Last night I had the realization that there are people out there who seek to be treated better than the intention, as in, the intention is less relevant to them. This blew my mind, but that quote from Dr. Psychopath about how as soon as he became conscious of his behaviors, and decided hed get more thoughtful, that his wife appreciated him more. The doctor, being an honest guy goes, “but i didnt mean it!” And the wife goes, “I dont care. It makes me feel good that you care enough to bother.” Suppose this goes back to the whole behaviors vs thought process thing. Makes me think psychos can be partners when they feel it’s in their interest (but that’s not how id like to go about it, just helps me respect that fucked up people can lead to healthyish families if they put their mind to it and wanna, which takes a lot.) I’m a lil weirder in how i value- and im not saying that’s better. But I might treat a polite behavior with suspicions or coldness if I think the intention behind it has a nasty agenda. But, sometimes people wanna be treated how they want to be treated. I cant always assume that my intentions redeem what people feel are screwey behaviors, when its not that black and white.

In separate news,

I cant apologize for a thing too many times. Like i get into, “I already said sorry, and I’ve been sorry, and I’ve moved forward as a sorry person but not regressing to that point again so what do you really want?” Mode. Ive apologized more than many would, i think, already, but maybe the timing was shit cause I’m still being told that I’m not owning up. But ….I did….. pretty transparently, and i offered to tell exactly as much as theyd like to know…and really think I did at that time, based on what i was told. (Im sorry if a few entries back is something of a shocker, but that’s how it is.) The biggest part of how i actually realized regret, is also in my change of behaviors in life now. (My sis would be proud of what i did last night, I think.) Am getting more loyal and thoughtful, even though, honestly, i only mean it 99% of the time (not any less.) I’m doing better, and if i explained what i did last night id be judged severely……but its something i know was tough to do, and right, so I did it anyway, and I dont know if Id be man enough to do that if it wasnt for some of the paining recent events. Thats why im ok having gone through it? The outcome could be better than if I hadn’t at all, and, even tho i feel over time words like never SHOULD seem ridiculous……maybe they’re true sometimes. Never is a word for a reason.

I just cant seek forgiveness from someone who wants me to take the role of the fucked up person and nothing more. Its a lil kingpinny, and I feel asked to pull the trigger in my mouth…. Especially when the observer is so eager to villanize me, that’s bad. Especially if theyre reading for signs of bad when its a lil grayer and personal – “look not into the abyss lest ye become a monster yourself” and all that shit. Especially because I did just what I thought I should to man up, just maybe intentions are stupider than proper copacetic behavior. So, I moved on. Sorry, but I already felt bad for a long while, communicated it, got my humility and the best thing I can do now is just do better by others. And I’ve been. And I’m glad this person has hope in their own life, with, or without my being destroyed in their eyes by their own standards.

Anyway, more than forgiveness at this point (sorry, but I deserved less bad spin) I’ll just have to be good, fair, and right to the people who’ll let me to not be a bad guy now, and I genuinely don’t feel like being like being a bad guy. I love the appreciation for being the best i can think to be, and I’m the type of bamf who’ll keep learning as long as I’m passionate. And these fires run deep, too.

Anyway, maybe there’s a reason I’m really feeling this one today:

Baaack to work.

I met a lot of people in NC, and realized folks around here are a lot easier to open up than in new york.  A lot more.  After the festival closed last night, a group of us wandered back to the hotel and my favoritest buddy here and I kept going down for smokes and beer.  It was 2:30 am and, while there was never more than 6 people at one time, between strangers there was some comraderie to the idea of being outside at night. People were actually bonding because of the music, but the music was just a medium for people to build a common ground that’ll break the ice, that’s what I saw.

I’m smoking with my new buddy – let’s call him R (R is a charming, analytical, former bartender, with good intentions who’s just real fucking cool) and we’ve been talking the shit for hours. This black guy who was talking with two obviously trashed light gals (pretty sure white) comes over and, the way he walked, I could tell he was a lil intoxicated, but also REALLY disciplined, cause his walk was a natural march – and I don’t mean that as a cliche. It was noticable cause he was strong, confident, and around 6’4 himself. He straight up marched.

He went “Excuse me, sir, may I please trouble you for a light?” And stands at attention – a perfect attention stance. I go sure, and smile, and then go “Hey, any chance you’re former military?”

And by golly, he is.  Former deployed air force.  Immediately he wants to know how I know, and R and I both laugh and point out he’s got the perfect attention stance and body language while he’s waiting to receive a response (he’s also built, clean cut, has the look.  He exudes military man.) He keeps sharply going “SIR.” and almost request permission to respond. I tell him (sir-like) not to call me sir, cause I don’t deserve that (to me that means CO.  I’m Eric. Call me Eric.) He formally apologizes as he’s “A little intoxicated and that he’s sorry sir” and I laugh and could tell that he’s got it in his blood. Now the gals are giggling too, and he smirks at himself and says he’s glad some habits just don’t go, and I agree.  They make a comment about how he’s scaring two white guys, and before I tell them to get their eyes checked he goes “Hey he’s mixed!” and points to me (shouldn’t black and white people both be able to see that a black and white person is mixed?  You’d think so, right? This says something about where we were, as does the dichotomy of black or white and wh was where when we were in town the night before)  But I’ve been opening up people all night, its a good vibe all around, and I could see how fucking structured an environment this person’s gotten used to (and he looks to be hanging out with two dyed gals who’re talking on drunk) Folks I know who’ve gotten out have a hard time adjusting to normal civilian life.  It’s the cliche. This is also something I wanna involve in the disjuncture world – this understanding of what it’s like to be trained to be a functional soldier more than a feeling human, and then be immersed in “freedom” and bills, and being told to go do what it takes to be happy, after being away for so long, and it’s much, much worse if you were deployed.  So I go

“Hey, sorry if this is too personal but I’m really wondering how’re you finding civilian life after serving?”

And I’ve opened him up, cause he gets a pained look in his face.  He reveals that he resents that most Americans take their freedoms for granted.  I ask him to elaborate, and the first thing he does is pull his shirt down to reveal a fallen leaf village tattoo. I offer my hand immediately with a grin and reintroduce myself and point out that yes, i too have always admired the village of the falling leaf. R now thinks were both weirdos and now just starts listening. The air force guy goes into how its in this country that we can just don things like that as if whatever, i get him to elaborate further, and now I listen to a real dialogue.  Its not about the fallen leaf suddenly, and now hes really open. He resents people who are at some bottom just making excuses while making things worse for everyone. He reveals what it’s like in some ways for him to be a black guy in South Carolina, and wear whats comfortable but be seen by so many people to be the N-word, and I know it’s something that’s really hurt him. I could be an asshole and analyze that impacted how much he treasures his wife, but I just think it’s fucking lovely he treasures his wife, (she was one of the two dye girls, and when I apologized for stealing him from the conversation they were having when she went up after 20 minutes, she was so warm about knowing that “he’ll always come back to her” and going upstairs to let me talk. She had a really loving tone.) This guy was definitely no stereotype.

Throughout, through and around all his discipline, I can tell his mind’s really thought about his life and that he’s sharing opinion based on life experience, and the way he does this, This is the opinion of a person who made their own damn opinion.  I can tell by talking to him, he could’ve – COULD’VE been a great politician, but his life has been bogged with something hard.   Now he’s got too much honest resentment to be a good one.  He’s in an interracial relationship, starts showing me pictures of his family, and they’re obviously his world.   He takes a LOT of shit for going out with her, knows the looks.  And what scared me is how, this is America to him.  And fuck the race issue – it was more of a in-house seperation and war that really pisses him off – and he used the word war.  It’s very different in New York, so different than SC, but we’re still fucking stupid in terms of not doing good things with our freedoms, acting out, in-house fighting between politics and culture, and raising general tensions without seeing real value before doing things. But, it’s better there than the deep south, and this was my first encounter with someone like this from there.

He shows me a picture of his daughter and she looks like me and, it painful to hear that he expects that she’s going to get a lot of shit and not be treated as a person for this.  It’s not like that everywhere, but it can be right outside your door. And I’m not thinking “move,” but just be aware on the actual limits of this culture’s box. I really hope I let him know that there are places in this country where you can shelter a growing human aware from that sort of bullshit. Im older i think, and have gotten by just fine.

And he had love for his family and those close, but a lot of resentment for how he see’s the American citizen within the world.  I got the impression of someone who was cool, and trying, but also greatly unhappy.

It’s tough always to be boxed in.  It’s tough to see someone who went through mandatory cultural sensitivity training as tailored to where he was deployed, yet feel that Americans need it to get along with Americans. Its tough to think that, if that’s how he feels his country is, that he might have to carve out a little niche and a box to hide from this negativity.  That’s the picture I got.

We talked for like an hour, and even R had to excuse himself to go up.  I wanted to hear this guy’s story, stayed, gave him my frank two cents on some things, and tried to offer what i’ve seen and point out he’s better off going towards incentives instead of away from aversive things (I said it much more coolly tho.)  That America does have its incentives, but yes, we’re by and large, a very strange, new and sometimes ridiculous nation that could easily be rendered an international joke with the way we politick and self-absorb.

You know, I decided around the bush administration that it’s going to take some crazy shit to get me to go military cause I don’t really get to choose any side but team America, and there’re scary fingers on scary buttons about that.  But, I’ve always felt like there’re still good ideological fights on American soil. Like being an ethical person who inspires anything at home – rare, but just suppose – you might be able to inspire more change than a single marine (This is not to equivocate a civ with soldiering, but civs can give soldiers a cause.)  I remember when Marina tried to get me to consider moving to another country cause she could predict that the USA was turning into some collusion of hick and 1% politics and hated it or something, and I remember feeling something similar to this SC soldier’s urge to stay in SC even tho he’s aware there might be better places too (He’s got to be.)  

Again, it sucks that I got the impression with the way this guy thought that he could’ve made a stunning politician, and I think he’s been surrounded by too much BS to be left with much of a chance, and his goals have changed.  But, not engaging in stupidity, not going to your fucking college classes in pajamas so the soldier who’s taking college courses at 32 cause that’s their deal won’t resent being surrounded by 25 year old fucking kids who complain while not doing the reading – the kind of thing that doesn’t insult or demean the structure of America, it’s an idea i have a lot of respect for.

Anyway, living a dignified life, that contributes to a dignified structure, that contributes to a dignified culture, that’s a good fight too. Just don’t forget to respect that there are people out there who WANT to call you sir or ma’am.  They want to fight for their self, home, and country.  Do not make them resent it, and don’t just be someone who’s born into your circumstances and unwilling to improve things that you very well could improve just cause you feel like you’ve got an excuse – be worth fighting for. It’s patriotic, if you care about that.

I like my freedom. Lots.

Wrote this at 6am on my phone yesterday morning while waiting for the room to wake up.  Figuring fuckit, taking out of the draft bin.

I began actually dating someone after it became a clear, smart decision to, now we’ve been growing smartly intensely since late march and, im turning out to be a really, really huge fan these days. Its May now and, because we’re both really similar in that (can tell by listening before I say a thing) we both believe the essence of a relationship isn’t in labels or statuses, but the essence of that relationship, and it’s going so well. It’s naturalized to the point where a lot of time could fly by before we know it. And, that’s something I want to be careful of (I can fritter a lot of time if not careful.)

But im not frittering shit. I decided to get more forthcoming and serious, and didn’t get super into this girl upon immediately meeting her because, thats how I am. I also had other issues that precluded a relationship then (so, I don’t think she took me seriously then, and this gave us both a sense of just taking it easier), it didn’t feel smart or kind to dive right in, and also cause I felt like I looked good just on paper and didn’t want to deviate from the aspect it seemed she admired. I know, thats lame to me too.  So at first I wasn’t giving her a chance to know me beyond aspects that might be unfavorable . . . yet as soon as I did, she revealed her troo form, and I like her way more for it.

That’s how intimacy works, and I’ve just never met anyone like her before: Her intensities and practical x emotion streak is like mine, so it’s so easy for us to stay on the same page. (This alone is a weirdness I cherish.) Shes a woman – as in an adult, high functioning, self respecting, achieving thinker – and yet shes younger than anyone else i talk with nowadays and I have to keep reminding myself of her combined age and “omg, this is someone who will THRIVE if you treat and respect them as a great woman” status (you dont always find that in ny, not women who stay great after making yourself emotionally available – and maybe im glad she’s totes not from NY). I really want to kiss her ass (figurately, here) because this sense of humor, direct, hott with two t’s, insightful,takes herself seriously in the ways she should, handles tension awesomely, has her shit together, understands how silly race issues can be for mixed Americans (she takes herself seriously as a person, not a demographic) and already got offers to be a legit literary agent (Big brain boner here.  I write more than her right now I think, but she definitely reads more than me )

Disregard bull and girls, acquire valuable memories and experience. Then share. And do something positive with the share. That’s what I want.

She reciprocates my feels not because of what it represents to any complex i recognize. I don’t have to worry about opening a dialogue with her ever, having to read between the lines of her words to see if anything is beneath the surface, cause ive looked, and almost all the time the water isnt murky, but totes clear. Its about, fucking, time too. People like this are diamonds in the rough. Theyre fucking diamonds. Shes not some girl. Shes a special person. With special parts. And i love this.

I wanna recall my favorite xanga from gvertz where he realized that everything in his life was to bring him to where he was, and this gave him huge acceptance of everything in his life – all of it. Even the shit. (Daniel, dude, i dont care if youre a lawyer or newspaper editor, as far as i can tell thats the greatest thing youve ever written.) And I can really feel that entry lately. The bottom line is, all the good things in my life, all the things ive learned that is a positive way to be available for someone, she inspires. I WANT TO MAKE HER PROUDER. I know shes proud of me, but i look to make her ecstatic, as much as we can both earn. Some days i make her so amazed, and, instead of getting comfortable after, I’m just wanting to raise that bar. This is new. I’m turning into an “i want to spoil and surprise you with what my warm fuzzy feels make me capable of!” guy and it’s making me wanna do more instead of get complacent every time she gets giddy.  I see this growing instead of calming. She is, the greatest thing to happen to me so far this year, by a lot. I dont know if ill ever meet another like her (scratch that, DEFINITELY not, not with the same style and Way) who could redefine what it means to be a person who’s a woman, rather than “girl” this much, while also being extremely silly and srs at the same time. Never before have i wondered if i should make a certain style of advances, and never will i let someone pass who warrants it.

And yes, I am too aware that I’m a kickass (weird, imperfect) dude, largely cause i involve myself whole-heartedly in what I decide to. And this is a great woman to have great heart in. She does it by being herself. At this moment I’m just. . . . . grateful to the universe, what it offers, providing so many blessing and chances to do well and do good. Anyway, you work in mysterious ways sometimes universe, but im still kinda grateful and sticking to it.

Korn = great. Charlotteville also appears to be one of those places where local people become special after 2am. Its airport also has bins thatre cleanly labeled with the letters “clt”

But i just learned the quirky big motorhead guy here is a hardcore gamer. His reaction when i pointed out i went to bonaroo with the #1 medic NA was just icing on thr cake. No one can hide their 14 button mouse from me without revealing their troo form!

Am kinda stoked about this trip and group. Also, the pretty reckless. Yeshyeshyesh

Buddy at work offered me a hell of a deal to get in on his convoy. I looked, saw Marylin Manson, Bush and Godsmack alone?

Deal.

Done.

Omw.

(And ya know what? I like being a lil nervous about weekend plans.)

Today is do all the work while watching documentaries on psychopathic personality type day:

“Look out for number one, get what you can, make sure you retaliate, get your shots in first, and don’t worry too much about what your impact is upon other people”

“This is how love is supposed to be!’

“The absolute first thing to do is not go for face value.”

I kind of really like this guy as an analyst and a thinker, a lot. Also pretty sure he’s a lot like Dr. Kristal.

^Ha.  I especially liked how he openly tooled his inner-awareness of narcissism to write a book. Also dug the note on serotonin and begrudging tendencies.

This one’s my fave cause of the character analysis.  (Also, James Bond and the Joker.)

Came home, and took the bad, terrible survey @ http://psychopath.channel4.com/quizzes.html (was curious enoug) tried to answer really honestly (CAUSE IUNNO AM PRETTY EGOTISTICAL DO I HAZ TENDENCIES) and got 48%

“Though your conscience is in the right place you also have a pragmatic streak and generally aren’t afraid to do your own dirty work! You’re no shrinking violet – but no daredevil either. You generally have little trouble seeing things from another person’s perspective but, at the same time, are no pushover. ‘Everything in moderation – including moderation’ might sum up your approach to life.”

Anyway, that’s enough of my keyboard procrastination for the day. Time to clean house and take the night.

Got a nice reminder of my age last night. And how, it’s a number. And how I grew up much luckier than I might feel. Yesterday I turned on some good, trashy tv to do stuff to, about people who were flat ass broke, and it made me kinda sad to see how hard they would work to scrape a hundred bucks together, and what it meant to them, and how they were living in a place where it was even more likely that someone would steal 20% of their net worth overnight.

It got my attention and made me count blessings after getting a little down. (It’s so sad to see a thing where hope was walking into the sunset – they saved enough money to go to college. Let’s try not to think about what that actually means.) Maybe that’s the sick enjoyment of shows like that.

(And this was good timing cause, last night there was some bullshit I read while feeling all . . . alright, “This’s just not my business, any more.” I wandered in toxic bullshit, and sometimes I’ll need a moment to realize it’s better to not even be all  “wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh why is dees toxick!?” Got distracted – and if I let myself, can get distracted by a big . . . wow. But that’s all I’ll say on it.])

Anyway, I meant it about thinking bout what makes people tick. This makes special people stand out more. Sometimes people will learn a huge intense drive, but obviously certain shortcomings in their life stunt / mess with how they choose to apply it, despite breaking out in the most driven ways. Like to even get on documentaries like this involves that strangely intense drive, and to work as hard as they show they do is too, plus against odds? Same deal. But in the end, it’s some of the most fundamental things they’re killing their selves for. Some of the things we take for granted.

And, well, should it not be painful, to see folks being a workhorse at a low yielding thing they hate doing, then be venerated for it? We see them pull a 12 hour shift that can be boiled down to 4 seconds. We see an existence whittled into a pure movement for numbers, where gas money is a huge variable. At that point, it’s more clear by the real pull of their narrative that a better measure of life is in satisfactions and achievements, as well as the people we’ve learned to love and appreciate and cherish in our own lil journeys. (The cut away scenes where they had friends offer good advice were the most valuable moments during the entire struggle. )

Well, that’s how life and class ought to be weighed.

I guess once you have some things stable, but other things not, you get to make a decision to tear other things down or build good things up (or both) to feel boosted. To actually live a class-eh existence it’s kinda imperative to remember to focus on the positive option.

Ooh, ooh, and pet my cat.

(One of life’s luxuries just jumped into my lap as soon and birds outside have started doing this thing where they’re chirping [note: combination does not compute with what I know about cat psychology.]) This does mean I’m done adding to my dumb ole blog this early.