America is still a bit of a mess.

I like the word mess, it’s relative, but implies a higher standard.

Movies from the 90’s and early 2000’s have been the most enjoyable for me lately.  Good ole story telling.  Even the campy stuff is LESS corny than I remember.  I can’t tell how much is nostalgia and how much is accomplished writing, but I know the writing isn’t completely accomplished.  Even something as silly as starship troopers — hell yeah.  That writing was self-aware, the soundtrack was great, and that era had a lot of sexiness that was just sex.

Blah blah blah.

I’m juggling a lot at work and there are offers to help and “do you need a hand” but I think help comes in a few stages that also take from the economy
1) recognizing need for help
2) raising hand for help
3) explaining how to help
4) double checking the people helping
5)  setting controls in place so the help is actually just helpful

And all of that can be very draining, and while I’m MORE than happy to play with teams, I think the biggest load is something that is best single threaded during the crunch.  We can talk about licking cords after.
(Trust me, that makes sense.)

Pretty horrible image and story coming up.
Not exaggerating when I say gruesome and despair are words that may apply to the following.
NOT recommended reading for everyone.
This is that warning.

The mentally ill…
It’s a weird status: mentally ill.
some combination of pariah and pity source
Normal people want to feel normal

by having some blanket, cookie cut feeling about people who are more mentally ill than them
like “I’m sorry you feel-”
like that means they’re not mentally ill
But secretly
I think normies kind of like having the mentally ill
And I think I know why that’s sick

The mentally ill are both weirdly wired
and often weirdly raised.
We intellectualize how much of it is their fault
we look to “experts” as guidance
but they’re just slightly less clueless
and often, mentally ill.

And then
the mentally ill sometimes can’t get help
as in, they can’t get help
no it’s not some whiny political statement that they can’t afford it cause there’s not enough money no
I mean sometimes they can’t get help

I once saw one of the most horrible videos I’ve ever seen in my life
whole 30 seconds long
should’ve been on the dark web but I was just wandering, browsing the web in the dark
two guys run up to a lady
she’s trying to sleep under a bridge on a piece of cardboard
she sure has no franchise
and the camera light is really noticeable in the darkness of the underpass
they’re speaking another language
they’re excited
she’s pretending not to hear them
she’s got some scrags of clothes for a pillow and rearranges them to make it more comfortable
and it’s more noticeable too
that she’s sleeping on her arm in a pretty ginger way
I remember watching this video and being pulled in there
as pity and sympathy are the natural and best human reactions
But it gets worse.
the camera guy says something that even in another language sounds like
“look! look!”
camera moves over her head
her skull has been broken and part of it is missing
her brain is exposed
the fact that she is still alive is all at once absurd, amazing, and terrible
looks like she is still just trying to sleep
and it gets much worse
the boy with the camera knew something,
it’s why he pulled his other friend in
he pulls the camera right over her wound
now I’m looking at her brain
and it gets worse
there are fucking maggots
I think they’re maggots
little white squirming things
(which makes sense if her wound
you know, her brain
has been exposed and festering and she’s been sleeping in areas where flies fly.)
And it gets worse.
the fucking squirming maggot things seem to react to the light
they writhe and wiggle and squirm into her brain
most of them disappear
even prepared, camera boy can’t take it either and jumps back
the lady makes a gritting face and tries to sleep
they fucking run
I fucking hated that what I saw was possible, let alone that it didn’t seem fake
went to comments
some internet sleuth had sleuthed it
made a translation of statements in the video
someone else online added another piece to the story:
someone offline had obviously taken a club to her head
apparently the boys had tried to take this woman to the hospital but the woman was turned away
said there’s absolutely nothing that could be done

So I’m not saying mental illness is those maggots
but also that maybe sometimes it is
and worse over
sometimes the people aren’t sleeping on cardboard under a bridge
sometimes the brains themselves are fucked up
hurtful and harmful
and sometimes they just don’t know what fresh air smells like after infinity hours of living in a gaslit environment
These are all facts.
I don’t know what to do with them except feel.

I got a lot of shit from that video.
It remains one of the worst things I’ve ever seen or thought about
that futility
I feel like I’d want to pick at that wound
speed up the inevitable
she didn’t even have a mirror

And then I remember sitting in that dark room
at an hour kind of like this one
And the shock of that video
made me go fuck what else haven’t I imagined
The answer is: way more than I have.

I do feel like the world is beautifully awesome
but man it sure comes with a dark side too
as in things can get really, really dark
not to take away from the amazing kickassery that can be appreciating a floating bag in the wind
but if nature can come with balance
that dark side sure can be a massive, massive bitch too
And that there’s my 4am thinking.


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