I like my life because I like my brain. It’s not the best on Earth at anything on Earth except telling the stories it does, but I wouldn’t have another way. I’m also not starving and able to be a pretty fat animal if I want. Most of my life, that was a solid measure of stability and success.
And, being older and in different circumstances means different perspectives. Interactions, being serious, having goals – leads to lil dramas and trials. In idea, I like these too. And family, and people, leads to shifts in perspective. (Small example: I realized I grew up with the word “soul” in place of a personal indulgence, and only recently became aware that there’re people who’ve been raised to consider the same thing “selfish”.)
And blah blah. Time, passes.
I assure myself life is great cause it is and there’s so much good going with good people. Heck, super lucky I am.
But I’ve always recognized and found it fascinating that you can be succesful, with the greatest lover, and still feel depressed, and then feel depressed about feeling depressed when there are so many others who feel better with so much less.
(Cyrre Cyrre in the Cyrre.)
Cause for me, the truth is give me the greatest friends, sweetheart, income, and life still ain’t always bubbly. And who’s is, until they’re on their way? Like it’s true that sometimes when alone I’ll wake up mad because the world has disappointments. But it’s cause I’m not focused – I realize, it’s likely I’m prioritizing things that I should know better than prioritizing.
And getting focused isn’t a matter of “just get focused” like it’s that easy, as much as the task to do which must be done. I know part of why I still have edits on Disjuncture to do was I wasn’t hard enough on myself AND ALSO didn’t say no enough. Look, when you’re the best and try your best to live and be a soulful person, you’ll accumulate people you confuse who’ll try to make sense of you through their own lens, even when their own shrewd lens definitely shouldn’t apply. Or at least not on a cat with eccentric enthusiasms.
I think nowadays it can be a real battle to take the time to do something you know you have to, no matter how much “free time” you have. You need to be able to act on that drive, too. Again, if you know what to do, and realize someone’s becoming an unjustified excuse, well maybe, fuck’em. Cause what, looking for a support network to do a goal? Fuck that. It’s too easy for our world to say “fuck yoo” so, advocate for yourself. Get your own back. Depend on yourself.
I feel like that’s the wisest thing I’ll ever know, cause sometimes people grew up in a way that makes ’em, not wholly good for another’s well being. This doesn’t make ’em bad people – as much as naturally, people. These not-good folks may even be few, but if you respect them, and they don’t respect their actual impact, they can selfishly be a shitty person without realizing. Heck, amongst all my thoughts-to-say, it’s fact that I’ve done imperfect things and had to learn to be more sensitive and better myself. But that is part of the human experience, and part of individual life – evaluating what to do with whatever degree of sensitivities you have to these properties. I have the new belief that American culture fosters that, a lot more than people with critical thinking who’re actually nice. (My mom’s one of those great untradable mothers who I think managed to shelter me from this by actually being a kickass person which made me think most people will figure out their own ways too, but not everyone creates life above their immediate challenges. It’s not fair to expect that, or assume the power to communicate towards that.)
So if you wanna be a nice person who thinks critically and creates products with these thoughts, well, you’ve got a challenge and you NEED to weigh what you’ll use your critical sensibilities for and what you’ll work on.
Guess that’s pretty much the end of my personal reminder and rant. Sure, I might sometimes wake up mad but I think that’s a sign that I haven’t risen into my own way, more “Be mad.” Cause when mad, well the temptation to find small distracting amusements – say waste time on facebook, or polarize myself on how I already see things, well those less awesome uses of time become more real. As we get older, it’s easier to live in the past, as we get wiser it’s easier to look for disappointments that fuel vitriol but you know what?
That’s not actualized life.
I am impressed that there are really people who are hoping against what I’m trying to do. I am impressed that my old man is out of touch and as negative as he is. I am impressed at the people who grew up under conditions that make them think I’m spoiled (but I think they don’t know me, and again, that self-lense thing . . ) Heck, I’m really impressed at how capable of emotional battery the most battered of people – even noble ones – can be when being shrewd and arrogant with little regard for longer consequences. I’m impressed at how easy it is to talk about Donald Trump with most any American vs how easy it is to talk about science or awesome recreation.
But that’s just a little observational bitching. It’s not the bottom line or end all. All one has to do is decide it’s not.
Part of growing a little cynical is losing illusions that people wanna be nice and loyal as much as self-benefiting. It’s easy to be an idealizing young person, but eventually there’s time for some cynicism to have a healthy impact on that sheltered soul. In nyc at least, other people’s versions of soulfulness are generally not universal, and you shouldn’t hold a person who’s soulful – indulgant to the self – but negligent about what’s actually best for you or you’ll lose self respect in the process. That’s not all bad, and the idea’s not that embittering.
But that self respect part . . . Being too compliant with the above sorts is a danger, and more so in an oversaturated world where we’re use social media to the extent we do.
Yet knowing what you wanna do when you wake up. Being willing to work towards it. Being able to tell everyone who’d tell you otherwise to fak the fak off cause you can feed yourself and be awesome without ’em, it’s necessary when you wanna do certain things greatly. More necessary than just having folks who support you, that’s gotta come from within.
Yep, that’s a rant, but also shit I’ve learned from actually working and marathoning. It’s something I’ve had to realize this year – I can wake up pissy, but then I could get to work. And then I can feel calm and pride, because i’ve earned it.
And then in that working mind (instead of agitated or confused) the folks who have expectations and desires about me their way only seems like a saddening alternative in comparison.
I’m one of those sorts who’s gonna do weird things till the day I die. I love that, and my folks super do too. If you get this far in my rant, I hope you’ll do the same. Real soul is a gift, not a vice. And sharing its enjoyment is a phenomena – it shouldn’t be a vulnerability.