Quick sum of the idea I keep playing with lately:

It’s not that anger makes people dumb.  In fact if you support a stoic way of thinking – anger’s got a hell of an important function, and sometimes it can even help us make the “right” decision.

The thing is that anger, mad, and most of it’s variants makes us shrewd.  Politicians use it in rhetoric all the time to rile people up and create that in-group out-group polarity, and brand themselves as the leader on your side.   Anger makes you tunnel in on that which needs to be fixed, destroyed, corrected, etc.   It’s usually destructive – although sometimes we get angry at destructive/non-constructive tendencies, so that paradigm’s irrelevant.  I don’t care that anger’s usually destructive.

What I care about is how it channels and lasers people.  Anger takes those emotional circuits of our minds and makes us unable to do anything but think about a topic in a certain way, and it programs us to induce reasoning more than deduce the actual reasons for a situations.  These are necessary sometimes because, we don’t always pay attention to the best of things – this’s like a hard-wired safe-guard from nature that makes us SURE to focus on what’s important to our apparent survival.

But maybe there’s a better option.  If you’re truly evolved, you’re probably emotionally attuned to everything and perfectly adapted, OR, you’re able to reason through most of your life.  I could see it either, way, less important.  What’s key, and what’s pulling the trigger on this whole thinking is the realization that we CAN decide not to get angry.  I’ve been doing this lately with GREAT results.  I still get things fixed, and the issue is much better handled. Which made me go “dur hur I wonder WHY a human would evolve to be able to turn off their emotions when they could say fuggit and give in to easily getting fired up – like there’s evolution in being able to inhibit that excitatory emotional response like no other.   And I appreciate that added layer of complexity – it’d be easier for nature to wire a man to fly off the handle or just not have to.  Obviously, the choice is a specific feature.

(No I don’t think we always have the choice.  I just think we do more often than we think – we have the choice to get fired up about half the crap on social media, politics, what was said, what we think was said, devaluing others against ideals – these are often CHOICES we subconsciously make.)

And what I’ve realized is, when you get mad or angry at something, you do kind of elevate it’s significance.  You say, “My existence incorporates you to the point where you’re an obstructive issue which must be corrected.”   It’s not that you should be above anger, it’s not like your world should be bigger than items which aren’t ideal – that’s fuckin crazy – but it’s that when you CHOOSE to get fired up, you choose to give your existence and laser in on it.

I have some anecdotes I won’t get into of some pretty naughty kids.  The thing is, the key word in that sentence is kids.  I could even say fuckin’ kids – and you’d tell by my tone that the operative word is kids.   My life doesn’t involve kids, not right now.   And that there, is why I’m more disdaining than angry at the memory involved with this anecdote.

The point is, this’s a great reason why not to choose to get angry at cruz or trump (or insert politician of your anti-choice here.)  The man specializes in incediary campaigns and manipulative rhetoric – if you were to attack them, you make the premise of your attack your talking points.  And what sucks about that is you won’t get other talking points.  You won’t get peace of mind.  You’ll become shrewd and shortsighted.  You’re much easier to manipulate, trick, or explode into decisions you don’t want to make.   Again, it’s not that anger is a bad thing, it’s that you have to be choice about approaching things which resonate with things that make you mad.

I spent a day writing comedy this month, all I’ll say is, I don’t see how Jon Stewart can look into that which pisses him off and still find the humor in things.  For that, he’s a fuckin’ champ, and either a laser-savant, or some sorta super duper smartass.

I obviously think the later.

(Crap I meant this to be a much quicker sum.  Back to it I go.)

And intend to get back in the habit of doing this every day.  (I usually troll the web and slack off for a couple hours, but think waking up and going is what the best professional does in anything.)

And I’m rekindling why I like this book so much, would like to summarize a vein to its heart

“And as he calmed, his rationalize side remembered pleasure in seeing what Amir did after dashing ahead like that. It was proof positive that Amir agreed the other MITs were ridiculous, and that he was the sort who’d go against odds for that belief.

That people who’d actually fight for something besides their self existed.“

http://blog.meshbetter.com/options-are-good-until-theyre-not-how-to-stay-on-top/

And it’s good!  Can do a full spin and stay surrounded by my own things.  It’s a lil busy that puts a stop to things I’d normally like to focus on – painting, printing keys, fixing fixing.  Also, le return of the gas stove.

I CAN PAINT MY HOME WITHOUT LADDERS

Let’s see how wuh happon if aye dishapwine

Freelancing – hell yeah. And I’m realizing silly small superquirk blog outlets like this are great in some ways, but a lot of the individual expressions of opinion are simply that and nothing more.  One example I’m looking forward to – little payment to write for another site and its getting published at the end of Jan. I found that doing research then writing in an effort to avoid mansplaining is super calming. I think overconfidence and the urge to shape a positive opinion from others shouldn’t be confused with actually having something new to say.  That’s one of my criticisms for this blog in the last year – there’s less spewing of found and looked into curiosities in these thoughts than the crap anyone with brain cells can do. For a bit.

Long story short, freelancing, hunting, working for other people’s tasks that are also in line with my goals – new work model I’m finding it much more satisfying than finance. (Hellllll yeah to that! I’m not waking up resenting duties and wondering if things are being played fair. And considering how much freedom I actually did experience at the last work environment – kind of surprised.)

Anyway, I can tell this entry’s running into that theme to drive with the gears nature built in ya again.  So I’ll sum it up as 2016 is going to be interesting.  I has deadlines.  Also, moving next week, but I feel like that’s a smaller fry?  (Feel like my center of existence has always been more “ok I’m warm and fed let’s get behind a pc” based more than roof-based, so at this point I kind of feel like that’s a bit more whatever.)

On a NY note – experiences of 2015 carry so much ammo for reflection.  And, Imma reflect even more I’m sure.  But maybe horizontally.  It’s been a heck of a year, and I’m now even getting old. (I’m no longer part of the forefront generation, and it’s sticking out in a few ways. ) In the end, I think this “RATTAT” of the keyboard marks time less at this point than the ticks of the pc’s clock. As well as what I do. Yadda ya.

Anyway, happy new year!  (Sis is right, not sure there’s a reason to put an S on the New Year)

Here’s hoping all h00m0n’s are doing what they think they oughta to be ideal, and reap from it what they also oughta to make that gaddamn ideal ideal

No filter-mode + lotsa caffeine = take the points I’m dancing round with a grain of salt – or coffeh. This started out with me drinking too much coffee and being asked what I think are the correct more important decisions to make in a life (WHY DO PEOPLE WANT MY TWO CENTS, I’M A WEIRDO TAKING A QUESTIONABLE PATH.)

Anyway, it’s been a while since I remembered my ninja hippo, and 3am me liked the giggly.

Me:

Well I’m not gonna pull a well intentioned Aunt and just try to convince you to become a math teacher regardless of whether or not you like math cause that’s what my mind’s fixed on

Imma tell you to figure your shit out. That narcissism that’s in you and been beaten down by your more narcy old man who thinks he’s some awesome patriarch?

Wake it up. It actually leads to ambition

Then, start telling yourself how great you are. That’ll charge your ego

that ego will be the ammunition in your ambition cannon. Your narcassism will tell it where to fire

you let it tell you where it wants to aim

you do so, if you want, you find opportunities to yell KAMEYAMEYAAaAH to make the journey more enjoyable

have sex on the way

enjoy yourself

take note of haters. These are people who wish you were more pathetic, because they feel pathetic sometimes, and it might make them feel a lil inferior that you proudly don’t seem to feel pathetic in the same ways they do.

Cuz:

so basically be more like my High School self

Me:

Listen to how they shittalk you in their shitty book reviews. Laugh, and remember that the story is called “snarf the buttpirate” and ask why so srs

Sure

that

and then your spirit animal will meet with you

he will say “fire the cannon with me, with mee!”

and, you will have doubt odin

Cuz

my spirit animal is a vulture

Me:

there will be that internalized voice

it will keep you up occasionally

it’s the demon voice that tells you why you shouldn’t esteem yourself. Why you aren’t worthy, and how much of a PRIVILEGE it’d be for you to just follow other people’s orders and scrape on by

but don’t just listen to it

On the possibility that you can do better

One the real chance one day, your spirit vulture will descend from the cliffs

sying “AHHH

I SEE YOU HAVE CHARGED YOUR CANNON

AND AIMED IT

IT IS TIME TO FIGHT THE DEMON”

and the demon will appear

like the devil in a jack black song

YOU CANT DO IT ODIN the demon will say

NAH HA HA

(it may even dance at you, depending on its power level, and if it’s over 9000)

but that’s what your spirit animal is for

the spirit animal knows you

ITS BEEN IN YOU THE WHOLE TIME ODIN

Let it guide you.

let it fly about the demon, show you what the winds are like at greater depths. let it light the demon with its mighty scree

“CAWWWWWWWW”

and then, shoot that fucking demon in the face with your ego narc cannon cuz

Cuz

so before I can find a direction in life I first need to empower my spirit animal and then defeat the demon?

Me:

right in the fucking face

cause vultures need carrion

and your spirit animal is hungry

Your spirit animal is tired of being weak cuz

And once you feed it, he’ll show you where to soar

you can ride him higher and harder than harry potter rides the gryphon

the rest will follow.

That’s my advice.

Cuz

I will need some coffee

I will think about this

I like my life because I like my brain.  It’s not the best on Earth at anything on Earth except telling the stories it does, but I wouldn’t have another way. I’m also not starving and able to be a pretty fat animal if I want.  Most of my life, that was a solid measure of stability and success.

And, being older and in different circumstances means different perspectives.  Interactions, being serious, having goals – leads to lil dramas and trials.  In idea, I like these too.  And family, and people, leads to shifts in perspective.  (Small example: I realized I grew up with the word “soul” in place of a personal indulgence, and only recently became aware that there’re people who’ve been raised to consider the same thing “selfish”.)

And blah blah.  Time, passes.

I assure myself life is great cause it is and there’s so much good going with good people. Heck, super lucky I am.

But I’ve always recognized and found it fascinating that you can be succesful, with the greatest lover, and still feel depressed, and then feel depressed about feeling depressed when there are so many others who feel better with so much less.

(Cyrre Cyrre in the Cyrre.)

Cause for me, the truth is give me the greatest friends, sweetheart, income, and life still ain’t always bubbly. And who’s is, until they’re on their way?  Like it’s true that sometimes when alone I’ll wake up mad because the world has disappointments.  But it’s cause I’m not focused – I realize, it’s likely I’m prioritizing things that I should know better than prioritizing.

And getting focused isn’t a matter of “just get focused” like it’s that easy, as much as the task to do which must be done.  I know part of why I still have edits on Disjuncture to do was I wasn’t hard enough on myself AND ALSO didn’t say no enough.   Look, when you’re the best and try your best to live and be a soulful person, you’ll accumulate people you confuse who’ll try to make sense of you through their own lens, even when their own shrewd lens definitely shouldn’t apply.  Or at least not on a cat with eccentric enthusiasms.

I think nowadays it can be a real battle to take the time to do something you know you have to, no matter how much “free time” you have.  You need to be able to act on that drive, too.  Again, if you know what to do, and realize someone’s becoming an unjustified excuse, well maybe, fuck’em. Cause what, looking for a support network to do a goal?  Fuck that.  It’s too easy for our world to say “fuck yoo” so, advocate for yourself.  Get your own back.  Depend on yourself.

I feel like that’s the wisest thing I’ll ever know, cause sometimes people grew up in a way that makes ’em, not wholly good for another’s well being.  This doesn’t make ’em bad people – as much as naturally, people.  These not-good folks may even be few, but if you respect them, and they don’t respect their actual impact, they can selfishly be a shitty person without realizing.  Heck, amongst all my thoughts-to-say, it’s fact that I’ve done imperfect things and had to learn to be more sensitive and better myself. But that is part of the human experience, and part of individual life – evaluating what to do with whatever degree of sensitivities you have to these properties.  I have the new belief that American culture fosters that, a lot more than people with critical thinking who’re actually nice. (My mom’s one of those great untradable mothers who I think managed to shelter me from this by actually being a kickass person which made me think most people will figure out their own ways too, but not everyone creates life above their immediate challenges. It’s not fair to expect that, or assume the power to communicate towards that.)

So if you wanna be a nice person who thinks critically and creates products with these thoughts, well, you’ve got a challenge and you NEED to weigh what you’ll use your critical sensibilities for and what you’ll work on.

Guess that’s pretty much the end of my personal reminder and rant.  Sure, I might sometimes wake up mad but I think that’s a sign that I haven’t risen into my own way, more “Be mad.”  Cause when mad, well the temptation to find small distracting amusements – say waste time on facebook, or polarize myself on how I already see things, well those less awesome uses of time become more real.  As we get older, it’s easier to live in the past, as we get wiser it’s easier to look for disappointments that fuel vitriol but you know what?

That’s not actualized life.

I am impressed that there are really people who are hoping against what I’m trying to do.  I am impressed that my old man is out of touch and as negative as he is.  I am impressed at the people who grew up under conditions that make them think I’m spoiled (but I think they don’t know me, and again, that self-lense thing . . ) Heck, I’m really impressed at how capable of emotional battery the most battered of people – even noble ones – can be when being shrewd and arrogant with little regard for longer consequences. I’m impressed at how easy it is to talk about Donald Trump with most any American vs how easy it is to talk about science or awesome recreation.

But that’s just a little observational bitching.  It’s not the bottom line or end all. All one has to do is decide it’s not.

Part of growing a little cynical is losing illusions that people wanna be nice and loyal as much as self-benefiting. It’s easy to be an idealizing young person, but eventually there’s time for some cynicism to have a healthy impact on that sheltered soul.   In nyc at least, other people’s versions of soulfulness are generally not universal, and you shouldn’t hold a person who’s soulful – indulgant to the self – but negligent about what’s actually best for you or you’ll lose self respect in the process. That’s not all bad, and the idea’s not that embittering.

But that self respect part . . .  Being too compliant with the above sorts is a danger, and more so in an oversaturated world where we’re use social media to the extent we do.

Yet knowing what you wanna do when you wake up.  Being willing to work towards it.  Being able to tell everyone who’d tell you otherwise to fak the fak off cause you can feed yourself and be awesome without ’em, it’s necessary when you wanna do certain things greatly.  More necessary than just having folks who support you, that’s gotta come from within.

Yep, that’s a rant, but also shit I’ve learned from actually working and marathoning. It’s something I’ve had to realize this year – I can wake up pissy, but then I could get to work.  And then I can feel calm and pride, because i’ve earned it.

And then in that working mind (instead of agitated or confused) the folks who have expectations and desires about me their way only seems like a saddening alternative in comparison.

I’m one of those sorts who’s gonna do weird things till the day I die. I love that, and my folks super do too. If you get this far in my rant, I hope you’ll do the same. Real soul is a gift, not a vice. And sharing its enjoyment is a phenomena – it shouldn’t be a vulnerability.

Iunno man, sometimes I think Nancy Sinatra beats her old man Frankie in everything except confidence