Ended up seeing the greatest gurl eva EVERY DAY last week. Which is whoa and weird because we’re both the type who need to karate others if we don’t get our individual, private moments in, and this might be the most time we’ve ever voluntarily spent with another. And I’m thinking folks like her (of which there are not very many at all) are the only types I wanna share time with, for now, for a lil bit.
Realized yesterday when we both decided to just watch strange shitty niche tv together it’s cause doing stuff with her can feel like alone time, and I wanna get me that selfish time in. Just straight up yar, moin. It’ll feel like a lil more work to go out because most people simply won’t let themselves be genuinely curious or dorky, maybe cause they’re busy considering power plays and power struggles? Not sure, but do know that Way might shake up a good internal foundation if given enough time. (I’m also a lil paranoid about how and what the noggin’s been expressing most lately, and how language gets dumbed-down if you repeat the same concepts and decisions every day. Feeling like I have not been making the headspace or the time to read more, maybe get cerebral about new things, explore and drive into new stuff, and gotta afore I grow a hearty case of cabin fever. Even high functioning people can do that when they’re not living their own novel anymore.)
Have been thinking about morality too much lately, and still thinking there’re beneficial to humanity behaviors and attitudes, vs selfishly aggressively beneficial to the individual ONLY behaviors and attitudes. As far as I can tell, this still remains the only distinction between good and bad. Yet this view actually makes a LOT of room for gray area. A LOT. (It’s real fucking loose too – for example I know I mean prosocial, but the scheme gets manipulable if you’re weak on its breakdown, such as “What does ‘beneficial to humanity really mean’ . . . )
Plus, a person has to get utilitarian sometimes when gray area happens – make personal decisions, and sometimes those personal decisions are even selfish AND good. (Example: not going to something to do something else.) Again, gray area. And not everyone has a taste for that – it’s obviously easier to appreciate something that’s strong and simple more than complex.
Meanwhile, there’re droves of folks out there who won’t realize what they’re doing when they try to color another’s moral compass, or fill your head with shoulds that’re completely and actually independent of their wider cause and effect. They can even be well intended, but a real easy example is people telling you what are the correct career or financial decisions. Lord help ya if this person has their own priorities confused.
Anyway, alone time with the gf feels special in that she has her own moral compass, but she can also be so . . . cool, chill not disturbing, without being pushy or reactionary with a buncha shoulds sparked by her ideals (or ours align enough that it just doesn’t seem that way. Whatever) This makes it so much easier to be. And it’s like, wonderful right now. Dorkily, refreshing.
Meanwhile: Happy hours. Parties. Gabbing. Catching up. People checking in with questions. (People with pride and really strong feelings making them a lil more like bullies.) Most of that’s really great and it’s usually an honor to be thought of, but these are also often filled with lotsa “Hey this is my black and white, will you confirm or disconfirm?” types.
And it’s always refreshing to relate to people who can share, and be self contained, without disturbing other people’s colors. (Have to admit, I need to remember to be more like this. Think it’s a tendency that’s been diminishing with things I can care about, when feelings and desire mix and I want to express an urge to control. And just looking around my space, I can see I like inspired life and patterns of organized chaos. Very different than the mentality that thinks everything has a place and a correct reaction.)
Anyway, when people communicate, it seems usually to talk in terms of black and whites. These lead to “shoulds.” But I know I’m still a lil tireder lately, and feeling a little more like being a private dork and for the most part a good goof – but this also has just a little space open. Cause I strongly feel like it’s time to just shut up, watch things unfold, think, nurture what I think is good to nurture, and enjoy existing.
Maybe this page’ll get a good update once I get some better things worked out, through and done, but truth is, I’m getting tired of coming here to paint colors with a word pallet too. And maybe (kinda hopefully) that’s it for me here for a while.
^It’s kinda strange and rambley too, I know 😉
Anyway, blah blah, thanks for visiting. Enjoy dat work week ❤
Foot’s healed enough that I’m planning to injure it running home again. That’s not a big deal as it’s just physical activity, but what I’m getting off on is as opposed to the idea that I’m getting lean like I largely ran for before, is the drive to push today, and the way it seems to boost the spirit later so I feel, strong. More beastly to be controlled. And like pushing harder. This is against the feel of stagnate. I crazy need that sentiment, too.
I can be as passionate as any, but, it’s always been discipline that could be my short coming. The ONLY times I’ve been amazing and great have been when I’m really disciplined, and, regarding anything I’m passionate about, I need to be careful to do it right. The first time.
As much as is deserved.
This means not being reckless, and it also means not just being full of myself.
That’s why I won’t shut up about Disjuncture, or other things I have a hard time shutting up about. I know what pulls my interest, and I indltend to live a life more valuable than my annual salary. And I expect this. (And almost as much as I want not the wrong party, I want the right party with me, too.
The right party may just be me. Or a circle of wonderful great people. Will see.)
It goes back to that high school passion vs discipline rant of mine – and, I still agree with it. The hand that moves super fast into a wall, yet is too stupid to hit the right spot / curl into a more protective fist, is just stupid. Doesn’t matter how fast it is, unless you’re dealing with soggy cardboard a good punch is always better than a harder wall-slap.
Fuck being open handed. And soggy walls too.
I feel like an independent entity in the world again. Haven’t realized how little I’ve been feeling like I’ve been learning to feel like something’s lacking. Which might explain the last 6 months of fast and loose. But you know what?
While I’m not alone, nor feeling lonely, and still can double book days with people (golly gee, mr. popular douchenozzel is me) I feel like better things can happen when alone, too. I feel like money is most valuble when its being put towards a goal. So i intend to master more within myself. It feeds. I also still loathe my fast and loose living of the last 6 months as it doesnt feed, and think doing some dramatic and for me life decisions is the way to go. Again, I’m looking forward to going home and being with myself and making, and following a plan, and seeing what happens/results.
While I haven’t always been able to say that lately, that there, is the opposite of depressing.
There is more opportunity else where than I thought too. That alone is uplifting.
I also almost gave up on the universe when it seemed like I lost my cat last night. Such a dramatic feel from such a fuzzy thing, on top of all the things, it was too much! But yes, that wasn’t a worst case scenario. I hashed out a lot that needed to bebe pretty soon after. Said things I needed to, I know what I feel and think, why some of things got crazier, how I feel, and, well i don’t know everything – I’ve always known that too. In this situation, while I don’t regard everything that fell short as just my shortcoming, there were also shortcomingsshortcomings that were mine. Result: I know now I need to be the best man I can be, its the only way ill shake off any feeling that im undeserving again. And that’s where the self respect is – and not with being crazed, or disturbed, or some sod using mental energy to stimulate a downward spiral – cause I hate that. And without good discipline, guess where the energy can go? I need to not cost self-respect.
Lastly, I won’t pretend about a goddang thing just cause I’m scared to be a lil unpleasant. That’s never my style, and makes what’s truly pleasant actually unpleasant. Real questions can also just be matter-of-fact and direct, too. That’s a lesson from the office environment at work.
It also is what it is – getting impatient and demanding as soon as things don’t go my way is far, far stupider, than just recognizing what’s deserved, and doing one’s best to go after just that. I’m also not going to be a willing fool, or settle for less than I deserve. I refuse to take a backseat that I don’t deserve. It’s one reason I like having my own strong two feet on the ground – get off of the bandwagon, man. Bandwagons can be another box.
Lastly, I also realize that manipulative me – truly manipulative me – where I DO win things by playing games tactically, and right, ain’t cool with real me. Unless thats the name of the game! Reason: because I don’t feel whole, or fulfilled, or really enjoy any laurels at the end. Am also pretty sure I’d resent just having to be presentable in the end.
I’m also pretty goddang groovey. Which’s why I’ll never feel cool about being backseated.
And I’m not.
And in light of my double standards, and life, tactics, and war, I had a gross realization that ive always HATED that guy who sits there pathetically in a cuckold video, and turn it off every time. When it’s made to seem malicious or he’s made to seem sad, it’s disgusting. And I’m not sure I need to feel like that guy. Ever. Further, stagnating, hovering, not truly growing and working towards your best ends – these are all life tragedies. I’ll be upset to the max if that’s my result. Ill be disgusted in a differeday I feel like doing my best at everything. The last time I was in a tough spot I let it affect way too much (work, my mom’s moms final days.) But that’s a difference between being a big-boy and a great man.
I’m not feeling depressed anymore. Things are tough, but I also feel privilege. I also feel liberated. And ya know what? I feel tired of I feel and I think statements.
I am what is and will make of myself
(which is a guy who feels like running later and enjoying the night as much as possible right after)
This’s gonna be on a gross topic that most smart men don’t talk about. But because I like figuring out the mechanics of human nature, if possible, I can’t resist.
Love.
Doesn’t that word make yer face crawl immediately? Don’t you wanna put the screen away immediately, jump off, and set back?
If so, chill, it makes you totally like most of the adult world.
Adults wanna believe they have this sort of thing figured out, or won’t want to think about it critically unless it’s shoved in their face, maybe because the subject is “sooooo high school” because, young people can find it novel and new, to have to treat a strong emotional affect with a rationale. So I know, it makes most people go “Oh gawd” and wanna roll eyes and turn away rather than obtaining new information. And that’s fine. But not me, today.
Watching this shrink on Dexter resonated with a lot and now I’m stewing on this model of love that’s making me think, thoughts . . . I’m sorry. I’m sorry!
I really don’t think my mom and dad were in love. At least not by when I was born. I think they were in a functionally dysfunctional relationship. And, that too me wasn’t terrible, just with nasty fights sometimes that were, draining.
In fact, today for the first time I realized that my old man never once used the word “love” in reference to himself. We know he loves his mother because of the lengths he’ll go for her. It’s obvious he loves his children because of what he does for us. (And unfortunately sometimes, to us, because, maybe by definition parents are psychological disturbances 90% of the time they are parenting.) But, I suspect, that my old man realized one day that it’d be practical to build a marriage with the materials he had, that it did, and that he never really got to learn how to express said lovey dovey feels (that I believe, anyone who’s not a psychopath can learn to feel and express towards another, provided that they’re not a dumb-dumb who inspires cynicism.)
And my old man’s a lil special in the head. I think his most valuable advice about love is something along the lines of “we’re all alone in the end.” (Fricken, nietzschie. You’ve affected my dad’s brain too hard.)
And, pretty much my mom’s just smart. Period.
So my view on love has to do with some combination of all the literature I’ve read, my disgust for hollywood’s view of the romantic love that makes a man some self-sacrificing Mr. Perfect who jumps through hoops (eff you hitch, eff you notebook. You’re both stupid and you contribute to lil girls growing stupider.) Then, strangely, my cynicism for romantic love is countered hard by an episode of Star Trek Voyager, when Neelax’s telepathic gf makes some passionate heartfelt speech about how love can hurt, but you have to take a risk cause when you find it, it’s the greatest thing in the yuniverse. I remember watching that when I was 12 or so when sex seemed like, heaven, pretty much, and being like “ha.”
I agree with all of the above, in a mix.
On top of this, Dexter. There’s a shrink in Dexter who makes it possible for dexter’s sis to completely rethink her feels within one episode. And the model of love used, interests me.
It’s pretty much that someone can fulfill all the compulsions that one’s learned to crave in their life. Instinctual arguments are made, and this makes room for stuff like a h00mon needs daddy’s approval, type of issues . . .
On top of this, all the world literature indicating that romantic love IS a culturally bound thing, with lots of similarities. Eastern cultures with the lowest rates of divorce don’t make divorce taboo, as much as fix children up with arranged marriages. This makes a world with interesting stories about intense love, AND, also makes an interesting database for stats. I remember being not surprised that the rates of satisfaction in a long-term companion were HIGHER in later life than our normalized “marry for love, figure it out later” b.s. that does end in a more-often-than-not divorce rate.
And Sir Lancelot.
(Oh yeah, guess I was a psych major too. But in the end, all that really did on this topic was give me some terminology and stats, and encourage me to think critically, because the experts clearly are clueless. Sorry Social Psychologists, but yer often the blind leading the blind. In a double blind study. With stats.)
So this’s my view, I guess. It’s shared with others, but, not many. My dad’s a fuckin weirdo in the end, but reasonably so, and, I kinda feel like me too. And maybe I will be disconnected in the end from my own feelings if I don’t feel them right.
I do think people are selfish beasts. I also think we’re mystical wonderlands of cerebral wonderful, I think our consciousness is an amazing cosmic phenomona, and at least as interesting as the stuff that made stars stars, but I also think we’re kinda dumb and capable of fooling ourselves because we’re programmed to respond to certain patterns with a mapped-out response, always. Isn’t that why we love certain songs the way and as much as we do?
So regarding bestial responses, I see best friends who suddenly become less friendly when they’re in warmer waters. I’ve seen games get played at work. As in twists and manipulations do occur. I’ve seen sweethearts just see to it that their relationship just . . . festers. I feel I’ve been in love a few times in my life now too. Am big enough to say it, and, I was a sillybutt for doing so. Because I do think I was in love with who the person was, but not who they would also be, and I think I stayed in love with an idea or impression of these people.
And I think those were mistakes which made it hurt. I mean, if someone’s close enough to your heart to make it ache, or worse, when they’re, doing things you think’s hurtful to your dynamic (being cheated on to the point of “yo I can tell something’s up” and then being proven right creates adult feelings, people.) It shouldn’t excuse crazy behavior, but it can make it reasonable to feel certain feels after.
But those times, prove that maybe I’m selfish, maybe kinda evil too. Maybe I should be like my old man, because this selfishness has to plug in to be great, otherwise, it’s merely selfish. And, it’s sad, but true that many people don’t learn love, and don’t need to learn a good love to do alright in life. By societal standards, and on paper. Really, I think in our world and our society, a person is as equally likely to kill another person and procreate, or be a psychopath and procreate and pass on their lizardality, as they are to learn how to realize and express their love towards another person in a way that’s awesome.
Romantically loving another to me right now is on the same plane as feeling passionately good about a song. And that’s not to say it’s a knee-jerk, omgerd, this music is obviously amazing and I will love it forever, cause I don’t believe in unconditional affection.
That stuff implies that you can truly know someone else, and, I’m not sure that’s the case. I think you can see aspects of another. And I know it takes a huge amount of energy to confirm said knowledges, or, you have to have trust.
What a weird thought: You’ve gotta know who you can trust to have a close relationship. Otherwise you’re maybe getting burned by something in the end.
A lot of people don’t know themselves, and rationalize all sorts of b.s. that you can’t even accept their surface level story. And more than people who’re feels that their loving dynamic with another hurts, I believe it’s more likely they’re being delusional and stubborn. And I believe in affection, as a reaction to the world.
That is to say, love IS an imaginary feel in your head that DOES let you feel good for contributing positively to nurturing something with another.
That’s why showing love, as my old man has taught me, is actually more important than saying it or profusing long-winded rants that may or may not be 1900 words according to yer wordpress count. . . .
It feels good. It’s like grooving to that song you love.
I’ll wrap this up: I think some people are searching for a compliment out there in the world. Not a flattering “Your lips are nice” compliment. I think people are searching for complimentary companions when they feel driven to seek love, and kind of filling a hole that that creates until that happens.
I like the hedonic salience model.
I think some have better luck than others about this, too.
And I think, this is where it gets tricky, damage, creates dangerous areas. The diasthesis.
And THIS is where that shrink on dexter changed the entire plot: by articulating why Deb could and should feel the way she feels. In one sesh, she said what Deb had a hard time realizing all along (much like my disjuncture psych sesh, ha) which in hollywood psych sesh, made Deb have a breakthrough. It wasn’t pretty, but it was interesting. And I think maybe it was interesting cause that’s possible:
That it’s amazing to figure out why you might feel the way you feel about someone.
It’s important to not just, consume others, like fast food. First off, disposable garbages goes somewhere, and there’s a lot of that with fast consumption. Secondly, maybe you feel loving feelings at someone for unpretty reasons. The biggest fingerpoint is maybe you lurv someone because they represent yer daddy issues, but that’s just a cliche. There’s other stuff like maybe you were seeking acceptance from someone with a certain feel about their lifestyle all your life and feel like you finally got that. Maybe a person makes you feel like, a kid, and no one’s ever let you while growing up.
Stuff like that.
I think the real point here, that it’s important and real real emotionally smart to take a step back and figure out why you might feel the way you do about a person. Ask yourself if you actually care for a person and the potential of who they’re likely to become, or if you care about them as an IDEA of a person, and how you feel about that idea, like a song.
Cause people ain’t music tracks, and a love of songs is often transient. Even if classic.
(Consuming music is a funny process . . . )
Cause we can all be built with doubt, and I’d like to find a human creature who’s self-contained to the point that they can’t be deprived of something in life until they have some. I’m sure they exist, but they’re also ubermen. This creates that diasthesis where, maybe you can become a song addict. Except you call it love.
Maybe then you should take a step back.
Because in another breath I think maybe my dad is right. You don’t know who someone is going to be their whole life, or their reasons for being the way they are around you.
Cause I dunno. If you die in your sleep, don’t you die alone? I think, there is that possibility where life is a dream, and we’re all dumb perceivers who’re being affected by the world we’re affecting through these senses. I’m just rambling here about the sense of love, and think I’m a lil less cynical in that, the idea of investing in another resonates with something.
I think in these cultures that arrange marriages, it means success if done right. Like a measure of life success. In lots of these cultures something is deemed wrong with you if you don’t marry and flourish right, so, the lesson to living learners is, work to your love, do it right, and when it’s received, that’ll make you feel good, and that’ll work. And then it does significantly more than 50% of the time, and partners report way more HAPPINESS AND SATISFACTION (and reciprocity) with each other than in america.
The other idea here, is acknowledging that some people aren’t what you expect them to be. Or they change. Or maybe they’ve been different all along. This is what I wonder now. The note of TMI, and full disclosure, and playing others, and getting played, and playing one’s self. The last one scares me with some people. I think maybe that scares me about myself! And all of this happens all the time, so I think that Star Trek voyager note comes into play too.
That cranberries song “You have my heart so don’t hurt me” – the first girl I ever loved quoted that to warn me to be responsible. (And that was wise because that made me think so and so I was, sorta. And she wasn’t, extremely. But, us being dumb adolescents isn’t what’s important.) But maybe we should be aware if we’re giving our hearts to people who’re selfish or damaged and gonna be like “WHAT DOOOOO *flails wildly*” once circumstances are a certain way
What is important is the idea, and the quote. Because I’ve felt it – loved ones – lovers, friends, family alike, can inspire you more than anything, even if you don’t realize it, lots of great actions have been taken simply to earn the right audience, or to express to the right audience, and love doing that. This is where the power of family can contribute such a fundamental power to a person’s ability to actualize and be the best they can be in life.
So, it’s weird. Yes, it’s a combination of a dysfunctional marriage, textbooks, Dexter, Star Trek, a bunch weird music and stories, but it’s what I’m coming to terms with. And one maybe shouldn’t use the L-word as justification or an excuse to be crazy, because it’s a feeling, and all creatures with anything more than a lizard brain has crazy feelings. I guess . . . imagine if you love a song, and can constantly hear it. If it starts to drive you in a bad direction, Americans get to question and throw away the source real fast. Which maybe should happen.
A specialness of being human is recognizing those feels and deciding if you’re going to be a wizard about them. As such, the only rules about the L-word that I’m aware of is that it works if you nurture it right (usually, intentionally.) And, even if you do, sometimes it doesn’t work, and in that case, you’re probably a delusional dumb dumb who’s turning into a toolbag in the presence of someone who doesn’t like the idea you represent to them.
I dunno if I’m more cynical or idealistic here. It’s kind of just a model that I believe right now. If you start to feel feels towards another, why? There’s probably a selfish reason, and, not to say that’s evil, just, does something selfish about it apply? If you wanna love someone over time, don’t you think you oughta question how they’re likely to be over time? Cause by definition, love is an investment. Life is limited by time, and energy too. It seems infinite while you have it, and no longer. Which is why feelings like jealousy have evolved as disturbing emotions over an entire species.
Eric is the Best 