I’ve been playing with of three main ideas I’ve been living around more and more lately that I think I’m up for 3am finger vomiting:

Rant 1: The Best Pretension is No Pretensions – You can still mine gold

Accept it: we don’t read novels as much anymore.  Print’s coming back a little, but compared to the proportion of literate folks, we’re reading like illiterates again.

And this isn’t a high horse tirade – cause there’re some cool reasons for this! It’s obvious, if you go check almost any high school Social Studies paper it’s clear: der media is changing.

And with this, I feel like it’s time to drop some pretensions (and for the sake of rhyme, maybe even replace them with superior apprehensions):
Whatever you do, the way I see it in the end it’s all similar, cause we’re all fucking layers and our talents revolve around manipulating the fibers in said layers.   And sure, we’re all different layers obviously, but layers regardless. We’re people trying to tap into deeper ways to live, or we’re people who feel like we’ve already got it figured out and uh, usually not. (Rude awakenings seem to hit these folks at points.)

Hey, my favorite old men haven’t stopped learning or thinking.

Taping these layers reveals and illuminates more of them.  And separately, learning which layers to share even becomes a big ole skill. Learning how to share ’em are new skillsets too.

Some people have the ability to see the simplest summations and impress those summations over a pile of layers.  (the “Answer is ____ why am I still thinking about this!” folks) Sometimes that’s helpful for smoooooth decision making and a great talent! It’s often good in moral decisions (or in making us feel better about them.)  Needed, especially in urgent situations, while othertime’s the same trait’s oversimplifying, and makes people shrewd and short sighted.

Some have the ability to see the trees as a forest, then see dynamic bigger picture stuff without the elements.  We see combinations of these layers, we see multiple layers, we see complexity and can see how it mixes and stirs and folds.  This is usually good for science, or cooking, or stuff with complexities.  It is bad when you have to simplify, unless you’re a really good simplificist — which is so rare I had to make it up as a D&D class, just now.

And some people can switch it up.
But here’s the relevant point: maybe Shia Lebooboo’s doing it totally badassly by dancing with a little girl in a cage.

Because if you’re tapping, your version of tapping that works for you, WILL also work for someone else, just not in a way you expect, and almost certainly not in the same way it worked for you. Of course tapping layers makes you super weird, but it also sets you apart and contributes your awesomeness to humanity: Shia’s Lebooboo probably moved someone else by trying. It makes him more interesting and a better person than what any reality star’s done for you. And again, yep he’s a super weird guy cause he does stunts lately that try and enjoy tapping .  This doesn’t apply to everyone.

For me the bottom line is life, leads to life, leads to life, leads to life. And creation, destruction, reassembly (Although especially the first two) well that is life. Tap well into one circle of what makes yours, and it’ll bleed into others.  Will elaborate, but generally what I mean is food => books => movies => sentiments => music = books => forever.  You can put that in whatever order, but the principal of the paradigm remains if you look at any element:  I’m pretty sure I’d be a crappy cook if my soul only wanted to cook. I’m pretty sure I’ve become a much better cook after watching some crappy and not so crappy things on a glowing screens.

And I’m pretty sure those days where I worked hard just to make money for me, and then went home to consume it . . . well that probably felt like lather rinse repeat for a reason. I think growing up involves evolution and growing responsibilities, whatever those may be. My example of ironic stunting: I’ve had a couple careers I think could’ve been super stable, but made me less adult in some weird ways — I let myself feel seriously there and found myself finding little room for growth.  Lather rinse repeat. And woe if you work in one of those environments that practices control by threatening your soap.  In this metaphor, people are supposed to live comfortably scrubbed: not washing all the time.

Y’know, propaedeutic is still a great word, and while this isn’t what it means, what it results in is if something feels good and captivating: there’s a good reason for it. Some of us get this way with different crafts and trades, and I feel there’s an ethical obligation to pursue said captivation if you can make the leisure for it.

I’ve been supporting things like, friends getting new strange goals (stand up most comes to mind) families, wanting to do career goals, and it’s occurred to me that the main thing I’m looking to support is that soul stuff.  Honestly, don’t die, don’t hurt, don’t go homeless, only introduce life you do care for, and honestly from there I just don’t care how you pay your bills. Make stuff though or want a reaction? That’s nifty, and happy to talk about it. But this isn’t always usual! Sometimes we get too caught up with status, or some odd consumption to appreciate the simple things which makes complexities frikkin’ fun.

I believe today that a spiritually fulfilled person has figured out their ways of teasing out and interacting with the universe’s layers.  This applies in terms of people, your science, your god, yer art, really.  First example: good psychologist gets off in parsing apart the layers that make us people – there’s a mental zone here some can enter.

A good painter – from Alex Grey to say, this Mr Braddix feller – seem able to turn elements of color into some amazingly complex designs and collages.  I think we get the idea.  So what I’m leading to is:

People, we don’t read as much because the new world order is here.  It’s on youtube and HBO.   It’s through google and chromecast.  It’s on smart phones. It’s in our music and in our desktops and pads and laptops: its in our access, and its how they can intertwine.

Of course we won’t just have an interest in books when there’s all these awesome ways to tap.  It’s why we don’t read more than say, 40 years ago.

And all people have these layers, and will never be perfectly predictable until their entire lives and current being are understood, which aint happening – we don’t even have that privilege with ourselves. This isn’t to mystify psychology, but it’s to say respecting something that gives you insight into a person’s being is gaining insight into one of those layers. This ends up making the world so much richer than a universe where say, someone hates you because they’re born in the axis of evil where evil people just spawn.  People don’t work that way. You wanna overcome tribulations of humanity – culture-wide, or even just in your personal life?  Yer gonna need to understand layers.  This is where GOOD books, movies, music, moods, foods and etc come in handy.  For lots, it’s the entire point.

And regarding our tapping activities – our serious past-times, our hobbies that we embrace with captivation and talent -every once in a while you meet that someone who see’s you’re into something and then they think they know enough about you, or whatever you’re into that this exposure leaves them feeling like there’s something to tout over you.  (The person who laughs at your erotica collection – fuck ’em, then count the number of orgasms.  Then compare to lover who doesn’t.  Boom, science.)   Yet that gloat? That’s a pretension. The good news though: if you’re actually doing it right, that pretensions totally their loss and I’ve seen that play out more than once – nearly infinity times.

What this boils down to: I think 30 years ago you COULD tell that someone was an interesting kind of people extrovert by their TASTE in books.  If they had one, and if they liked fiction centralized around deep character morays, you could usually guess safely that this was a deeper person who appreciated more layers in life than say, a guy who yells FOOTBALLLLLLL.  (Except before this before the 50’s when it wasn’t the case, and philosophy aspired to making the everyman the ubermensch) Heck, yelling FOOOOOTBALLLL used to even be diametrically opposed to reading books for whatever goddang reason. Because yes, jocks are defined by their pretensions.

Today, that person who only appreciates their exact taste in book is being a pretentious turdmonger.

Meanwhile, today it’s different. That guy yelling FOOTBALLLLLLLL may be fresh from a research binge.   Mostly this’s because of access and time.  So I’m also gonna pretend it’s an empiricized fact: Fantasy football players today have higher football IQ’s than 15 year old kids in the 60’s. We can also consume copious amounts of smut – and I didn’t just mean porn, but that too – while also do some REALLY AWESOME THINGS.  And as long as we’re also doing really awesome things, a little bit of smutty enjoy on the side is usually just that.
So just keep tapping, whatever you do.  This’ll introduce you to better layers of humanity in weird ways as you discover growth.

This rant ends with: Some of us create music and sounds.  Some of us create other elements.  Some of us wield ’em together.   Some of us watch trashy movies, some watch great complex movies.  Some of us can eat general tsos forever, and some start to feel like crap unless they cook up something fierce. There are probably reasons for these differences but as long as everyone taps and shares appropriately, the world’s gonna get better and better in terms of humanity — excluding scary global warming.

So if you dance, (donce donce donce) well, dance. Just don’t be a pretentious ninny English major about it.  And if you cook, cook. Or you crochet, knit, draw, click, whatever.   This’s great cause heck you can even game – some of them are deep now. The point is to get into that zone, because I argue they all contribute to each other.  Music adds to movies which ads to writing which ads to life which ads to movies.  The time of “Do you even____” is over.  “Do you also____” is in.

To me the idea is take pride and try to do good, and the world SHOULD be a better place than if you’re a mindless consumer trying to fit within other people’s neat but caked cheese-cloth view of the world, and you might make something awesome in the process.

(Or you might not.  I dunno, and if you scroll through this blog you’ll notice I never once actually claimed to be smart or always right.  That’s how you know you can trust me.)

Rant 2: Also: You Tap =/= Letting Others Tell You If You’re Tapping

I’m going to use Disjuncture as an example:
Disjuncture has always been in longer-word range for any novel of my backing.  Being aware of this made me want to cut things.  Like not IRL – in real life I just wanted to set things on fire.  I meant from its story.  Like, “Ooooh, perhaps this elevator scene is extra . .. perhaps this homeless guy is extra . . . .perhaps this transport scene is extra . . . .perhaps this test is extra. . . .” (This happens if you incorporate layers of ideas, which guess what, is probably great for novels.)

But then I looked at those “extra” scenes and, except for the stuff I didn’t, the material made me go “hey wait this is kind of nifty and establishes ____ and sets up for ___” and I kept what I did.  The result was still long, and the cuts I made didn’t make my book much shorter, so I failed and had some readers tell me what they thought.

And this was a mistake.  Heck at this point I’ve even paid a guy to tell me his opinion on the weight of scenes.  NEO!  Now that I’m becoming a big boy this feels super clear to me:  If I can’t do that myself, I don’t deserve to plot.  And it’s sick because I can.  I think I was being less focused and confident a year ago.  And I think real confidence is a thing you learn, or a delusion you acclimate with.

But you just don’t draw a face and ask other people to tell you if they like the nose.  You draw a face cause something in you decided it was a great idea to draw a face and you do your best. If it crosses that line and taps, then share.

And in terms of character and plotting, I’ve gotten to the point where I strongly feel the world of Disjuncture is better than the game of thrones show, except judging by the current seasons, Disjuncture’s also much more succinct and tied together. If I feel that way I should have born the confidence to press forward without bothering people with it until it’s anything but a bother.

My thinking is this is how humans stop other humans from the tap: with unfettered opinion.  When it comes to other’s opinions of your tap, feedback is one thing and usually good, but relying on an audience as a validating crutch to tell you you’re still upright is also weak. And if you’re in an area where you want to be professional, it’s probably also a ridiculous practice to just survey!

So here’s what I see today – cause I’m in that scary place again where it’s finally about time to sell so of course I want to polish polish before I start firing new queries with inclusive word counts that could be lower: when you’re your best critic, that practice coalesces with perception, then ends with work that resolves in yer best confidence.  That’s the power of being your strongest critic.  The best . . . sure, let’s say artist . . .is not necessarily the one who’s the proudest of their creation, or even has the most money making or famous creation, I’d say it’s the creator who knows their capability’s and creation’s worth, and pushes that mark. Philip K Dick was a hell of an author, but look at his actual life.  And yet he still tops lots of modern plots, and we’re still discovering his work’s value.

So you’ve got to be your best critique.  Sometimes this may mean be your toughest critic, but moreoever, it means you know you’re doing what you’re doing, and doing your best at doing it at yer best, and then building on that.  That thing I did where I sought others opinions? Ya, great, at a later stage if I want to go there.  Yet I think that voice where I review my work and know the good or the bad, that’s part of the job.  I don’t want fan-readers – they’re horrible critics because fan is the root of fanatic.  And as sweet as most people’s intentions have always been (maybe with a stray exception, but whatever) I don’t really want author feedback from someone who really is just a reader.

The plot is matured.  It’s great.  It’s awesome.  It’s tied together really fuckin’ well and I’m not even the only one, or the last one to think so! Plot and character are personally why I love the story, both feed into each other, and every event ties into character, and every character ties into event.  Lastly, the plot isn’t an ever expanding mess and that’s a big deal: the length is justified.  I work still to trim it – but that nonsense of “Hey what do you think of_____”
Well right now I’ve gotten to a phase where it’s like, if you want to have opinions about drafts, write yer own book, or wait till I’m done!  Unless you’re a professional I’m working with, you’re honestly just another opinion, and this work should be mastered by mine first. I know how that sounds and it’s not meant to be belittling – just, I think that’s work –  that’s my job at this point.

Rant 3)

In support of pal’s stand up goal:
Went to some stand-up today, for some reason I always draw extra attention from stage guy and was asked what I do.
“I write stuff.” I smiled and elaborated when asked.
I didn’t want to mention books (but shared a couple recent articles that I could plug funnily -like the dating website, here’s some material bro)
He joked and moved on to my cousin who just got back from Taiwan.
“Oh, nothing really,” Cuzzo said.
And while I wondered why he didn’t mention that he just got back for cool points, or was starting his job tomorrow, I let him go with it. We weren’t there for cool points.
“Oh, I see why you two get along.” He pointed to the two of us.
I laughed.  It was a fun crowd and the guy was nervous and needed a go. I didn’t really mind either, and one of my plugs was brought up repeatedly by follow up commedians (YOU’RE WELCOME MESH.) I can’t feel insulted,
but it’s kind of funny how “I write stuff” = “oh nothing really”  until write stuff guy starts throwing credits. I mean if I said “I write code” boom, assumptions galore. But I know freelancing coders – they don’t get the same judgement as freelance writers.

And I don’t wanna start throwing credits cause I don’t want  – fact is I’m currently working to be more stable as, let’s be honest I’d be insane to be perfectly happy and planning to stay this way – you can’t chase a dragon forever and maybe sometimes it takes an Egg-hander to make danny a danny. And remember, cool adults also earn and count their moneys, and even every once in a while people who write stuff also get to partake in that.  ( Someone’s clearly never listened to Cayanne.)

And on that note, yes I still love the projects I’ve been doing. These calmer moods are making me realize I couldn’t have hit certain strides as much with split time, which means what I want is honestly the type of life you can’t do well until you give it a true and real shot. It’s not perfect, not for everyone, maybe it’s not admirable in all the ways cause I sure wish it was always a hell of a lot more stable, but that comes with success and time, and sometimes it’s a territory where you only know you’re gonna be succesful if you try.  For some things in life I have all the balls/stupidity to try: this remains one of them.

Rant 4)

I’ve noticed my grammar is still haphazard in a few sticky areas.  I currently shoot to write more polished drafts, and this is different than BLARGHYBLARGH WRITE FOR ERIC ethos where I was like, “eh if it’s good it could be edited later.”  That’s still the case – but that idea where you’ll hire an editor sounds batshit insane nowadays. Seriously, while we read less and there’re more books than ever: I’m pretty sure now is the time to try and sell perfectly polished manuscripts more than ones that need edits, more than ever before. The supply is flooded and the demand is down – only fine, done scotch sells well in those liquor market conditions.

So grammar has been the biggest thing I could work on in the last month. And here’re two facts that explains why I’m not a dumb-dumb, despite not yet ranking perfect at grammar.
1) I’m not a total asshole.  Studies show that if you get too caught up on how people are saying instead of what they intend to say, you’re an asshole, and I’ve always rathered see why people are smart than why they’re dumb. Like seriously, if yer caught on the fact that I just said the word rathered, you missed that point, which is the point.
2) More seriously, when yer passionate about precise point and tone, you don’t focus and then discipline those things as hard, but still, as with anything, slow and constant willing to learn goes a long way. I can write a book and it needs way less editing on stupid things now, and I like that. The fact was I just needed more serious exposure and practice. And I just wrote a rant about access: so that’s really just been more a matter of making the time.

Mmkay that was fun. No mo’ typey rambly rants especially about typing – until I do again. Gnight!

Am no master of ze universe, still trying to enjoy my best and all,

but I’ve learned that working on your best at the right things creates a habit of calmly working at your best, which is nice

So I’m gonna make fun of my own bad writing, cause this is what happens when your self-awareness and writing improves – editing the toughest part of disjuncture makes me wanna:

“More than a little he would tarry not, for fear of things. Fear of repetition. The repetition of words. In a place, where, he was so sad. And more words, that distract you, from my awesome story, in a voice, that is probably ripped out of other voices, but isn’t mine. Cyrre was super pissed.”

Also, pornhub has a semi-new catagory of “For women” and, this is interesting: I clicked through a bunch, and all I’m gonna say is they seem to be women making the same objectifying comments about the dude as men make about pornstars tits n sheet.

(It’s also a lil special in that it’s not just stereotypical porn, at least not yet.)

The criteria of for women seems to involve guys with greek-god bodies, or trendy guy in/around college type of vibes.  Bearded dudes also seemed to be in the huge MINORITY.   (And this is the only thing that made this make sense to me: I read studies indicating that gals are most attracted to smooth-featured, clean shaven men when they’re much higher on estrogen than testosterone, and that gals preferences do change throughout their cycle for this reason.  As I’m not a gal, who knows, it’s just a thing I read, but it would make sense to me that gals are pr0n hunting when horniest, which is PROBABLY most during testosterone phases, which is PROBABLY great news for horney dudes who don’t do the rugged look.  I guess if yer rugged, yer supposed to be more assertive and have more initiative if you wanna get it on.  Different strokes.  Who knows.)

Anyway, THE COMMENTS!  Made me suspect that the objectification of traits we’re attracted to might be a people – not engendered – thing to do.  (I mean, lots of us connote the word objectification with something like “Men objectify women” right?   Like that’s one of the first phrases we’re primed to consider when looking at that word out of context, I think.)
And as I believe guys come off as piggy when they say things like “nice tips” or an inappropriate”I can’t get past [not passed] her lips”   However, the comments in “for girls” = pretty solid evidence that it’s something EVERYONE will do when they’re in greasy pornhop mode and under a shroud of anonymity of the interwebz.

Perhaps guys were liberated about learning the tastes of their sexual appetites (appe-tits) a lil earlier hmmm?

Just pr0n for thought / junk that’s probably not smart or most safely shared on other media.

Also, “Porn movement going digital” is a fun phrase if you remember that digital used to mean as manipulated by yer fingers. No one but the dorkiest are gonna appreciate that soon.  Ah well.

Back to work!

Yo when I said safe spaces are awesome, I just meant a space where we don’t have to accept policing as a valid practice. Like “I don’t aggress against my minister in church when something’s uttered I don’t fully agree with.”  For example, a minister has the right to tell me to stone someone cause they’re working on the sabbath in his place of worship, but if there’s a brunch after and he asks me what I thought – it’s 100% reasaonble to open up a discussion.

It’s simple as that, cause discussion still is king.  Yo, safe space doesn’t mean everyone must love and appreciate the entities in your space or be quiet about it.  Screw that entitlement.  I write all sorts of crap all the time, I’m not sure I’d appreciate being admired for every, itty bitty word I wrote – some of it’s got to have flaws!

Just, this phrase that’s becoming a cliche that’s getting quickly ruined for meh – it means you won’t be put under attack.  People ought to remember that being challenged, being asked to elaborate, and being attacked to be controlled (policed) are toooootally different. If you can not, please choose a career in a hard technical field – because you won’t enjoy liberal fields and I suspect you’d bring your embitterment with.

Cut the bullshit (unless it’s funny!)

Also, share things that’re funny with people who’ll probably find them funny.

Being positive is more powerful than being negative.

Just because something is called Fight Song doesn’t make it the best fight song.

JUST DO THE WORK.

. . . . .then enjoy things around that work.

^Ya found that resulted in more work, right?  That’s good.  Do work there too.

Empiricism is the best ism.

Don’t stop.  Belieeeevin’!

KEEP WORKING TOWARDS IMPROBABLE THINGS. You’ll find the last leg of said impossible thing is probably not something you’ll let yourself give up in.  (I’m at a point in editing where every passed page is a growing percent of completion and it feels amazeballs.)

Do not EVER lose your honesty. Cut away from those who’d discourage it. Blunt people are often some of the most elite – or at least among those who get maximal comeuppances.

People think about maximal comeuppances all the time, yet probably go lifetimes without using that phrase and that’s their loss.

If you like tomato juice try this: v8, olives, cayenne, and limes. Get the goods and mix together. You’ll want to thank me later.

Cheap =/= affordable.   stingy =/= austere. Smart shoppers get the tools more often than they are the tools.

We all have distinctions and super powers we’re not aware of.  BEING aware of said power is ANOTHER super power.   With greater super powers comes  . . . . something something something. .. .ah fuck it.. . . .DO THE WORK.

Some people have bad judgements and you shouldn’t let theirs overrule, or let it make you feel some way that’ll cloud your judgement.   If you go to a high density situation: this fact will quickly reveal itself.  So remember, empathy is good — except when it leads to idealizing things that go against yer gut. In that case a healthy sense of skepticism is probably just that: healthy.

Learning how to give reasonable responses to zany happenings is part of growing up well. Getting past them to enjoy what comes after is big reward in itself.

Passed vs Past doesn’t need a complicated grammar lesson.  Past is the one that can be an adverb, or a proposition.   Passed is the only one that’s exclusively verb or adjective, and referring to that thing you do with a football.  Knowing this makes reading things like “. . . .quickly, passed his head went the goal post” Or “She was past his grief” slightly funny.

TWD comics are pretty solid.  The show is more meh.  Not to try to be a snob, that’s my honest opinion – there’re drastic, gorey, dramatic differences between the two and I like the comic’s pacing better.

Elders SHOULD be somewhat venerated, their lives respected and probably admired, but it should also be expected that they need more help and patience.  Cause mentally – even for the exceptionally sharp and organized, our abilities to retain and process information / hold multiple points will diminish.  So enjoy it while you can, and quit expecting people who’re above 65 to be the best authorities on fast happenings.

Tom Cruise will prevent disaster in every movie by running, but is still too short to make a good Cyrre.

Find people who out-dorks you.   Then work to outdork them.   It is superior to the way of the jedi.

Enjoy life in a way that you can’t hear the phrase “Like a small boat” without smirking.

Haters hate things about their own lives more than they hate you.   Enjoy yourself and let ’em be pissed.  Like even mentioning the haters gets kinda weak fast (oops)

Sometimes girls are grossed out by finding out a friend’s had a foursome.   I don’t have to understand why (but still kind of wanna!)

If you buy v8 every day and mention it once on facebook messenger, your newsfeed will populate with ads about the farmers who make v8 possible and v8 car engines, and we’re getting so used to it that that’s not even goddang creepy anymore!

Making big waves doesn’t always mean emotion.

We don’t have to be right about everything we think about, but we should probably at some point reconsider everything we think about.

I’m pretty sure emotional trauma can lead to mild ptsd, as that’d explain a wee bit about how people react after repeated b.s. – there tend to be lots of parallels in the case report outcomes for war vets / people who’ve just gotten sick of yer shit. Fun fact though, I think the most efficacious treatment with ptsd so far is still classical reconditioning – which means repeated exposures to similar stimuli where the subject learns that they’re still ok, and the flashes eventually go extinct.  This means if you wanna claim ptsd cause someone disagrees with you and then goes into emotional abuse, learn to discuss with sane people more.  In short, catering to the dysfunctional associations might make things worse.

Also, giving amateur diagnoseseseses is kinda super-douchey. (Having suspicions and adapting behavior is wayyyyy different than trying to tell someone they’ve got clinical pathologies, and it’s probably a bad idea to openly voice said suspicions thereof at all, or without a buttload of tact.)   This is a shame for psych majors because it’s saying you shouldn’t give amateur diagnosesseseses until you’re a pro, which also means being an amateaur until your a pro.  I think the quick fix would be shatting up and considering amateaur diagnosesesesese, but not giving them.

Cursing is fuckin useful sometimes, but counterproductive when not agreeing with control freaks. When dealing with those, calm and cool is waaaay more fuggin useful.

Fair’s fair oh internet denizens who’re generally more salty:  I’m updating urbandictionary and making cuntsplaining a word. (I’m also confident it should be less offensive than “womansplaining” or “mansplaining.”) Touche.

When you identify differences about someone else, you’ll hear their voice in your head when reading their words more distinctly.

Confirmed: Most adults ARE faking it.

Sometimes we get older and less fit, and yet sometimes age ages in ways that we become more willing to fight unrighteous things even harder.

Producers probably want you to like Eugene so it’s more dramatic to say goodbye.  I’d prefer the follow what’s already canonized though.

It’s not video games or producers that’re really dumbing down awesome tropes in movies or tv.   It’s the people who actually put money into these things.   It’s the preferences of the PAYING part of the audience, and the business model in entertainment promoting a catering to that which is resulting in a great dumb-down.  Same thing with the music industry.

Junkie XL is a boss and I miss the late 90’s / early 2000’s cool music vibes.

19 is pretty dang young nowadays.

Alcohol is werse fer yer brain than most things.

Except being unable to laugh is even worse.

And being unable to laugh with alcohols = da very wurst.

That’s it for now.  Back to percentageseseses

1. Of all the contemporary “I’m super entitled to have my feeling catered to” lingo, I found one I like: safe spaces ARE awesome.  I consider my writing space a safe space. I’ve always treated it as one and had to learn online blogs aren’t. Some of us are dicks though, and still treat out publically available blogs as safe spaces, and THAT’S something I admire.

2. I should hire a scottish person to tell silly people who wanna police my blog to fook off.  Scots ungreasing people who are screwey is one of the best things ever..

3. Riding the subway last week, and had to put my book down because two midtown gals had gotten on and were talking in that Glottal-stopping, “like like like” multi-octave way of gossiping that was too intrusive.  (I tried but couldn’t focus.)  I expected to overhear crap that was vapid gossip about their personal lives, and couldn’t help but hear out every single word.

But I got a nugget: something I didn’t expect against the backdrop of their conversation.  It started when one said “So . . . . Billy did have to move out. And he wasn’t a bad guy at all, it was just best and,”
“But wasn’t he like, reclusive and a downer all the time?”
“Well, he was going through a serious break up, you know? People are different when it’s a real break-up.”

And this crossed with an article I read recently – we break up a lot more today than before.  My stepdad-dude’s family is WONDERFUL – I really appreciate them.  I also think his dad met his mom in high school I think, and they became sweethearts and got married.  This is something that happens a lot more outside nyc.

Well, being a feely weird investing turdy year old as I am, I’ve gone through just less than a few splits.  But I’ve also gone through my own share – a lil more than usual when compared to “geet married to high school sweetheart” cultures.

And what I will note is, each heart-ache changes a person. It depends how we handle it.  Sometimes we get stuck in a phase of anger, or grief, or acceptance.  Sometimes it turns out we didn’t really care or feel attracted enough to invest in the first place and nonchalantly move on, but for those of us who form a real emotional bond .  . .. well I’ll say it is certainly a really big mutating period of time afterwards.  I’d say some people improve, some people CHANGE (increase some traits, decrease others) some people BREAK.  Like permanently lose some steam out of their self-esteeem and overcompensate, and in my experience end up being a lil less fun.  Some.

I know men (and women, but we’re less surprised about this from gals – and maybe strange media like Danity Kane’s “Damaged” is partially to blame for this) who are very withheld on really sharing themselves after break ups.  They have to get it through the break up fog – “You DO have awesome traits.  You SHOULDN’T stop evolving them, and you CANT stop sharing yourself with people who’ll have a reciprical boon for yor doing so.”   To ME they were more charismatic and gung-ho in college/high school, cause they didn’t learn how much the burn can feel.   That sort of hurt is a “OMG MY FEELINGS HURT” that’s pretty novel to a first timer at any age – I think.   And as an indirect result of the male version of “damaged” – I know dudes who game, and don’t know how to date, cause gaming is certainly safer.  (No, I don’t mean cool video games.  I mean being nothing more than a fuck boy to womenz and drawing the relationship to them line there exclusively.)  And the ways to respond to them break ups don’t end there: I know dudes who get overly attached, dudes who have serious trust issues, dudes who stalk, dudes who are lesser men than their past selves because they’re trying to prove to their selves that they’re better than that version who got dumped.

So ya, Billy was in a dark place. Billy has to find his own light.  But seeming cool to the girl gossiping about his personality on the train probably wasn’t very high on his list to Billy, as Billy probably didn’t feel very cool.

Anyway, this is all injection and anecdotal bull.  This is all my experience.  This applies to PEOPLE – both genders: I genuinely think in a culture of entitled date for love AND practicality AND because something’s wrong with you if someone’s not falling in love with you, where we live longer, divorce more, break up more, marry later, judge and react harder than ever, share EVERYTHING, have a digitized persona . . . that these livers who loved their lovers since high school are a lil less educated in heart ache.   I think heart ache is a PHYSIOLOGICAL thing – it’s been shown medically to increase cardiac stress a LOT.  Like a disgusting amount. It definitely changes the chemicals that surge our daily psychology, that’s for sure.   More dramatically: people who’ve been married to one partner most of their lives DO tend to die within a few months after losing one partner.  There are many reasons for this – and it’s not a hard and fast rule.

But what I’m saying is, heart ache is an experience.  It’s part of the human experience to form a genuine emotional bond, and it’s part of the human experience to HURT when that’s taken away.  It’s part of the human experience to change, see things more negatively, look within, MAYBE see what you ought to improve, maybe feel sad or anger around the periods of grief.  It’s absurd to expect a completely cold and cool response – so I say good for Billy! Let that fucker be a lil sad!  And good for the understanding roommate!  That was GOOD empathy that gave her insight to not be a judgemental discarder of Billy, and it completely betrayed what you might expect to hear from a gal who speaks in poly-octave glottal stops. Cause sometimes, even our best intentioned friends think you should just be positive, and I’ll wager Billy felt depressed.  People who can not make things worse are great, and it’s super important to see that in a roommate – it sounded like this midtown gal had the insight to know how to do that, and I appreciated hearing this. Even over my good book.

TLDR: I do think we have a world now where older folks ARE getting more educated in anti-ideal heartbreak.  I think the number of break-ups people in cities go through throughout their lives is increasing dramatically.   And I know from my few splits that each was different, and handled a little differently.   This makes me think we learn to adjust to heartbreak differently.  And that makes me wonder if that percentage of long-term couples who at the end of life possess near-concordant death certificates will stay the same. Only time will tell.

But that’s my rant of the day.  Back to work.

This is a lil personal, but just how the brain’s musing before I get to story time.

I don’t really admire a certain family member.  This makes me sadder, then cold to point out.  He’s done goofed so many times, I feel like I’m a pretty easy guy to get to know, I have a low tolerance for people who manipulate information, or subjugate it to their ego, and make that step more important than y’know . . . the integrity of information. That kinda thing drives me nuts.  Further, it occurs to me that this individual is a bit crippling and negatively critical when it comes to their finding things to say.

These are horrible things to feel and recognize.  Especially about family . . . especially when you don’t want to.  To me the word horrible gets used, cause it’s a horrible reality with folks like this that if you DON’T recognize these things – respect them, in my vocabulary – that I’ll set myself up to get screwed over and used up. It’s been a VERY clear  and consistent pattern that this is what this person does..

I’m a bit too old for “waah waah I don’t like someone society n nature predispose me to love.”  So let’s compromise and do that without the wah’s, cause that’s the case.

It’s making me think a lot about respect.  I’ve known for a lil while now that my definition of respect is different in that it’s more acknowledgement – “To show regard or consideration for.”    Most of us grow up learning respect as a form of courtesy. While politeness is a form of respect – it acknowledges that we all have feelings and opens and welcomes communication without obfuscating it with negatives – I’m still pretty sure it’s not the same thing.

Cause see, I’ve learned courtesy too.  That came with society, mock trial, and being a weirdo just trying to get along.  Also for some reason Chinese-American roommate Peter Lo was a great example of courtesy in college.  He didn’t admire many people he was still courteous too. And that, in addition to his being able to beat me at 3rd strike, and his ability to have a laugh, are the main things I appreciate about him.  Somehow he’s become one of the most judgemental guys layered in politeness, and in college he managed very well by enjoying his own time and company and not relying on others from what I can tell.   Seemed healthy, I appreciate this.

Meanwhile, dumb ole me’s been spelling it “Curtesy” until an hour ago.  The word is obviously rooted in courting.  Hooray, polite society.

Well, I like and stand by my definition.  I also think courtesy > rudeness. . . . but only sometimes.  Like I do love rudeness, I fuckin love people who enthusiastically tell it like it is, and they’re often rude.  I love my buddies I can talk smack with.  I love the ones who’re so respectable that I can make a game out of saying horrible, atrocious things and it’s just so ridiculous it’s funny.  And that’s a fuckin rude thing to do, and yet we still share the love. That’s awesome.

I also appreciate a person who’ll tell you “go fuck yerself” MUCH more than someone who’ll knife you in the back.  Like waaaaay more.  The Go Fuck Yourself person is very likely to be easier to work with, and a direct communicator, and it’s probably super likely that if they’re getting destructive there’ve been an ass-ton of warnings.  These are traits of someone who’s more likely to work with you when they’re not feeling like disregarding you (Or, or, they’re a nutter and a psycho.  Cause they’ll disregard you too.)

But what’s a point to consider – respect – is that the first definition of respect is to esteem or honor.  Many places DEFINE respect as a positive regard.

Well . . . . I use honor in that place.  And honor’s such an old school topic.  You’ll sound like a klingon or a barbarian or some sorta hoot if you start talking about honor. But that’s the word I use when I think about the type of respect most people want.

(I suspect that people who can’t parse respect and admiration also confuse profanity with cursing. Anyone who watches south park knows that there’re much greater degrees of profane behaviors and attitudes than a lil shitty fuckidy fuck fuck.)

Anyway . .  . .so I’d have to say the ultimate disrespect is pretending someone doesn’t exist. Ignoring them. Murderlize their significance. It can be, but not by definition being rude. To me, if something bothers you enough that you want to call it out, well, you respect it enough that it’s unlikability is disturbing.  That’s how I see it.

Which doesn’t mean a whole lot in the end.  It’s just a semantic argument. But I do think – and this’s the theory part I’m gonna live by as an experiment to see how it works – but I think if you respect things you don’t like, say feeds on facebook that’re filled with things that inspire dismay, but you spend so much time perusing anyway, if you constantly expose yerself to a manipulative person and respect how manipulative they are underneath their layers of stories, if you constantly respect a job that you actively acknowledge is bs on top of bs and respect the money from it that doesn’t satisfy you . . .  well I think it gets in the way of letting your brain focus on things you actually do respect.  I’d even say that there kills a lot of creativity.

Or maybe that’s just me going wah wah and doing that thing I’m not supposed to do by the age I am.   Ah well.

But the point still stands, esteem, admiration – these regards ultimately inspire more positivity.  They polarize ideals in such a way that they lift sentiment, and set it in a way that you’ll be happy to see and generate more of that.  This is one reason I really like a society with honor.   This is why klingons are motivated to do so many pushups.  Warriors have honor.  Can America go back to being a bunch of guys who were obsessed with honor and shit?  Honor > business.  I mean, business came FROM honor, not the other way around capitalists.  Gosh.

But that converse of admiration – things we don’t like? Just the opposite of positive inspiration.  I’d argue we spend our days habituating our brains about what to respect. If we acclimate towards environments and conditions that brew resentment more than admiration, well that positive inspiration is gonna be crap now, isn’t it?  Instead of approach and nurture behaviors, it’s only logical from here that you’ll end up with squelch and withdraw.

Spose that’s the major reason why I don’t spend my free time fact checking Donald Trump.