I wonder if 40% of people’s internet use is dominated by the compulsion to laugh.

There’s a shit-ton to say on that that I’m not gonna.

But I will point out that feelings of tranquility or that reward and satisfaction from deep processing seems more and more valuable over the giggle that can take over the top of our throats.

I’m coming up with a theory that I wonder would come into good practicality for how I seek to dishapwine.  You know that stereotype of artists who hate their own work?

I have a theory: it’s not that they hate their work, but that they’re sick of it. Here’s why I think it’d be good for me to get sick of my own thing, and maybe it’d explain why my addictive personality has a place.

I’ve met some artists (I’m thinking of a couple graphic designers) who are nearly egomaniac-status.  They’re very prone to interrupt anyone, talk over, even a little haughty.  IMO they’re not super dishapwined because one of them lacks a portfolio and the other one has a lacking portfolio and both of these are not representative of their capabilities, and these joes don’t finish projects. That’s just a part of their history and how I’ve known them as friends, and why I think they’re not more successful, really.  That makes them a pain to work with compared to the tons and tons of talent out there who’d jump at the chance and kill themselves over it.

The American market is saturated with creatives! When you’re dealing with saturations, only chance or special properties will help you rise to the top.

Anyway, when you get really dishapwined, i think it might get a little more than passion spurns you. I found an old blog recently and read 50 pages of it…..which was only like 6 entries.  The writing was ENGAGED.  I’m not going to say engaging, because it was more about being engaged.  It’s engaging if that’s what you’re into and if you have you’re motives or the patience to sift to some cool points.  A lot of people will want to giggle more, though.

So like, let’s take one of the more successful fiction dorks of our time: RA Salvatore.  He is sick of his main character that launched him into bestseller-if-his-name’s-on-the-book status. I’ll wager he’s poured over 10k hours into that idea/character/idea and playing with it, and then tweaking it.

The thing that made this main character so readable was it reads like water if you have a decent vocabulary.  It’s the same reason Harry Potter reads so well.  It’s also the same reason Rocky 1 watches so well.  It’s gone through so many edits and toys and obsessive processing that it’s a product of a lot of discipline more than self-indulgent “NARRRRRRRRRR!”

So, yeah, that demon voice that’s inside most of us and is a bit self-mocking – self-aware of how we make ourselves vulnerable to mocking – it’s picky.  It gets a say more than ego and passion. It makes me really critical when I evaluate my own stuff to the point that I almost feel like I dislike it.

Almost.

but I don’t.

I wonder if many parents feel like liking their kid is beside the point until their kid learns the discipline which will take them far as good productive people.

Something wonderful doesn’t have to be something pleasant even most of the time, so I could see that.

I don’t know.  Just wonderings.  Just blatherings that aren’t quite gibberings. Words for company I like better than most company.

I’m gonna go work out now and think about Chicago and my sister’s ceremony of choice.

I’ve set 20 pages a day of edits and I’ve been making it EVERY DAY (sometimes more)

I wake up and drink coffee and don’t do anything else until it’s done.

I’m not even rushing. It’s just getting easier every day and I wanted to share.

Will be reviewed with this current project after 5 more days.

I hate to say it, but in my growing older-fart ways of the world;

I kinda have a stereotype for a man-sprout.  It’s between 25-35. It’s had a parent who acted more of an emotional assassin than a parent.  It cuts people off because it hasn’t learned to listen last.  It BS’s more than uses real reason, because the man-sprout has learned that authority and being a bigger kahuna > actual reason. It’s self-aggrandizing.  It’s unsure, uncertain, overcompensating, and always looking for others to see value within. It doesn’t know how to lead anything but minions.

Basically, good dads raise great men. Dumbass ones who are good at only a few things and use their children to elevate the status of their own tradition, create man-sprouts.

I think the thing with gals traditionally – and I’m sure many wouldn’t love this belief – is that they traditionally are allowed to take a quieter, second, less leading-role. It’s even expected, often. So they don’t have this drive as frequently compelling them to fake lead all the time. That just maybe they’re not a responsible member of their own gender unless they’re alpha, like pa-pa was.  The thing is, when you teach how to be alpha by bitching a human out….well that bitch might just get confused, and RATCHET in trying to be big kahuna.

There’s a sort of person who has to be the big fish.  They can’t even realize how tiny the soup they swim in, really is.

I’ve had some resentment over a couple fellows I used to tightly ally with, who won’t expand beyond being this way. You make a suggestion on how to improve something, and they see it as a threat towards their exercised standing. They cut people off. They BS. They DONT FINISH THINGS THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO.  I’m thinking of a couple of guys I’ve given at least 30 chances too (never give someone more chances than you have years on the planet) before deciding “Ah fuck’m.” and moving on to do my thing. And it makes me realize that these are EXTREMELY different fellows with these same commonalities. And honestly, yes, their parents seemed to suck.  And now that we’ve all hit 30, I can see the ways they haven’t grown up is similar.  I don’t know how I’m not supposed to realize these thoughts. I think the best I can do is get cold about these feels, NOT get reactive (these are things that make me want to unfacebook. [OMGERD, UNFACEBOOKING!]) I think the best I can do is allow myself to realize these feels cause, seriously, said man-sprouts have had equal trouble with the law, lost close friends for similar reasons, or failed at maintaining a solid gf, and again I think it’s for similar reasons.

In the end, I think my mind does classify people into class – like most of us.  I don’t get elitist about it because good company is preferred over classy company. And the way I consider class is, how capable do you allow yourself to be, and what kind of people can you work with. I think one of the strengths of someone like Bill Gates is, he can work with people who are MUCH, MUCH smarter than him. Someone who’s nearly autistic but has such a specialty that Gates will work in smart ways to allow that value to shine through – the way he considers things if you listen to his interviews, it’s not hero worship to realize, Bill Gates is much classier than a LOT of people who get high amounts of air-time today.  And for me, what I just pointed out is exactly why. You’ll notice Mr. Gates doesn’t have to cut people off, and that his patience is actually more of an act of temperance, then merely waiting for his turn.

So I’m gonna get back to my plot, but I think the thought of this morning is I’m unfortunately, as usual, gonna allow myself to realize and think. I think it’s not a sin to do this about one’s friends if you’re doing it coldly and not to hurt folks.  Especially if you are looking out for yourself in the end (it’s good to realize traits to avoid or work around in work groups, yo.)

I dunno, blah blah blah, that’s it for me and back to plot-plot.

I’ve got a buddy who is worried they are dying on the inside every day, because they’re less fearful every day.  I’ve interpreted them as getting less passionate.

And we’re gonna ignore for a second, the fact that he’s a near-autistic satanist with social skills.  We’re not going to ignore that he’s got a drinking problem. He’s the type of guy who as soon as he’s around a bottle of liquor, he’s gonna get his lips around it until that bottle’s on empty. Then he gets blacked-out and starts playing “fight or fuck” with everyone.

I don’t think the last part’s funny. (I’m a fuck! My cousin’s a fight.)

I don’t think the satanism part is relevant.

I do think alcoholism scrunches up your brain and make it look more like a rat’s. I think smarter people smoke pot, more than get drunk. (I also think the smartest people are screwy when sober.)

But I mean that — look at images of an alcoholic’s brain on google, and compare it to a rats.  Tell me that looks like your good ole wide-forebrained simian counterpart. Go ahead, lie to yourself and tell me.  This is America, and that means you can if you wanna.

But I think it’s an oversimplification to say alcohol = less feeling.  (But I think it’s correct — that’s what alcohol does.)  It numbs you to certain brain inhibitions you’d normally experience. It allows you to feel latent feelings more strongly by not inhibiting them, but otherwise, it’s a poison.

I’ve been having to temper my own drinking lately because Jaidree like, brings home booze after work cause I’ll cook and that’s nice, and apparently I can drink like a fish, if that fish were very big, and had a lot of muscle tissue (did you know that muscle tissue = much more blood concentrates and plasma = much harder to reach a higher BAC? Now factor in height and practice and a still-healthy liver.)  I’ve noticed that my ability to give a shit and live in my own little world is definitely lessened during a hangover (which, I never used to get in the days where I barely drank) it’s lessened while I’m tipsy, it’s just generally lessened by alcohol. Clearly.

So back to the point. I’ve got an acquaintance who’s increasingly afraid he’s becoming more psychotic, less especially himself, because the concept of fear is becoming more and more elusive.  Again, I think he’s becoming less passionate. I think alcohol definitely tempers your passion. Makes you more uni-minded and unlatently emotional about your passions.

And I’ve got some distracting stories about having seen him drunk and acting like a major ass. Propositioning things that are dangerous and risky (and not thought out.)  Challenging fights which should not be challenged.

But those are still essentially drunk-ass antics, that distract from the point. I’ve got an acquaintance who is dying on the inside– some neuronal connections that made him excite, are getting less excitatory.

And I still think it’s an oversimplification to say you can blame ze booze.

There are reasons people drink. You have to learn to drink a lot, I think. You CAN learn temperance at an early age, I believe in that still, but subconsciously you also have to learn to binge, and I’m not sure that’s a thing people really teach themselves. I think the inhibited emotion bit comes into play there. I think we all have our reasons for drinking deeply, or we don’t. We focus on something better if we can. At least I think so.

I think one of the scariest parts of growing older is realizing, you may be less alive. You can fear, and fear your lack of fear, but I think the passion and excitement gets worn and wearied out. I think there’s a reason action movies and fiction appeals most to kids.

For me it’s not alcohol I’m worried about, but stupid contentious shit, compounded by the tranquility of giggling at stupid not-contentious shit has in conjunction. I’m saying if you go on facebook and see a bunch of people mad about the latest protests – which maybe, I dunno, maybe they should be, especially if one side did have permits (you stupid, stupid president fuck) – if you have issues with how your family manages itself and lack the sovereignty to correct it decently, if you have contentions from work and feel underappreciated and see that your life’s management is shit, and instead of trying to take control you drink a lot and do anything that makes you feel giggly, and feel those endogenous opiods release and go “shhhhh, it’s ok each breath does not bring you stress relaaaaax”

well I think that’s how you learn to let your forebrain die, and all the childhood fun and wee that goes with it.  I’ll bet dimes to dollars there’re a lot of dopaminergic and serotinergic connections within that sucker that’re well missed.

I’m saying, when they’re not exercised and drank and overthought into apoptosis, people remember those connections.  They miss them.  Then they lament the absence of their own youth.

I am pursuing my dream every day.

I may not catch it. That should be ok.

I had the potential to try, and do.

It’s funny, the disparity between feeling indifferent and acting that way sometimes.

It’s funny how saying little to nothing is typically the perfect amount.

I’m finding it’s harder and harder to pay attention to action movies. I’m finding it’s harder to care, or follow a line when my brain is searching for relevance. I’m finding that more and more, people analyze things in a moral vacuum, and forsake differing individuality. I’m finding a lot of folks have a sense of ego that filters their world, and that while they use it to tool out what to pay attention to, it often tools them.

These aren’t criticisms anymore. I’ve learned to watch and go back to Jaidree and then we share there. I think I’m giving up a bit on trying to further outside causes. There are still things that are precious. Looking out for one’s interests is where it’s at. What one’s interested in may be something else.

I’m middle aged now. There’re trees in the northeast which change their leaves seasonally, but otherwise seem unchanging. All changes in a sapling are way more dramatic.

I’ve reckoned so many self-images folks have that end the end, seem like echoes of nothing. What counts is action.

So I try to accomplish. I do.

It’s better than nothing. Definitely better than an echo.

I feel like making war against stupids.

But stupids isn’t the right word.

Stupifiers.

I guess there was a time that it seemed like someone who could put someone else in a stupefied state had a certain kind of power. Let’s say you’re amazing on something like …..So You Think You Can Dance.  Chances are you’ve stunned a portion of the audience with yer movement, cause that’s what it takes.  Being able to induce a stupor in your audience seems like, maybe that’s a positive.

But today I’m all “Nah.

That aint Stupefaction.”

Let’s tease this apart: that feel you get from a good dancer is inspiration. That’s wow.   Wow is one of the parts of being stupefied.  Inspiration is not.

I’m deciding today that folks who stupefy, halt and shunt the intelligent centers of another’s being — those gears that’d turn and help to actualize another — I hate them.  They’re anti-individual.  And it’s funny because, everyone belongs to a class, everyone belongs to a race, and everyone has their own spiritual ideology, yet it’s a fanatic of one of these things who are often the biggest proponents of individual-eating.

An individual can tell that they’re encountering one such fanatic when they honestly listen, and feel stupefied.

It’s different than being shocked into halting and paying attention to an individual with sweetass moves.

When you watch those amazing dancers and are wow’d — to the point that you’re frozen and FEEL like saying you’ve been stupefied — I argue that you’re processing for your body to do the same.  Check the skaters in video above.  Chances are, your feelings are a mix of many things, one of which being putting yourself in their skates and realizing a differential in talent.

That’s not being stupefied though.  That’s realizing something.

Nope, stupefiers have a stupid-ass view of the world, and they infect others with it.

A use of intelligence around an aggressive stupefier will be halted, then have to back track.  It will have to stop all foward progress and get itself out of that stupid ditch.  Talented stupefiers, they will put mud on the tires of your metaphorical brain-car and it takes a certain kind of prepared intelligence to put mental kitty litters to get yourself out.

Perfect example: Almost anytime Trump runs on blowhard.

I have a buddy who made a wonderful point about how Pride month is less about bumming dudes, as much as respecting / not disrespecting another’s individuality.
That’s really the point here too.

That thar is the point to me, always.  We need to remember that we’re a society of individuals. I think the greatest sin a human can have is precluding the individuality of another which was not actually harmful or bad, and actually would have lead to enjoyment.  It’s like, a basic definition of Good and Evil.  And I like that, because it’s simple, but applies deeply.  The opposite of good is not a black dressed “I AM ARCH, HA! HA! HA!”  Like, that’s really rare, and few people who’re guilty of repetitive evils actually think they’re evil.  Lots of people who commit grave sins are super self-justified (dangerous game there) and too stupid to see what they’re actually doing.

The opposite of good = the opposite of the heartedness that would facilitate a better humanity.

So let’s walk away from this point of individuality, to the other side.  What do these blackhearted, unhappy evil fucks out there see people as, if not individuals?

I start to think: Havers.

I’m believing these tools see people as havers.

“He has a job with X prestige and probably X salary.  He has a relationship with X chance for bearing children, because having X children gives you X points on your death’s score card.  He has X property.  He has X vacation.  He has X personality traits which he used to obtain the power he has in X domains of his existence.”

This must be how I come across to people who are satisfied with these inferred answers after hearing things like “Oh he works in finance and his prospects appear to be ____” and walk away.

Fucking koont. Sucked into the dark side and I doubt they know it.

They have an impact of only wanting to hear scores, and they suck at parties.  I think they’re pretty much the main reason I don’t want to go to your party — cause I’m not certain you won’t have people out there like that.

I want it to be common sense that there are people with BA’s out there who have contributed to their field more than advanced degrees. I understand the point of an advanced degree is to help parse out the greater contributors, and help CLEARLY demarcate who’s supposed to be more advanced, but the fact is not always.

Havers of an English Ph. D generally do not write the world’s most amazing fiction.  Not even close.  They study those guys who got a BA — if that — all the time though. There’re Ph.D’s who got their research ideas from a BA thinking from left field. There’re great programmers who barely completed formal college, and your doctor’s organization is based on their App.

I want people to use this common sense to take an interest in the actual work of an individual, or to touch instead on other things they’re actually interested in with other individuals.

Some people think that’s an amazing way to relate.

Havers of individuality make and push the world. I’m afraid even I have family who doesn’t know how to register that.  I’m guessing that’s the case most of the time. And even believing that, I want to kick and scream at it as a first reflex, and then I have to practice indifference.

Look at my indifference.
I don’t care about your indifference.
(I guess it’s a shame that your indifference means you are not one of the people who should be reading about my indifference.)
This entry is fun.

But yeah,

Old White America seems like it used to keep life days as points on a scorecard, to see if God will accept your existence at the end and reward you by putting you in a place where you’re on Molly all the time, and some of those people you liked in life may or may not be there.  Why is this such a huge facet of human nature – being ruled by the idea of having these points?

There are obviously other options some of us choose to embrace.

I’ve been playing with the ideas of warm-heartedness, compassion, antagonization and indifference.  These are all emotions that can be actively put up but take energy.  And if they don’t harmonize with one’s internal state, it leads to all sorts of psychological dynamics I still wanna put into paradigms.  I don’t have ’em concretely enough to say ’em here.  But I know these things are all possible answers to those who aggressively see against the way I think I see life. Stupefiers.  Idiots.

Because I really do want to make war with the idiots who say things that stupefy.  People who aren’t dicks, but assholes, and attack others with their terrible ideas in a terrible presentation.

Let me give an example.  Donald Trump will stupefy an opposer by making a bombardment of accusations that often involve proving a negative if you’re to answer with dignity: an impossible feat.

It’s like telling someone they’re just a nobody who doesn’t matter.  (One of our Presidents canned go-to’s.)  This is rhetoric stupefiers will use, because it’s an active disrespect of another’s individuality.  It stupefies that individuality, because what? A person is possibly going to go “WUT, WUT, BUT I AM ____ AND I HAVE ____ AND I MATTER BECAUSE ____.”

No, the smartest individual, in my opinion, will answer calmly and with a compassion for their accusers inability to not be so shortsighed and shrewdly stupifying; OR, they will respond with indifference.

(For the record I’ve only been called a nobody to my face once over the last decade, and it’s by someone I don’t care about.  This isn’t a personal direct response to anything, this is just an Eric playing out this rhetoric.)

I suspect a non-stupifier talking to a supposed “nobody” that they’d respect if they were somebody is more likely to say something like: “You could have done more if ______, no?”

It’s just a way of encouraging growth without using a negative.  You can talk encouragingly to ANYBODY that would stupefy, but inspire more thinking in a way they didn’t consider previously.  That’s why I’d rather call the silly video above inspiring, provocative (pro-vocative: fun-word is fun) — and NOT stupefying.

I think the thing that makes me saddest about America is how many of parents, headlines, goals, and ways of keeping score are stupefying. The worst off American is the one who doesn’t realize that no matter, NO MATTER how great they’ve lived their life, there’s always going to be a stupefier out there who, given the chance, will try and tear them apart with stupefying logic that’ll make them hold less faith, less belief, and less pride in their individual value and accomplishments.

I’ve gotten very lucky to have come from one of the households that I do cause it makes something like this seem more obvious than I believe it is.  I’d like to lend this to the world and give it back, cause I think it’s the only way humans will actually evolve.  We’re not ready for things like….Star Trek ideals because of stupefiers. We need to start seeing the light, and that black-hole goals which are NOT individual goals, is actually bad bullshit.

Why is it actually getting harder to find privacy settings on blogs? I don’t mean this vaguely, or in any passive aggressive way.  It’s just that writing a private online thingy accessable from any device is nice.

Bit tired some more

playing pokemon moon a lot.  My luck of the cell ran out and PoGo also became way, way less interesting after catching them all.  It’s not a thrill people.  PvP in itself is interesting though. Just not for the game.  The actual DS’s.

There’s a lot to be said for enjoying 90% of a weekend horizontal right now.  I don’t lurv going out.

Having to deal with some ratchet living issues is making me take action.   I’m not the type to sit idly, or politely folks. Never, ever, ever, ever let it be said that I am not assertive and direct.  Consequential too.

Being consequential isn’t ideal tho: ideally, you’ll initiate the system.  The canned phrase is that you’ll shift the paradigm.

Ever notice my website name?  I enjoy it.

Four weeks ago I thought it was a big struggle to move things I casually lurch to and fro today.  I’ve gotten a mentality of I can probably, more than can it.  This is a nice feel that comes with physical strength.

Dont’ really have much more to say than that.  Thanks Obama.

Yo, it’s awesome music tahm.

Yes it is.

Goddamn Queeny, that’s some real hard, deep goddamn rage.  It’s not normally felt by people.  I have no opinion as to whether or not it’s a good or bad thing.

I really, really do wish though, that it was a sensitivity that was validated positively, instead of negatively. I’m not urging to “correct” anything because it may actually not be a correction — for all I know said wrath is relating points that are fair and shouldn’t be trifled with.

I just do also know that ideally, an ability to feel and express something so deeply and profoundly ought to swing both ways.

In the end, I wish the way thangs swang made you love life’s moments more than experiencing such a profoundly vindicative yargh.

(I also feel like my idiocies make me too much of a target to even try and contribute smartly anymore.)

(I also wish swang was a word.)

_______________________________________________________________

I’m seeing that things can be done more optimally at this job.  I put in some words exemplifying exactly how. I honestly hope it leads to good things and not resentment. I kind of had to do it while between tasks, and on the move.  I don’t really trust people though. Should I?

_________________________________________________________________

Here’s some rambly bullshit sentences which I think are unrelated to all of the above. It’ll continue a gratuitous use of the word I….maybe.

You know what it means to look into a little narrow box?

(I say this as I type into a little white box)

It means you don’t see the rest.

Let’s talk about Overwatch, and sniping in general.

If you try out all the classes, it becomes clear that the way you look through your lense is a BIG determiner in who you’ll target, and what you’re react to.   This means that the best snipers do NOT spend all their time scoped and zoomed in.

Overwatch has a character named Ana.  I believe that the most elite and best ana’s spend most of their time not zoomed in and exploiting a comfortable position.  Being able to react to the big picture makes you the biggest factor in a match.  That’s the point that overwatch proves again and again.

In Global Agenda, one of the things that made me better than most people I think was my tendency during clusterfuck fights to “take a breath” by flying in the air and doing a 360.   I was able to retain the full circle of what was happening around me, decide my priorities, then go in for the kill

(Which also happens to be a GREAT song by Le Roux)

Now zooming in has it’s benefits, and this is where it can be obnoxious trying to decide between the two.  Zooming in has it’s advantages of seeing detail.  Focusing.  Doing your best within that one narrow drillhole.

But the big picture, and knowing when to zoom in, was always the way of the most powerful players.

This I think applies to real life a whole, whole lot.  I like overwatch because you can correct mistakes.  You get to respawn.  But you don’t get to do this in real life a whole lot, unless you see certain experiences and opportunities as disposable.  That sucks, cause I honestly think each and every second has the capability to be unique.

So here’s a thing I think my gut’s against.   Seeing patterns in a zoomed in way.   It means shrewd.   Shrewd kind of sucks —  I’m told I have a way of using shrewd as a slur, when I think I’m using it precisely.  Shrewd means zoomed in to me.   People who are shrewd have a zoomed in view of life.  And you have to be careful with how you engage them because you might get caught in their box.

But here’s the other thing: every good team is REALLY benefited by an amazingly shrewd person.  That’s the sniper.

And a sniper needs support in most situations.

Basically, not everyone needs to see things the same way.  And it’s best when people can sample each other’s views and see where their talented way of looking at things fits in most with the team’s dynamic. When this happens, it’s like magic, and shit is efficient and lovely.   Then you can really start having fun.

Guess I’m always wondering how to most have fun in a kickass team.

__________________________________________________

Also, new pet peeve, because I hate how Donald Trump represents the word “presidential.” (I gave him a chance, but fuck that guy.)

Anyone who says “No one _____ more than me.”

It suggests that this man has evaluated every candidate person who could fill in that blank, and somehow disqualified them from somehow being smarter or better, and that you should trust him.

It’s the type of rhetoric that tries to confuse the listener, in what are vain attempts to make them mistake arrogance, for confidence.  Confident people do things, because they’re confident.  Confident people are honorable — they make words like honorable look good.

Little bitches who need to rely on cheap tactics like that to increase their value ….man… I wish it never worked. Sure as hell turns me off though.  And it’s not even just trump I hear talking like this, but he’s unfortunately way guilty of it, too.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯