Why is it actually getting harder to find privacy settings on blogs? I don’t mean this vaguely, or in any passive aggressive way.  It’s just that writing a private online thingy accessable from any device is nice.

Bit tired some more

playing pokemon moon a lot.  My luck of the cell ran out and PoGo also became way, way less interesting after catching them all.  It’s not a thrill people.  PvP in itself is interesting though. Just not for the game.  The actual DS’s.

There’s a lot to be said for enjoying 90% of a weekend horizontal right now.  I don’t lurv going out.

Having to deal with some ratchet living issues is making me take action.   I’m not the type to sit idly, or politely folks. Never, ever, ever, ever let it be said that I am not assertive and direct.  Consequential too.

Being consequential isn’t ideal tho: ideally, you’ll initiate the system.  The canned phrase is that you’ll shift the paradigm.

Ever notice my website name?  I enjoy it.

Four weeks ago I thought it was a big struggle to move things I casually lurch to and fro today.  I’ve gotten a mentality of I can probably, more than can it.  This is a nice feel that comes with physical strength.

Dont’ really have much more to say than that.  Thanks Obama.

Yo, it’s awesome music tahm.

Yes it is.

Goddamn Queeny, that’s some real hard, deep goddamn rage.  It’s not normally felt by people.  I have no opinion as to whether or not it’s a good or bad thing.

I really, really do wish though, that it was a sensitivity that was validated positively, instead of negatively. I’m not urging to “correct” anything because it may actually not be a correction — for all I know said wrath is relating points that are fair and shouldn’t be trifled with.

I just do also know that ideally, an ability to feel and express something so deeply and profoundly ought to swing both ways.

In the end, I wish the way thangs swang made you love life’s moments more than experiencing such a profoundly vindicative yargh.

(I also feel like my idiocies make me too much of a target to even try and contribute smartly anymore.)

(I also wish swang was a word.)

_______________________________________________________________

I’m seeing that things can be done more optimally at this job.  I put in some words exemplifying exactly how. I honestly hope it leads to good things and not resentment. I kind of had to do it while between tasks, and on the move.  I don’t really trust people though. Should I?

_________________________________________________________________

Here’s some rambly bullshit sentences which I think are unrelated to all of the above. It’ll continue a gratuitous use of the word I….maybe.

You know what it means to look into a little narrow box?

(I say this as I type into a little white box)

It means you don’t see the rest.

Let’s talk about Overwatch, and sniping in general.

If you try out all the classes, it becomes clear that the way you look through your lense is a BIG determiner in who you’ll target, and what you’re react to.   This means that the best snipers do NOT spend all their time scoped and zoomed in.

Overwatch has a character named Ana.  I believe that the most elite and best ana’s spend most of their time not zoomed in and exploiting a comfortable position.  Being able to react to the big picture makes you the biggest factor in a match.  That’s the point that overwatch proves again and again.

In Global Agenda, one of the things that made me better than most people I think was my tendency during clusterfuck fights to “take a breath” by flying in the air and doing a 360.   I was able to retain the full circle of what was happening around me, decide my priorities, then go in for the kill

(Which also happens to be a GREAT song by Le Roux)

Now zooming in has it’s benefits, and this is where it can be obnoxious trying to decide between the two.  Zooming in has it’s advantages of seeing detail.  Focusing.  Doing your best within that one narrow drillhole.

But the big picture, and knowing when to zoom in, was always the way of the most powerful players.

This I think applies to real life a whole, whole lot.  I like overwatch because you can correct mistakes.  You get to respawn.  But you don’t get to do this in real life a whole lot, unless you see certain experiences and opportunities as disposable.  That sucks, cause I honestly think each and every second has the capability to be unique.

So here’s a thing I think my gut’s against.   Seeing patterns in a zoomed in way.   It means shrewd.   Shrewd kind of sucks —  I’m told I have a way of using shrewd as a slur, when I think I’m using it precisely.  Shrewd means zoomed in to me.   People who are shrewd have a zoomed in view of life.  And you have to be careful with how you engage them because you might get caught in their box.

But here’s the other thing: every good team is REALLY benefited by an amazingly shrewd person.  That’s the sniper.

And a sniper needs support in most situations.

Basically, not everyone needs to see things the same way.  And it’s best when people can sample each other’s views and see where their talented way of looking at things fits in most with the team’s dynamic. When this happens, it’s like magic, and shit is efficient and lovely.   Then you can really start having fun.

Guess I’m always wondering how to most have fun in a kickass team.

__________________________________________________

Also, new pet peeve, because I hate how Donald Trump represents the word “presidential.” (I gave him a chance, but fuck that guy.)

Anyone who says “No one _____ more than me.”

It suggests that this man has evaluated every candidate person who could fill in that blank, and somehow disqualified them from somehow being smarter or better, and that you should trust him.

It’s the type of rhetoric that tries to confuse the listener, in what are vain attempts to make them mistake arrogance, for confidence.  Confident people do things, because they’re confident.  Confident people are honorable — they make words like honorable look good.

Little bitches who need to rely on cheap tactics like that to increase their value ….man… I wish it never worked. Sure as hell turns me off though.  And it’s not even just trump I hear talking like this, but he’s unfortunately way guilty of it, too.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*Eats all the things*

It’s very important to point out that I get to type this with my cat’s head on my left typing hand and this makes me super happy and only the cat can take this away from me.  ONLY THE CAT.  And I ❤ this cat.

J: “One of the things I first liked about you is how much you love your cat?”
E: “???”
J: Look at your cat.
E: *Looks at cat. Cat looks back.*
J: “SEE YOU CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT SMILING.”
E: *Tries not to smile then actually begins man-crying because the I-love-this-cat smile has begun leaking through fucking eyeballs.*

Anyway,

title is because I’ve been working my as off for the past couple of months and could not take a week to rest before a marathon if I wanted.  Glycogen is a really cool secret of long distance runners.  It’s also something that takes food and time to build. Lately        I have tons of the former.  Less of the latter.  Why?

(the cat made those extra spacebars.  We’re keeping them.  Deal with it.)

Because SIX sources of income in the last six/sex/six weeks or so.  (First time I’m bragging is here, because it’s inappropriate to get gloaty about this fact.) I had to set a cash motive to cover some goals.  I’ve been on it – in fact this may be the most I’ve did that thing that technically can constitute hustling super well! (You’ve got to read that in your best white guy voice.) And some are more fun than others. Got to produce:

:http://brianmccarthyinterviewshow.libsyn.com/

with THE Brian McCarthy (and no I didn’t know he was a former porn director in addition to being THE Brian McCarthy, but that also explains a lot)

(^But it’s ok cause he’s now legally blind / didn’t find out I wasn’t white until the podcast started, and that’s way funnier.  I also kind of came off like a big ole douche in that episode, but it was a hell of a unique experience and Brian’s a hell of a unique guy who probly could’ve been a great attorney with the way he questions.)

I also got to help with a beer company’s next design for a poster I shouldn’t talk about yet.

Plus, aside from stuff like tutoring, I’ve have been busting my ass to help this warehouse get this order together, e’rry day. That’s the full time and regular.  (Big benefit to daily work) While this daily routine is intended to not be what I end up doing, I really like having a day job that’s straight up, and cut out hard work.  I like an attitude of “Fuck yo politics.  Here are results.  Money plz.  Bai.”

(I want someone to tell me I don’t work hard.  Tell me I don’t know a day’s hard work.  If I’ve got it left in my I’d probably chuckyoo.)

(Speaking of chucking folks I can throw way more now, too! It’s actually useful.)

So about this gig… one quick thing I guess I can point out, well not it uber clear how gyms are kind of a privilege symbol for most of the people who try memberships without being told to get one by some doc.  I say this because I’ve sold away my right to be idle enough to feel like going to the gym.  (Buddy almost got me involved in a half marathon, then didn’t, because I almost laughed and he saw it.) It’s safe to say I’m beat after a hard day.

This’s also going to make me sound like a lunk, but I even chose to buy protein powder for the first time a couple weeks ago. This is necessary when you’re moving literally tons and tons a day. I’ve been craving meat like nothing else — a stupid amount — and it didn’t stop until I had a double foamy chocoshake.

Anyway this’s a good ole America kind of work.  The stuff we sell is necessary to keep this country going.  We’re an important step in getting that out.  I like how that alone is a wordy description for what the job is. This’s unlike another jerb I’m thinking of, but don’t want to get really into.  +you learn that while as a warehouse guy – there’s a lot of are you able to lift / do you know how to lift / POWERDRILL! / construct / deconstruct / palette / Forklift / stuff.  My favorite part has so far been that the people I work with are work oriented. The feeling is like riding in a brand shiny new car when you feel like your coworkers are there to do a job, and do it as jobly as a pro should do it until it’s time to head home.

Plus, the whole point of busting my ass is coming into fruition. Now, visiting my buddy in tx is going to work out. Hawaii = going to be a thing too! I’m really, reheally looking forward to exploring some new roots and horizons on the southern most point in this gaddang nation.

But here’s something I’ve had to get off my chest after working while listening to :

all day

I’ve randomly realized: of all the characters on Naruto, gonna have to pick Jariya as who I’m most like, or would idealize being.  Sasuke, Naruto, or the lazy shadow-controller have been broached before, but here’s my very important thinking on this very crucial topic:

Naruto and Sasuke are largely about talent and loyalty.  Naruto is capable and focused, and naturally talented at having lots of energy and endurance. He’s less talented at anything else, and has to work harder to get to a high level of anything.  He does.  He works insanely hard.  He’s also relentlessly loyal.  Relentlessly.  You can betray him openly, and he still loves you until you love him for it.  This is actually his superpower.

Sasuke is about loyalty only to yourself and your cause.  Sasuke is actually psychopathic in how he handles his stance on loyalty.  He’s tried to kill his allies more than half the time. He’s tried to do so proactively, and practically.  Sasuke is also ridiculously talented at all the things to the point that it’s not fair.  He’s also super cool until it’s revealed that he’s insanely hot headed and warm breathed, but those moments’re kind of respectable and furious too.

Well, I’m not like either of these characters.

Regarding talent and hard work – hey there’s both.  I’m just not sure I’d work to get a shadow clone technique in after proving utterly talentless at it unoriginally, unless it was super important.  Off the top of my head, I think I’d sort of want to focus hard work into my strengths (even if they’re toads) instead of trying to transform my weakness into one of my main strengths.  But I’m also not sure I’ve experienced that sort of feeling of ineptness, and can only think of swimming (I sink more than most people) and pulls ups as a kid…..

(I know, those’re lame examples because life isn’t fair.)

I’m not like Naruto in that there’s no way I can see a practical cause to unrelenting loyalty. Sometimes people suck. I would not call them friend once I see how it’s a type of suck that is hurtful.  I feel like that’s alright as a universal philosophy, but also know enough to know there might even be a better attitude than that. I’d also most love to follow my own path and interests.   I don’t want to be a part of an order I feel is disordered. I also don’t want to spend my life in the pursuit of a vendetta.  I think life comes packaged with the potential for so many pleasures, +so many unique gifts.  I definitely think it’s best to use your unique gifts to the fullest, but mostly so you can go recharge and really enjoy yourself after doing the right thing a lot.  This means I wouldn’t kill a friend to activate my super power.

So contrary from N & S, that all fits in with the pervy sage’s MO.

Further, aside from his fixation on steamy baths, he even wants to chug out some writing he did on the side.  Yeah, he’s insanely talented, but what’s great is he’s actually a fucking nut.  He uses toads yo, toads, in weird fricken ways.  He is a rasingan master, which is significant because it’s a technique that represents a pretty goddamn innovative use of forces to an effective result.  He’s more of a badass teacher than anything else as his role on the show, but he’s a teacher who’s like “k gluck love you bai!” after having as good as a time as was practical for him during that mentor experience. He’s sensitive but a man.  And the only way to take him down of course is to be a betraying piece of shit.
Man, fuck you Pain.
Jerk face.

But Big-J is a smart and benevolent pervy self-taught teacher guy.  It’s more that other people say how great he is more than he’s all like “I’m one of the three sannin suck it!” (Although ok he rarely does that.)   He’s a relatable gandalf, and personality wise?  I think he’s where it’s at as a perfect old guy.  He’s the naruto character who’s the bestest, on a show with a shit ton of good character.

Now with all that finally said no where, I’m still really enjoying having disjuncture to look at summore. This is just what I’m gonna do right now, because I’m time poor (I miss pc and production work but can do more of that later) and have to feed my mum’s cat in two hours. This is another day I simply don’t get to Overwatch.  Crap.
Remember, if I look at Disjuncture and enjoy it, it barely makes me worse than Khyan.
Bai now.

I have a video up on my latest belief about why amateurs are beyootiful (I just wanted to see how hard it is to make a cartoon

answer: it’s intensive)

But since I’ve come to the idealization that amateurs should be CONFIDENT amateurs, because as long as they know they love what they’re doing, they’re successful amateurs.  And the kickass part about loving what you love, is that it’s a drive that comes from within.  I’ve met driven professionals who are driven by external rewards.  Their consciousness about life and things progress – pretty pliable stuff.   I’ve met people I’ll call artists, who are bullheaded and stubborn like whoa.   Such really is the power of the internal drive.

Anyway,

I’m working on disjuncture because it felt right (fucking, calming activity, that) and I’ve got a new lens about people I guess.  A lot of artistic grandiosity relies on an assumption that others are in love with the same things you are.  So like, as the dreamer, I love my protagonist. Pretty much if it’s a character who’s got more than a sentence, I love him or her.
But this results in a book that part of me holds back on, and I think it’s because I didn’t shape the product in an audience friendly way.  The modern American audience I think, I THINK, doesn’t lurv to read – they love to skim, they love to know, they love to have read.  They love to confirm, they love to be excited, they LOVE to be entertained, but these things lie on a hierarchy.  It’s why we compound newsfeeds with trashy tv and sometimes two trashy tv’s at once. (IS THIS A NORMAL THING PEOPLE DO OR ARE THESE SPECIAL CASES.  SERIOUSLY, TWO VIDEOS AT ONCE, OR DOING THINGS WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE SEEMS TO BE GETTING MORE AND MORE NORMALIZED AND ITS AMAZEBALLS)

Anyway, I’ve been touching up languages, presentations, tailoring, it all feels gaddamn good man, but I realized, being a lil less love-lensed about whom I identify as the protagonist (It’s been quite a while.)  This results in a reread of his first three pages in a reaction of going “Yeah, he’s too emo.”  That’s my reaction, and I know it deep down in my fuzzy soul that it’s true.  It’ll turn off a lot of readers too, which is less important than it turns ME off tbh, cause I’m the brilliant amateur who’s job it is to love this.

Well it makes me actually feel existential.  What are we that we as entities can ascribe superlatives such as “too emo” ?   imagine telling someone they’re “too sad”  or “too opinionated” or “too hyperbolic” as if there’s an appropriate amount of hyperbolic.

I think, we’re talking about evolved preferences – I think I’m ACTUALLY talking about an applied self-awareness that….this isn’t how a compelling person presents their self.   Just as an idea, “Ok, Cyrre, I love fucked up things a, b, and c, but you are being heavy handed by applying all three and drowning the pages in them.”

My solution ofc isn’t to take away these conflicts.  That is NOT how I make this character less emo.  The same conflicts are 100% as there after my edits.  But i think now it’s a much more enjoyable read in that the presentation of these conflicts is smoother, vaguer, invites the reader in and draws them in, instead of turning into this human donkey that for three pages is whining “HOPESLESSSLYLSYSAAAAAAAD”

When you’re in love with a thing, it’s tough to be objective about figuring out how to make it more captivating because you already find it captivating.  I guess it’s like another angle of sculpting a personal reality when you got at it from different lenses.  And I seem to genuinely love doing this.  Thasshow n00blove turns into amateur.

If you’re a n00b and don’t have the love, yer just wasting your own and perhaps other people’s time.

(Oh and if anyone would try to derride you for this love, they deserve zero fucks given.)

mmkay I think that’s it for a while

Points for winning guesses

1) Grandfather helps boy from Wonder Years discover kissing ain’t so bad.

2) Niles from Kramer makes a young Ice Man really, really regret drinking red wine.

3) Nick Cage goes WHOA before entering, leaving, and staying within 50 yards of boxing ring.

4) Anti-semite enters mexican prison to actualize white savior fantasy / fulfill single mother’s desire to exist next to him on beach.

5) Benecio Del Toro will fuck you up unless pursued by some guy who caught the fugitive.

6) Hugh Jackman turns every computer into a VR simulator then hacks into pentagon so John Travolta quits testing him with blowjobs.

7) Russel Crowe knows he’s entertaining.

8) Entire city’s had it with law enforcement’s practice of shooting disenfranchised suspects after minimal allegations of criminal behavior in what’s NOT 2016’s America.

8) Alan Rickman is way too talented for this shit then goes to place where you simply can’t bother him again. (RIP)

9) Bunch of people circle jerk in order to get you to re-evaluate society’s priorities.

10) Receptacle for male sexual desire is kidnapped by a black jazz singer in dirty south and morally re-alligned into marrying Justin Timberlake.

Well uh, Captain Sisko was a black guy. Captain Janeway was a woman. I could care less that you’re casting a black woman to be the lead in some new star trek series. I’d care more if it will have good writing and bring back a show about futurism and idealism. (Y’know, that stuff Enterprise was missing.)

But maybe getting excited about a black chick being the subject of plot focus, is neither futuristic or ideal. I understand Nichelle Nichols, who played Ohura, was going to quit until MLK personally convinced her how her role was groundbreaking, and wonder if this “omg first black woman lead!” headline floating around today (exactly 50 years) = thinking that’s actually progressive. Like how different is that really than say, watching a teenager make baby steps.

I’ve been learning to deal with problem personalities by focusing on actual problems.  It gives a sense of accomplishment when you knock said problem down, and a sense of purpose and direction when you ID the problem.  Feelings themselves, rarely a problem, unless there’s some real….special thing going on.    Problems which also lead to feelings, well, that’s obviously the problem.  (I’m becoming an interesting figure in family, and had to settle a legal dispute involving a dumbass and my stocks that he fucked up lately.)

That aside,

I’ve definitely picked up a skillset (that you can see here http://www.youtube.com/cearce) when it comes to video editing.  Like, not saying I’m hollywood, or pro-youtuber, but it’s been REAL NICE learning what goes into amateur to pro vids.   I have a lot to say on it, but don’t feel like saying it all.  It is however, another way to communicate, engage an audience, or entertain.  I also think it’s a more powerful medium than books.

Some neat self-awareness things too: I started out editing vids where each minute = about an hour of editing.  (I can rip out a vid that I think is entertaining in MUCH less time now, or still take forever and get something with a lot of tricks in it.  I like doing both every once in a while.   I also focused on pokemon because I figured it was a focus that had an audience, it helped me stay clear of the politics that make me feel like I have something to say, but really, is a topic makes us all dumber, and because I had a love affair for PoGo for a few months that’s only recently starting to calm down.)

When you do dis, there’s a LOT of listening to yourself or getting sick of your own stupid face — I don’t care how full of yourself you are, it’s overexposure because most people are programmed to feel like it’s overexposure, and only a very extreme personality type wouldn’t.

So stuff like the pitch of my voice, pacing, ticks – lot more evident.   Anyone who wants to do anything public, I recommend editing videos of yourself – you’ll definitely learn something.

Speaking of books, I’m not clinging to illusions that America is a machine that wants to consume things like…. good books.  The top 5 movement is happening with books, and there are scary things about the better sellers on Amazon that makes me realize difference between professionals and dreamers – even if the dreamers are talented.  These are not things to take too seriously, cause they don’t change too much beyond one of my long-term goals.
First thing to cover: while it is true that more people are reading and even consuming and buying books than ever, that’s a skewed statistic.  Common sense tells me that’s because there’re more americans than ever, and yes more LITERATE Americans than ever, and more americans with 5$ to blow than ever.  The reality though, is it’s MUCH easier to spend the day behind a computer screen.   I can’t be the only one who thinks, at least 5x a week, that Socrates spoke about a civilization that wanted to watch skewed shadows on the cave wall all day.    Like I know that’s weird, but that dang tale has to resonate with someone else.  I also can’t be the only one who wonders like, oh gee, I wonder why the cave people would violently exile that guy who wants to draw attention to a bigger picture – can’t be, I deny it 4eva, because being that critical philosopher is always being that constructively deconstructive pain in the ass.
(Btw, my favorite thinkers have always been more self-reliant, self-contained, bother nobody, but interesting because they are innately interesting, types.   You don’t have to have to abrasively share a douchey perspective to go philo)

This does mean that I’m a little less passionate about sharing those visions of disjuncture I had — I had and DID succesfully pen ’em years ago, and have something I’m happy to share today.  This does mean that I wonder if I’m a responsible person if I continue writer pursuits to the “ERP” degree.  I say this because ERP is ambitious, but personal more than valid until it’s not, and I do want to be a responsible person – I’ve met too many irresponsible people, and I don’t want to be the kind of person who pisses me off.   To go into why unnecessarily: if so it’d mean I’ll have a shitty bearing of the world cause I’ll constantly have to rewrite events involving myself, or just feel bad all the time.    (I’ve met people who are the type of people who piss themselves off, imo, those are their only two alternatives every time.)  That’s all a lot of energy.

Hey here’s a cool quote that’s semi-random: “If the past seems bad to you, you must be improving.”

Anyway, disjuncture-wise, MY vision of disjuncture involves depressing homeless interactions for an extra thousand words, or a guy trying to pick up chicks via manipulation because that’s how he learned to Man, or emphasizing that social pressure combined with a twisted personal drive can motivate people to try porn for a living, or uber-AI’s that’re really more like sincere, unthreatened, autistically savant children who will LEARN deceit because humans REQUIRE an illusion of compliance for unthreatened, peaceful coexistence, and ultimately maybe threats come from where we create them, and so on…..fak, now that I’m going over these elements I’m all “Newp, this vision’s great.”   They’re darling to meh, but I figure I’m gonna do two things these days:

1)  Get a new, big boy job.   Because money will make me a more powerful American……and that’ll give me the illusion of compliance with the status quo of this bluster-nation.  Sure, that makes sense.

2)  Maybe, if I want to see it sell, trim more darlings from disjuncure.   I’ll try and be more humble about my feelings, because I think part of the job of writer is realizing what PEOPLE want to read. For someone like me, I genuinely think 110k words is a MUCH easier sell than the vision I typed.  It’s just something I’m going to consider if I want to take further shots at that dream — and it’s something to think about.

3) Be the man.  Regarding that youtube thing, yesterday I had FUN by sharing my unscripted, gods-honest opinion.  I also didn’t expect it to be socially validated, or even super well received (I made a couple choices.)    And because I did it for fun, guess what, I had fun.  Ain’t nobahdy who can take that away.  Having that kind of empowerment makes one the man.  Or the woMan.  Whatever.

Blah, to the blah, to the blah.
This’s when I head home.
Bye Felicia.

Pokemon GO isn’t addictive. I can stop anytime I wa-OH MY GAWD IS THAT A SNORLAX!?!

Spent night going whee/spanking gyms