I’ve got a buddy who is worried they are dying on the inside every day, because they’re less fearful every day.  I’ve interpreted them as getting less passionate.

And we’re gonna ignore for a second, the fact that he’s a near-autistic satanist with social skills.  We’re not going to ignore that he’s got a drinking problem. He’s the type of guy who as soon as he’s around a bottle of liquor, he’s gonna get his lips around it until that bottle’s on empty. Then he gets blacked-out and starts playing “fight or fuck” with everyone.

I don’t think the last part’s funny. (I’m a fuck! My cousin’s a fight.)

I don’t think the satanism part is relevant.

I do think alcoholism scrunches up your brain and make it look more like a rat’s. I think smarter people smoke pot, more than get drunk. (I also think the smartest people are screwy when sober.)

But I mean that — look at images of an alcoholic’s brain on google, and compare it to a rats.  Tell me that looks like your good ole wide-forebrained simian counterpart. Go ahead, lie to yourself and tell me.  This is America, and that means you can if you wanna.

But I think it’s an oversimplification to say alcohol = less feeling.  (But I think it’s correct — that’s what alcohol does.)  It numbs you to certain brain inhibitions you’d normally experience. It allows you to feel latent feelings more strongly by not inhibiting them, but otherwise, it’s a poison.

I’ve been having to temper my own drinking lately because Jaidree like, brings home booze after work cause I’ll cook and that’s nice, and apparently I can drink like a fish, if that fish were very big, and had a lot of muscle tissue (did you know that muscle tissue = much more blood concentrates and plasma = much harder to reach a higher BAC? Now factor in height and practice and a still-healthy liver.)  I’ve noticed that my ability to give a shit and live in my own little world is definitely lessened during a hangover (which, I never used to get in the days where I barely drank) it’s lessened while I’m tipsy, it’s just generally lessened by alcohol. Clearly.

So back to the point. I’ve got an acquaintance who’s increasingly afraid he’s becoming more psychotic, less especially himself, because the concept of fear is becoming more and more elusive.  Again, I think he’s becoming less passionate. I think alcohol definitely tempers your passion. Makes you more uni-minded and unlatently emotional about your passions.

And I’ve got some distracting stories about having seen him drunk and acting like a major ass. Propositioning things that are dangerous and risky (and not thought out.)  Challenging fights which should not be challenged.

But those are still essentially drunk-ass antics, that distract from the point. I’ve got an acquaintance who is dying on the inside– some neuronal connections that made him excite, are getting less excitatory.

And I still think it’s an oversimplification to say you can blame ze booze.

There are reasons people drink. You have to learn to drink a lot, I think. You CAN learn temperance at an early age, I believe in that still, but subconsciously you also have to learn to binge, and I’m not sure that’s a thing people really teach themselves. I think the inhibited emotion bit comes into play there. I think we all have our reasons for drinking deeply, or we don’t. We focus on something better if we can. At least I think so.

I think one of the scariest parts of growing older is realizing, you may be less alive. You can fear, and fear your lack of fear, but I think the passion and excitement gets worn and wearied out. I think there’s a reason action movies and fiction appeals most to kids.

For me it’s not alcohol I’m worried about, but stupid contentious shit, compounded by the tranquility of giggling at stupid not-contentious shit has in conjunction. I’m saying if you go on facebook and see a bunch of people mad about the latest protests – which maybe, I dunno, maybe they should be, especially if one side did have permits (you stupid, stupid president fuck) – if you have issues with how your family manages itself and lack the sovereignty to correct it decently, if you have contentions from work and feel underappreciated and see that your life’s management is shit, and instead of trying to take control you drink a lot and do anything that makes you feel giggly, and feel those endogenous opiods release and go “shhhhh, it’s ok each breath does not bring you stress relaaaaax”

well I think that’s how you learn to let your forebrain die, and all the childhood fun and wee that goes with it.  I’ll bet dimes to dollars there’re a lot of dopaminergic and serotinergic connections within that sucker that’re well missed.

I’m saying, when they’re not exercised and drank and overthought into apoptosis, people remember those connections.  They miss them.  Then they lament the absence of their own youth.