The whole reason I saw my first book published was to investigate if people were reading. I wanted Disjuncture to be “my book” even if I had other books, but it needed work and wanted to learn.

I really wanted to learn if and how much people are reading.

I got the idea from Neil Gaiman.  I took Jaidree to BAM to see him talk with David Handler, and he said it there again: put yourself out there early, because you’ll get feedback and it will prove people are reading.

Except, times are different than when Gaiman got his start.

Come on, it’s common cynical knowledge that Americans are reading facebook and shitty netflix blurbs far more than books.  From my small-time small book experience, I did not get the honest impression that we have many readers out there.  Self-publishing has created a very much flooded market.

(Which of course won’t stop me.)

But reaching out, and touching base to find actual GREAT fiction pro wanting to give the biggest ms yet a good read…..

Man, what a driver.

I don’t have anything more to say than I’m going to keep on keeping on.  But I stayed up all night just reading because now I know there’s someone – people out there – who’ll see its head on the chopping block, and wondering if and where that ax will slip.

There’s someone out there reading with a yes in the brain.  I believe they have the power to open the doors harder.

So in the end, Mr. Gaiman was correct.  You DEFINITELY need to put yourself out there if that knowledge, that feedback, or even that naked idea drives you, as it drives me.  But you don’t want to do it into the void.  Don’t do it on a blog that you keep mostly hidden called Ericisthebest, unless it’s just your play-zone.

Do it at the right people.  Do it to yourself and when you yourself whittle down in motivation, push it and move on.

Even if I get rejected, even if it’s for good reason (if I get rejected – I sure hope it’s for a good reason) man, it’s always really nice to be read seriously by a real serious reader. It’s beyond sharing, and quite an honor.

Submitting to real writing contests.

I’ll share the shorts in a couple of months. I think it might cause complications if they’re posted or published in any medium, but this is something I wished I did earlier.

I mean it.

I think only losers like having won.  And I mean, really like.

Liking the present tense, winning, is a different story. I’ll ‘splain what I mean.

There is a weird phenomena among marathon runners, when they’ve done the race, even within their goal, and depression becomes a thing they’re extra susceptible to.

I understand that.  It’s because the run is over. Something you’ve been so focused on, something you’ve trained your brain to hone neurons over, to release dat serodope in response to performing well regarding, and to think about to a near obsessive level.

It’s over.

Gaming will teach you the same thing, especially multiplayer games.

Often, an everchanging landscape with increasing challenges is key towards longterm playing potential.

In global agenda, with its persistent, exclusive access grids players have to fight for, there becomes a thing where, it’s clear who is the top dog.  In a given night with a given group of people with their given skills and tech, usually, 90% of the time one team is clearly superior.

It’s very, very rare to find a stubborn asshole like me who’s willing to come back as many times “as it takes” and “learn” and grow.

(There were even times I decided it was necessary and made war by occupying a better skilled team’s time so they couldn’t hold off another gang who was even worse than us. This frustrated the players who were “winning” the battles but failing at their goal of retaining land, anyway. #Insurgency

I’m proud of me: not only did we get better than the opposition I’m thinking of within that week, but it takes a lot to rally a consistent group to “lose” with you repeatedly over a couple of hours. Esp. to show up the next night and do it again.

Perhaps I’m as capable of a leader, but more bullheaded than I thought.)

And no this isn’t just about reliving glory days. This is just the point’s build. Because GA was a great experimental concept, which makes GA just a great go-to for a very general point:

GA sucked a couple of days after it was clear my team was the new best. After switches and player pulls, after we were that team who could in theory own every hex on the board, after I platformed from the cash tournament I won, then fucked with global psychology to the point that people didn’t even want to attack us, I broked it.

There was nothing left to do.

That’s where we started jumping into other games, because we knew it. Those 22 guys we maintained as a core and the 7 skilled new guys who were riding our victory bandwagon and I all knew it inside: we had won GA.

It sucked.

There comes a moment after every struggle where a smart person should and will go back and review how they get to where they are.  The same applies for victory.

And it was a great journey. I mean it when I use the word wonderful. But the feeling is the same as today when I look at my neighborhood Pokeyman gyms within a neighborhood of Mystics and Vals:

Stale.

When you win, it’s time to move on and do new things. It’s time to take the skills which generalize, and apply them to snowball at something else with a starting advantage.

That’s really the bottom line.

There are times with social conflicts, where this applies. There are times where animals battle and one submits, and the other creature must think “ok I’m gonna either cross the line from aggression into violence and maybe eat this motherfucker, or I can save my energy and most minimize the risk of freak injury.”  When things are serious, that winner doesn’t run in a circle dabbing for himself . They rest.

When animals at play battle, they pull off before the actual win. They are excited by the impulses they feel inside, rather than the play itself.  And the thing that brings on that excited state is the unplaying thing.

A challenge is not stale. In fact, a conflict is one of the most excited states.

When we don’t see ourselves in a rested state of victory, as the “played” thing, our existence is improved with purpose and that serodope potential that allows us to improve ourselves in some way.

I think we can make our lives most interesting if we work ourselves through our biggest challenges, and never stop never stopping.

Hence, winners are never stuck on the feeling of having won. They might like that feeling when they pull ahead, but they’re always better plugged in over being burnt out.

Who has a perfect past?

(If you do, how boring.)

Cause after doing some edits and realizing how much experience is projected in kooky, weird (fun ways) for some reason I wanna reckon the following:

There’s so much wisdom in leaving the past as the past.

It didn’t pull into the present or future for a reason.

There’s also so much wisdom as keeping the past as your past.

When you know it’s a past you’ve grown and moved from, it’s a little empowering.

But, there’s so much wisdom in the past.

If you live deeply (I want to put that into air quotes) and remember it well, it creates echos that really shapes how you see the present and will form your future.  You can’t live with a constantly impaired memory and grow, as much as degenerate. So this is why I think in our private worlds, leaving the past as the past, but owning it = ideal.

We get the best stories that way, anyway.

Got a REALLY nice personalized rejection letter super quickly. Agent (really, really, professional, some would even say intimidating agent) even liked and complimented the ambitious idea.
This is FANTASTIC, and I haven’t been this stoked about tailoring my writing sample since it’s obvious pros are actually reading it.

I just want everyone to know that this is a great thing.

Am also craving a workshop to tear sample apart, but in the end, that responsibility is really on me.

Ambition is nothing more than a festering, unfulfilled desire to those who don’t try.

For those who do, it’s a provider of thrills and a certain life science.

(Going for it with queries and it feels like a “finally!” phase of this script.   Not to be dramatic, but sending queries feels like I imagine sending a boat across the ocean to see if there’s a New World must have been like, in many ways.

[Not to be dramatic though.])

One theme I’ve always had and believed in is the power of emotional energy.

If you believe in and appreciate evolution, you should be quick to love any and every fucking feature you have.  You should be slow to throw anything away.  Everything from the crook of your pinky finger to the shittiness of your left toe to the septum of your nose to the blink of your eyeball took millenia to get the way they did.  If you don’t like something about yourself you’re probably being neurotic.  This isn’t to say we’re perfect, but it is a feat, a goddamn feat, that humans finally made a camera that’s better than the eye.

And the ability to make that camera took a lot of evolution.

And I’ll wager my life that a LOT of evolution went into the urge to have and create a camera.

So that’s one example why it’s not so easy for me to disregard emotions.  A lot of people do, because positive things are unpleasant and often inconvenient, but the truth is, everything from jealousy to rage can be seen as having a functional purpose.  I don’t like anger, but I don’t loathe it either. Righteousness of convinctions has to be singly responsible for the defense of good, more often than it is responsible for the triumph of evil.

So things like, swallow it, or appreciating drugs that destroy emotions, I’m hesitant.  There’s a time and a place, but it’s usually a best last-resort.

Another theme I’ve been big on, is young people feel harder. It’s a super power.  The formative brain releases dopamine and adrenaline way more easily than the adult one. I think one reasons is that the adult brain past its formative years has become crystalized — it’s looking for patterns.  We do this in looking for patterns of personality in people more frequently as we age, for example.  A younger brain is more apt to perceive novelty.  Novelty induces glutimate and adrenaline, which create real fun memories.

(I remember being young and finally going outside and feeling anxious, probably for these reasons.  Fortunately, as the dude I was raised, I wasn’t allowed to just act on that.)

Well, think about emotion as a driving force for creativity. Think about how if you allow yourself to age into complacency (not saying we all get complacent, just some of us start to drive ourselves that way) that complacency leads to indifference. Indifference is a state of don’t care enough to be creative.

I’m learning that these days, my feels are getting kind of cannoned.  I appreciate that younger me was up till 6am thinking and feeling. I’m not doing this as much, in fact I’m feeling the urge for siestas. I’m not sure I’m capable of a 12 hour gaming session.  It happened all the time as a young guy.  In turn, I have to question how my future works will come out,

and find I’m not worried.  Because I still get goosebumps from songs (there’s some really cool research indicating how it’s a superpower, how about 8% of the population can do it, and how it’s theorized right now to be an extra brain function from the anterior cingulate cortex to temporal lobes that are linking emotional patterns with temporal processing and leading to sympathetic nervous arousal.  I have a hard time remembering my goddamn flight time without checking my email, but factoids like that stick with me after run reading because I just goddamn care.)

And while those music goose’s will happen less and less, I still feel my potential for imagination, and I know enough to not dull it too hard.  There’s a reason I never loved the drink as much as loved dabbling.  There’s a reason I’m driven to engage and KEEP some very strange habits.  I’d like to believe that a lot of old creatives are neurotic because they’ve matured in ways which has kept them young.

They’re not man-children.  They’re children of men.

Anyway, here’s a good song.

I’m on a good spurt of energy fill today, I’ve got queries ready to dispatch, and I’m stoked. I might fail, and this part’s scary

but the feel being real, means I might drive myself towards good deals.

I just don’t feel that way with other work.  I’ll do it, oh I’ll do it if I have to, but it’s not nearly the same. It’s someone else’s taxi, not my car.

So I’m gonna pull the trigger on some good letters and it’s nice to finally be going pew pew. It’s so good to finally have a short and sweet synopsis along with something I polished and then worked to repolish.

(I think part of the anx of doing this is realizing that you might be really subjective, but what’s worth having or trying that doesn’t involve a little battling of anx?)

And on that note,

PoGo got a bit old.

Somehow got much better at hearthstone but honestly?

Not feeling like more 15 minutes of gaming these days. While hitting 6 miles a day on foot I’m wanting lots of rest still, too. Used to be a big coffee craver, but atm that’s just how it is.

(This entry is gonna be based in sweeping generalizations about one of my favoritest topics.)

Narcissism is prevalent because narcissism is a personality trait. It’s not so much as “are you self-concerned” as much as “How purely self-concerned are you” ?

And that’s a very shitty, loose metric that’s shitty to obtain.

I’m deciding that a great way to measure if someone has this in overbearing amounts is: are they able to actually see you for who you are, when given the chance.  I’m thinking of three people I think, in my correct opinion, have a personality problem. One thing all three of these men have in common – besides having an above average amount of charisma and drive, yet a very poor social following (in rl….if I have to specify) to show for it, along with strings of broken relationships, along with strings of friends and former partners who have given up trying to understand.

Well, another main unifier of this group is their willingness to jump into other people’s shoes and accuse them of motives that, might not be very true. Heck, now I’m even thinking of the silly ex who accused me of only liking one type of girl, and very speciously too.  (I think anyone who thinks I have one type hasn’t been listening – hotness and beauty comes in all sorts.)

Not to say we’re all entitled to deep understanding and processing. But, when you try to reveal who you are, and when who you are doesn’t really cross the aisle….maybe that says something about the audience more than you, hmmmm?

Cause it’s occuring to me that someone who’s more timid about how they diagnose the thinking of another, is willing to admit that they don’t know something.  And, curiosity+timidness about diagnosing how another person ticks, this equates to a possessed theory of mind that’s much more advanced than those dumbasses who can’t see you outside of the lens of themselves (in fact, those people project a lot.)

When you’re self-assured and well socialized, your presentation of self shouldn’t be that murky. And yet, who among us, really, even the loudest, more open-booked — who among us feels fully understood by everyone given a chance to read us?

Doubtfully more than a tiny sliver of humanity.

Well, there are those of us who can read, interpret, and acknowledge iunno, maybe, and possibilities, and those of us who assume things based on little more than ourselves. It’s an extra task to acknowledge one’s individuality outside of our own.

….it’s as if the narcissus myth is based on a dumbass falling into his own reflection and drowning for a reason.

So while psychopaths don’t feel remorse and sociopaths have their shitty sides unhinged, narcissists are shrewd and selfish and motivated by one thing.  Pathological narcs are RARE, like really rare, plus it also takes a lot to function well as one. This means that most of ’em, you should be able to see them coming. Narcs usually bumble and get negative in special ways for interesting reasons — even if they address issues that are petty, I think the especially defunct narc’s reaction stands out especially.

So I think, the best defense against these twats? Listening.  Good listening.  Testing how one relates. Understanding patterns of analyzing and reacts.

Cause I’m thinking about it tonight and, considering the number of warning signs, if you’re not so bent on flocking to these individuals and assuming more good than they actually have, you should be fine if you keep your head on, pay attention, and maneuver.

For this reason I guess it’s good to not do most of the talking when introducing oneself and learning and growing within any industry.