Oh man, I did need another gramm read and it IS important to get your head out of a baby you believe in to get better perspective.  (That’s about disj)

Editing on a mac sucks, but having guy-pals who’ll accommodate and let you use their place as a writer crib are great.  Also really appreciate how intense the story and writing is again (yep, humble is me.)  It’s weird, there’re small notes I didn’t realizecome up in a character’s aspect of something that, hmm.  Hmm!

The grammar needs tweaks, but the story is still solid, except for 4 scenes that need revisions.  I’m identifying content changes that I’ll refine, and there’s some wisdom and dialogue rants (characters pontificate, oops) that need to be cleaned.   Side characters now mean more to me than Cyrre. Action for the sake of action is NOT a main draw – even tho I was intending to use action tension as a device when I felt things got more . . .talkey.  However, I really like the action too, but remain surprised at how that can feel as stimulating as the more . . cerebral stuff right now in novel.

This is edit camp to me. Glad to be here, it’s mine with work that I have to own!  Here’s something else I have to own, haven’t work one this as hard I needed to to make it what it could be, and there are many reasons for that.  The main thing tho is, working hard can be hard to do, and I aint done yet.   This is a story full of of stuffI’d be a big ole butthead to quit hammering away at.  But it’s also like, zombie flicks.  Better to believe in your own judgement cause you can’t try to get all your folks to agree a great zombie flick is great, since, you’re making them watch a zombie flick, and that’s got a lil bit of commercial niche in it.   I’ve been a kid less than a writer in hoping people to appreciate the drive, before. Whoops.

It’s still my manbabeh tho.

(just finished an editing spree and AshyPashy is now providing goods + tuscany wine before chills and I’m excited – can’t ya tell?)

Some people may not appreciate too, and that’s even ok! But I hafta wonder if the one’s who don’t, as if until $$$ing I’m a better use to society being an excel minion when things really could be automated, is cause they don’t understand why the process can be like pushing a boulder carefully uphill while dosed on SO MUCH CAFFEINE and think I’m some sorta trust funded LA DE DAA, INSPIRATION AND ME IS SO GREAAAAT, TRALALALA, TRALALAA.

Rather than interpret their projection of how they’d be if they were in my shoes (I think that’s what’s happening) I’d rather people understand 1) something in me’s hungry, fuck you, and 2) I’ll feel like it’s a big sacrifice and letting something go to waste if I don’t spend the time it takes to do this right or at least know I tried every which way with absolutely zero excuses. Fortunately, last year isn’t a waste, time is manageable, and good folks rule

P.S. On rereading this, why do I have a voice inside that wants to go “Your mom is a boulder to be pushed uphill while on a shitload of caffeine.”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship

The interspecies topic is kinda cool tho. Applying “friendship” to domesticated animals seems a lil quirky, but sure. Why not.

Gotta wonder when smartchat programs will make the list.

Also: [youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6od4WeaWDcs]

It, is, amazing outside

Neighborhood’s changing so that’s it’s getting nicer and nicer every day. (In the last two weeks, it’s apparent, especially when going out during school hours.)

Regarding personal life, some people are just, kickass. Great boons. (Buddy taking me to Bad Religion = awesome: lyricist has a ph.d in evolutionary bio and it shows in the punk rock lyrics – drummer is great, the bassman is manic.)

Grandma’s recognized my voice every time I’ve visited and smiled immediately lately.

Halping the cuz move following epic hiking following “Light” day at gym to follow up big hiking has triggered a fitness kick I’m still owning.  (Dad-shape is cool and all, but certain things are just better with a six pack, and moreover a body feeling lighter feels great, breathing better is great, and thinking clearer is the best.)

Shadow of the Hegemon is a great read.

Integrity is king. Means being anti-manipulate information selfishly. Working to be able to provide actually decent information is what makes a person wonderful. Anything less is bullshit.

/Living an existence that is b.s. free is the way to be.  Just say no to hubris, manipulation, tactics and faces. That shit’s for games, and I’d rather be a helluva worker.

Speaking of which-

Some people,
Do feelings like waterfalls fall water
Pouring, bubbling, seemingly endless, only because the source renews.
Over time subtly wearing the stoniest rocks away,
And breeding always. Simple, and complicated.
Draining the way nature drains.

Some people,
Do feelings like houses house water.
Tapered tempurature, to suit.
Tapped, spouted, and purified, marketably palletable
(For a fee)
Measured, insalient, domesticating.
Best poured over porcelain that never wears,
and drained the way nature made man intend.

Just wanna say a few things:

Waking up with my cat is like, as wonderful as waking up next to most beautiful h00mons.  Except people can’t respond to your waking bodeh by walking on your really intently and cutely before curling into a little grooming ball as well.

I ❤ positive vibes in general a lot again.  And not really having to worry about snakes.

I DO enter a different keyboard mode after midnight.  Like a lot.

I've been feeling free to do enough things with good intentions that's a lil risky, and I like this.  It's like visiting my grandma.  She won't always recognize me, but it's taking a chance that she does when I kiss her hullo and goodbye.  If she recognizes me and what I'm doing she's a lil happier.  If not, well, she can spin the fact that this tall strange guy who's not a whole lot resembling of the toddler she remembers kissed her hai and bai and she can spinnit in her head however she wants. There's still a sunlit world outside that I'll get to explore a certain way cause of experiences involving her.

Coffee's finally sinking in.  Time to keyboard.

Fuck yo games and slave wages!

Bills = super paid and stocked aside, company’s been a hell yeah eye opener (“what-it’s-about” kinda vibes.)  Cleaning gloves were put to work and now I can get to the work I REALLY wanna do.

^All part of the mix that let’s me build moar yeshyesh.

That and finding tracks with fucking lively kicking melodies like this:

(If you click – and you should, ignore the facial tats if you’re uppity about that kind of shit. Guy knows to accompany good composition)

It has been decided – as of friday im not longer at the firm

Am sure this kinda thing will hit me in a different way later, but for now, graveh!

(Bunch of people took me out to drinks after work but really, a big part of me was more into drooling on the idea of running around and playing with my cat for days, painting part of my face and going “freeeeeedooooommmm”)

Things are still way better since deciding to pull away from what felt like it was becoming vindictive nasty. (I guess nowadays I’m just a lil more mad that I don’t wanna do this character as a pure saint in this story, know that’s a lil ridiculous, and, don’t care, whatever.  Cause things are still actually pretty good and ok.)

And you know, for a bit it was really tempting to frame that situation with buzzwords like “toxic” and “abusive” above, but, ohai, and those labels have ways of making us wanna textbook victimize ourselves and, I dun wanna, cause I kick fucking ass and life > any ole texbook.

When those types of relationships or dynamics or things suck people in, all parties are, or get fucked up after a certain point. Everyone’s got friends they’ve seen go through something that seems pervasive and fakked, and what I still think every time, more important than finger pointing (cause trust me, I can have talent as a very good finger pointer.  And that’s not the point) is that sometimes it’s actually just the really smart person who’s saying “yo, respect and empathy but this just doesn’t feel good time 2 fuck off I’m sorry.”)

Honestly, I hope to never get to place where I can’t say that.  It means I’ve either woefully underestimated how close or important I should be with someone, or someone’s really mad about some fuck up, and both options’ll probably make me feel bad.

But that “Kay lil empathy but I have to realize above all this doesn’t feel good and it’s time to fuck off sorry bai.” is way smarter than the smart person who feels so smart that they can fix anything and wants to – those folks can really become victims to people’s nastier intentions/malfunction/confused not giving a fuck by repeatedly disrespecting those nasty intentions.)

And I mean that about the finger pointing – looking for damaged or nasty people with this ‘evil-doers are evil’ mentality just . . . adds little to your world, besides a shit-colored lens. Villanizing people says a lot more about the villainizer and their own agenda more than the villain, a lot.  Truth is, even the worst of us tend to have a self-justified reason besides “I just like being secretely fucked up or evil! nyuck nyuck nyuck!”  And, guess what, you can make yourself crazy by needing that reason to appeal within your world view after giving out just a lil bit of empathy.  But guess what – it might not.  We’re not programmed to feel cool about all things – in fact some millions of years are the only explanation for how complex is the biology for you to feel more than annoyed when someone else starts monetizing and profiteering from your tapioca pudding recipe.  Cognitive dissonance is another factor. And maybe you have to accept that it’s not within you.

And seeing things that way, well, it can make yourself feel wrong or off when you start trying to put that “WHO’S WRONG” lens on someone you let yourself feel wholly different about for a good while.  Sure, it’s natural to wanna lash out / point and insult more than critique when you feel compelled to do a double take of “WTF” and, sometimes it’s easier to figure out how you can point fingers at the other person instead of deciding to take control of your own happiness and do what’s best for you.

But trust me, doing what’s best for you can be way, way sweeter, in the end. AND IT MIGHT TOTALLY FEEL AND SEEM LIKE SHIT DURING THE DOING, but, just think about it and keep at it. I still think the people who should be in your lives won’t really have a true problem being in your life in the end without extenuating circumstances – and I’ll buy you a beer if I’m wrong.   AND, if you’re making good decisions, we’ll – eventually, if you don’t die, you’ll live a life with pay-off.  You should totes enjoy that.

So to end this rant, yes, if you find yourself a power struggle SURE – you might see evidence that one side treads on more stable ground like . . . who’s able to take criticism better, who gets into a rage, who’s speaking candidly, weird shit like that – but what’s more important in an abusive power struggle (abusive in that, it’s violating boundaries or respect fair needs and doesn’t seem to stop until it’s run its course) is that you’re a dumb fucker within an abusive power struggle! Maybe the best thing you can possibly do is fuck off and esteem yo goodnesses (don’t expect other people to do that for you, many’ll muck up your most srs areas that should be esteemed)  and definitely do that self-love thing (do not just mean fapterbate) and nurture the best things in your existence for real-reals. This helps realize actual value and enthusiasms.

That in turn’ll let you be amazingsauce and relate to others better too – funny how that works, huh? Cause I realized how many youtube psychobabble videos I’ve been listening to lately and sure, I’m really good at being able to see when people are doing textbook bad things in certain ways now (it’s actually making me much less creative when thinking about people’s processing and I don’t like this.)  But you know what I know most of all – what ALL the textbooks say about making dynamics with people the who might do textbook bad things the thing to live for?

Try not to.

Since doing this in what . . . end march / AprilFools?- I kind of really have been enjoying how I’ve been throwing myself into work (learned excel real fuckin well, feel like a wizard, and seem to be that guy who gets a special type of task at work now, and I really enjoy figuring it out.)  Jai’s really grown on me for so many right reasons. I’m also thinking to take the things I didn’t do so well before and do them extra well now.  That’s just how life is and, some things I’m seeing are proving the world’s wonderful.

Really sucks if anyone loses sight of that.

I’ve always known it was freeer to be weirder and more open your quirks, and very freeing to esteem yourself and not worry about getting the approval and appeal of something that might make you feel like you need to walk on eggshells in the doing.

You’ve got to observe, and if you can maybe chuckle about the folks who would actually want to see you miserable or feel negative or regret doing what you think it’ll take to make you happier. The real ones who’re important for you, they might wanna discuss how you did it, see if you could improve, do better – that’s a form of criticism that’s fair (I even sort of expect that from my friends) but you can’t let other people control those decisions for you. You’re letting ’em control your payoff. And, newp! If anything, it’s way more fun to be that spirit that crushing, crushed spirits (that’ll just want to control and eat yoars) will hate.

(I haven’t stopped listening to this yet – can you tell?)

Made a change in my life yesterday that feels joyous, right, and, also a lil funny. Don’t want to get into it, or explain it more than that right meow. It’s one of those things where taking self too seriously can be bad, or get in the way of the whole point.  But it IS also one of those defining decisions that’ll forever alter memory what I feel capable for and what happens. Proud for being able to do what I have, and don’t want to gloat – it’s new for me, and I don’t want to make a target out of it or fuck up what I take seriously.  Life, is interesting, often phenomenal, and hell yeah.

loving this song – the rhythm, the vibe, the video – but feel the exact opposite of its lyrics:

Snuck away from good company on saturday to go into work because there was a new project I was asked to give a hand in.  You know, kind of feel ‘appreciated’ only as a work-horse at this firm – as in I’ll do digitally meticulous stuff fast, hard and skillfully, but not asked to drive or make the better decisions when people who wanna run things are trying to run things.  But I should be.  After I saw that expected output was in the thousands, something in my gut said it’s possible and I figured out how to automate a process in excel using 4 vlookups (A VLOOKUP, INTO A VLOOKUP, INTO A VLOOKUP), a mass-export, concatenation, and a macro with SQL that eliminated leading spaces to make the cross-referencing cleaner and better refined.  The second it worked I did my mad scientist cackle and hoped the day’s metrics were fucked because the moment I popped the formula down my productivity rate went into the thousands while others were in the 40’s. Even spent 20 minutes to write a short guide and made sure that people who should know did, that the entire thing we’ve been called in for might possibly be done by one smart person who’s proficient with the firm’s specific templates and good with excel. This felt great and it’s strange to me that trying to go above and beyond is also cause to be nervous. But who gives a fuck, genuinely smarter work. Think I’ll have the entire thing done tomorrow.

Then, home, and we + my roof + sun, you know, life isn’t a bad thing. Of course it isn’t always 100% positive, but if you do it right, and you pay attention to what’s actually beautiful, and towards what you want to actually appreciate and excel at, if you cut out the crazing desire that breed hate, life is a great, great thing. Yes it’s sad some of us have it way better than others.

But chances are if you’re reading this, you have it not so bad – pretty good even.  My belief?  Some are happier fighting for what they want  – chances are one WONT win all, but it’ll show what’s worth having, and you’ll be able to move on knowing you gave what you had. But you take responsibility to pursue your own happiness, when you’re against odds – and odds are that you aren’t a happy American cause individual happiness takes a lot of thought for most of us – it turns into a battle. However, once you get lil bits of it, those turn into wins, and maybe you’ll see the best victories are the ones really worth having. (Plus the peace time that comes afterwards can be that much sweeter if you know you did what you should – that’s where the positive vibes really come.)

Also, pumping music

Also, kung fu.

(I also still like having chucked that guy.)

Bye now!