Last night I had the realization that there are people out there who seek to be treated better than the intention, as in, the intention is less relevant to them. This blew my mind, but that quote from Dr. Psychopath about how as soon as he became conscious of his behaviors, and decided hed get more thoughtful, that his wife appreciated him more. The doctor, being an honest guy goes, “but i didnt mean it!” And the wife goes, “I dont care. It makes me feel good that you care enough to bother.” Suppose this goes back to the whole behaviors vs thought process thing. Makes me think psychos can be partners when they feel it’s in their interest (but that’s not how id like to go about it, just helps me respect that fucked up people can lead to healthyish families if they put their mind to it and wanna, which takes a lot.) I’m a lil weirder in how i value- and im not saying that’s better. But I might treat a polite behavior with suspicions or coldness if I think the intention behind it has a nasty agenda. But, sometimes people wanna be treated how they want to be treated. I cant always assume that my intentions redeem what people feel are screwey behaviors, when its not that black and white.

In separate news,

I cant apologize for a thing too many times. Like i get into, “I already said sorry, and I’ve been sorry, and I’ve moved forward as a sorry person but not regressing to that point again so what do you really want?” Mode. Ive apologized more than many would, i think, already, but maybe the timing was shit cause I’m still being told that I’m not owning up. But ….I did….. pretty transparently, and i offered to tell exactly as much as theyd like to know…and really think I did at that time, based on what i was told. (Im sorry if a few entries back is something of a shocker, but that’s how it is.) The biggest part of how i actually realized regret, is also in my change of behaviors in life now. (My sis would be proud of what i did last night, I think.) Am getting more loyal and thoughtful, even though, honestly, i only mean it 99% of the time (not any less.) I’m doing better, and if i explained what i did last night id be judged severely……but its something i know was tough to do, and right, so I did it anyway, and I dont know if Id be man enough to do that if it wasnt for some of the paining recent events. Thats why im ok having gone through it? The outcome could be better than if I hadn’t at all, and, even tho i feel over time words like never SHOULD seem ridiculous……maybe they’re true sometimes. Never is a word for a reason.

I just cant seek forgiveness from someone who wants me to take the role of the fucked up person and nothing more. Its a lil kingpinny, and I feel asked to pull the trigger in my mouth…. Especially when the observer is so eager to villanize me, that’s bad. Especially if theyre reading for signs of bad when its a lil grayer and personal – “look not into the abyss lest ye become a monster yourself” and all that shit. Especially because I did just what I thought I should to man up, just maybe intentions are stupider than proper copacetic behavior. So, I moved on. Sorry, but I already felt bad for a long while, communicated it, got my humility and the best thing I can do now is just do better by others. And I’ve been. And I’m glad this person has hope in their own life, with, or without my being destroyed in their eyes by their own standards.

Anyway, more than forgiveness at this point (sorry, but I deserved less bad spin) I’ll just have to be good, fair, and right to the people who’ll let me to not be a bad guy now, and I genuinely don’t feel like being like being a bad guy. I love the appreciation for being the best i can think to be, and I’m the type of bamf who’ll keep learning as long as I’m passionate. And these fires run deep, too.

Anyway, maybe there’s a reason I’m really feeling this one today:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmLv8rfunPo]

Baaack to work.