http://time.com/4042834/neuroscience-happy-rituals/

^

Really like this article!

And she didn’t stalk it, log into it, or act like that’s an OK thing to do for months in order to justify her selfish bullshit, and neither did she look for signs that she should turn into a delusional persecution artist at any point.  This is unlike two ridiculous girls. And y’know, honestly, I’ve never had a good experience with a woman who justifies to herself that it’s ok to lurk someone else’s shit. The principal is real: you shouldn’t have to lock your phone from someone you respect (and you shouldn’t have to pass stupid insecure tests about it, either.)

P.S. Also a basic, obvious thing to J.  (And for good reason too.) Apparently, even her mom was surprised. And I’ll be honest, when she told me about this, I especially ❤ that she was surprised that her mom was surprised.

I’ve got a good one.  This justified respect n trust (and what it results in) is 2% why I’mma devote the goodnesses.

(The other 98% is no one else’s business.)

It’s very interesting when people defend ridiculous behaviors, vs when people regret it, vs when they simply won’t lower themselves to it.  Go for the last category, people.

P.S.S.  Grimm is a great show, with kickass writing . . . as in, anyone who confuses it with that other Fairy Tale show (like I did) is missing out and should give this one a shot.

I just see no good way to equate growing up with learning how to harbor a type of resentment.  And you can be as intellectual as you want about a resentment, it still makes you a stupid-head:

A thing I’ve noticed is people’s tendency to make unfavorable generalizations. We grow up doing this, and clearly, this saves lots of thought-work and critical thinking, but sometimes – in fact usually – when forming negative characterizations, we sell ourselves short when selling others to the shit-list.  We create channels of resentment, and, what’s actually a lil evil, tool our negative opinions to justify poor treatment or things we normally wouldn’t do. We colorize so we can do bad ourselves, but still consider ourselves ok people. It’s a bad cycle.

My mind works in a way that I always have the temptation to make some wise-ass response to any ass situation, and I usually resist – usually.  I know that the second I want to make a generalization that it’s really more of a red flag of the situation itself more than a valid generalization,

but this doesn’t always stop others (or, I guess myself, for that matter.)  Hey, we’re human.  But I look at the brunt bulk of people going out of their way to make painful generalizations on other people’s statuses, I see it in emails, “candid” private talks, the shit people say when wasted and

You know, SOME people are very eager to label all sorts of groups and behaviors as “bad.”  “Bad” people are about. “Bad” people surround you.  Whitey’s out to get you.  Blackey’s gonna steal yo car. Men love to mansplain shit and shut everyone else up. Feminazi’s are the liberal oppressor. Blah blah blah.

All nonsense. When you boil people down, we all want similar things, and have SIMILAR drives to be happy.  I guess I’m not so cynical in that I think, hey, we all basically want to be happy.  Hey, somethings fucked up if someone WANTS to make a baby cry, right?  It’s when we get disenfranchised, it’s when we feel something has robbed or taken away our happiness, that we really turn into assholes who manipulate or contribute to situations in manipulative or asshole ways. And we lose sight of that when we subscribe to views such as “Men just want to have their egos fellated” or “Bitches be dumb and don’t even-” blah blah blah.  We lose the ability to respect someone else’s experience and reasons, and just wanna paint the picture on them with some sorta negative label.

I believe that people are usually selfish, silly, egotistical, and capable of lots of sin and virtue. I believe people can grow into people who are ridiculous and fucked up, but, I don’t believe in “bad” people. Bad guys is a ridiculous concept. Them terrorists who hate your freedom just because they’re born in the axis of evil actually don’t exist. Maybe that’s just propaganda, and well, maybe if you subscribe to it you’re a moron who’s too much of a lazy fuck to understand why historical conditions have lead to some extremely fucked up beliefs and behaviors.

Anyway, regarding these colorizing generalizations, sometimes it’s just coercive assignment – act like ____, and I’ll call and treat you like a ______.  Which’s, kinda nasty bullshit – and also an illegitimate form of manipulation if you’re smart enough to think for yourself – it’s defined by when someone’s opinions of how a person is to conduct themselves becomes dominating douchebaggery (see: slut-shaming / fuckboy shaming, fat shaming, ammish shaming, etc)

But sometimes it’s not just coercive assignment.  Sometimes it’s rationalization where, the coercive assignment vehicle – the same methods – apply, but sometimes we generalize or paint people as part of our own personal propaganda to further campaigns. Wtf am I talking about? I’ll mansplain this shit:

I’ve made shit-lists in my time.  It’s when, I deem you’ve been so shitty to me that I wanna get you back. It’s even juvenile and, maybe as of this year, rather than explode, or punish, or really wanna make people feel terrible so I can go “nya nya nya nya nya nya” I’ve learned the best, possible, classiest, healthiest, BEST thing to do easily, is just live a good life, on your own terms.  Do it right.  Duh, I know. But I’ve learned that people who’ve had to be shitty to me are actually not happy campers at the end of the night – and it’s pretty soul-sucking to spend energy trying to make them feel bad.  I’m still seeing how this new practice plays out (pssp pssp, having my shit together feels nicer than ever) which’s a contrast to the MO during my gamer days, where it was better to rise above by simply crushing antagonizing players.  I mean, that was the point of the game. But that type of campaigning in real life is superceded by a different MO. So no mas.

What I’m realizing from changing this philosophy up, is how much energy went in terrible places.  The truth is, understanding why and how people aren’t happy campers at the end of the night, and why, is way better, at least for me – it’s just more interesting! – than going “they = bad.”  I feel like I learn and understand more when I get some idea of what’s actually going on than when I just make a judgement of “____ = bad, grrrrrrr!”

“When you’ve judged something, you’ve stopped thinking.”  Still one of my favorite quotes.

I think feminazis (not feminists, I’m talking straight up feminazis) are a special breed with all sorts of intellectualizations about how men are shitty not because it facillitates equal rights, but because it helps them treat men like shit.  Racists have all sorts of generalizations because it helps them be racist assholes. Duh. But the interesting thing is when these sorts NEED to be correct. Hello, we’re turning into a society of heads that’ll go out of our ways to justify toxic reasoning more than actually be above the situations said reasoning brings our supposedly enlightened thinking towards. (See: Donald Trump.) Yet sexism and racism are easy examples – what about individual interactions that lead to our minds spawning colorizing generalizations? Between people with pride, the exact same “HERE ARE INTELLECTUALIZATIONS TO FIND SUMMARILY VALID” thinking and behavior that follows becomes more likely with more pride.  And this is what makes prideful people transform from being great people, to douchenozzels. It’s why prideful people when unhappy can be more dangerous to folks around them who wanna feel decent.

The deal: One thing I get is that people who’ve been hurt like to externalize their pain, as it creates a source of blame you can do something about.  But then you have to figure out why the party taking the heat had blameworthy intentions. And heck, the easiest, laziest, shittiest thing you can do is simply deduce “because they’re just bad.”  (So sayeth the plot of almost every shitty movie ever) Or some other coercive label.
But really, only sociopaths are “just bad” and even then, the vast, vast majority come from upbringings chock full of toxic or traumatic abuse.  Wanna save the energy of figuring out a bad person’s deal? Just don’t deal with ’em, set limits and boundaries, but don’t, waste your headspace, intellectualizing shit unintellectually. That leads you down the road of “Bad” and “nice” and trust me, it ends with you a selfish moron who, honestly, at the end of the day, is more likely to be placated more than happy.

I believe happiness comes when you actually understand how good things are growing in your life, and have an active hand in that. If to you, people are just colors of good and bad morality with no internal character in a state of flux – if you can’t actually understand HOW people came to be perceptible as bad to you, then how could you do the converse, and actually understand HOW people came to be perceptible as a good thing in your life?  Face it – if you don’t practice actual empathy and solely measure people by how their behaviors affect you, well, not only is that setting up to give power to the folks who DO do the work of figuring you out, but it also makes you less likely to feel like you have an active role in growing good things in life.  There’s a huge difference in waiting for a “good” man/woman to make you happy instead of making yourself happy, which WILL make you attractive to the best of ’em. And I find, teasing apart what you like and don’t like about a person’s character just creates more resources, options, realizations, and PEACE, than taking a passive role for-or-against their colorized sins and virtues.  We’re all people, and the best of us never ever lose sight of the commonalities that’s present in ALL of our journeys towards better living.

So, those assholes on the street? Today, more than shit talking ’em, I’m honestly happier figuring ’em out more than just hating them.  I’m not doing anyone any favors by forming an opinion and having a big mouth about it. I’m more enlightened by being quieter and understanding that I don’t understand everything and going about my own existence the best I can. And that chick walking like she thinks she’s hot shit and wants me to notice yet actually annoys the shit outa me? If all I register is annoyance, I’m actually missing out on figuring out her self-esteem issues – which’s, trust me, an insight that’s totally useful towards being an even more kickass man. (Insight + good story to take home = win.)

Anyway, that’s the end of this blah blah – and pretty much my point.  If you have a shit-list, well, if I can, I’m sure most people can – consider scrapping it, or turning it into a “list of people who suck and won’t make you feel good by being shitty” cause, that energy spent campaigning or harboring the intending to hurt another?  Where it’s being diverted from is empathy – the ability to understand how another person actually is. What this makes you, is less evolved, and under this mental idea of a person who’s Way you’re taking with you, and giving new life to by continuing to fabricate. Some of the nicest people turn into the nastiest when something upsets their ability to find, maintain, or have happiness, and, maybe it really is nicer and feels better to understand what’s going on more than just deduce them as a nasty person, and seek them out to treat them as such.

Hot Chip still —- it.

Actually – yes.  Yes it is.  It just started to get a lil fun, exciting even. Cause,

Alright,

It’s that time.

Disjuncture is finally read.  I only read it 8 times, polished again and again.  And sure, the word count’s higher than I hoped, but it’s a good story, and my baby.

I just compiled a list of every individual agent I’m interested in.  I’ve also, for the first time ever, decided to jump into a twitter presence.  Long story short, oh, I’m back, literary world’s going to be hearing a shitton from me.

I’ve got multiple format styles reader for query (and have a clear favorite.)  I’m not really planning on using templates though, because that’s whack.   Agents are people too.  Also attending conferences, yadda ya,

I’m doing the 12 hour attention span thing. Like, the only thing that made me realize that time passed was Aminal getting on my (nekked) lap and being cuddleriffic and the change in sunlight.  But, no time.  Watch me do this harder than any date/college/university/job application gambit, ever.

Long story short.  I’m hyped. I’m feeling prepared.  It will show in my handshake.  Let’s shoot for some professional bookmaking, finally.

#NeverGiveUp
#BarelyStarted
#WillDoItTillIWin

Ya know,

I’m sending query letters again and decided something to make it feel more authentic and easier: break a shit-ton of rules and guidelines.  Honestly, a generic query ain’t typical of the voice and worker an agent or editor would be working with, so I’m gonna take a risk and vote against taking a generic and business tone.

Just do it.  If you fail, review, revise, send more.

POOLS!  I like pools.   The camp ground we stayed in on the last night had a HEATED POOL. Roughing it, but the best part was actually the kids. For some reason, when we entered, it was quiet, but after Ilya and I used the waterslide once, a line had mysteriously formed. And kids are great. They respond so well if you tell them “DONT DO IT, YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR” when they’re mid-water slide, or when you teach them how to buy cigarretes but instead not to do that and BUY MILK so you too can become big and strong in the kiddy pool. Oh yeah, there’s a picture of me standing in a 1.5 foot kiddy pool somewhere. 

This is Ilya’s friend Poie (call her Pwee.) She’s awesome and doesn’t say no to the possibility that human beings have super powers. I’m not sure, but my best guess is this is her doing an impression of my favorite golden retriever’s personality.

She’s not very good at impressions.

YAY JAIDREE MADE IT. (THIS IS ALSO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CAMERA TROLL HER WITH HER OWN PHONE CAMERA 20 BILLION TIMES.  

At some point I seized control of the only camera between jaidree I. This is my learning face as I mastered it’s ways.

WATCHING YOO

OMGERD THE LOVELY COTTAGE WE STAYED AT. I WISH THEY HAD ANOTHER PILLOW THAT SAID ORINOCO FLOW

Apparently it looks from the back seat when I drive (p.s. I’m the best driver ever) which also gives me a good idea for how it’d also look from the back seat if I make sweet sweet love.

THEY HAD A SPINNING WHEEL THAT FOR SOME REASON MADE ME THINK OF MOM.

I fukkin loved this cottage. This is also the room where people learned how to kill each other in Wii smash in the wee hours of the night after massive feast with dranks.

I think Jaidree was a lil afeared to explore the back yard cause of the upstairs neighbor (we had the first floor, which was beautiful and plenty) but there’s a gorgeous garden with GIANT PETUNIAS right around the corner.

Respect the sock game.

And toe.

Testing?

OOH OOH OOH, SO I COOKED, AND WHILE I LIKED THE KIBBOB FIRE FEAST MORE (which no pictures were taken cause it was the dead of night and camp fire based) this features:

Lobsta

Corn on cob

Hickery Smoked BBQ baked beans – legit style

Baked citrus basil pork chops with garlic kale

Garlic bread Spinach and tossed green salad topped with shimp boiled in butter and garlic and seseme peanut sauce

Olive Boat (WHICH DIDN’T LAST)

A bowlful of butter

Garlic Pasta with melted mozzeralla and parmissan and red clam sauce

To drink:

Gin + Vodka + Mint + Pink Lemonade (really fuckin good)

Here’s some of the night before

Ilya’s friend made it up to join us in portland. Turned out he’s a kickass docta man who’s super cool to barhop with.

So there’s this place outside portland where you can take a boat to a smaller island, and then we rented bikes. We discovered a beach, and some of us decided to strip down to our underpants and go swimming. I couldn’t do that, and the water was really nice, but this is what it feels like to bike around in your wet underpants for 20 minutes.

Daww Rock Island – some really weird and cool balance experiments happening here I wish we shot more of

Crossing off “Explore Ghost Yacht at night” from bucket list.

And then

So while we were in Portland, J had to join us later to help out a best friend. But, disaster, this is her bus super broke down.  Let’s never ride with this company, cause after hearing how stressful things were getting I devoured dinner, and drove on down to boston to get her (only about 90 minutes) cause she missed the connecting bus cause 1) No I don’t want you spending vacation waiting in a scary bus depot in the middle of boston till 5am 2) Excuse to drive 3) It’s about the only time you get to rescue someone in a shiny metal thing in a civilian setting before the zombie apocalypse.

BUT YEY SHE MADE IT. TIME TO MAKE CHRISTIAN ROCK ALBUM COVERS.

GAIS ITS BEAUTIFUL I BELIEVE OUR INSTRUCTIONS ARE TO GET SMUGGLIER.

NOT BAD MAINE

NOT, BAD

Got to cook it up.  Everyone was so cool; everything = beautiful. Driving round was split perfectly and tons of fun (I ❤ 75 mph speed limits) was fun.

Island biking. Ship wrecking. Comparing Portland to Camden to Acadia was interesting.  Tandem Sea Kayaking = hell yea. Camping = hell yeah.  Impromptu extra stop on Wercester (pronounced “wooster” for some reason.) Teaching little kids at the pool how to buy cigs, but not to do that and buy milk instead was fun.  Went from hotel room to apt to cottage to camp ground and enjoyed ’em all.

Apparently Ilya’s ladyfriend thought I was a rockstar.  This meant a lot coming from a hipster looking asian gal, but, she also thinks I’m black. So what’s she know.

To top it off, a certain book also arrived in mail in proof form, and that’s what’s to do.  It’s um, very different than any previous copy, like that, and continue to not be done.