I want to try to take a shot at teasing this out cogently, and let’s see how hard I miss:

The scientist I worked for was brilliant in that, if he said a thing, it was to crush something, or find out how crush something. Seemed like his whole personality. He could do it at any level and seemed to do it with the same distaste at every opportunity. Spirits, bad theories, the time schedules of undergrads, raised head of imperfect colleagues — the man was a crusher. Dr. Crusher, they should’ve called him. I don’t think he really enjoyed it all in the end too.

And I took some of his classes (after he singled me out in a lab huddle and went “Why aren’t you enrolled in my classes, Eric.”) where he also proved he was a brilliant teacher; for it was his job to teach and your job to listen and learn.

He said a thing that today me would actually accuse of being not scientific, but still scientific enough to be worth his teaching:

“Animals don’t think about why they’re doing things. They do it because it feels better than not doing it, or because an instinct or reflex made them.” That’s a paraphrase, but he went on to deride all those ninnies out their who think their cute fluffy kitten loves them and wants what’s best for them, vs meowing because that shit gets food and food feels good.

(The man was also a dedicated cat owner.)

And I think he positioned the behaviorist point of view not as a point of view or framework, but as certain truth. But that’s really a belief. It’s a theory, and it’s not a hypothesis because how are you going to test for that. Essentially, does my ghost pepper have conscientiousness? My guppy? How about my cat? Me?

And I don’t want to lose the plot, because I can see why this man would need to hold belief as certainty on this one. That lab had its animal research, and it was a viable viewpoint. But screw this I’ve seen my cat demonstrate a theory of mind enough, and I also think there’s plenty of evidence to say that the quality of sapience is not a human superpower. I don’t think mosquitoes or your mom necessarily has it — but it’s definitely not limited just to people.

Now an amazing thing is, animals that communicate have to hold it in their head what they want to communicate, and get it into the other head. For that to happen, they have to have the express idea that an idea exists in their head and not the other, and that they want to get it there. Then a beautious thing is, they need to figure out how to codify that idea and make it so your brain can gnom gnom.

That implies something special: the ability to think simultaneously as a container with an idea, and as the container without that idea. Not simple subtraction.

Without going into why sophisticated chatbots are intimidating, this is exactly why sophisticated chatbots are intimidating.

And I also think this is why people who can actually have deep engagements and deep conversations resonate with an intelligence that doesn’t need to be charted or measured. Their container can certainly hold and perform a lot. Being able to talk to people implies a capable commonhood. It’s one reason finding the same shit funny can be like magic.

There’s one more place I want to take this — no one thinks humans ARE these perfectly intentional souls, right? That people are NPCs? Good. Because coexisting within and around that animal coding barely, might be the healthiest way to think about it. That’s how your big dumb smart brain looks around your little sexy lizard brain.

I think some people, at any level in life, have an especially hard time acting outside of their coded ways of personality. Hey I’ve got strong impulses myself. And I also think that any conversation about people who might have toughly coded ways of being is going to warrant a fun distinction between evolved vs high-functioning. They’re not mutually exclusive, but some people can be to their own disadvantage in certain ways, and still adapted enough to the world that they’ll survive — just maybe not thrive as much. And maybe they’ll still do super. If so great, cause high functioning.

Evolved folks meanwhile have learned to leverage or advantageously work around their code to actual advantage. More of a “how well do you play life with the hand you’re dealt” then a “how much does your hand win the game of life”

And some things are unfortunately heavy lifts to go into this evolved concept about (and I don’t wanna).

But what I’ve been overthinking is how a good goal in identifying your own differences is to feed self-awareness. The whole point of that would be so you can also be more conscientious about your bullshit. Maybe make decisions that’s outside of your ordinary code. And that whole ability to communicate with others, or talk to yourself and go “listen this impulse may be driven by but you can choose to ___ and in the long run it’s better because ____” I’d say that there’s a super power.

I’m going to work to tone down my outspokenness. Mainly means learning to be more patient and reserved. I think it’ll be a lot more peaceful for everyone. Also me. But also everyone.

I don’t know why but for me, one of the most resonating posts on here is the one where I was processing the realization that someone who reported to me straight up lied about what they did on the job, because I was sent the messages evidencing that they typed exactly what they said they didn’t.

Then, I chose not to show my hand or true thoughts, and this person probably still doesn’t know I was sent explicit stuff. I just took actions and other opportunities to assert the right stuff about getting good work across, and everything worked out without focusing on bozo’s bozoness.

Last part’s the lesson. Next part’s the question: can I shape my inclinations so I want to hold my hand more often? And it’s a challenge because people have a way of acting out when they don’t feel expressed, and I want to avoid that nonsense too.

I think if I did more pausing and “does this need to be said” and “should it really be said now” and “are the prerequisites to have this conversation probably go well in place” and “maybe I could focus on something constructive and let silence on the destructive thing do the talking” ….well there’s a courageous way to do it, and I’m certain that the results would be more conscientious to the point that they’ll probably be smarter.

I once saw someone who put runner’s high on a pedestal and I don’t need to get into or chase that. Runner’s high is cool and all, but give me caffeine or good sleep and I just like running like some people like dancing.

And I’m preeeeeetty sure I’m surpassing all previous Erics and I’m going to go to bed overthinking why I’m into that, and I’m gonna enjoy it too.

Am almost hesitant to get into this because I had a buddy once tell me that I get into trouble with certain egofullyfullios because I run around being the most humble great person ever and some people will extra hate that. He’s not wrong.

And there’s a good Calvin and Hobbes strip on this; I’d love to be candid.

I will never be the fastest runner.

I will never be the most distanced runner.

But I’m putting work in putting one foot in front of the other to the point that I’m extra able, don’t feel like quitting at that, and as a result hitting milestones I dig. There’s something so satisfying about being capable of doing a thing that you weren’t before.

Today I hit a 5k official which is different than “omgerd going for a run 5k” because it’s a you-do-it-on-someone-else’s-turf and if you’re into strava mph-strump running then fuck-your-autopause and you might run like I did on very not optimal conditions and I’m still pretty pleased. There’s another certain feeling in imagining that today’s score might disappoint me a year from now.

These things are wonky because of the above parts with the word never in them, and yet I still get to be pretty pleased. And youtube likes to feed me running videos

and today’s:

like…

…youtubers….

….don’t do a 4 minute intro to your topic without providing nifty insight maybe I don’t care how eloquent you might sound

and right about this mark in it I heard this bri’ish accent pointfully ted-talk bench-ask

(paraphrase)

“And a 25 mile mark is such a milestone, but how can one really achieve it?”

I’ve apparently made up my mind 53 seconds into the video and was walking away – just heard that part

and it’s one of those dumbass moments where I felt myself say it:

it in a batman voice, as I walked into another room:

“YOU BE ME.”

…

I don’t know why I’m like this either

Dear shoes,
Both of you.

Where are you? Please let it be that a homeless giant clown came across you and put you on like some weird post apocalyptic western cowboy? It doesn’t matter that we’re on the east coast.

Because it seems, all my dress shoes are gone.

“But Eric, huh?”

I know! This is my life. Apparently this is the cost of being me. I’m scared this is a sign that I’ve been holding my life together by a shoelace and it’s one mistake where everything gets undone and comes loose.

I don’t like self-identifying with ADHD unless it’s funny or insightful, because it’s so loaded. Can seem like an excuse. Can really give people a jump to conclusion shtick rather than information that’ll help people see more. But this time’s the latter – knowing that I’ve probably lost my shoes is a wake up call that I need to sit back and tighten up my organization game. So shoes, if you can hear me, I’ve got the message loud and clear and you can come back home now. I’d like to get in you tomorrow and hoof to work.

Please?

Daw ok.

My black oxfords were an accepted bitten bullet. I have three bags that I use to bring extra stuff for running club. One has three pockets and one has a broken zipper. I got into a rihanna song and asked a friend to bring a portal speaker to hash. I put it in the bottom of the big pocket with the busted zipper. Where I keep my shoes. A mile later I learn that my bag has one speaker and one shoe.

Part of who I am is perseverance. It is a good thing and a bad thing. It means I am equally likely to stubbornly not quit, whether it’s admirable or silly. Or both. And stubborn brain was like “yo you can retrace your steps and get that shoe dawg, you must have dropped it over the last three miles.”

And prudent me said “you are already a dumbass and are about to run a half marathon and your ankles are already finding the rest of you insufferable and now you want to go on a 3am wild shoe hunt through brooklyn that is foolish and not worth the subhundred dollars that those shoes value.”

And then other voice said “AND YOU KEEP BITCHING ABOUT HOW YOUR FEET ARENT SIZE 13 ANYMORE AND THOSE SHOES FELT LIKE A NEWBORN GIRAFFE WALKING AROUND WITH ELEPHANT FORESKINS FOR TOES LET THEM GO”

And then self-aware voice said “Yo other voice, you’re Rationalization aren’t you?”

And other voice was like “ya dawg”

And then master voice said “ALL OF YA SHADDAP THIS IS TOO MANY VOICES AND THE MISSION IS TO GO HOME.”

And I kept walking for 3 more blocks in my running sneaks

*slipslipslip*

(that’s the sound of my running sneakers because they’re very quiet)

stubborn voice “….seriously though what if they’re just like right off of Atlantic-“

master: “THATS IT. ENDING THIS POSSIBILITY.”

And I felt my hand reach into my bag

and pick out my sole sisterless shoe

and walk to an nyc wastebin

and put it in

LIKE RUBBISH

(THEY WERE JUST SHINED

I GOT THEM WHEN I JOINED MY DIVISION

THEY WERE THE BLACK OXFORDS THAT TAUGHT MY THAT BLACK OXFORDS ARE QUINTESSENTIAL PROFESSIONAL ITEM)

Each step away from that wastebin felt very dramatic and disappointing and dumb and there was no side, not a one, that felt vindicated or smart or wise or like I was anyone but a dumbass who couldn’t keep his dress shoes throughout a running event

Such was the cost of silly me in my silly lifestyle, incidents happen

which brings us to today

My double monk-strap brown ones

That I got and had since I was consulting

Simply gone

And either the plumber took them (i really doubt it)

I left them in my gf’s house and she is unable to locate them (I super doubt it)

My ridiculous brain had one of those voices of chaos determine that I should put them in a special new location and that I will surely remember, and then forgot (but I can’t imagine where, they are conspicuous shoes, and I can not find them.)

Or while coming home from work, I did that thing I thought was smart and slick and slipped into my super cushy sneaks on the train and forgot to put them back in my bag because I got distracted with that phone call (this is frighteningly possible)

I have looked a lot and it is time:

I have reached the point where it is a pleasant surprise if these shoes turn up. I will have to go to sleep and wonder why my brain does these things with so little attention that a memory doesn’t consolidate and I have to acknowledge that what is stupid, is possible, or after a point even probable.

And what’s extra dumb is that it turns out that missing a shoe and not being sure how is a lot like missing your cat. You wonder where it is. You hope it’s not in a place for the miserly and garbaged. You hope you will turn around and realize that you’re a big doof and that it was really behind you the whole time and look in places you’ve already looked three, four, five, six times

but it never manifests

because that’s how physics work.

So you’re left with bills and psychology and deals with yourself and new chores that aren’t cheap.

I also have to plan around my weaknesses, which means rituals, and zippers, and conscientiously doing one thing at a time.

Goodbye shoes. This is the 1042nd saddest goodbye of my life.

May you find a more prescient place on poorer feet that you fit better.

Happy Trail 🙂

Pool – Do Not Climb Over Fence

Stonehenge

Stonehenge Exit

7th and 41st entrance

The tree between the first and second lampost facing the right if you are about to enter the place that is synonymous with ‘billiards’

Under Football’s Trash

Stick it to the handball corner

Playground x4 Bridging Swinging Chairs Cornered

Lower than the closest can’s trash by the bathrooms

There are bushes of love by the playground with one too

Where all the votes for trump / dog shit ended up

Old People Gym

Good or bad minton

Tree vulva by the old people gym

A week and a half ago, after playing basketball with some officers, I met up with a girl I saw for a hot minute this year. I think she wanted to gauge and feel me out. Let’s be honest, sometimes the memories you leave behind make an eternal space.

I could go into the infinity reasons why but I’m getting really into fitness. Part of it is trite, some of it is even petty, but also most of it is not. But I’ve always been driven like this….way I see it, there was just a period where I was filling other unsatisfactions with known copes such as a big relaxing meal. Food nurtures good company. And after coviding and being a bit dissatisfied with home life, yeah, food fills.

And she we had what we had before this too.

And there’s a lot more that’s changing. Work, compared to where I was a year ago? Not even the same ballpark. I have a team. In practice at the office, I say our team because that’s righter, but I could say my team. And it’s great, and it’s part of a wider team. Let’s put modesty aside: my leadership is demonstrable and skilled and talented. For the most part, I. Feel. Successful. And. Grateful.

So…smaller roles….capable, but less capable….apt to settle….apt to diminish how I feel in the long term for cool short terms…..that’s not me anymore. Not my life.

And I love that.

So I sat down with this qt. And I wanted to gauge her too. We fell out because the communication wasn’t constructive and I wouldn’t say that’s on my end. And she was still gorgeous.

We haven’t talked yet but I appreciate that she’s there and reached out and my smile is nothing but genuine.
I say hi, and I haven’t yet taken off my jacket and she doesn’t yet know I’m a different composition constitution and shape now and that’s ok too.

And I smile and crack a joke.

And she looks genuinely confused.

“Your voice changed.”

“Did it?”

I’ve been feeling for months now that it has, but I’m 37. That doesn’t make sense.
Is it psychological? Did I get a cough that never fully reverted? Because I agree, I’ve felt like it has.

I hear it differently in my head at least.

“Why has your voice changed?”

“I finally hit puberty.”

“Huh?”

“I guess my balls just dropped.”

This is one of those jokes that’s loosely rooted in reality. It’s funnier when I don’t spell it out.

Playing the fool is always an interesting choice.

People who compel you too, are almost always bringers of the tragic. People who influence you to, are almost always bringers of comedy.

I still remember finding out that one of the (then) new consultants was uh, what’s the technical term?…oh, a liar. He lied. Week one of the job he did a stupid thing, and rather than own up to it he out of something pride-based, maybe shame or embarrassment or some over-confident belief that he could protect his reputation by just lying, did a lie that started with “definitely…”

And I was able to copy and paste to him the thing that showed he was definitely lying.

I just took a deep breath, because I guess that’s my entire point in a nutshell. Strangely, I think that playing the fool can result in the most insight.

Playing the fool for me turns into a game of chess. The “When should I show my hand?” question becomes a constant one. It sounds like a stupid game, because it is, but the whole process also gives you insight on a person. How much more they’ll double down. Casually lie. How good they are at lying. What they’ll employ their confidence for. Why.

It’s very, very, very, very different than actually being a fool. It’s also more dangerous than being transparent, or bullheaded with regard to every red circle.

Note: not for the bull.

I think resilience is a key component of strategy. Resilience gives rise to patience, and results in not having to be so reactive to the point that the resilient person can demo a level of patience that good plays can result from strategy.

Whether or not it does, or is the most ideal way forward for a few steps is not good post-fodder for here. I just don’t think I’m wise enough to understand that part.

One time at UB I was taking this “Love and Intimacy” psychology class because it fulfilled a requirement, and at night, and who would find this uninteresting? I was in lab-boy mode most often at this time. This meant being a little more awkward, and assuming that everyone was most interested in what a book said and how said book could be added to.

The class unfortunately discoursed a bit like cosmo articles. Cherry picked correlations with well-intentioned advice. It wasn’t the woist, but it didn’t have the intimidating rigor that some of the neuroscience classes did. Anyone with a good heart could guess this stuff and not fail.

And the instructor was making a class fun by having a “True or false” and the class was supposed to say true or false together, and then the census would be checked by the “right” answer.

One of the questions was “Women can experience two kinds of orgasms.”

……

And this class that was predominantly women gave mixed responses, that much was clear. I said “false…”, and that got a little washed out in the mixed review. But what wasn’t washed out was when I continued my sentence with “there are three.”

So essentially

Professor: “True or false, women can experience two kinds of orgasms”

Quarter of class: “True”
Me and different quarter of class “False….”
My dumb ass alone: “…. there are three.”

So there’s a pause and the whole room is looking at me. In my head I’m like “that sounded really confident. Shit. Why did I said that. Shit, I think I read this somewhere. Wasn’t it like *is sure of two kinds but not the third* shit here it comes”
There are like 2 other guys in the whole class and I’m getting many sideways looks.

Lecturer clicks next, and slide reads something along the lines of:

“FALSE! Research has shown that women can have three kinds of orgasms. Including [*insert some stuff you can google*]”

Teacher lady goes “Eric, I am a woman and I don’t know how many orgasms a woman can have so I want to know how you might know…”

At this point I was trying not to blush and heard myself completely go from badass to asshole by saying “Ask your mother.”

And I don’t think she heard me because she started saying, “but I can’t date my students! I can’t date my students!”

I think we were both trying to be funny. And if we were succeeding, maybe it wasn’t in the way we wanted to be funny.

Anyway, no I did not get lucky with any person in this class as a result of this story, but one guy thought I was cool and offered me drugs about a week after — because college.

The End

Has nightmare
nightmare is we have received instructions, species style, for space expedition on Saturn
For some reason I am invited and say sure.
Goes along for ride
Due to dream time, am then on Saturn
Apparently there is a shuttle to visit moon
Doesn’t think getting on shuttle is good idea but ok
Gets on moon
Starts exploring with team
See’s weird alien temple in distance
Hears drums
Shuttle explodes
Fire people start coming out of temple
Me, “They don’t look friendly. Is this ritualistic dancing from a bad 80’s movie?”
Gang: Derp derp
Watches giant space-fire-dragon exit temple like some WoW boss
Its teeth are the size of my head
Its eyes look made of fire
Me: “Oh GOD DAMNIT.”
Gang: “Gee maybe we should go”
Me: Is so annoyed that all these expeditions took one shuttle to this stupid moon
Me: Thinks about how there is no known ride off of this rock
starts calculating the logistics of being trapped on a moon on saturn
Decides that even if I am not eaten by a giant space dragon that I don’t have the survival skills or resources to live very long on a Saturn move
wakes up
cat is glad I’m awake
cat shows me butthole
realizes that there may be a flaw in a new project given to me at work that no one else has realized yet

I think this was a weird work-stress dream.