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37 + 11

A week and a half ago, after playing basketball with some officers, I met up with a girl I saw for a hot minute this year. I think she wanted to gauge and feel me out. Let’s be honest, sometimes the memories you leave behind make an eternal space.

I could go into the infinity reasons why but I’m getting really into fitness. Part of it is trite, some of it is even petty, but also most of it is not. But I’ve always been driven like this….way I see it, there was just a period where I was filling other unsatisfactions with known copes such as a big relaxing meal. Food nurtures good company. And after coviding and being a bit dissatisfied with home life, yeah, food fills.

And she we had what we had before this too.

And there’s a lot more that’s changing. Work, compared to where I was a year ago? Not even the same ballpark. I have a team. In practice at the office, I say our team because that’s righter, but I could say my team. And it’s great, and it’s part of a wider team. Let’s put modesty aside: my leadership is demonstrable and skilled and talented. For the most part, I. Feel. Successful. And. Grateful.

So…smaller roles….capable, but less capable….apt to settle….apt to diminish how I feel in the long term for cool short terms…..that’s not me anymore. Not my life.

And I love that.

So I sat down with this qt. And I wanted to gauge her too. We fell out because the communication wasn’t constructive and I wouldn’t say that’s on my end. And she was still gorgeous.

But still drinking a lengthy ton. Coming from me, that’s a statement. I saw it again, still wanting to live out nights at bars. And as I’d later learn, the communication might not be so good and turn into gamification b.s. if I indulged that. And in the end I’m sure it’ll again leave me confused and overthinking things I’d then realize I shouldn’t, which would lead to frustration.
But I still appreciate her. Just maybe we’re not each other’s cup of tea.

That’s still ok. There’s still respect. There’s still appreciation.

We haven’t talked yet but I appreciate that she’s there and reached out and my smile is nothing but genuine.
I say hi, and I haven’t yet taken off my jacket and she doesn’t yet know I’m a different composition constitution and shape now and that’s ok too.

And I smile and crack a joke.

And she looks genuinely confused.

“Your voice changed.”

“Did it?”

I’ve been feeling for months now that it has, but I’m 37. That doesn’t make sense.
Is it psychological? Did I get a cough that never fully reverted? Because I agree, I’ve felt like it has.

I hear it differently in my head at least.

“Why has your voice changed?”

“I finally hit puberty.”

“Huh?”

“I guess my balls just dropped.”

This is one of those jokes that’s loosely rooted in reality. It’s funnier when I don’t spell it out.

Because I could: I have grown. Drive wise. Emotionally. Strategically. Upward and Outward.. What I give a fuck about. How, and moreover, what I escalate.

I’m so curious where life will go. I remain so curious how life will grow. I remain curious how far I will literally move, and for what and why and how. I rewatched some old youtube videos last night and on one hand…cringe….I can tell I had so, so fewer resources at my disposal, but a raw aptitude that wasn’t without cringe. On the other hand, that guy seems so younger to me now. That guy makes me go, “You haven’t achieved your final form, but you’re interesting. Weird, for sure. One day you will successfully manage a life in one of the toughest cities on Earth and you will be able to generate help for others because you won’t need it any longer and you will love it.”

I don’t know what the point of this entry is besides to talk about me, but it’s Thanksgiving, and I have tons to be thankful for. New communities. Team building. Team building exercise # 9. Working — and I don’t mean as a career, I mean knowing that I work in every way I want to. New communities. The recognition of potential and connections not yet made, but the potentials and connections that could so very be there. The capability to. Efficacy.

I realized one of my closest buddies and I have known each other for 8 years now. Other besties. A quarter of a century. My family is still rich in stuff besides money. I feel that genetic jackpot too often too.

Shit sneaks up on you in a good way sometimes. I’m thankful. If you’re not, work to be thankful too. When you are, you’ll know success.

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