Walp,

Life goes on.  I’m giving myself permission to be lazy for a couple of hours. My messenger is implying very dramatic things in text tho that’s making me wanna bleed psychology.  Or speculate as to people whispering bad advice. Or something? That’s the nature of speculation tho – I don’t know.

I do still wish I wasn’t pressed as a spoiled ass. Being spoiled isn’t really what drives my expectations or any sense of entitlement . . . .

(And one thing I’ll point out though is my self esteem is a lil higher than to just bitch into that.  All I know is what I’m receiving in response isn’t right feeling, and just weird from someone you regard with friendship. Or as a buddy.)

Anyway,

Oh . . . .white space.

You whitey, whitey, white space.

Or just like, be harmfully cray at selfish times via text messaging as a limited media of communication! That’s an option too!

/Takes a break to watch some dexter and play hearthstone

I used to never care if my phone was next to me and the world was different then . . .

Don’t be dramatic.  Just be cool! Bonus points if you have the humility and drive to do better, but that’s not a normal human trait.

The first two tho, especially: Izzat so hard?

Hope not.

*reads shake it off entry.*

ok my other entry was a phoned in, negative, rawrawr man im pissed. And disturbed a lil, but, that happens.

Its a brick of negative. And, thats done. Shatted.

You know what else? I forgot about the shake it off entry.

Its a shame, and shit hapoens, but now i said what i have to say. Shake it off time.  I mean the philosophy shouldnt be to be so disregarding, so no need to abuse it, but after youve regarded something and identified its a thing….possibly with bad muju, or at least a lil haterade, then its time to regard a cliche as LIVING WISDOM.

So im gonna clean my house, and i have zome great plans this weekend.

Phills moving day, and party. Jaidree thesis dranks. Jackiw Whacky BeerCheese.  I should be content.

Also went an entire week without drinking btw – (maybe thats why ive been feeling sharp and intense) and got good work done. Not like that’s a big deal, just saying, I don’t seem to be craving booze (which I was for a weekend, and kinda worried meh) So . . . .keep that on mang!   Today can totally be recreational im done getting down i think. Right now it even feels like it, and im not even listening to shake it off.

Omg.

Magic.

Joe’s a good movie.

Much darker than I thought it’d end on.  Liked the woods.

Kinda sad.

Feel dumb.

And mad.

Too bad.

You know the only time, big white screen, that I feel you mock me is when you are empty and I want to rip my heart out and gush out some feels but feel this expectant, negative energy and judgement from a potential reader.  When my respect flips a switch and says “Just shtahp.”

I really wish I could point out and still revel in this huge surge of productive energy I got yesterday (8 hours of combined editing and resume rewriting – both aren’t related.)  Apparently my urge to do that was poorly channeled. And my urges to adjust for that was poorly done (never make decisions before 8am, eric, even if they affect your normal first-in-the-day decisions.)

But take that, big white screen.

I could give you more. I wonder why I want to attack you so much big screen!  Fill you with words. . . . is this a good thing? I mean, maybe the words are kinda violent eh? When you won’t restrain em with rules, just relentlessly use them till you feel your target is dead (that people, is the proposed B.N.S. distinction of violence vs aggression that I’ve been taught.)

Which means, I guess one of the things I’m doing this year is occasionally withholding from that kinda urge. Remember, be more positive. (Which doesn’t mean be a sap or sucker, tho.)

So, I dunno.  When is violence ok? Really?  Counter violence?

And I DONT MEAN THAT AS A DUMB QUESTION — I’m really asking, when’s it ok to throw the rules out the window and just relentlessly unleash complete closure and domination?

Hmmm

I’m sure there’s an answer in this, white page. I could dig for one, but, let’s leave it more rhetorical.  The point right now is not to suck.  (Remember, the name of this site.)

And, considering some feels (SMAAAD) I did behave pretty awesome today (totally envisioned throwing myself in front of a train . . .true story . . . that was new. But on the plus side it also seemed SUPER unpleasant to be dragged [drug] into bits and pieces.)

I’m trying to unravel opportunity upon opportunity, and don’t get to give up on that, cause yesterday I was so pepped about my ability to uncover and work ’em. I wish I had more assets of a different shape while doing ’em, – could even point and go “but —–!”

but y’know, it is what it is.

(And I know only allowing in smad energy that is poor to act in = reveling in an excuse. To not do better. When you can. I guess it’s a shame that life can’t always feel like a house party, and that highs sometimes imply the possibility of lows, but who gives a fak.)

I was watching dexter today and he said this phrase “psychopaths don’t feel psychic pain, but can feel physical pain.”

and that makes me wanna talk about psychic pain

but, that’s dumb to have smart pointifications to make on it, so I won’t.

(Psychic pain really is kind of a cool concept tho.)

^This

/RantWarning

I think I might be a lil narcissistic!

And it’s funky because, if I take those “are yoo a narcissist” tests, I score very low – to the point of opposite of a narcy narc. (I swear I don’t try to change my answers.)

Still, after seeing weird things I get caught and hung up on (to the point that I can function a LOT less if I let myself – this would imply dysfunction which’d define disorderly psychology.)  After thinking I’m genuinely related to some people who’re pretty special in the head (I think if there’s a genetic basis to narc, I’ve got one) and trying to learn a lot from a dummy,

well,

I’ve just got a lot of data to analyze.  It’s like having access to webmd and trying to figure out if you have cancer, I guess.  Conclusion: I have organs, so I probly have cancer.

Saving graces have been that I’m usually very good at figuring out peoples moods motives and thoughts, comparatively.  (Totally something a narc wouldn’t comfortably assert.)   Saving graces have been that I’m usually really loyal and go above and beyond to help someone I think deserves it. Saving graces have been that I get really sensitive to things like, homeless people who seem . . .extremely disadvantaged. Makes me hurt.  Makes me wanna give a dollar so I feel better.  (I’m also not saying that’s a noble thing.)

But evidence to the contrary involves . . .the above.  Look at the amount of I.  I’m nothing whenever I’m not comfortable with the truths within my ego. Look at how interesting I think my thoughts are.  And just because I have a face that knows they are (check website name) it’s . . .a lil narcy.

The neurosis of being concerned if you’re narcissistic (which isn’t very narcissistic, but certainly some kinda neurotic) attacks a few things that are important to a grown person.  First to mind come self esteem and self containment.

Self esteem in that you realize maybe you should be more humble to not suck at life.  To realize faults and flaws you should work them instead of bringing them into spin zone.

Self containment in that you get anxy and want to prove you’re good to people by being good to people . . .which involves people. (and let’s be honest, lots of great things get done without moar people around.)

I hate egomaniacs. Maybe it’s cause I could easily be one and they resonate with the faults I’d hate to see myself get consumed by. Maybe it’s cause I’ve met a few and it’s sensitized me with red flags and alarms at certainly personality traits.  So I don’t wanna be one.

But the bottom line is whatcha gonna do with an inherent nature?  This is my silliness.  I hate social networking in that my approach is probly a lil different. It’s how I’m driven to take things.  Sites like these are spawns of that extra egotistical energy, and y’know, I like that these can be really constructive offshoots, but I also hate that this can be deconstructive, unhelpful bull.

This year I’m trying much harder to add positive influences into social systems.   I wanna never worry about “am I talking shit” to infinity (and that’s easier to do cause I don’t have people around goofing things up as much! Life’s still imperfect, but there’re fewer excuses to embrace, so I just have that much less of an excuse.)  I don’t wanna SUCK the good energy out of people’s focuses.  I wanna send my fucking query letters (which I got redone today, and don’t know why I’m typing here instead of sending.)

Well

the trigger to this rant is I did that thing again today where I was thinking too much about a person’s insult and did a cost-benefit analysis

and realized my life would be better without this suck

(and honestly not like the person sucks.  Actually, in many ways, I suck. I just couldn’t deal with some of the bullshit they brought naively, because I just wasn’t mature enough.)

But look,

I had a friend who to me proved to be kind of a douche, and I just couldn’t take in their douche, in addition to all the other douche that’s in my life, and actually cut ’em out. I think it’s self explanatory to point out the benefits of cutting out someone who has a douchey affect on your existence and communication style.  So I did.

But I did it again and,

in the end, maybe I shouldn’t expend people.  I say this because every older aged narc I know dies confused, unsure, anxious, less accomplished, and alone.  I expect that before they die, have a focus of something they wish worked better.  And meanwhile, I want to imagine and wonder about saints of spirits who ENJOY what they’ve done with their day, every day, and while they might be a lil sad at life’s end (because that’s a limit) I like to imagine that they can be pleased with what was a very succesful human existence.

So maybe in the end I need to accept that some people are flawed, and not go cross-eyed at a real offense as much as silently weigh ’em out, and pursue the better positive energies in life.  I know that’s true actually.

My goal here is going to be to make said positive energies available for the douchetasm in question.  But I also really wanna distance myself from the situation.  That does mean taking into myself more. I just really ought to not be an asshole ’bout it.

I really HATE the idea that there’re probably people out there who are bound to mood swings where they wanna attack . . . something.  That no matter how far they make it in life they’ll wanna find dissatisfaction and attack something.   I get a little anxiety over the idea that man . . . I get triggered and annoyed about a couple things.   I know that these people who’re susceptible to life-suck, no matter how well they’re doing in life (and can’t contribute enough to forge real, decent, viable relationships) SHOULD be responsible enough for weighing their possible flaws into any circumstance and weighing if they really do kind of add strong elements of suck like a douchetasm.

So I guess and think I should do the same!