Well. On one level, even enjoying some happy. Grandma and sis and life and options and stuff is kew.Can even make do and still make out like a bandit if I play my cards right.
On another level, and dont take this as emo, can still feel a little torn inside even while enjoying a great weekend with great people – and, maybe these torn feels aren’t the worst thing ever. Possibly even a good thing . . .. Felt like a source of my stupid holes, really.
Im handling it privately, and ill be fine, so read on, but only if you dare
So the sun came up in my room this morning over recently polished shelves. And, I know how stupid that sounds cause, who gives a shit that they’re recently polished – but that point is it feels extra nice after polishing them because they were scary before, and the only way things became nice was with the effort. Before i was looking passed them, honestly.
So the house is chilling out, and I’m appreciating “oh they’re nice,” and thinking how I can appreciate stuff again, yey, while at the same time my chest still feels a little heavy too. Then something caved in with the realization of and realized y’know, maybe I super deserve to feel a lil torn between tougher feels, more than angry after all. Torn isn’t just a natalie imbegulia song people. Sure torn as in ripped, but also split between multiple feels, theres a lil sad, a little mad, a little hope, and a little remorse, and now curiosity about my future (and curiosity > trepidation.) Also, I don’t think I’m the sort who feels torn about most decisions, while I do indulge anger a good bit. Herp derp – suppose that there is a fail reason for that. So like an eric i consider this:
Anger is nice and simple, one of those recourses that’s easy to take when you see a situation’s backed into a corner. And it’s really most just useful for killing enemy monkeys. (That’s probly why I never really disrespected victor when he preferred to feel sad over being mad, everytime he did. Cause my way is also kind of dumb if I can’t be humble enough to work in a little polish, yet still expect things to be super nice.) Like what, these shelves were proof – isn’t that a thing I might do? I left then stained for years….
Right then, sunrise, and like the stains, I ended up thinking I am the source of my life’s bullshit too, and that most of it is a reaction to me. I can trace it everywhere I’ve left anger into something close to home. I think the idea is that if it deserves to be close to home it deserves a lil more than just angry treatment.
Anyway, the last entry would have been wiser if anger wasnt just my apparent focus. I was feeling a little hurt from how i was weighed, and some things ive recognized, and trying to sort through and process negative feels that remained in hindsight on my own (other party involved had done more than their share, it was my issue) and anger was what stuck out the next day most to me. I was also getting upset that i was starting to feel embittering lessons while i was in this mental place, that really bugged. I did a 240 word entry that was 220 words longer than it needed to be afore i went to grandma, and that elaboration aggravated everyone involved. I underestimated how stingful mad would be to what this person did really worked for. I embittered others with ideas i was hating as i hated them.
Well, right now I just want to hold my hat and point out I don’t really intend that. And its better for everyone to let it be whatever it is and appreciate life. So thats whats up.
Still, on top of that it’s a tough truth to take, yet maybe a good one to appreciate getting to take: I also incite, or escalate, um, most of my life’s bullshit. Yep. And that anger is something i can share too easily, and maybe thats a cop-out too. And that super sucks cause i hate if I help inspire douchebaggery x900, or ice queenality, or whatever, and realized hey, shit, fuck, maybe I’ve contributed to more than i credit. And I never ever want to make excuses for being a douche or scumbag myself, and hey, maybe I’ve started to do that too and yeah. Dafuq.
Like this isn’t to say I’m completely the worst demon asshead ever just say . . . . just suppose I can avoid being ethically reckless douche in general, or scumbag ever. Im not to allow embittering inclinations help me rationalize being an icey douche in general. Ill be pissed.
I think life can be pretty great if you do your way neatly and right by the right folks when possible, and I can name a few examples of people like that. If anything, there’s a lot of good in seeing that.
I’m still lucky. I think there’s a lot of balls for doing right by others who’re worth it – not being a douche or scumquat especially when it’s easier to reason through feels that’ll actually make you a neg-cesspool. Guess I feel so cheesey about this idea that I actually start to envy Rajeev’s way about things, cause I get the impression from recent texts that he still knows this and maybe that in the end this makes him wiser than I.
Like I said life still can be pretty sunny and kew too, and I think everyone making the best of it is still the best. . . .
That’s really all I’ve got to say.
Happy Easter, everyone.