^This

/RantWarning

I think I might be a lil narcissistic!

And it’s funky because, if I take those “are yoo a narcissist” tests, I score very low – to the point of opposite of a narcy narc. (I swear I don’t try to change my answers.)

Still, after seeing weird things I get caught and hung up on (to the point that I can function a LOT less if I let myself – this would imply dysfunction which’d define disorderly psychology.)  After thinking I’m genuinely related to some people who’re pretty special in the head (I think if there’s a genetic basis to narc, I’ve got one) and trying to learn a lot from a dummy,

well,

I’ve just got a lot of data to analyze.  It’s like having access to webmd and trying to figure out if you have cancer, I guess.  Conclusion: I have organs, so I probly have cancer.

Saving graces have been that I’m usually very good at figuring out peoples moods motives and thoughts, comparatively.  (Totally something a narc wouldn’t comfortably assert.)   Saving graces have been that I’m usually really loyal and go above and beyond to help someone I think deserves it. Saving graces have been that I get really sensitive to things like, homeless people who seem . . .extremely disadvantaged. Makes me hurt.  Makes me wanna give a dollar so I feel better.  (I’m also not saying that’s a noble thing.)

But evidence to the contrary involves . . .the above.  Look at the amount of I.  I’m nothing whenever I’m not comfortable with the truths within my ego. Look at how interesting I think my thoughts are.  And just because I have a face that knows they are (check website name) it’s . . .a lil narcy.

The neurosis of being concerned if you’re narcissistic (which isn’t very narcissistic, but certainly some kinda neurotic) attacks a few things that are important to a grown person.  First to mind come self esteem and self containment.

Self esteem in that you realize maybe you should be more humble to not suck at life.  To realize faults and flaws you should work them instead of bringing them into spin zone.

Self containment in that you get anxy and want to prove you’re good to people by being good to people . . .which involves people. (and let’s be honest, lots of great things get done without moar people around.)

I hate egomaniacs. Maybe it’s cause I could easily be one and they resonate with the faults I’d hate to see myself get consumed by. Maybe it’s cause I’ve met a few and it’s sensitized me with red flags and alarms at certainly personality traits.  So I don’t wanna be one.

But the bottom line is whatcha gonna do with an inherent nature?  This is my silliness.  I hate social networking in that my approach is probly a lil different. It’s how I’m driven to take things.  Sites like these are spawns of that extra egotistical energy, and y’know, I like that these can be really constructive offshoots, but I also hate that this can be deconstructive, unhelpful bull.

This year I’m trying much harder to add positive influences into social systems.   I wanna never worry about “am I talking shit” to infinity (and that’s easier to do cause I don’t have people around goofing things up as much! Life’s still imperfect, but there’re fewer excuses to embrace, so I just have that much less of an excuse.)  I don’t wanna SUCK the good energy out of people’s focuses.  I wanna send my fucking query letters (which I got redone today, and don’t know why I’m typing here instead of sending.)

Well

the trigger to this rant is I did that thing again today where I was thinking too much about a person’s insult and did a cost-benefit analysis

and realized my life would be better without this suck

(and honestly not like the person sucks.  Actually, in many ways, I suck. I just couldn’t deal with some of the bullshit they brought naively, because I just wasn’t mature enough.)

But look,

I had a friend who to me proved to be kind of a douche, and I just couldn’t take in their douche, in addition to all the other douche that’s in my life, and actually cut ’em out. I think it’s self explanatory to point out the benefits of cutting out someone who has a douchey affect on your existence and communication style.  So I did.

But I did it again and,

in the end, maybe I shouldn’t expend people.  I say this because every older aged narc I know dies confused, unsure, anxious, less accomplished, and alone.  I expect that before they die, have a focus of something they wish worked better.  And meanwhile, I want to imagine and wonder about saints of spirits who ENJOY what they’ve done with their day, every day, and while they might be a lil sad at life’s end (because that’s a limit) I like to imagine that they can be pleased with what was a very succesful human existence.

So maybe in the end I need to accept that some people are flawed, and not go cross-eyed at a real offense as much as silently weigh ’em out, and pursue the better positive energies in life.  I know that’s true actually.

My goal here is going to be to make said positive energies available for the douchetasm in question.  But I also really wanna distance myself from the situation.  That does mean taking into myself more. I just really ought to not be an asshole ’bout it.

I really HATE the idea that there’re probably people out there who are bound to mood swings where they wanna attack . . . something.  That no matter how far they make it in life they’ll wanna find dissatisfaction and attack something.   I get a little anxiety over the idea that man . . . I get triggered and annoyed about a couple things.   I know that these people who’re susceptible to life-suck, no matter how well they’re doing in life (and can’t contribute enough to forge real, decent, viable relationships) SHOULD be responsible enough for weighing their possible flaws into any circumstance and weighing if they really do kind of add strong elements of suck like a douchetasm.

So I guess and think I should do the same!