Izziz some mojo back?

It’s one of those things that’re chicken or the egg.  I’ve started going to pretty areas like the UWS a lot more, and it’s the type of thing that’s making me a lil more proud of new york.  So far, UWS seems more peaceful and clean than the sprouting bubs in BK. It’s weird too, because some things are cheaper than brooklyn. (Oranges are important, people.)

NightRoof.  The area’s different by day but I still like a waterview.

The thing about these mecca-spaces is that they’re also a long trainride. To suit, I randomly picked up NON-fiction and . . . it’s giving me a lot to think about. Colder-analysis-me has been surfacing again. It’s, distant. Dettached.  Smarter than the way I normally take on. (Although of course my dumb ole head has to consider and consider and consider personality and what makes for emotion and such.  Realized some other ways I’m weird.  And lot of it I like, and I think the rest is tweakable.

I feel like I’m pretty awesome. Not the bestest evar (yet) but have a lot to offer and enjoy. Stay tuned.

But things aren’t bad at all! Reasons are, reasons. I learned how to some new shit, am doing a great job at some other things that’re important to life, and it’s nice cause I don’t need to say it, and people don’t need to tell me it.

I’m also being a little less open at work, and I think that’s cause it’s professional and smarter and gets me less involved in dumb ways, and have been making and enjoying random conversations at work that aren’t about work during down-time (and I think I can cause, I do a damn good job? And I mean a damn good job) I don’t feel like I’m just contributing to systems that might just go away and say thanks without anything really more in return. (Yes, that’s regarding work.)

It’s also ermazing getting boosts of support in things that really matter to me (FEEDBACKS ISH YESH.) This’s about disjuncture but I also see it as in general – good feedback makes me see beyond my shrewd head and wanna do better.  And, even the running, and my weird new breakfasts seem to be have effects.

On top of that, there’s physicality – even one of my favorite dudes at the office noticed my clothes are fitting different, it’s kinda nice waking up and going “ohcoolmysixpackisback,” and yes it’s real nice when cute tall gals like to make eye contact and smile at you first. Won’t lie, the first one made me grin and take a step funny.

I know this’s just a mixjunk garble of I – but I feel like the sun’s shining in nyc. And maybe this sunniness is making me AND people easier to deal with. And I really like, well not all, of this book I’m reading, but I like the fact is it’s stimulating and calming and that feels good <– I really like that.  Haven’t done that in a while.  And it’s probably the case that I’ve been engaging in too much garbage, and better thoughts, good company, good times, honest realities, and just a lil fucking self respect in the form of taking care of one’s self – yap. Hell yeah.

I’ve been done feeling doubt regarding the last entry’s topic.

I’ve got beefy responses for disjuncture, and

it’s

amazing!

So Bahamut’s 100% on the backburner. (Outlined but halted.) Today I have to do work, then ridiculous work, and then working ridiculously on ridiculously wonderful work.

@Braddix: Thoughtful (SPEEDY) feedbacks of this level sent just because you wanted to is nothing but appreciated.

Thank you thank you thank you!

/rules

Passive aggressive for me? Lets post indignant shit on the interwebz because it always halps our personal narrative when the other party’s just a butt in our minds. My remix:

“I don’t respect people who don’t respect me. 

I am not going to apologize for asserting what I wanted or deserved, too.

I am done settling for people’s perceived acceptable treatment. 

I won’t hold people with close or high regard who take to immediate fuck you texts about how I’ve “clearly got no drive beyond my self justified motivations” 

Who respond by telling me “I’m just a spoiled ass.”

I also won’t reach out to confirm that inflammatory entries with strange timing are above their author, after the author’s proves capable of telling me the above. (Or apologize for not.)

And I am not going to be The Boy who just cries at the end. (Maybe tear up sooner, but learn why and move forward as gracefully as I can manage, which, I think I did! Overall, I give myself a C-)

Or wonder if I’m regarded negatively in tumblr posts.

Dont think thats the same as demanding that you are a weak, appeasing shrew girl

I just don’t celebrate folks who say things like “I just need to cut you out completely” and then explode and tell me that we’re never talking again because I distanced myself on facebook so that I’d think less about the above.”

@The Author

Uh, not really the villain in your tumblr post. In fact – hope that’s some other person.

Cause maybe I was once confused, but it’s super simple : hai don’t be a shrew, and keep doing you.

But here’s a big thing I think is being interpreted as me being like “APOLOGIZE NARRRR” — I just can’t hold people in close or high regard who’re too busy trying to figure villain or victim with regards to me, for goodness to grow. Folks just tend not to relate real well after too much of that.

It’s why I pushed a button online.

Also, I really hate seeing you just flair up with mad . . . you get . . . nasty, and it makes me feel like shit. And even though there’s normally not tiptoing in a dynamic with you, tiptoeing’s what it is here regarding sensitive areas, and you can’t seem to tolerate how a bruised ego can make one walk funny, or that someone doesn’t have to appreciate all your decisions.

(A cool thing about me though is I tend to recharge given enough food  and space – I’ve learned that much.

Come at me haters.)

In the end, I just really hate being regarded like an oppressive spoogemonger / POS with no ambition that’s movable from the outside. Like, nah.
That’s a black hole, and because I am self-involved, the second part actually messes with my head and makes me wonder if I’m just incredibly selfish with everything I actually wanna do, while some things I really oughta do without doubt.

So just, nah.

If it helps, I know what I should do, and’m pretty optimistic about making moar great people really fuckin proud in the end

(Since the first day we talked I always hoped you’d be on that list, but I can’t win everything.)

Yet, there’re still like a million, billion victories to be had. Probly literally.

And I just don’t care to, or wanna to trip over this harder, or again. It’d be nice if you didn’t get that twisted with someone who wants you just to be meek or shrewlike – I just don’t like firebreath summaries of my character that sound like NIN albums.

But just maybe you feel that making me a symbol of what you wanna grow beyond makes that growth more tangible. Alright, have at it.

I also still hope you find whatever it takes to win at happiness, but like you, I meant the part about keeping people who’ll treat me certain ways with a closer, high regard.

(Funny how that works.

Oh, silly digital age.)

I wish the best

^Edit: Apparently the post which triggered above wasn’t about me. Just like every other passive aggressive self afirming personal narrative post that resonates with the situation you wont talk about but bearing resentment about daily  \ too busy doing sabatoging things, possibly to earn the affections of a controlling kid. Possible not. Sure. But gais, gais, remember, direct contact is not optimal, and it’s always important to air your dirty laundry on the interwebz.

Totes normal

2024 edit:

Well I guess it didn’t work out with the guy referenced below.  Neat at first, but he revealed himself to be the type of man who had stopped growing up shortly before graduate school and has a shitton of smol-pp energy that’s exercised in his incessant need to hold a patronizing position too often.  Not really a good friend as much as a patronizing bored guy with a vacuum where he wishes fulfillment was even though he’s already checked a bunch of boxes so sure, he’ll chat.  But he won’t push himself the way I’d like to push myself, so I get when we don’t have a similar way. However he’s the kind of petulant who gets mad when other people don’t push their selves the way he pushes himself, and that’s kind of a big deal when you’re a suburban basement dweller who drives everywhere and married the girl you worked besides at target in college and thought was extra cute at the time, while I’m me. He ended up getting mad because I made him feel dumb and not respected so he sent me a malicious email essay with intentions that made me realize: I had put energy furthering a friendship with doorpunching manchild who’s happy to push others beneath his very not high place in the world, or disregard them.  The signs were there the whole time and I looked past them, and that’s probably because I need to rely on myself to be a champy-champ more.
Said email ended with reactive nonsense about women I attract and definitely didn’t have an envious tone, how good of a father I’ll be (?) and for a big finale instructing me to go run. (I then ran the next world major marathon and it was awesome.) Righteous bullshit like the above is exactly why I advised him to manage his neurodivergence without stimulants.

Anyway, I’ll never have an excuse to post this anywhere so leaving it here 😉

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Reconnected with the graduate adviser I best manned for from behavioral neuroscience lab. His ass is now a Ph. D in doing a cross-professorship in Singapore (GO MAN) and I think he has no clue what I’ve been up to for the last 4 years. (Wonder what’d happen if I shared, but I’m kind of just proud and impressed with what he wrote.) I had such a warm fuzzy feel when I read his response email, and that’s why I put so much into the guy in the first place. And right back, too. He’s got another with a different Way, and I kinda love and hope the best for him too.

Really think it’s important to know what you have, what you can grow, and keep moving forward with the best possible in your gut. Less apprehension, less negativity, but you lose the second your spirit is more deconstructive or insecure than constructive towards what you see is a better end. That advice goes for everyone . . .

Anyway, went to MOCCA yesterday. It’s pretty much the Indie-comicon.

This thing^

For 5 bucks you get lots of comics, books, styles, people selling and giving away cool shtuff, and you will see how all these illustrators, both starting and established, are putting themselves out there. Was a little flooded, but a great time. Hit the park after and at first, I guess I had my normal mix-vampire reaction to the sun. Here are some silly pictures as proof

cause then, like many things, I got used to it sorta fast.

And then, no one even knows

Went to a talk after, and i’m not sure I loved the academia pretentious NPR vibe. But daydrinking and night shmoke and pokes makes me think hey, not bad.

Disjuncture’s getting a lot of polish (this’s where my 4am’s been going)

Sushi buffet Sunday. Yeyeyey. I understand that taking pictures of great foods that you food is a new trend, so this is a picture of the glass of water that came with it.

It was almost as delicious as my cat

/endrant

Lana Del Rey is my newest favorite performer follow. I’ll admit, I thought she was just anxy pop. But then I saw this, and get the feeling she did this all by herself:

Responds to marshal mathers

Followed by

Hilarious interview

AND I LOVE HER. She’s one of those immaculate fucked up sorts. Her music is also all over the place, and it’s intricate and vintage and new. And I don’t care, I like it.

In total,

Lana Del Rey > Marylin Monroe.

There, I said it.

*uses rest of break to send another query*

So I’m improving up a few things, and pretty sure it’ll make me more like the best. And guess what.  A few people have already given compliments that make me have to gracefully take said compliments.

(It’s not hard to say “Hey! I’ll take it.”)

*Ash’s new place is a big legit chill brooklyn tech-pad and I missed these

I know not why the team effort of riding a misquitocopter through wafts of jungle terrorists is so captivating and heartwarming, but it just is ok?

No idea how passing out last night happened as early as it did. I also dreamed, which’s really rare since I turned 12.
And in said dream, it mirrored events of the night where I had been having dranks, BUT, suddenly I woke up in bed and had to go to work. And was still really drunk.
(Which’s a dream discrepency, I wasn’t drunk last night. But that’s not the point. I sure woke up in the dream super drunk, lurid, stumbling, tipping, slurring – the type of drunk feels that’re good to dislike)
And I remember consciously deciding that I’ll sober up by the time I make it in, which, is re-re. Nope, dream me didn’t sober up one bit, and was aware of stumbling everywhere. I remember some coworkers were like “WUZ WRONG WITH HIM” and all I remember is belligerantly and so-brilliantly defying with, “LemmealoneImmascreen, now!” (Screening = doing cases)
I felt like a mess. And here’s a thing that gets me.

I’m pretty sure I did cases.

In my dream.

While Dream-Drunk.

Cause I woke up, and remember feeling like I had done screenings. I can do the main function of my dayjob on autopilot, and with the way paradoxical sleep works, it’s possible I activated the parts of my brain that allow for that in my sleep. Therefore, yep, to my thinking, I did cases virtually and in my sleep.
I don’t even care if I made a drunken error on them, a point is: That’s a bit much.
Like omgerd

I think this’s less of a dream about acting like an alky, as much as one bearing the fact that this function has gotten into my subconscious real hard. And maybe the assembly worker dreaming about being on the assembly line should consider breaking that routine. Eh?
Aaaanyway, just don’t be surprised, blogpage, if I’m not doing this job in May that I could do in my sleep. Yes, I’m still feeling a lil Bohemian. And cmon, maybe I should be chasing after wet dreams, not ones where I’m too wet and being a wetodded, inebriated work-horse.