Ended up seeing the greatest gurl eva EVERY DAY last week. Which is whoa and weird because we’re both the type who need to karate others if we don’t get our individual, private moments in, and this might be the most time we’ve ever voluntarily spent with another. And I’m thinking folks like her (of which there are not very many at all) are the only types I wanna share time with, for now, for a lil bit.
Realized yesterday when we both decided to just watch strange shitty niche tv together it’s cause doing stuff with her can feel like alone time, and I wanna get me that selfish time in. Just straight up yar, moin. It’ll feel like a lil more work to go out because most people simply won’t let themselves be genuinely curious or dorky, maybe cause they’re busy considering power plays and power struggles? Not sure, but do know that Way might shake up a good internal foundation if given enough time. (I’m also a lil paranoid about how and what the noggin’s been expressing most lately, and how language gets dumbed-down if you repeat the same concepts and decisions every day. Feeling like I have not been making the headspace or the time to read more, maybe get cerebral about new things, explore and drive into new stuff, and gotta afore I grow a hearty case of cabin fever. Even high functioning people can do that when they’re not living their own novel anymore.)
Have been thinking about morality too much lately, and still thinking there’re beneficial to humanity behaviors and attitudes, vs selfishly aggressively beneficial to the individual ONLY behaviors and attitudes. As far as I can tell, this still remains the only distinction between good and bad. Yet this view actually makes a LOT of room for gray area. A LOT. (It’s real fucking loose too – for example I know I mean prosocial, but the scheme gets manipulable if you’re weak on its breakdown, such as “What does ‘beneficial to humanity really mean’ . . . )
Plus, a person has to get utilitarian sometimes when gray area happens – make personal decisions, and sometimes those personal decisions are even selfish AND good. (Example: not going to something to do something else.) Again, gray area. And not everyone has a taste for that – it’s obviously easier to appreciate something that’s strong and simple more than complex.
Meanwhile, there’re droves of folks out there who won’t realize what they’re doing when they try to color another’s moral compass, or fill your head with shoulds that’re completely and actually independent of their wider cause and effect. They can even be well intended, but a real easy example is people telling you what are the correct career or financial decisions. Lord help ya if this person has their own priorities confused.
Anyway, alone time with the gf feels special in that she has her own moral compass, but she can also be so . . . cool, chill not disturbing, without being pushy or reactionary with a buncha shoulds sparked by her ideals (or ours align enough that it just doesn’t seem that way. Whatever) This makes it so much easier to be. And it’s like, wonderful right now. Dorkily, refreshing.
Meanwhile: Happy hours. Parties. Gabbing. Catching up. People checking in with questions. (People with pride and really strong feelings making them a lil more like bullies.) Most of that’s really great and it’s usually an honor to be thought of, but these are also often filled with lotsa “Hey this is my black and white, will you confirm or disconfirm?” types.
And it’s always refreshing to relate to people who can share, and be self contained, without disturbing other people’s colors. (Have to admit, I need to remember to be more like this. Think it’s a tendency that’s been diminishing with things I can care about, when feelings and desire mix and I want to express an urge to control. And just looking around my space, I can see I like inspired life and patterns of organized chaos. Very different than the mentality that thinks everything has a place and a correct reaction.)
Anyway, when people communicate, it seems usually to talk in terms of black and whites. These lead to “shoulds.” But I know I’m still a lil tireder lately, and feeling a little more like being a private dork and for the most part a good goof – but this also has just a little space open. Cause I strongly feel like it’s time to just shut up, watch things unfold, think, nurture what I think is good to nurture, and enjoy existing.
Maybe this page’ll get a good update once I get some better things worked out, through and done, but truth is, I’m getting tired of coming here to paint colors with a word pallet too. And maybe (kinda hopefully) that’s it for me here for a while.
^It’s kinda strange and rambley too, I know 😉
Anyway, blah blah, thanks for visiting. Enjoy dat work week ❤