I’ve been done feeling doubt regarding the last entry’s topic.
I’ve got beefy responses for disjuncture, and
it’s
amazing!
So Bahamut’s 100% on the backburner. (Outlined but halted.) Today I have to do work, then ridiculous work, and then working ridiculously on ridiculously wonderful work.
@Braddix: Thoughtful (SPEEDY) feedbacks of this level sent just because you wanted to is nothing but appreciated.
Thank you thank you thank you!
/rules
Passive aggressive for me? Lets post indignant shit on the interwebz because it always halps our personal narrative when the other party’s just a butt in our minds. My remix:
“I don’t respect people who don’t respect me.
I am not going to apologize for asserting what I wanted or deserved, too.
I am done settling for people’s perceived acceptable treatment.
I won’t hold people with close or high regard who take to immediate fuck you texts about how I’ve “clearly got no drive beyond my self justified motivations”
Who respond by telling me “I’m just a spoiled ass.”
I also won’t reach out to confirm that inflammatory entries with strange timing are above their author, after the author’s proves capable of telling me the above. (Or apologize for not.)
And I am not going to be The Boy who just cries at the end. (Maybe tear up sooner, but learn why and move forward as gracefully as I can manage, which, I think I did! Overall, I give myself a C-)
Or wonder if I’m regarded negatively in tumblr posts.
Dont think thats the same as demanding that you are a weak, appeasing shrew girl
I just don’t celebrate folks who say things like “I just need to cut you out completely” and then explode and tell me that we’re never talking again because I distanced myself on facebook so that I’d think less about the above.”
@The Author
Uh, not really the villain in your tumblr post. In fact – hope that’s some other person.
Cause maybe I was once confused, but it’s super simple : hai don’t be a shrew, and keep doing you.
But here’s a big thing I think is being interpreted as me being like “APOLOGIZE NARRRR” — I just can’t hold people in close or high regard who’re too busy trying to figure villain or victim with regards to me, for goodness to grow. Folks just tend not to relate real well after too much of that.
It’s why I pushed a button online.
Also, I really hate seeing you just flair up with mad . . . you get . . . nasty, and it makes me feel like shit. And even though there’s normally not tiptoing in a dynamic with you, tiptoeing’s what it is here regarding sensitive areas, and you can’t seem to tolerate how a bruised ego can make one walk funny, or that someone doesn’t have to appreciate all your decisions.
(A cool thing about me though is I tend to recharge given enough food and space – I’ve learned that much.
Come at me haters.)
In the end, I just really hate being regarded like an oppressive spoogemonger / POS with no ambition that’s movable from the outside. Like, nah.
That’s a black hole, and because I am self-involved, the second part actually messes with my head and makes me wonder if I’m just incredibly selfish with everything I actually wanna do, while some things I really oughta do without doubt.
So just, nah.
If it helps, I know what I should do, and’m pretty optimistic about making moar great people really fuckin proud in the end
(Since the first day we talked I always hoped you’d be on that list, but I can’t win everything.)
Yet, there’re still like a million, billion victories to be had. Probly literally.
And I just don’t care to, or wanna to trip over this harder, or again. It’d be nice if you didn’t get that twisted with someone who wants you just to be meek or shrewlike – I just don’t like firebreath summaries of my character that sound like NIN albums.
But just maybe you feel that making me a symbol of what you wanna grow beyond makes that growth more tangible. Alright, have at it.
I also still hope you find whatever it takes to win at happiness, but like you, I meant the part about keeping people who’ll treat me certain ways with a closer, high regard.
(Funny how that works.
Oh, silly digital age.)
I wish the best
^Edit: Apparently the post which triggered above wasn’t about me. Just like every other passive aggressive self afirming personal narrative post that resonates with the situation you wont talk about but bearing resentment about daily \ too busy doing sabatoging things, possibly to earn the affections of a controlling kid. Possible not. Sure. But gais, gais, remember, direct contact is not optimal, and it’s always important to air your dirty laundry on the interwebz.
The netflix daredevil series is pretty great. Especially for a superhero show. Right amount of violence, style, flair. And it feels like (even though it’s not the case) Daredevil is more of an anti-villain than a superhero, and I dig that so much more than batman and superman’s b.s.
Batman and superman are overhyped. There, I said it.
There’s a scene mid-way through the series, once Daredevil starts exploring his relationship with his love interest, and she’s starting to catch on to who he really is and what’s becoming, and of course it scares her. Daredevil, being the ballsiest bamf in NYC, is of course brutally honest.
Which is actually a similarity between him and kingpin. They both explore their romance in extremely similar ways) and the writing’s pretty kickass in likening the bamf levels of both characters, making them perfectly parallel, and even gives both the archvillain and protagonist the same dream, but gives both different backgrounds and resources establishes how they operate. That’s the difference between the two. (And that’s why I love good guys who aren’t good because it’s good to be good, and bad guys who have a good reason for being bad.)
Both characters are narcassistic. And equally as unpsychopathic. I like how their relationships work out.
After DareDevil admits that he likes to hurt people. He likes the violence (this’s actually why he’s a superhero – it’s said he’s got a touch of the devil. And, maybe it’s christian-derrived or not, who cares – the point is daredevil’s MO is to push his gifts and love of violence and uses it for good, without going too far. It’s like a man who loves to steal, but decides to steal from the rich, and not enough to make them poor, but also way different than robin hood.)
Well this of course scares his love interest Rosario Dawson. And it should, too. Rosario is a nurse – a healer – and she’s lived a life plagued by people who perpetrate unnecessary violence. Of course she’d abhor it as a concept. And what’s best, is she questions DareDevil if this is actually true. She questions it because she doesn’t wanna believe it, and of course, smart, lawyer DD is well aware of the weight of his answers.
Yet without apology, he doesn’t deny it anyway. (Sign of a great human? Putting forth truth, unabashed?)
Whats interesting to me here is when its important to not compromise and when its important to adjust. Says a lot about the character and what moves them. Anyway
Rosario knows DareDevil’s dreams, and DD’s ultimate ambition. Rosario even almost says she loves him, it’s on the tip of her tongue (it’s excellent how that’s done, it raises expectations that this’s a conversation about love before it dives into being one. Piques the audience)
She goes “I don’t know if you’re really the man I” (pause) “-that I believe you to be.”
This is part of the trouble with revealing an aspect of someone. But it’s still part of the magic of connecting. Growths lead to novel things.
DareDevil starts to get frustrated. Sez, “What do you want from me?”
She goes “What you do is important” she doesn’t want to change him, or make him a thing for her.
And then she unloads, “I just don’t think I can let myself fall in love with someone who’s . . . .so damn close to becoming what he hates.”
Which is a beautiful line.
Daredevil goes “You’re right . . .” *Starts moving* “. . . you shouldn’t.”
And then he walks away.
Kingpin’s relationship follows the same model.
I’ve got no closing point for that. Just, hello, this’s a superhero show, and it’s finally got deepening developing relationships with some of the boldest personality types possible. Which other comic flicks do this – Iron Man? The Watchmen?
No, it’s usually the case that the subject of a hero’s love can’t know their identity. And, all I’m thinking now is, the biggest tragedy of these characters is that they will usually live and die alone, doing what they were driven to do, being loved, abhorred, and painted, for standing out as aspects of what they are. It’s rare to find a character who leads a campaign under an alias, who’s also able to court and form true antagonism to loneliness. When you do dangerous, selfish, reckless things, when you’re that into your self, even if people say they love you – they might be Lois Lane, and have a courted and distant understanding that superman is somewhere between Clark Kent and SuperMan (which’s why Superman will always call Mom, mom.)
And, the audience knows that’s probably not the end. But that’s part of the conflict, and the tension that makes this so much more interesting than DD just getting . . . less DD. The strength of DD’s love for what he has to do overrules what potential this nurse can offer, and, to be true to himself, DD has to fight his own battle. Of course this’ll scare Dawson, but doesn’t the audience want to keep paying attention to see if something can grow instead of being boxed, and how?
I like it, and think this resonates because in the real world, where we don’t put on strange outfits to do strange things (unless going to Coachella.) I think to make real connections, you have to be brave and find the right opportunities to be bold about yourself. You have to accept that some people will despise and paint you poorly for trying to do the best towards your dreams. That should be ok, so long as folks pick the right folks. (Maybe the ones who really deserve to be in your life won’t lash out and tell you to not be you as you stumble and run through life’s journey.)
I also think boys (and me) admire daredevil cause he doesn’t trip or get it twisted. He doesn’t give up his dream, or get boxed into being one of his aspects.
Which doesn’t have to be the worst thing in the world, either. Tons of people settle for actually only being what they’re known for. I just think DareDevil’s a much more interesting superhero plotline if he can be DareDevil and find troo wuv for everything that he is, and so far that seems to be happening.
2024 edit:
Well I guess it didn’t work out with the guy referenced below. Neat at first, but he revealed himself to be the type of man who had stopped growing up shortly before graduate school and has a shitton of smol-pp energy that’s exercised in his incessant need to hold a patronizing position too often. Not really a good friend as much as a patronizing bored guy with a vacuum where he wishes fulfillment was even though he’s already checked a bunch of boxes so sure, he’ll chat. But he won’t push himself the way I’d like to push myself, so I get when we don’t have a similar way. However he’s the kind of petulant who gets mad when other people don’t push their selves the way he pushes himself, and that’s kind of a big deal when you’re a suburban basement dweller who drives everywhere and married the girl you worked besides at target in college and thought was extra cute at the time, while I’m me. He ended up getting mad because I made him feel dumb and not respected so he sent me a malicious email essay with intentions that made me realize: I had put energy furthering a friendship with doorpunching manchild who’s happy to push others beneath his very not high place in the world, or disregard them. The signs were there the whole time and I looked past them, and that’s probably because I need to rely on myself to be a champy-champ more.
Said email ended with reactive nonsense about women I attract and definitely didn’t have an envious tone, how good of a father I’ll be (?) and for a big finale instructing me to go run. (I then ran the next world major marathon and it was awesome.) Righteous bullshit like the above is exactly why I advised him to manage his neurodivergence without stimulants.
Anyway, I’ll never have an excuse to post this anywhere so leaving it here 😉
___________________________________________________________________________________________
Reconnected with the graduate adviser I best manned for from behavioral neuroscience lab. His ass is now a Ph. D in doing a cross-professorship in Singapore (GO MAN) and I think he has no clue what I’ve been up to for the last 4 years. (Wonder what’d happen if I shared, but I’m kind of just proud and impressed with what he wrote.) I had such a warm fuzzy feel when I read his response email, and that’s why I put so much into the guy in the first place. And right back, too. He’s got another with a different Way, and I kinda love and hope the best for him too.
Really think it’s important to know what you have, what you can grow, and keep moving forward with the best possible in your gut. Less apprehension, less negativity, but you lose the second your spirit is more deconstructive or insecure than constructive towards what you see is a better end. That advice goes for everyone . . .
Anyway, went to MOCCA yesterday. It’s pretty much the Indie-comicon.
This thing^
For 5 bucks you get lots of comics, books, styles, people selling and giving away cool shtuff, and you will see how all these illustrators, both starting and established, are putting themselves out there. Was a little flooded, but a great time. Hit the park after and at first, I guess I had my normal mix-vampire reaction to the sun. Here are some silly pictures as proof
cause then, like many things, I got used to it sorta fast.
And then, no one even knows
Went to a talk after, and i’m not sure I loved the academia pretentious NPR vibe. But daydrinking and night shmoke and pokes makes me think hey, not bad.
Disjuncture’s getting a lot of polish (this’s where my 4am’s been going)
Sushi buffet Sunday. Yeyeyey. I understand that taking pictures of great foods that you food is a new trend, so this is a picture of the glass of water that came with it.
It was almost as delicious as my cat
/endrant
Lana Del Rey is my newest favorite performer follow. I’ll admit, I thought she was just anxy pop. But then I saw this, and get the feeling she did this all by herself:
Responds to marshal mathers
Followed by
Hilarious interview
AND I LOVE HER. She’s one of those immaculate fucked up sorts. Her music is also all over the place, and it’s intricate and vintage and new. And I don’t care, I like it.
In total,
Lana Del Rey > Marylin Monroe.
There, I said it.
*uses rest of break to send another query*
So I’m improving up a few things, and pretty sure it’ll make me more like the best. And guess what. A few people have already given compliments that make me have to gracefully take said compliments.
(It’s not hard to say “Hey! I’ll take it.”)
*Ash’s new place is a big legit chill brooklyn tech-pad and I missed these
I know not why the team effort of riding a misquitocopter through wafts of jungle terrorists is so captivating and heartwarming, but it just is ok?
No idea how passing out last night happened as early as it did. I also dreamed, which’s really rare since I turned 12.
And in said dream, it mirrored events of the night where I had been having dranks, BUT, suddenly I woke up in bed and had to go to work. And was still really drunk.
(Which’s a dream discrepency, I wasn’t drunk last night. But that’s not the point. I sure woke up in the dream super drunk, lurid, stumbling, tipping, slurring – the type of drunk feels that’re good to dislike)
And I remember consciously deciding that I’ll sober up by the time I make it in, which, is re-re. Nope, dream me didn’t sober up one bit, and was aware of stumbling everywhere. I remember some coworkers were like “WUZ WRONG WITH HIM” and all I remember is belligerantly and so-brilliantly defying with, “LemmealoneImmascreen, now!” (Screening = doing cases)
I felt like a mess. And here’s a thing that gets me.
I’m pretty sure I did cases.
In my dream.
While Dream-Drunk.
Cause I woke up, and remember feeling like I had done screenings. I can do the main function of my dayjob on autopilot, and with the way paradoxical sleep works, it’s possible I activated the parts of my brain that allow for that in my sleep. Therefore, yep, to my thinking, I did cases virtually and in my sleep.
I don’t even care if I made a drunken error on them, a point is: That’s a bit much.
Like omgerd
I think this’s less of a dream about acting like an alky, as much as one bearing the fact that this function has gotten into my subconscious real hard. And maybe the assembly worker dreaming about being on the assembly line should consider breaking that routine. Eh?
Aaaanyway, just don’t be surprised, blogpage, if I’m not doing this job in May that I could do in my sleep. Yes, I’m still feeling a lil Bohemian. And cmon, maybe I should be chasing after wet dreams, not ones where I’m too wet and being a wetodded, inebriated work-horse.
G’bye Jessica! G’bye, g’bye!
My sis kicks ass. Still not sure why she talks or acts like a guy (it’s even in her tone, Way, and speech patterns, and to this day it shocks me if a girl acts like they can’t be this.) She’s also smart enough to be rational, and nutty. Ok, as her brother sometimes she’s insane, but she’s still lovely, and I dig her Way.
She also said a couple things I’m still thinking about, and was said in one of those warm fuzzy realtalks. She advised me with such good criticism of a thing I do, and called it neatly, and I don’t think I’m even appreciating what she called out because she’s known me most of my life, or is my sister. I appreciate her criticism cause she nailed it, and the effect I can have when I mean to do well.
Maybe I’ll share more later. But who gives a damn. You’ve just gotta love people who give food for thought. That’s the point.
And on that note; I got a text last night from someone else who rules after a downed bottle of wine, stress-wise. (I think it was stress-wise.) Said stress was due to the fact that she has a job interview, and felt conflicted. Think it’s cold feet.
Called and to me (and to her too) it sounds like she’s got the job before she’s even walked through the interview, and all she has to do during said view of inter, is not bungle it up. So now she’s in “What if I seriously” mode, and this is where the cold feet come in. This’s where I’m super happy to lend some support, and it touches on a general thing, so of course I’m gonna make that the subject of my stupurfied lunch rant today:
I pointed out she kind of painted herself into this corner cause she did a great job of negotiating a high salary for where she is (oh boy does she earn it too) and, her current field is more lucrative. So of course the new job’d pay less. (The new job also seems to have people who don’t seem to truly respect her time so far, and may be disorganized, although the last part’s actually good cause her role would be in improving their organization. )
The job is also in an area that’s SUPER up her real alley, (ooh, ooh, and mine) and, that’s amazingsauce. In fact, this work would would test her feet in the field she’s getting her master’s in immeeediately after obtaining one (and hey, 99% of the time, ain’t that why one gets the degree) and, I looked up the person offering the position. And that woman must be a nut, because she’s pioneered and started some amazing things.
Their organization would also make this true: this job would provide soul crushing divas/divos, OR mentors, or both, and as this person is young 20’s – that’s just what’s needed in life, isn’t it? Mentors. Everyone knows that a person who’ll teach you how you’ll fish is more valuable than a thousand fishies. Additionally, opportunity for career advancement. Just looking at an annual salary is just looking at a cube or a field, and we’re too young for that shit.
My two cents: Hey hi, I’ve spent the last year making moneys. A little more, but, after that, and realizing maybe I could obtain a future where I make MORE moneys, and little more, and there’s still anxiety in that: I realized how that seems to feel stagnated, while still doing the stuff our world says you’re a good citizen living a good life for doing.
I’m on a verge of making big unconventional decisions, and it’s probably because I agree with that song by Seal. (Just a reasonable amount of crazy though. Insane breaks the membrane.) I also like that Neil Gaiman is a vagabond. I like how focused and driven I was in my starving artist phase more than the last 6 months where I’ve been a yuppy poopdeck.
Well, this gal had a moment where, she realized that all their life she’s been telling herself that the money doesn’t really matter, cause it’s easy to be romantic when you’re life is idealistic. (Just like it’s easy to say that eating what you love it eat is most important, when you have great metabolism.) Then the winetime began, cause yesterday she weighed the upper end of her offer, and got the cold feet that one should get (I do) when sanely making a serious decision, and realized shell have no disposable income of shes living in the UWS apartment she’s grown to really love. It’s important to love where you are, too. And sacrifices have to be weighed before they happen.
And said sacrifices aren’t mine to weigh. I’ve just got my opinion, and every smart person, including this applicant, will have theirs. So I’m not gonna ramble further than that. My position clearly is though, she should probably do it. This’s also a grown-ass person decision tho.
I’ll still share that I went through the same mental “should I?” EVERY TIME I took a real job. (In fact, it’s telling what one doesn’t say “SHOULD I?” at.) However, I think my feet’d be a little warmer, and that it’s really the apartment holding her back. I think, that the opportunities this’d offer to her future, the fact that it’s related to her interests (and um, not gonna lie, mine too) and the fact that she’ll be surrounded by people who are into the same things: That’s many people’s dream. That’s the dream for lots. And she wants to do more than that, and hey accepting if maybe you need to walk over some paint that you cornered yourself with might let you get to the store and buy kickass new shoes anyway.
So I’m clear, and I believe, don’t let 5 digits put you in front of a window you don’t wanna be in front of, unless you gotta, and those digits are your fingers. Salary might be one of those things that’s an excuse and a cop out to keep yourself in line and underneath people who need you available to tie their tie.
Lastly, um, I’m not gonna post it now, but for the next book I want to write, it’s about a DJ. Stuff is gonna happen to prove he’s a music maker. And lately on train rides I’ve been hit to make . . . poems. Or lyrics rather. Ok, whatever, I just wrote a couple. But I’m gonna save them cause they’re musical in my head, and maybe they’ll be usable after the character crafts a song. And I’m gonna keep doing that. But please don’t interpret me as an emo high schooler doing poems if I post one of those here. I still don’t generally really admire poetry, and a good novel is always a bigger winner for me.
Had a great weekend! Sis is in town. I love her, and proud of her. (She even seems proud of me, I love that too.) We threw small parties, for the first time ever she actually got to meet some of my people, AND THEY LOVED EACH OTHER, and oh yeah, and I love that too. Today’s her last day, and this should be interesting. But we real talked. Got into real ethics. She helped me out with the old man by setting things straight. We repaired the home (she’s more DIY than me . . . like she’s got some badass construction in her apparently) I balanced what I wanted to, and so love not minding being sleep deprived right now.
Now I also want to clear something up in general, and it is also in response to a specific event:
Anyone who knows me knows I’ve been a big mouth on xanga, and that I’ve always had issues with venting what’s raw and on my mind, while occasionally saying too much, or too soon, etc. Sometimes complicating things with complicating feels get an entry. Maybe that’s dumb, but if I’m driven to post, and do, i promise to not just be an egomaniac. I’ll always try not to piss people off if some insult is being made is just cause I’m feeling hot headed. Finally I’ll try not to just degrade or demean people who’re actually just being people. Most of my friends aren’t perfect though, and sometimes my head breaks that down.
So here goes, if that ever appears to slip and I appear to do nothing more than break you down like a douche:
If you know me, and I write something that offends you, makes you feel bad, or horrible please do not message me with attacks for it. Really, dont tell me why I wrote an entry, or try to get in some last word. Please. It burns bridges.
I don’t name names unless it’s in a positive light. But, I also want to make this my blog, and, I’m flawed, and as/whenever I’m trying to evolve flawed processes, bullshit might spew or happen. And I never want to spin things just to make myself look good, (In fact, a good deal of my entries are mews about what I should or could be doing better, and make me look pretty flawed and dumb. I keep them out there for reasons, and generally do little more than hope I’m not attacked for them by others.
I’m also not going to spin what I do here as a virtuous attempt to be honest or something. Ericisthebest is simply whatever it is. Its a great and a silly, personal page right now.
What I do here really is mostly limited to processing, sharing, or leaving notes for the future. You can bet your bottom I do try to inspire, but really, I like this page as a reading and writing exercise regarding life, and love offering it as something that others maybe could get something out of (entertainment, contact, ideas, maybe inspiration) by plugging into. Keyword: maybe. However, it’s hurtful to both parties every time it’s happened that someone’s revealed they can’t take a written perception about some state of things, or reveals something is too disturbed to be worth relating for real.
If it comes to a complicated feeling, there’s a good chance that I’m rambling about what comes to mind during different state and phases of awareness. There’s a good chance that I’m expressing sentiments that are not permanent, because that’s the nature of feelings, and if my feelings on an issue bother you, I’d respect the person who lets me know I’ve disturbed them (I might surprise them too) way more than someone who wants to counter-burn instead. Lastly, know that asking my motives > telling me what they are, or just keep it to yourself if you actually don’t wanna know what’s going through my head, or just feel like you know and have made a closed and final judgement, and’re just able to insult me about it.
I suppose scorn = damage, and is just ugly on anyone. And who wants who to be ugly, anyway?
Anyway, this site’s silly, it’s very imperfect, and of course I’m nervous about the idea that I can make a clumsy entry and piss someone off, or posting something that’ll be used against me, but that’s the way it is sometimes. Please just bear in mind, I know this is an inane blog and it’s not a real platform. I so want to be much more than an aggrandizing guy, and while I intend to be writer-man, which means living inside my head a LOT, I actually can’t do that well, unless I connect with a life that’s outside my head too. (That’s a fact, jack.) Following: I work to evolve mas merit and respond to people who deserve it, I really do.
Yet burning bridges with an entry has got to be one of the most fail uses of modern technology today. So maybe please just leave me for a good while, or for ever, if scorn is all Ive inspired, eh?
Bridgeburning via blogs will never be my goal, (I’d tell you directly why you suck and should die in a fire, first) but if that happens, it’s a shame, and something probably went real wrong outside this page anyway.
I do understand a lot more than how things just feel at any time, and had to write this because it’s a genuine disclaimer: cause I’m giving myself permission to be a little raw here. I understand that’s always a risk when blogging, and not normal one to take, and that if the heat is too hot that some people will not be able to stay in the kitchen, but i still think everyone who matters is able to take a bit of my perception without destroying all.
I think that’s who I am, I think I’m more pleasant than hostile at heart, which is why I’m ok with giving myself that permission, and I think it’s fair if people wanna take it or leave that.
#Increases Caution
#Wants to be Considerate
#Is also Eric, too
Eric is the Best 