a big textbook of very dry stuff.   The material does get interesting when you know enough to laser focus when you need to, when you need to, but, there’s a lot of stuff too which’s not as interesting as the remainder of said material.  (And I say that because I’m the sort that hates memorizing dates, or hates memorizing stuff I know I can look up later)

….I want to say, consider how much of a prism is actually used in bending light to show a revealed color….

^but that’s probably an embellishment, and loses people, so I’m not gonna use that explanation.
I’m just saying, my attitude is, learning enough to crystalize knowledge so that information can filter through you probably means that a portion of that knowledge won’t get used….and that’s still just how some things work.



Anyway, really, practice / sample / mock tests…..pass or fail, I mean it about how they probably help trick the subconscious into finding dry things wetter.

I say, practice tests make review and information absorption much, much more of a keen activity.
If you’re studying a less conditioned interest….. try it. Then see how you feel about studying after.


Goal: kick this exams ass


surrender to America






I still feel like if the stuff that’s more “magical” than that is supposed to happen, it’ll happen.  If not, alright.  As long as you’ve made that a possibility rather than expecting it to fall in one’s lap.
I’ve always kind of accepted the reality that, if reality doesn’t want me to succeed with the efforts I’ll actually give, then, fine — there’s quite a bit to be said for push it and hope the next generation keeps being a thing that’ll give hope.  Or the generation after that.


Not always an optimistic thing, but there’s also a lot to be said for a dialectic, too.


I also like the idea that idealistic people propogate ideals in some shape or form.
They don’t have to do so directly.  And while I’ve always, always hoped I’d be the person to do so directly, I’d be happy to be some sort of actor that makes way for someone else to do that.  There’s still good as an end result of that.


Anyway, that’s my way of saying just cause I can write two interesting books, that I also know I can’t depend on ’em.  That’s the rationale of going “k” and “and” in addition to sending query letters….which I now think I know how to do.

I want to add to that note, cause I also know that I wrote two interesting novels.   One’s about an AI, and the other’s about a god that wants all human sentience, but can’t encapsulate a modern musician.   Both of these kick ass, and I dig that.  But if that’s as far as that goes, fine.  I hope it’s not.  And I don’t give up, and still don’t, but, the eggs in that basket have been kicked and getting stale.

And moreover, on the other hand I wanna provide for others and am sick of sucking.

So fine, America.

Fucking, fine.

I gave it a couple years.  I think that’s fair, and if that’s held against me, whoever is holding it against me is a jealous person who’s a bigger dongleberry than I.


(Seriously, I know people who think I’m a dongleberry for giving multiple dreams a shot.  Considering some of the people I’ve served in service…who get served daily….c’mon, that’s just a bit shameful.)


I think it’s sad how many dreamers couldn’t give shots to their dreams.

But on that note: I think many things are sad.

And, at least we’re alive and there’s always hope for more, and the next day carrying as much.
If you try, and the next day carries some possibility of more than indulgence, that’s a special way of being alive.   I can honestly say that’s a philosophy I’ve really tried to sustain, and I know it’s gotten me more than nothing.  But there’s a lot to that too.


It’s just good to do more than suck.  I know that.


There’s lots to be said for other virtues besides not sucking, too.


The world view described in some of the previous paragraphss coitenly isn’t the only one.


Anyway, I’m planning to dig in to some of the stuff that’ll lead to smaller goals that can escalate.


Welp, got another request for a full, and this one was for BAHAMUT, and it made me wanna run around yelling “GOOOOOOOAL all day”


but instead I edited the whole thing

in one day

yeo, this one’s way easier to read than Disjuncture!


Definitely, definitely learned a lot from book one.  I think this partially proves it.



God. Fucking. Dammit. TMI

One of the things I grew in my garden is called an “Indian Ghost Pepper”.   Up until 2015 it was THE spiciest pepper in the world — losing to the Carolina Reaper.   In India, it’s used as elephant repellent, and it’s very effective.  To give an idea of it’s spiciness, a habanero pepper, the third hottest, I think, is 200-300,000 scovilles (heat units.)   A ghost pepper can be anywhere from 1,000,000 to 2,300,000.   It’s very, very hot.  It’s the only thing I’ve seen that made both, my father, and my friend Ilya make a pain face.  Ever. In my life.  And I didn’t make them eat one, I dipped a knife in this thing I make from it, which I call “peppah watah”, which is a much milder, hawaiian-recipe-based solution.  And I made them lick the knife after whicking the residue off.  And that’s still too much.  In most recipes, if I’m not cooking the peppah watah out, I used no more than 2-3 drops per cup of water or lb of meat.

It’s very, very, spicey.


Today, I made my second batch of ghost peppah watah.


Then I stood over the area that I diced the ghost pepper.

Lungs, instantly burning.  All I was doing was standing over the area to chop an onion.


Decided to switch pants.


And I’ll be honest, cause I’m a h00mon.  In the process I elected to readjust my dick.

I used the hand that held the ghost pepper in place.


Instant regret.

Instant, regret.






waking up so mehed up that you go to your garden in shorts and start weeding because pulling the ones out that you didn’t plant feels right and you don’t care if the misqueeters are biting you because you know the itch and the swell are temporary, but totally, totally care that you kill them mid-bite; it isn’t a symptom.


It’s a solution.