Depression is depressing

I feel like a great friend might kill himself.

And I like to joke sometimes that I’ve only had two enemies in my life, and they’re both dead.

Cause it’s true. The first one was a bipolar racist asshole, I didn’t really realize we were enemies until a week before he died. The second wasn’t an enemy as much as a covert adversary who was also a thrill seeker who just drove his car into a tree. Alcohol may have been involved, but it’s hard to say – he always seemed to drive like that.

The first guy I understand well enough to know there were many things going on in his head and his life. I didn’t realize we had an adversarial relationship until it was so late, and he was doing some horrible things to some people I was a fan of at the time, mostly because I was picking up on stuff like alcoholic dad, ideology that’s . .. weird . . .and trying to figure out why those were his ideologies. And then I decided “fuck him! He should go die” and then he actually spent an entire afternoon trying to get access to Hunter school’s rooftop, and then flung himself off the 80 story building.

I’m not saying my impulse and his behavior were related.  I’m saying that’s fucked up.

Then dating a gal with constant migraine headaches, of a pretty amazing cause, taught me one thing:

In sum, I suck at dealing with people with depression. I wanna confront feelings which isn’t everybody’s way.  Especially not the depressed.

After this girl suffered pain for pretty much most of the day on a regular basis, left her job, and became a quarter-lifer with little confidence as to job marketability in today’s world, with a zany background of her own, she got hit with a severe bought of depression. She became withdrawn, she didn’t want to go outside, when she wasn’t playing world of warcraft she seemed like a completely different person, with little motivation, and little ability to express a passion for life that she didn’t feel.

And I sucked! It’s true. There’re a few reasons for it:

I was over-‘educated’ on psychology. Hey, I’m a smart psych major, but knowing about biological causes made me think I could fix things. “Oh, you just need” was an oft-mentioned attitude. I always believed that if you cover your healthy basics, you’re off to a good start. I believe doing better = a better start. And then, having your bases covered on every tier on maslow’s heiarchy of needs = well, why yoo sad?

But I couldn’t even make her feel safe from her own brain. So, hey if you get more sunshine you’re more easily able to produce serotonin . . .buuuuuut. . . . .

And from my own history, I’ve realized something weird about me:

I’m not immune to woes in life. I do handle them differently though, and I’m likely to get angry and hostile to unreasonable things which suck. I like to discuss and debate, that’s for sure. I consider myself a lil wiser for trying to construct arguments from smaller arguments rather than make impassioned big picture claims that overlook lots of crap, but when something’s unreasonable, I’m likely to stew, possibly isolate, or reach out to find superior value . . .REALLY persistently.

But that’s me. It’s just a way that I can be. I remember feeling saaaaad as hell, and at my rock bottom, I pet a cat, decided it was me and the cat against the world, and then I did stuff to build and build. It was pathetic, it was sad, but it’s also straight up honestly how I was and felt.

Eventually I proved myself wrong. Eventually I proved that it’s not me vs the world, but that I need to plug into the right niches, actualize my eccentricities to make them practical, AND work on my flaws, which are also very there to minimize plugging into the wrong things.

One of these flaws was trying to tell a depressed person how to not be depressed, rather than listening and offering helpful suggestions. Letting them know I AM available. TAKING MY AUDIENCE INTO ACCOUNT before shaping my words to them. Even the best of us get his by afflictions sometimes, and need what’s communicated to them to be more digestable. Even me . . . it takes energy . . . but if you actually care about your audience, wouldn’t you do that for them? Heck, if I can bother to spellcheck a manuscript, I can bother to consider my audience’s state of mind before disturbing it with my thoughts . . .

Two last notes:

Depressed people might lash out. Depressed people feel worse when you antagonize them for not seeing why they should get out of bed. Depressed people generally don’t respond to tough love very well (I think that’s when the first enemy killed himself – when his ex told him off . . . ) Depressed people have a shit-colored lens with which they see the world, and honestly, the best way to respond is with strength and positive regard, the strongest, warm fuzzy honest things you can offer – raw – and let them know that life is ok, and that they have virtues you dig them for.

Now, I’ve diagnosed one of my greatest friends with depression, and now he’s self diagnosed. And I’m not saying I’m a docta, I can just tell there’re sharp changes in his life where he’s making so many questionable decisions, there’s enough happening, there’re no positive responses to when he DOES reach out for what he wants, I started to wonder if he was genuinely getting depressed. And then he kind of confirmed it.

Last night was a really dramatic shift, from a discussion of him shitting on figs (The fruit, how they look) and me responding like I would to ANY normal good friend – with a lighthearted douchebaggy agreement – he proceeded to lash out real hard.

I made a mistake and lashed back. Not horribly, not too intensely, not maliciously, but to show hey buddy I didn’t realize we had expectations of perfection here . . .

Normally, this’d be all cool. But not lately, and I should have realized that. Not if I believe these feelings, that my buddy isn’t doing alright these days. There’s not a lot of insight in society that gives enough of a shit, to care enough, and get to know you enough to provide what’s best. I wanna be that guy.

So from a discussion of figs, he proceeded to try and friend-break-up with me or something. A lot of things are said in the moment, and I like to consider myself strong enough that I’ll get on by without anyone who’s a butt in my life, but, this was an address that needed to cool down.

So I said my piece, and then I said as nice and well meaning a thing as I honestly had to say, wished him the best, and cut the contact there so he can stew. I’m not sure if that’s what was best, and I’m concerned, but I am damn sure that that’s better than having an argument where we’re both critical of each other to the point where we both shit all over each others dignity.

(It’s funny, my main barb is that he’s despising his teenage self, and I think his teenage self was fucking awesome. I realized then I’m not talking to my best friend anymore. . . .and obviously the relationship ain;t the same – people do that after high school – but . . . .imagine hating yourself when it’s also real easy to see how you were a cool virtuous guy! Obviously your alignment has mutated, and, maybe I can’t relate to that so much . . . huge tragedy.)

Anyway, I took my shots. Some of his criticisms were valid, and what’s also interesting is – I’m aware of them. I wanna be the best guy I can be, so I consider why he said what he said and I don’t even fully disagree, and wanna better that. But this wasn’t a constructive conversation of how to be better/more likable, it was a shit on each other chat, and I cut that short after wishing the best.

Maybe that’s the best I can do. Fuck, at this stage in my life, maybe I’m not the most qualified person to inject good effective energy into other people’s lives, or at least not yet. But another thing about depressed people, they can bring you down. I don’t hold it against that girl who tough loved enemy #1 if that’s what she did. She might’ve said something cold in self-defense, and it’s not really her responsibility to coddle someone who’s teetering on the edge in such a way that they stay balance and stable. It’d just be NICE.

And I wanna be nice, but I don’t think I can do that. I do think the nicest thing I could do, is remove myself and provide space and good intentions until an opportunity to do better comes by. Which might not happen. I may very well be out this friend. I may very well receive the worst news possible about this guy (although it’s less than likely – and it’s far more likely he’ll turn into a wanderer until some adventure claims him)

But I dunno. Fak. I have to look at his recently most questionable decisions and think “fak, a spiral towards depression explains it all.” I think about levels of pride and ego, and how we fail to continue to hold ourselves accountable regarding what made us awesome in our youth (discovering new music, idealization, ACTUALLY EXPLORING PHILOSOPHIES TO LIVE BY, novelty) and think, fuck, we’re losing our magic. And some of us who do have these sensitivities, who aren’t psychopathic enough to pave a new path via steamroll, and are left to mold long enough in isolation . . .

fak . . .

I really wish my buddy the best. Even if he’s not my buddy these days, I think something is wrong with him and he’s growing less capable at growing anything but cynical. Things that were said from him lately . .. extremely cynical. I really wish he’d understand he’s got a spirit that DOES enrich the lives of pretty much everyone he influences (The smarter you are, the more you lurv him – fact) because personal value and esteem has got to be the greatest weapon against depression.

Finally, and I think my buddy is king on this one – but choice is choice. Depression is a condition, and thoughts are thoughts, many of which can’t be truly controlled or helped, but BEHAVIORS – that’s a choice. That is something I picked up from the psych degree. I am anti-Robbin Williams didn’t kill hisself depression did. Robin Williams totally killed himself. Heath Ledger too. The trick here, is making sure that the logical analysis consistently proves the dislogic between offing oneself. The next step, presuming the first is set in neuronal stone – is improve one’s own life. And finding the resources to do that.

Assholes like me may be douchebags, occasional, but we stand by for opportunities to be assets too. All the time.

And I feel it’s a lot like being a parent trying to arrange the dowry with the most promise when you feel you have one of the greatest daughters in the world.

(It’s a lil fakked up.)

But I sent myself just now an old draft of query letters to prep for the holidays, and got that rumble in my belly.

This isn’t even borne from a hatred of Kanye West.

It’s born from a love for this:

I work with people who’re smart and often ambitious.  That’s great. But this also leads to stuff getting under people’s skin.

And having a thing that’s got a fun beat and is pretty silly but also has a serious message of “honestly fuck it and enjoy the fact that you have the power to enjoy” is just . . .SAGISTIC ADVICE.  If you don’t like something do better, fix it, find better, and enjoy that you can enjoy good feels all the during!

Also! the track is just WAY better than the following:

So I think it’s funny if we’re in a culture of squawky, opinionated young people who love to hate on something cause it’s got the brand Taylor Swift on it, but thinks a song where you’re doing work if you shake your booty is ok. Shit like that is why anaconda exists.

And also, lol

Something about being untouchable

You know, I’ve always been a little demanding.

It’s true. I remember having my first “Maybe we can’t be friends” in third grade cause he was agreeing with other third graders who were talking shit. I remember thinking it’s one thing if the shit being talked about was legitimate, but I remember thinking that it was just childish insults, and being like “Brah! How yoo gonna, gonna, LOYALTY BRAH.” And of course I bitched to my old man during one of those car rides and he was all “You seem to have expectations that others won’t always have. In this case you have a higher than normal expectation for loyalty.”

And I’m not saying I was right or wrong because in this case, that’s not the point. The fact that I was nutty enough, and my buddy cared enough to pass a back and forth “ANDRE DO YOO STILL WANT TO BE FWIENDS CIRCLE YES OR NO.” and he was all “yes.” and I was all “SOGOODWTF”

I get caught up on, bothered, and bugged by matters of principal more than specific happenings or reasons for them. I care more about understanding a person is driven by short-sighted character motivations rather than identifying what they are. I care more about understanding a person’s prime motivations – and these are the principles. If I wasn’t careful I’d probably be one of those assholes who’d get red in the face and be all *SPUTSPUT**PRINCPLESLES*

And I have to think about this because often, people find themselves stepping on mine without even realizing it.  When I’m bothered by a principle that lead to an issue and people just wanna tell me to feel good I do generally suppress a knee-jerk “DONT PATRONIZE ME YOU STUPID FUCK” before calmly deciding that the person advising me is an idiot/doesn’t care about the principle and should be regarded with respect to that. And that’s not always true. It is the case that I’m capable of being hyperfocused on something small and petty, and have to weigh my battles, and whether or not it’s the time or place or appropriate moment for a disposition.

But I think about it, and I see this sort of conflict happen all the time.  Unless dying, I refuse to drink Fiji water out of principle. (That shit is flown across half the globe on diesel fuel so duane reade can charge you a patronizing premium on top of a premium so you can feel like you’re a superior consumer for drinking retarded water that’s actually bad for the planet and I’m not even an environmentalist. P.S. Fuck you.) And I like to share mine with others – I’m not enforcing it, but I support my own principles by being open about them and thinking maybe one or two others will adopt.  Here’s what I got in return today though:
“But Fiji water is the best!”

Opinion.  It can be an extension of principle, but it’s usually the package that something so unprincipled and unthinking comes in, isn’t it? Isn’t that the difference between my cat’s response and a human’s deeper response? We can deduce an opinion by reflecting on principals, while a cat’ll sheerly get subjective appraisal from it’s senses.  That’s why you can’t convince a cat to be a vegetarian by appealing with ideology.  “Oh, don’t eat that mouse when you can eat murder-free dry food.”  The cat doesn’t care. In the cat’s opinion, killing mice is just the way it should be.

So you know, I feel like a better human for realizing deeper reasons for things like, “Patronizing structures that’re actually undermining viable economic conditions” (dear broke people, stop buying 300 dollar shoes 15 dollar drinks) rather than “I don’t like air jordans.”  But that’s just me.

And then you get into that ethics vs morality thing. And religious principle? And again, there’s that famous story of the preacher who started to realize his friend was a sinner (principled argument) and cut him off. Then he realized his preacher was a sinner and cut him off. Then he realized his whole church was full of sin and cut them off. Then his wife.  And yes, he totally died as a lonely psychopathic fuck in the woods. And how many well principled people can we think of who’re having real problems of disconnect?

Nah, I think there need to be principles about principled. Meta-principles. And we need to agree with them. Basic human rights becomes a thing here. Basic decency. Basic cutesy. Basic reciprocity. These are basic because they guide all interaction that follows. They preclude more pervasive, nasty principles like “Oppress others with your beliefs.”

I think that’s the the game I need to always remind myself to wire right. Because here’s the pro of principle as I see:

If we start being cat-thinkers, we may as well be half drunk and half stoned all the time. And actually we live in a huge planet where maybe that’s groovy!  But the problems comes into play when we start bowing to undermining principle – that which’ll step on the right of things to stay reasonable.  When we start being self-obsessed beasts, we’re most manipulable and capable of doing horrible things.  All you have to do is threaten one’s well-being and boom, they’ll do anything because they have no residual principle to fall back on.  Face it! This’s what gave socrates the courage to famously drink poison.  The wrong principles is what’ve let horrible military regimes do wrong things. The right principles (or at least the most outstanding ones) are where my balls in life come from. This’s how I know confidence in what I say, and principle is how I can detach from any situation where I may have pride and ego get in the way. Principle is how I can humble my actions and see how maybe I’ve been wrong and can be listen. Principle is what BYPASSes that self-concerned bestial programming, and what makes me better as I get older.  The righter principles stand out harder.

So, with that said I have some weird-ass principles. Sure.  I have some special experiences that’ve shaped my beliefs in certain ways that . . . I’m just not cool with certain forms of patronization.  (That isn’t to say that you can’t be yourself, just don’t encourage me to feel good about principled failings.) But sometimes . . . I see a response to a principled argument that’s outright twisted opinion!

And.  .. yeah, I don’t think I’m wrong to lose respect for that person as a person.  I start to see that you should treat them more like a really smart animal if they can’t get the reasoning behind an argument and follow through.  This may even be a little embittering, but I think it’s correct. That’s what some really smart adults are proving to me anyway . . . it makes for less contention, and let’s you move onto bigger and better things faster. Namely, your principles.

So yeah. I know how silly it sounds. I know I can be made out to be a fool sometimes and shove my own foot in my mouth, but every time I have an eloquent thought, it’s really just something coming from a place of principle and that’s why it’s articulated that way. I know I should be careful, I know I shouldn’t expect everyone’s belief systems and ethos to match mine . . .but the way I see it, refining, revising, evaluating, and considering one’s principles is ALWAYS the #1 path towards personal evolution. And weighing others, seeing where they come from, that’s where this leads to a power.

The point of this entire rant is, don’t be a stupid fuck who squabbles opinion. Or oppresses with opinion. Or is just loud about your opinion any time you have a chance to make one, and have no qualms with how unthinking and arbitrary it is because you have the power to be loud.  (Don’t these gaggles recognize that they lead to gossip because their own thinking is uninteresting and unstimulating? The following is a great paraphrase for all discussions / solicitations for validating feedback of opinion:  “Squawk. Squawk.”)

Anyway, this entire diatribe is a weak-ass attempt to expose that that lack of principle = human shortcoming. Any time there is contention or conflict, consider taking a step back and recognizing the principle – the driving cognition that frames all following attitudes, thoughts, beliefs, ideas and phrases – and debate (see: not argue) that.  That’s a discussion worth having about anything, from fucking bubble gum, to war regimes, to cosmic stars.

Anything else may be discussion that’s falling short of a good conversation and talk.

~The Best

I might aggravate good thoughtful young people with my thoughtful aggravations.

But mine are the best and that’s why this page exists, so deal with it.

Till the day I die, I’ll get to know that I spent part of my 28th year of life living with and being pissed off by 18 year olds.

Grand 18 year olds.

Wonderful ones, really!

Who almost wholly pissed me off,

despite being great. All of them! (Cept one.)

Wonderful people who I’m sure none of whom will end up being a louse.

(Except one. But his mom will make sure he isn’t homeless so whatev)

I realized (way late) things younger people can make more evident than older people, and it’s a fallacy that’s coming out with a certain style of thinking.  And everyone’s guilty of it across all age groups – it’s just something the youth can make more evident than just about anyone else.

Picture this:

A bunch of folks are sitting in a room smoking a hookah, and one of them says “I think Godzilla is the most wonderful movie ever. The romantic interlude between the protagonist his female counterpart is the greatest love story ever depicted in film.”

If you disagree with this statement, it is self-evident as absurd. But if you try to understand this statement, you’ll probably at least try to put yourself in the speaker’s shoes.

Now if they’re the shoes of an old cool professor type, you might assume things that you don’t know, that they saw some godzilla that you haven’t seen that had a surprisingly good love story? Or that they’ve watched too many movies and it’s given them an interesting perspective.

But, if that speaker is a 14 year old kid, you just really can’t do that, and when you learn that they’re talking about the last godzilla that just came out on blue ray you might have to spew mental energy to go “hang on, hold yer horses. . . . have you seen every movie ever made?”

But that’s a waste of breath.

Obviously, that person didn’t.

Obviously, what you should garnish from their statement is that this movie has a surprisingly enjoyable love twist for them, and maybe you can dig that too. And that becomes reasonable, far less absurd than the haught taught to this person as an ideal way to go around presenting your enjoyment of movies.

And that’s a thing I’m worried about after sitting around and hearing how a buncha youths who’re more normal than me hang out, that this sort of haughtiness gets by more an more.
I can see it with man-children, too.

And when I bartended – something that’ll put you in the service of all sorts of man-children – I found that about a 3rd of the boys who were drinking, and who should’ve really been at home getting some epic video game experience on, is that they’ll work really hard to intellectualize about a beer. They sound like Sim characters more than people.  One will hold up their craft beer and go “HOOBA HOOBA, HOOBA HUA.” and the Beta males might go “ooba. Ooaahh . . . ”  And the first will have a sip and go, “. . .Hoobaaa! Hooba haa. Hooba hooba ha! :-)”

Because, the topic isn’t really beer. It’s who knows important enough shit to make important mouth sounds about beer.

I am ranting all this because, there is a style of thinking that goes with making these mouth sounds.

You can bluster and mew about . . . anything, even the greatest godzilla movie, but you shoot your credibility in the foot as soon as you try to oversell it.

And in line with that, PEOPLE, not just the youth (but we’ve got to be especially careful to train youth to do the opposite when encountering this for reasons I’ll maybe babble bout) – some people try to oversell their credibility to make these HOOBA HUAAAA 🙂 mouth sounds in anything.

It leaves no room to say the phrase “I don’t know” which is actually rather marvelous – because, it’s marveling that you haven’t learned something yet.

It doesn’t leave room for someone to BE the smart one to say “let me find that out tho” and use something like . . . a magical smartphone to access the vast wealth of human knowledge.

And the more “Hooba HUaaaaa!” you add to the room, the more you exponentially squelch that slow and deliberate approach to finding something out after a marveled “hm I don’t know.”

The blustering Hooba huaaa:-) leads to competitions to who can say the most ignorant thing the fastest and most assertively, and who can argue and defume that.  And I think it takes a lot of time to stop your thinking to point out stuff like “Defume isn’t a word man.”  I mean, during this, you can think of nothing else, which makes it a form of thought control to force someone to engage your babble and drivel.

^I mean at least with this shit, at least you can leave at any time.

(Knowing tho that ericisthebest.  Because that’s the site’s name.)

Anyway, this entry started off with a cheesing of the youth.  And what I really wanted to point out is that this tendency to HOOBA HUAAAAA 🙂 is more distinctive, and uglier on the youth because

1) The youth has the greatest capacity to learn. They can watch and breath more . . ..languagemoviesmusicidealsnumbersletterssymbols than anyone else. So when they’re wasting their breath and time stopping to announce what is “the greatest” anything it’s like, whoa, it’s more obvious that said young person would rather contain their self in a lil thought-box more than expand on it.

2) What limited context you have! It’s easy to assume a young person hasn’t watched a whole lotta movies or drank a whole lotta beers in our above examples. Maybe that’s why their conjecture comes across as more desperate.

But I’ll also end with pointing out : tired, old people do the same. They just do it more profoundly, and possibly less obviously if you treat the blusterer with authority. Cause especially when it comes to racial, ageist, or even many cultural arguments, that sort of preclusive thinking of “oh of course, hooba huaa! can kick in.” People who have to narrate absolute context instead of have that peaceful, slow, deliberate, painstaking, observational roundabout style, or at least who can engage that, they come in all shapes and sizes.

And today I just want to not be reminded of youth who might not do this extra hard. I feel like it’s rarer and rarer to meet a “hmm, let’s figure this out” person who’s slow and deliberate and under 35. Instead people want to activate sense words like “See” and “listen” and then dictate (limit) what you take in. Junk like elitedaily and thoughtcataglog expose this plainly, and that’s written by kids.

(Fookin thoughtful kids. More or less.)

Meanwhile, it’s a super power to appreciate what you don’t know and figure out how to know. And that’s made more beastly with smart phones and web access.

The real trick still comes about when using that power wisely and learning when to present that you know what you’re talking about, and that you know how to know what you’re talking about.

#Rambleoff

~The Best

titties

This page is just a placeholder. I have to organize this site to make it better than the current best. But I’ll also be adding lots of drivel and crap whenever I feel like it, cause as the best I get to decide that, and not you.