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I’ve been learning to deal with problem personalities by focusing on actual problems.  It gives a sense of accomplishment when you knock said problem down, and a sense of purpose and direction when you ID the problem.  Feelings themselves, rarely a problem, unless there’s some real….special thing going on.    Problems which also lead to feelings, well, that’s obviously the problem.  (I’m becoming an interesting figure in family, and had to settle a legal dispute involving a dumbass and my stocks that he fucked up lately.)

That aside,

I’ve definitely picked up a skillset (that you can see here http://www.youtube.com/cearce) when it comes to video editing.  Like, not saying I’m hollywood, or pro-youtuber, but it’s been REAL NICE learning what goes into amateur to pro vids.   I have a lot to say on it, but don’t feel like saying it all.  It is however, another way to communicate, engage an audience, or entertain.  I also think it’s a more powerful medium than books.

Some neat self-awareness things too: I started out editing vids where each minute = about an hour of editing.  (I can rip out a vid that I think is entertaining in MUCH less time now, or still take forever and get something with a lot of tricks in it.  I like doing both every once in a while.   I also focused on pokemon because I figured it was a focus that had an audience, it helped me stay clear of the politics that make me feel like I have something to say, but really, is a topic makes us all dumber, and because I had a love affair for PoGo for a few months that’s only recently starting to calm down.)

When you do dis, there’s a LOT of listening to yourself or getting sick of your own stupid face — I don’t care how full of yourself you are, it’s overexposure because most people are programmed to feel like it’s overexposure, and only a very extreme personality type wouldn’t.

So stuff like the pitch of my voice, pacing, ticks – lot more evident.   Anyone who wants to do anything public, I recommend editing videos of yourself – you’ll definitely learn something.

Speaking of books, I’m not clinging to illusions that America is a machine that wants to consume things like…. good books.  The top 5 movement is happening with books, and there are scary things about the better sellers on Amazon that makes me realize difference between professionals and dreamers – even if the dreamers are talented.  These are not things to take too seriously, cause they don’t change too much beyond one of my long-term goals.
First thing to cover: while it is true that more people are reading and even consuming and buying books than ever, that’s a skewed statistic.  Common sense tells me that’s because there’re more americans than ever, and yes more LITERATE Americans than ever, and more americans with 5$ to blow than ever.  The reality though, is it’s MUCH easier to spend the day behind a computer screen.   I can’t be the only one who thinks, at least 5x a week, that Socrates spoke about a civilization that wanted to watch skewed shadows on the cave wall all day.    Like I know that’s weird, but that dang tale has to resonate with someone else.  I also can’t be the only one who wonders like, oh gee, I wonder why the cave people would violently exile that guy who wants to draw attention to a bigger picture – can’t be, I deny it 4eva, because being that critical philosopher is always being that constructively deconstructive pain in the ass.
(Btw, my favorite thinkers have always been more self-reliant, self-contained, bother nobody, but interesting because they are innately interesting, types.   You don’t have to have to abrasively share a douchey perspective to go philo)

This does mean that I’m a little less passionate about sharing those visions of disjuncture I had — I had and DID succesfully pen ’em years ago, and have something I’m happy to share today.  This does mean that I wonder if I’m a responsible person if I continue writer pursuits to the “ERP” degree.  I say this because ERP is ambitious, but personal more than valid until it’s not, and I do want to be a responsible person – I’ve met too many irresponsible people, and I don’t want to be the kind of person who pisses me off.   To go into why unnecessarily: if so it’d mean I’ll have a shitty bearing of the world cause I’ll constantly have to rewrite events involving myself, or just feel bad all the time.    (I’ve met people who are the type of people who piss themselves off, imo, those are their only two alternatives every time.)  That’s all a lot of energy.

Hey here’s a cool quote that’s semi-random: “If the past seems bad to you, you must be improving.”

Anyway, disjuncture-wise, MY vision of disjuncture involves depressing homeless interactions for an extra thousand words, or a guy trying to pick up chicks via manipulation because that’s how he learned to Man, or emphasizing that social pressure combined with a twisted personal drive can motivate people to try porn for a living, or uber-AI’s that’re really more like sincere, unthreatened, autistically savant children who will LEARN deceit because humans REQUIRE an illusion of compliance for unthreatened, peaceful coexistence, and ultimately maybe threats come from where we create them, and so on…..fak, now that I’m going over these elements I’m all “Newp, this vision’s great.”   They’re darling to meh, but I figure I’m gonna do two things these days:

1)  Get a new, big boy job.   Because money will make me a more powerful American……and that’ll give me the illusion of compliance with the status quo of this bluster-nation.  Sure, that makes sense.

2)  Maybe, if I want to see it sell, trim more darlings from disjuncure.   I’ll try and be more humble about my feelings, because I think part of the job of writer is realizing what PEOPLE want to read. For someone like me, I genuinely think 110k words is a MUCH easier sell than the vision I typed.  It’s just something I’m going to consider if I want to take further shots at that dream — and it’s something to think about.

3) Be the man.  Regarding that youtube thing, yesterday I had FUN by sharing my unscripted, gods-honest opinion.  I also didn’t expect it to be socially validated, or even super well received (I made a couple choices.)    And because I did it for fun, guess what, I had fun.  Ain’t nobahdy who can take that away.  Having that kind of empowerment makes one the man.  Or the woMan.  Whatever.

Blah, to the blah, to the blah.
This’s when I head home.
Bye Felicia.

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