TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL I DO ONE OF THE MOST PHYSICALLY DEMANDING THINGS YET *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

In other introspective bs:

I’d be lying if I said I was a perfectly content person.   I’m not, cause I’ve got shit to do, goals to reach, and live in a big city where social friction gets in yo’ face, just for say . . . .riding a subway.  I’m hungry, despite all my nutritious food, and I’m ok with that.     But the life is good, and I appreciate that.
I’ve also noticed since getting to steward some big assets how pride and sharing can work out.  You could make generalizations such as prideful people sharing, people with egos sharing, turns into entitlement.   Prideful people may be super defensive, which leads to escalations of friction rather than direct discussion and fair exchange.  Etc.  But that friction and how it plays out, and a new belief about a certain Way of responding to it playing out congealed in my head a couple days ago, and the more I think about it, the more and more I believe it.

So for starters regarding me, hell yeah I’ve got some pride and ego.  (I’d like to believe I act on gifts enough to deserve some, and you can’t stop me.)   I’m even not perfect (but I am the best) and like purty much everyone, had to figure out some tough decisions and calls – you do the best you can, and the smartest you can figure – that’s all people ask – on top of LEARNING, and constantly improving.  That’s the stuff that really oughta create a long term relationship.

But I’ve noticed something: in this life, where people grow apart – natural occurance, doesn’t have to be the most dramatic thing in the world – every day I start to see more and more why a lot of super smart people I’ve identified as super smart end up being reclusive (although, I’m not there quite yet, and prefer that) falling outs WILL happen with people who are strong, sensitive, and have certain kinds of drives.  That combination = either you turn into a people pleaser most of your life, or you find yourself with a higher amount of social friction to sort through.  If yer weird, feel strongly about certain things, and sensitive – well heck, you’re bound to have a disagreement. Socially, I enjoy attracting more than one sorts of person, cause I’m attracted to a motley crew sort – and as life happens, again, disagreements, bound to happen.  I’ve even had big tiffs with some of my closest friends, and ya know, we usually re-knit.

But here’s a 2015 twist I’m noticing – because certain things I’m more sensitive too, and in this case I think it’s my head trying to save time:

There’s a specific kind of arrogance that’s a deal breaker in many relationships, and it makes the arrogant person more miserable in the end.  (Disclaimer: this IS NOT about any specific person or incident, I just think too much, and this’s a generalization I think is good to stick with.)     It’s a type of of psychological arrogance – a certain conceit in thinking you KNOW something you’re actually only speculating about.   I like the phrase “When you have judged something you have stopped thinking” and a willingness to judge so easily, so stubbornly, even if you’re “cool” about it – I think it costs the arrogant person almost as much as the people who try to be nice to them and garner their respect.

It’s not something everyone does.

Psychological training = a lot of people think it IS a sort of trained arrogance – the balls to psychoanalyze someone and tell them because they wanna put their lips around a cigar that they have phallic issues of some kind.  FALSE.    The real art of psychology is making a hard science out of something that’s really fucking hard to measure (based on soft observations.)   It’s important, cause it’s easy to think you know when you’re really inducing – and the key here is the second to proceed to follow a line trailing from one mis-step, everything in your model is wrong.   Even neuroscience, is so fucking painstaking and slow because there’s so much interconnectedness and possibility between every transmission that it’s hard to KNOW an impulse and how something works.  (Yeah, every time you comprehend “THATS DOPAMINE – you’re receiving a gross simplification.)  A healthy respect for that – to the point before it mystifies human behavior – is super wise.

Cause to my mind, the biggest skill in psychological training is knowing when you don’t know.  This isn’t to mystify, because I believe you can come into a deep understanding with almost any person and how they tick by actually connecting with them!   However, the PATIENCE and skill to observe when it really matters and get to know them – heck, this’s how people get to predict some people better than they know themselves.  This goes beyond looking for your conclusion, but finding cold curiosity in the person (more than how the person extends to you – the more subjective, and the more stake you have a person, honestly the harder this’ll be to do.)  But it’s totally possible.   I’d like to believe I’m a good read of people, and it’s not because I’m assuming, or think I’m smarter than I really am. I usually just watch until intuition identifies a pattern, and then I start to verify.   I guess that’s my method.

But here’s something you don’t get to do, and I think this has marked the difference between when I connect with a person again after a disagreement, and when I keep ’em at arms bay cause I feel that maintaining and continuing their respect comes at too large a cost of self: when they tell you how you think.

Really, trifling people – the ones who are miserable – ever notice how few times they actually got to know someone before forming a strong opinion of ’em?  I think more often than not, that’s what happens.  And in my lil obsession of the narc. personality type this mid-year, a common theme presented itself:  LOW EMPATHY.

That’s right – some of the most manipulating, conniving, selfish people – more often than not, they have a really stupid way of getting to know they people who’ll eventually wanna play the v-card.   Just as an example, a lot of people who come off a spin with someone who approaches a narcisistic personality type – they also come away so pissed at themselves cause hindsight’s a bitch, and they realize they weren’t dealing with someone who actually got others.  They were dealing with a person who had a strong opinion of others as people putty. And many narcs are surprised at how they come off, or how they actually affect others, or how others respond. Narcs by and large are NOT masterminds of human behaviors, as much as people who seek to control it and aggrandize their self in the process.  And it’s really interesting when people project, cause, heck, maybe they can’t see farther than their own motivations for good reason.

And what I really get to, is my belief that there’s just a HUGE difference in identifying a behavior, or an emerging pattern, or a response, vs identifying how a person thinks and is and telling it to them.  That last part – I’d say it’s a fair rule to just not do that unless you’re hellbent on disrespecting the person, cause it’s a lil more than disrespectful.  And this’s the belief congealing part that I’m starting to actually swallow – telling someone what they care about, how they think, how they don’t think, in my experience that’s it’s turning out to be shown most often in people who had shitty childhoods.  Sup with that?   Seriously, if your parents smile a lot and are genuinely happy and get along with others, you’re probably more tolerant of speculating on behaviors and figuring out what’s ACTUALLY going on rather than focusing on how it pertains to you and why you might wanna manufacture that person’s reasoning.   It’s an asshole generalization, but one that seems to apply – maybe it’s “my parent lost patience, made a judgement, and depicted how it’s acceptable to explosively react on this premise for they had the power, and as I grow up, I too shall exercise my own powa.”   I don’t know (see what I just did there?  I’m speculating, I’m exploring possible connections, yes I might be a lil asshole in looking for proof to validate this hypothesis, but it’s a hell of a lot better than trying to be smarter and outwitting people by assuming I know them better than they know or present themselves.”)

So I mean, I like assuming different styles have different merits.   And I like figuring out what makes people tick – it’s more than a genuine hobby!  But what I especially don’t like, are people who act on statements that maybe oughta begin with “I feel like . . . ” and turn it into “YOU . . . ”      That’s more self-respecting than respectful.  Accusations on the inner workings of a person’s psychology, I could use words like asshole, or toxic (although more often than not toxic = a really whiny buzzword, honestly) to describe the effect you may have – especially when you’re being shrewd (Nathaniel Hawthorne – the shrewd lad, great fucking allegory on the issues of shrewdness)
I mean if you’re right even 70% of the time, it’s terrible to arrogantly overlook the 30%, or the way that people change because you wanna feel like you have a smart deep understanding of that which you analyze.  While it’s sexy to penetrate another’s soul – while the other sex LOVES it when you can look into their inner workings and see the ideal and spit it back to them – I’d say, sometimes it’s smart to take a step back and recognize that you don’t have omniscient observational power, but that you DO have great intuitive power, and that you have to balance these two extremes by having patience.  I feel like most people will find that this extra bit of patience will salvage more than a few frictionfilled interactions when said friction occurs.  Again, being/growing into adults, it’s likely not everyone is going to cherish and respect and appreciate all the hard decisions you SHOULD HAVE TO MAKE in life.   Growing apart is totally, normal! But doing so respectfully, involves the self respect enough to recognize when you’re speculating and analyzing what’s presented as part of an aspect, not acting like you’re a trailmaster in someone else’s noggin.

These days, I figure this’s how my greatest friends and relationships (and current great one) can involve such assertive, strong personalities, over long times, without actual clash and snapped twigs – that extra bit of patience and curiosity, the identification of virtue, the patience to tolerate that people aren’t perfect and that learning will happen in a quest towards greater perfection, and that some people need to learn or adapt their weird ways to the world – all of this, huge boons.  It’ll make you so easy to get along with, and less pissed off when interacting with people who to you, aren’t your ideal.

Anyway, curiosity about things worth being curios about (cause I don’t believe in giving every asshat all your time and brainpower, some people do suck)
+combined with the patience to have a thorough explanation
+and solid intuition with self awareness

All this combines into a person who’s hella cool ❤

You know . . . .or you can be a judgemental fuck and have a bunch of shallow relationships, or be a miserable arrogant recluse.

THE POWER IS YOURS!

Yeah, I kinda like life.  A lot.  Even in nyc.

2 more days 2 more days 2 more days 2 more days

Just finished a 2 day 40 mile mountain climbing hike.

Also, my buddy is a decade older and kicks my ass at it.  He KICKS, my ASS at endurance and uphills and preparation, and, yap, the best way to motivate at getting better at something might be doing it with people who’re better at it than you.  As of now fitness kick is me.  Fucking A, marathon coming up – let’s do this.

A couple entries ago I did a diatribe about how I’m not sure inherent badness or inherent evil is a thing.  I stand corrected.  Recently, someone showed I was shown a log of messages where they were real victim and . . .extremely conniving and disgusting.  (Again, social networking exposes and rears an ugly head – but what was read, the lies I understand just downright insane.)

And, while I have a special disdain/sensitivity for people who’re mostly about putting on some kinda front – as in, people I have to do a double take, then realize their actual motivation is NOT as presented, then recognize tthe person has put energy into presenting said front more than making an ideal truth – yep, that’s a special pet peeve and, I know it’s something people do and, I know sometimes it IS mature to not try and shove yer genuine feels down another’s throat so yeah, there’s a place in not wielding your authentic emotional side everywhere.

But apparently, sometimes people are also disgusting.  Like, more than selfish – it conceals a disgusting nature which would have been quirky and special if there weren’t lies to conceal it and only reveal it to people who’re as shitty as you. So I stand corrected, and maybe a lil disappointed and disgusted but that’s less important.  There’s a point to learn here, and now I decide the diatribe before was alright natured, but naive.  Yes in most fiction, moral opacity is wonderful – more interesting than bad guys who want to be evil so they can laugh about it -, and more human than these flat, shithead characters.  But also, conniving horrible folks who have lil excuse except they’re wired that way are totally a thing. I’m now feeling that I’d be a hopeful doof wasting lots of energy if I don’t accept that.  (Like a weird guy I found myself getting angry on someone else’s behalf during le hike, and I know that’s weird, but I was shocked at finding out what this person’s really capable of and, well just ew.)

I can’t say I’ve had nearly as horrible happen to me.  Not even close.

Anyway – I’m abstaining from smoking (everything – ALL THE THIIIINGS) and you know what’s a thing I’m noticing?  This word is coming to mind during even the stressiest of times and it’s my new favorite one right now.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equanimity

What a great word^

Anyway, great to be back.

http://time.com/4042834/neuroscience-happy-rituals/

^

Really like this article!

And she didn’t stalk it, log into it, or act like that’s an OK thing to do for months in order to justify her selfish bullshit, and neither did she look for signs that she should turn into a delusional persecution artist at any point.  This is unlike two ridiculous girls. And y’know, honestly, I’ve never had a good experience with a woman who justifies to herself that it’s ok to lurk someone else’s shit. The principal is real: you shouldn’t have to lock your phone from someone you respect (and you shouldn’t have to pass stupid insecure tests about it, either.)

P.S. Also a basic, obvious thing to J.  (And for good reason too.) Apparently, even her mom was surprised. And I’ll be honest, when she told me about this, I especially ❤ that she was surprised that her mom was surprised.

I’ve got a good one.  This justified respect n trust (and what it results in) is 2% why I’mma devote the goodnesses.

(The other 98% is no one else’s business.)

It’s very interesting when people defend ridiculous behaviors, vs when people regret it, vs when they simply won’t lower themselves to it.  Go for the last category, people.

P.S.S.  Grimm is a great show, with kickass writing . . . as in, anyone who confuses it with that other Fairy Tale show (like I did) is missing out and should give this one a shot.

I just see no good way to equate growing up with learning how to harbor a type of resentment.  And you can be as intellectual as you want about a resentment, it still makes you a stupid-head:

A thing I’ve noticed is people’s tendency to make unfavorable generalizations. We grow up doing this, and clearly, this saves lots of thought-work and critical thinking, but sometimes – in fact usually – when forming negative characterizations, we sell ourselves short when selling others to the shit-list.  We create channels of resentment, and, what’s actually a lil evil, tool our negative opinions to justify poor treatment or things we normally wouldn’t do. We colorize so we can do bad ourselves, but still consider ourselves ok people. It’s a bad cycle.

My mind works in a way that I always have the temptation to make some wise-ass response to any ass situation, and I usually resist – usually.  I know that the second I want to make a generalization that it’s really more of a red flag of the situation itself more than a valid generalization,

but this doesn’t always stop others (or, I guess myself, for that matter.)  Hey, we’re human.  But I look at the brunt bulk of people going out of their way to make painful generalizations on other people’s statuses, I see it in emails, “candid” private talks, the shit people say when wasted and

You know, SOME people are very eager to label all sorts of groups and behaviors as “bad.”  “Bad” people are about. “Bad” people surround you.  Whitey’s out to get you.  Blackey’s gonna steal yo car. Men love to mansplain shit and shut everyone else up. Feminazi’s are the liberal oppressor. Blah blah blah.

All nonsense. When you boil people down, we all want similar things, and have SIMILAR drives to be happy.  I guess I’m not so cynical in that I think, hey, we all basically want to be happy.  Hey, somethings fucked up if someone WANTS to make a baby cry, right?  It’s when we get disenfranchised, it’s when we feel something has robbed or taken away our happiness, that we really turn into assholes who manipulate or contribute to situations in manipulative or asshole ways. And we lose sight of that when we subscribe to views such as “Men just want to have their egos fellated” or “Bitches be dumb and don’t even-” blah blah blah.  We lose the ability to respect someone else’s experience and reasons, and just wanna paint the picture on them with some sorta negative label.

I believe that people are usually selfish, silly, egotistical, and capable of lots of sin and virtue. I believe people can grow into people who are ridiculous and fucked up, but, I don’t believe in “bad” people. Bad guys is a ridiculous concept. Them terrorists who hate your freedom just because they’re born in the axis of evil actually don’t exist. Maybe that’s just propaganda, and well, maybe if you subscribe to it you’re a moron who’s too much of a lazy fuck to understand why historical conditions have lead to some extremely fucked up beliefs and behaviors.

Anyway, regarding these colorizing generalizations, sometimes it’s just coercive assignment – act like ____, and I’ll call and treat you like a ______.  Which’s, kinda nasty bullshit – and also an illegitimate form of manipulation if you’re smart enough to think for yourself – it’s defined by when someone’s opinions of how a person is to conduct themselves becomes dominating douchebaggery (see: slut-shaming / fuckboy shaming, fat shaming, ammish shaming, etc)

But sometimes it’s not just coercive assignment.  Sometimes it’s rationalization where, the coercive assignment vehicle – the same methods – apply, but sometimes we generalize or paint people as part of our own personal propaganda to further campaigns. Wtf am I talking about? I’ll mansplain this shit:

I’ve made shit-lists in my time.  It’s when, I deem you’ve been so shitty to me that I wanna get you back. It’s even juvenile and, maybe as of this year, rather than explode, or punish, or really wanna make people feel terrible so I can go “nya nya nya nya nya nya” I’ve learned the best, possible, classiest, healthiest, BEST thing to do easily, is just live a good life, on your own terms.  Do it right.  Duh, I know. But I’ve learned that people who’ve had to be shitty to me are actually not happy campers at the end of the night – and it’s pretty soul-sucking to spend energy trying to make them feel bad.  I’m still seeing how this new practice plays out (pssp pssp, having my shit together feels nicer than ever) which’s a contrast to the MO during my gamer days, where it was better to rise above by simply crushing antagonizing players.  I mean, that was the point of the game. But that type of campaigning in real life is superceded by a different MO. So no mas.

What I’m realizing from changing this philosophy up, is how much energy went in terrible places.  The truth is, understanding why and how people aren’t happy campers at the end of the night, and why, is way better, at least for me – it’s just more interesting! – than going “they = bad.”  I feel like I learn and understand more when I get some idea of what’s actually going on than when I just make a judgement of “____ = bad, grrrrrrr!”

“When you’ve judged something, you’ve stopped thinking.”  Still one of my favorite quotes.

I think feminazis (not feminists, I’m talking straight up feminazis) are a special breed with all sorts of intellectualizations about how men are shitty not because it facillitates equal rights, but because it helps them treat men like shit.  Racists have all sorts of generalizations because it helps them be racist assholes. Duh. But the interesting thing is when these sorts NEED to be correct. Hello, we’re turning into a society of heads that’ll go out of our ways to justify toxic reasoning more than actually be above the situations said reasoning brings our supposedly enlightened thinking towards. (See: Donald Trump.) Yet sexism and racism are easy examples – what about individual interactions that lead to our minds spawning colorizing generalizations? Between people with pride, the exact same “HERE ARE INTELLECTUALIZATIONS TO FIND SUMMARILY VALID” thinking and behavior that follows becomes more likely with more pride.  And this is what makes prideful people transform from being great people, to douchenozzels. It’s why prideful people when unhappy can be more dangerous to folks around them who wanna feel decent.

The deal: One thing I get is that people who’ve been hurt like to externalize their pain, as it creates a source of blame you can do something about.  But then you have to figure out why the party taking the heat had blameworthy intentions. And heck, the easiest, laziest, shittiest thing you can do is simply deduce “because they’re just bad.”  (So sayeth the plot of almost every shitty movie ever) Or some other coercive label.
But really, only sociopaths are “just bad” and even then, the vast, vast majority come from upbringings chock full of toxic or traumatic abuse.  Wanna save the energy of figuring out a bad person’s deal? Just don’t deal with ’em, set limits and boundaries, but don’t, waste your headspace, intellectualizing shit unintellectually. That leads you down the road of “Bad” and “nice” and trust me, it ends with you a selfish moron who, honestly, at the end of the day, is more likely to be placated more than happy.

I believe happiness comes when you actually understand how good things are growing in your life, and have an active hand in that. If to you, people are just colors of good and bad morality with no internal character in a state of flux – if you can’t actually understand HOW people came to be perceptible as bad to you, then how could you do the converse, and actually understand HOW people came to be perceptible as a good thing in your life?  Face it – if you don’t practice actual empathy and solely measure people by how their behaviors affect you, well, not only is that setting up to give power to the folks who DO do the work of figuring you out, but it also makes you less likely to feel like you have an active role in growing good things in life.  There’s a huge difference in waiting for a “good” man/woman to make you happy instead of making yourself happy, which WILL make you attractive to the best of ’em. And I find, teasing apart what you like and don’t like about a person’s character just creates more resources, options, realizations, and PEACE, than taking a passive role for-or-against their colorized sins and virtues.  We’re all people, and the best of us never ever lose sight of the commonalities that’s present in ALL of our journeys towards better living.

So, those assholes on the street? Today, more than shit talking ’em, I’m honestly happier figuring ’em out more than just hating them.  I’m not doing anyone any favors by forming an opinion and having a big mouth about it. I’m more enlightened by being quieter and understanding that I don’t understand everything and going about my own existence the best I can. And that chick walking like she thinks she’s hot shit and wants me to notice yet actually annoys the shit outa me? If all I register is annoyance, I’m actually missing out on figuring out her self-esteem issues – which’s, trust me, an insight that’s totally useful towards being an even more kickass man. (Insight + good story to take home = win.)

Anyway, that’s the end of this blah blah – and pretty much my point.  If you have a shit-list, well, if I can, I’m sure most people can – consider scrapping it, or turning it into a “list of people who suck and won’t make you feel good by being shitty” cause, that energy spent campaigning or harboring the intending to hurt another?  Where it’s being diverted from is empathy – the ability to understand how another person actually is. What this makes you, is less evolved, and under this mental idea of a person who’s Way you’re taking with you, and giving new life to by continuing to fabricate. Some of the nicest people turn into the nastiest when something upsets their ability to find, maintain, or have happiness, and, maybe it really is nicer and feels better to understand what’s going on more than just deduce them as a nasty person, and seek them out to treat them as such.

Hot Chip still —- it.

Actually – yes.  Yes it is.  It just started to get a lil fun, exciting even. Cause,

Alright,

It’s that time.

Disjuncture is finally read.  I only read it 8 times, polished again and again.  And sure, the word count’s higher than I hoped, but it’s a good story, and my baby.

I just compiled a list of every individual agent I’m interested in.  I’ve also, for the first time ever, decided to jump into a twitter presence.  Long story short, oh, I’m back, literary world’s going to be hearing a shitton from me.

I’ve got multiple format styles reader for query (and have a clear favorite.)  I’m not really planning on using templates though, because that’s whack.   Agents are people too.  Also attending conferences, yadda ya,

I’m doing the 12 hour attention span thing. Like, the only thing that made me realize that time passed was Aminal getting on my (nekked) lap and being cuddleriffic and the change in sunlight.  But, no time.  Watch me do this harder than any date/college/university/job application gambit, ever.

Long story short.  I’m hyped. I’m feeling prepared.  It will show in my handshake.  Let’s shoot for some professional bookmaking, finally.

#NeverGiveUp
#BarelyStarted
#WillDoItTillIWin

Ya know,

I’m sending query letters again and decided something to make it feel more authentic and easier: break a shit-ton of rules and guidelines.  Honestly, a generic query ain’t typical of the voice and worker an agent or editor would be working with, so I’m gonna take a risk and vote against taking a generic and business tone.

Just do it.  If you fail, review, revise, send more.