With Jaidree out of town, I decided to keep indoors.

And I found myself enjoying healthy food, cause I decided I was too lazy to go to the stupormarket.  And too cheap to order.  What began as a pot of my favorite rice n dry beans became a moderately cheesey, onion-y, pepper dish with just a lil lean meat that was more garnished with so many vegetables from the garden.

 

(Have I mentioned that I effin love, my, garden? It feeds me, and I feed it.  [this is, btw, the only, only decent line in the entirety of “The Bad Batch” which is officially, the worst movie evar.)

 

Almost done with bahamut. Almost done with bahamut.  In marathons, the most tempting point to stop is mile 23.  I’m at mile 23.  But we all know I’m not gonna stop.

 

Since deciding I want to live clean, since J’s been out of town, I haven’t smoked a thing.  No tabbaccy.  Ganj is obviously out.  I’m not drinking a drop of anything except juice, water, and coffee. The last one I don’t think I’ll ever quit.

 

And I’m noticing….my work outs have gotten younger.   Yes I want to jump up and down again and again and again and again.  I wanna work out to select songs from garbage.

And there’s different stuff too.  The number of pushups. According to my heavy bag, my punches and kicks are harder than they’ve ever been.

And it’s weird because, I’m not younger.  I’m 220 pounds now, fer chrissakes.   Which is funny, cause I used to be 180.   Both of these numbers are pushing the limit for a healthy body range for the 6’4 height.  But I sense, now that I know I can easily drink 1500 calories in booze a day (didja know some people have genes that enable them to process alcohol in the short term super well?) the 220 weight will easily be going down.

 

But there’s an excitement, and a confidence that seems to creep into my brain when I live cleanly.  An, “ok if I need to fine, let’s me against the world. But I’d rather smile.” kind of confidence.  And the people upstairs, those disappointments who’ve screwed everything up, they….seem more distant.  Like, to put it cleanly, they can go fuck themselves.  I have a private life they simply aren’t a part of, and I’m able to enjoy it.

I think it’s most important to love, respect, and appreciate one’s self before trying to get along with the rest of the world.  It’s a massively privileged thing to say, because that takes privacy, well it takes nutritious food and water, and it takes the access to things that one knows they enjoy.

But I think we overestimate those things.  It doesn’t cost 20-30 bucks a day to eat.  Clean water isn’t that inaccessable in 99% of this country.  Youtube, while ad-filled, still gives near-instant access to so much media.  The internet gives so much to read and observe and play with — especially when you know what you’re doing.

There are some people out there I suspect are afraid of how irrelevant, and trite, and banal, and unliked and crappy they really are.

I think they respond to that by trying to control others. I think they try to mark their tribe by whom they can control, and that, more than almost anything else, makes for a person who’s pathetic.

Meanwhile, if you try to influence yourself into betterness, as soon as you’re doing anything efficacious and succesful….to me it seems that fear just instantly vanishes, and you get to enjoy this gift that is life.

You can tell I’ve had my coffee today.