Things are still way better since deciding to pull away from what felt like it was becoming vindictive nasty. (I guess nowadays I’m just a lil more mad that I don’t wanna do this character as a pure saint in this story, know that’s a lil ridiculous, and, don’t care, whatever. Cause things are still actually pretty good and ok.)
And you know, for a bit it was really tempting to frame that situation with buzzwords like “toxic” and “abusive” above, but, ohai, and those labels have ways of making us wanna textbook victimize ourselves and, I dun wanna, cause I kick fucking ass and life > any ole texbook.
When those types of relationships or dynamics or things suck people in, all parties are, or get fucked up after a certain point. Everyone’s got friends they’ve seen go through something that seems pervasive and fakked, and what I still think every time, more important than finger pointing (cause trust me, I can have talent as a very good finger pointer. And that’s not the point) is that sometimes it’s actually just the really smart person who’s saying “yo, respect and empathy but this just doesn’t feel good time 2 fuck off I’m sorry.”)
Honestly, I hope to never get to place where I can’t say that. It means I’ve either woefully underestimated how close or important I should be with someone, or someone’s really mad about some fuck up, and both options’ll probably make me feel bad.
But that “Kay lil empathy but I have to realize above all this doesn’t feel good and it’s time to fuck off sorry bai.” is way smarter than the smart person who feels so smart that they can fix anything and wants to – those folks can really become victims to people’s nastier intentions/malfunction/confused not giving a fuck by repeatedly disrespecting those nasty intentions.)
And I mean that about the finger pointing – looking for damaged or nasty people with this ‘evil-doers are evil’ mentality just . . . adds little to your world, besides a shit-colored lens. Villanizing people says a lot more about the villainizer and their own agenda more than the villain, a lot. Truth is, even the worst of us tend to have a self-justified reason besides “I just like being secretely fucked up or evil! nyuck nyuck nyuck!” And, guess what, you can make yourself crazy by needing that reason to appeal within your world view after giving out just a lil bit of empathy. But guess what – it might not. We’re not programmed to feel cool about all things – in fact some millions of years are the only explanation for how complex is the biology for you to feel more than annoyed when someone else starts monetizing and profiteering from your tapioca pudding recipe. Cognitive dissonance is another factor. And maybe you have to accept that it’s not within you.
And seeing things that way, well, it can make yourself feel wrong or off when you start trying to put that “WHO’S WRONG” lens on someone you let yourself feel wholly different about for a good while. Sure, it’s natural to wanna lash out / point and insult more than critique when you feel compelled to do a double take of “WTF” and, sometimes it’s easier to figure out how you can point fingers at the other person instead of deciding to take control of your own happiness and do what’s best for you.
But trust me, doing what’s best for you can be way, way sweeter, in the end. AND IT MIGHT TOTALLY FEEL AND SEEM LIKE SHIT DURING THE DOING, but, just think about it and keep at it. I still think the people who should be in your lives won’t really have a true problem being in your life in the end without extenuating circumstances – and I’ll buy you a beer if I’m wrong. AND, if you’re making good decisions, we’ll – eventually, if you don’t die, you’ll live a life with pay-off. You should totes enjoy that.
So to end this rant, yes, if you find yourself a power struggle SURE – you might see evidence that one side treads on more stable ground like . . . who’s able to take criticism better, who gets into a rage, who’s speaking candidly, weird shit like that – but what’s more important in an abusive power struggle (abusive in that, it’s violating boundaries or respect fair needs and doesn’t seem to stop until it’s run its course) is that you’re a dumb fucker within an abusive power struggle! Maybe the best thing you can possibly do is fuck off and esteem yo goodnesses (don’t expect other people to do that for you, many’ll muck up your most srs areas that should be esteemed) and definitely do that self-love thing (do not just mean fapterbate) and nurture the best things in your existence for real-reals. This helps realize actual value and enthusiasms.
That in turn’ll let you be amazingsauce and relate to others better too – funny how that works, huh? Cause I realized how many youtube psychobabble videos I’ve been listening to lately and sure, I’m really good at being able to see when people are doing textbook bad things in certain ways now (it’s actually making me much less creative when thinking about people’s processing and I don’t like this.) But you know what I know most of all – what ALL the textbooks say about making dynamics with people the who might do textbook bad things the thing to live for?
Try not to.
Since doing this in what . . . end march / AprilFools?- I kind of really have been enjoying how I’ve been throwing myself into work (learned excel real fuckin well, feel like a wizard, and seem to be that guy who gets a special type of task at work now, and I really enjoy figuring it out.) Jai’s really grown on me for so many right reasons. I’m also thinking to take the things I didn’t do so well before and do them extra well now. That’s just how life is and, some things I’m seeing are proving the world’s wonderful.
Really sucks if anyone loses sight of that.
I’ve always known it was freeer to be weirder and more open your quirks, and very freeing to esteem yourself and not worry about getting the approval and appeal of something that might make you feel like you need to walk on eggshells in the doing.
You’ve got to observe, and if you can maybe chuckle about the folks who would actually want to see you miserable or feel negative or regret doing what you think it’ll take to make you happier. The real ones who’re important for you, they might wanna discuss how you did it, see if you could improve, do better – that’s a form of criticism that’s fair (I even sort of expect that from my friends) but you can’t let other people control those decisions for you. You’re letting ’em control your payoff. And, newp! If anything, it’s way more fun to be that spirit that crushing, crushed spirits (that’ll just want to control and eat yoars) will hate.
(I haven’t stopped listening to this yet – can you tell?)[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CADGxyB0cw8]