I just see no good way to equate growing up with learning how to harbor a type of resentment. And you can be as intellectual as you want about a resentment, it still makes you a stupid-head:
A thing I’ve noticed is people’s tendency to make unfavorable generalizations. We grow up doing this, and clearly, this saves lots of thought-work and critical thinking, but sometimes – in fact usually – when forming negative characterizations, we sell ourselves short when selling others to the shit-list. We create channels of resentment, and, what’s actually a lil evil, tool our negative opinions to justify poor treatment or things we normally wouldn’t do. We colorize so we can do bad ourselves, but still consider ourselves ok people. It’s a bad cycle.
My mind works in a way that I always have the temptation to make some wise-ass response to any ass situation, and I usually resist – usually. I know that the second I want to make a generalization that it’s really more of a red flag of the situation itself more than a valid generalization,
but this doesn’t always stop others (or, I guess myself, for that matter.) Hey, we’re human. But I look at the brunt bulk of people going out of their way to make painful generalizations on other people’s statuses, I see it in emails, “candid” private talks, the shit people say when wasted and
You know, SOME people are very eager to label all sorts of groups and behaviors as “bad.” “Bad” people are about. “Bad” people surround you. Whitey’s out to get you. Blackey’s gonna steal yo car. Men love to mansplain shit and shut everyone else up. Feminazi’s are the liberal oppressor. Blah blah blah.
All nonsense. When you boil people down, we all want similar things, and have SIMILAR drives to be happy. I guess I’m not so cynical in that I think, hey, we all basically want to be happy. Hey, somethings fucked up if someone WANTS to make a baby cry, right? It’s when we get disenfranchised, it’s when we feel something has robbed or taken away our happiness, that we really turn into assholes who manipulate or contribute to situations in manipulative or asshole ways. And we lose sight of that when we subscribe to views such as “Men just want to have their egos fellated” or “Bitches be dumb and don’t even-” blah blah blah. We lose the ability to respect someone else’s experience and reasons, and just wanna paint the picture on them with some sorta negative label.
I believe that people are usually selfish, silly, egotistical, and capable of lots of sin and virtue. I believe people can grow into people who are ridiculous and fucked up, but, I don’t believe in “bad” people. Bad guys is a ridiculous concept. Them terrorists who hate your freedom just because they’re born in the axis of evil actually don’t exist. Maybe that’s just propaganda, and well, maybe if you subscribe to it you’re a moron who’s too much of a lazy fuck to understand why historical conditions have lead to some extremely fucked up beliefs and behaviors.
Anyway, regarding these colorizing generalizations, sometimes it’s just coercive assignment – act like ____, and I’ll call and treat you like a ______. Which’s, kinda nasty bullshit – and also an illegitimate form of manipulation if you’re smart enough to think for yourself – it’s defined by when someone’s opinions of how a person is to conduct themselves becomes dominating douchebaggery (see: slut-shaming / fuckboy shaming, fat shaming, ammish shaming, etc)
But sometimes it’s not just coercive assignment. Sometimes it’s rationalization where, the coercive assignment vehicle – the same methods – apply, but sometimes we generalize or paint people as part of our own personal propaganda to further campaigns. Wtf am I talking about? I’ll mansplain this shit:
I’ve made shit-lists in my time. It’s when, I deem you’ve been so shitty to me that I wanna get you back. It’s even juvenile and, maybe as of this year, rather than explode, or punish, or really wanna make people feel terrible so I can go “nya nya nya nya nya nya” I’ve learned the best, possible, classiest, healthiest, BEST thing to do easily, is just live a good life, on your own terms. Do it right. Duh, I know. But I’ve learned that people who’ve had to be shitty to me are actually not happy campers at the end of the night – and it’s pretty soul-sucking to spend energy trying to make them feel bad. I’m still seeing how this new practice plays out (pssp pssp, having my shit together feels nicer than ever) which’s a contrast to the MO during my gamer days, where it was better to rise above by simply crushing antagonizing players. I mean, that was the point of the game. But that type of campaigning in real life is superceded by a different MO. So no mas.
What I’m realizing from changing this philosophy up, is how much energy went in terrible places. The truth is, understanding why and how people aren’t happy campers at the end of the night, and why, is way better, at least for me – it’s just more interesting! – than going “they = bad.” I feel like I learn and understand more when I get some idea of what’s actually going on than when I just make a judgement of “____ = bad, grrrrrrr!”
“When you’ve judged something, you’ve stopped thinking.” Still one of my favorite quotes.
I think feminazis (not feminists, I’m talking straight up feminazis) are a special breed with all sorts of intellectualizations about how men are shitty not because it facillitates equal rights, but because it helps them treat men like shit. Racists have all sorts of generalizations because it helps them be racist assholes. Duh. But the interesting thing is when these sorts NEED to be correct. Hello, we’re turning into a society of heads that’ll go out of our ways to justify toxic reasoning more than actually be above the situations said reasoning brings our supposedly enlightened thinking towards. (See: Donald Trump.) Yet sexism and racism are easy examples – what about individual interactions that lead to our minds spawning colorizing generalizations? Between people with pride, the exact same “HERE ARE INTELLECTUALIZATIONS TO FIND SUMMARILY VALID” thinking and behavior that follows becomes more likely with more pride. And this is what makes prideful people transform from being great people, to douchenozzels. It’s why prideful people when unhappy can be more dangerous to folks around them who wanna feel decent.
The deal: One thing I get is that people who’ve been hurt like to externalize their pain, as it creates a source of blame you can do something about. But then you have to figure out why the party taking the heat had blameworthy intentions. And heck, the easiest, laziest, shittiest thing you can do is simply deduce “because they’re just bad.” (So sayeth the plot of almost every shitty movie ever) Or some other coercive label.
But really, only sociopaths are “just bad” and even then, the vast, vast majority come from upbringings chock full of toxic or traumatic abuse. Wanna save the energy of figuring out a bad person’s deal? Just don’t deal with ’em, set limits and boundaries, but don’t, waste your headspace, intellectualizing shit unintellectually. That leads you down the road of “Bad” and “nice” and trust me, it ends with you a selfish moron who, honestly, at the end of the day, is more likely to be placated more than happy.
I believe happiness comes when you actually understand how good things are growing in your life, and have an active hand in that. If to you, people are just colors of good and bad morality with no internal character in a state of flux – if you can’t actually understand HOW people came to be perceptible as bad to you, then how could you do the converse, and actually understand HOW people came to be perceptible as a good thing in your life? Face it – if you don’t practice actual empathy and solely measure people by how their behaviors affect you, well, not only is that setting up to give power to the folks who DO do the work of figuring you out, but it also makes you less likely to feel like you have an active role in growing good things in life. There’s a huge difference in waiting for a “good” man/woman to make you happy instead of making yourself happy, which WILL make you attractive to the best of ’em. And I find, teasing apart what you like and don’t like about a person’s character just creates more resources, options, realizations, and PEACE, than taking a passive role for-or-against their colorized sins and virtues. We’re all people, and the best of us never ever lose sight of the commonalities that’s present in ALL of our journeys towards better living.
So, those assholes on the street? Today, more than shit talking ’em, I’m honestly happier figuring ’em out more than just hating them. I’m not doing anyone any favors by forming an opinion and having a big mouth about it. I’m more enlightened by being quieter and understanding that I don’t understand everything and going about my own existence the best I can. And that chick walking like she thinks she’s hot shit and wants me to notice yet actually annoys the shit outa me? If all I register is annoyance, I’m actually missing out on figuring out her self-esteem issues – which’s, trust me, an insight that’s totally useful towards being an even more kickass man. (Insight + good story to take home = win.)
Anyway, that’s the end of this blah blah – and pretty much my point. If you have a shit-list, well, if I can, I’m sure most people can – consider scrapping it, or turning it into a “list of people who suck and won’t make you feel good by being shitty” cause, that energy spent campaigning or harboring the intending to hurt another? Where it’s being diverted from is empathy – the ability to understand how another person actually is. What this makes you, is less evolved, and under this mental idea of a person who’s Way you’re taking with you, and giving new life to by continuing to fabricate. Some of the nicest people turn into the nastiest when something upsets their ability to find, maintain, or have happiness, and, maybe it really is nicer and feels better to understand what’s going on more than just deduce them as a nasty person, and seek them out to treat them as such.