Well. On one level, even enjoying some happy. Grandma and sis and life and options and stuff is kew.Can even make do and still make out like a bandit if I play my cards right.

On another level, and dont take this as emo, can still feel a little torn inside even while enjoying a great weekend with great people – and, maybe these torn feels aren’t the worst thing ever. Possibly even a good thing . . .. Felt like a source of my stupid holes, really.

Im handling it privately, and ill be fine, so read on, but only if you dare

So the sun came up in my room this morning over recently polished shelves. And, I know how stupid that sounds cause, who gives a shit that they’re recently polished – but that point is it feels extra nice after polishing them because they were scary before, and the only way things became nice was with the effort. Before i was looking passed them, honestly.

So the house is chilling out, and I’m appreciating “oh they’re nice,” and thinking how I can appreciate stuff again, yey, while at the same time my chest still feels a little heavy too. Then something caved in with the realization of and realized y’know, maybe I super deserve to feel a lil torn between tougher feels, more than angry after all. Torn isn’t just a natalie imbegulia song people. Sure torn as in ripped, but also split between multiple feels, theres a lil sad, a little mad, a little hope, and a little remorse, and now curiosity about my future (and curiosity > trepidation.)  Also, I don’t think I’m the sort who feels torn about most decisions, while I do indulge anger a good bit. Herp derp – suppose that there is a fail reason for that. So like an eric i consider this:

Anger is nice and simple, one of those recourses that’s easy to take when you see a situation’s backed into a corner. And it’s really most just useful for killing enemy monkeys. (That’s probly why I never really disrespected victor when he preferred to feel sad over being mad, everytime he did. Cause my way is also kind of dumb if I can’t be humble enough to work in a little polish, yet still expect things to be super nice.) Like what, these shelves were proof – isn’t that a thing I might do? I left then stained for years….

Right then, sunrise, and like the stains, I ended up thinking I am the source of my life’s bullshit too, and that most of it is a reaction to me. I can trace it everywhere I’ve left anger into something close to home. I think the idea is that if it deserves to be close to home it deserves a lil more than just angry treatment.

Herp derp.

Anyway, the last entry would have been wiser if anger wasnt just my apparent focus. I was feeling a little hurt from how i was weighed, and some things ive recognized, and trying to sort through and process negative feels that remained in hindsight on my own (other party involved had done more than their share, it was my issue) and anger was what stuck out the next day most to me. I was also getting upset that i was starting to feel embittering lessons while i was in this mental place, that really bugged.  I did a 240 word entry that was 220 words longer than it needed to be afore i went to grandma, and that elaboration aggravated everyone involved. I underestimated how stingful mad would be to what this person did really worked for. I embittered others with ideas i was hating as i hated them.

Well, right now I just want to hold my hat and point out I don’t really intend that. And its better for everyone to let it be whatever it is and appreciate life. So thats whats up.

Still, on top of that it’s a tough truth to take, yet maybe a good one to appreciate getting to take: I also incite, or escalate, um, most of my life’s bullshit. Yep. And that anger is something i can share too easily, and maybe thats a cop-out too.  And that super sucks cause i hate if I help inspire douchebaggery x900, or ice queenality, or whatever, and realized hey, shit, fuck, maybe I’ve contributed to more than i credit. And I never ever want to make excuses for being a douche or scumbag myself, and hey, maybe I’ve started to do that too and yeah. Dafuq.

Like this isn’t to say I’m completely the worst demon asshead ever just say . . . . just suppose I can avoid being ethically reckless douche in general, or scumbag ever. Im not to allow embittering inclinations help me rationalize being an icey douche in general. Ill be pissed.

I think life can be pretty great if you do your way neatly and right by the right folks when possible, and I can name a few examples of people like that. If anything, there’s a lot of good in seeing that.

I’m still lucky. I think there’s a lot of balls for doing right by others who’re worth it – not being a douche or scumquat especially when it’s easier to reason through feels that’ll actually make you a neg-cesspool. Guess I feel so cheesey about this idea that I actually start to envy Rajeev’s way about things, cause I get the impression from recent texts that he still knows this and maybe that in the end this makes him wiser than I.

Like I said life still can be pretty sunny and kew too, and I think everyone making the best of it is still the best. . . .

That’s really all I’ve got to say.

Happy Easter, everyone.

You know, i think women will either look at me as a man, a dork, a bad boy, or an interesting guy depending on what they want.  Theyre all aspects of what I am, and aspects change when you change seats. Thats why theyre aspects.

Sorting my personal shit out.

(STILL NEED TO ESCAPE THE WHITE ROOM AND SCREEN ROUTINE UNLESS ITS MINE, WORD IS WAY MORE FUN THAN EXCEL!!!)

Decided to stick it home and teleharrang a bunch of strange and wondiferous people

(My shoulders are looking good.  Not sure how that happened.)

So it’s very easy to make me fiery and passionate still. Still have lots to say about a lot, apparently, yet, at the same time wow, I can’t be this way at a grudge.

Y’know currently, naturally large part of me’s even a lil mad about how some tactics came about and were received. Like yar blubberbottoms, thar be shortcoming that’s not all me.

But on that note . . . that’s not fully life’s answer, either, and even asserting how things coulda gone better here right now, isn’t super important. Growth potential is. Shit that’s measurable.

So, y’know.

(And it’s a very hard y’know.)

Not forgetting that life becomes stop listening to bad music and trying to do the best with everything else that I can. Shitty music like this!

Anyway, right now from what I see, the words above really seem to be the bottom line. I mean, I can’t make it clear that something beautiful about relationships is that some are different in complimentary ways, but only when there’s a merging of operations more than a domination is all wonderful.  Nothing less. I like that cause it means that people didn’t just have western flaws in their relationship.

^I’m sure that’s bonkers to most people. Which’s why I get to consider and figure my own way.

So blaah blaaah blaaaah.  I’m obviously gonna have to shelve that whole fiasco’s negative.

You’re a moron if you don’t get it after 3000 words: It’s tragic it’s negative. I’m sickof it myself.  The horse has been beaten, to a near death state, and then fondled, and now is gonna get to pasture for a while.

And bronies suck ass, anyway.

Why do I wanna point out that being super rational can be good and bad? I shpoose a negative crux of my rationality is that, it’s combined with how I can also be kinda dominating of conversation. In that, people being passive might be out rationalized and go fuckit. I think I really really really should work on that – until I’ve truly and fully listened, first.

My cat is also very petable, and random phone dials I’ve still got some great people to help sort the rest of my life’s effort out. (Still think I should be the main one to do that tho. Hence blather blather like this.)

It’s easy to lose sight of that when you’re just being shrewd.

I also liked how the stigma of a porn star came into conversation naturally! Led to Belinda going “whoa this seems like an issue that’s very close to home or something to you”  which went into a conversation about disjuncture just now.   I’ll say it: I have more perspective of on female porn stars than most women. (Excluding female pr0nstars, of course.) It’s because I think they’re people too.

Come at me, try me!

**Uh, if anyone else wants to have a randomly fun deep soulfun conversation in the next couple of hours drop a line!**

Edit:  Randomly happened

iShayne: Lol np
iShayne: So
iShayne: I don’t what your reaction would be but I’ll just go ahead lol
iShayne: So I’m looking for someone who is willing to sell their GA account because I do not have an alternative account yet and I want one, and I would make a good offer if you’d be interested and payment would be done via paypal
Erryc: ah that’s flattering and all
iShayne: I mean I hardly see you on GAA
Erryc: the account’s too personal for me lol
iShayne: That’s why I’m asking
Erryc: I’ve got a master’s degree of time invested in it
iShayne: Lol yeah I understand
iShayne: Np

^It’s a video game account. So in this case we’re not even gonna talk money because I will insist on an unreasonable amount.

And I sure have a lot more in me than video games and pr0n stars.

So yes to moar telephone, people.

Feeling far better since writing in the dark this morning. Wondering about the future, while having confidence in some ideas, which is making me far less toolish and sucked into some BS around here.  I’m actually digging that.

I love the movie After the Dark.  It’s silly.  It replaces the words “Role playing” with the words “thought experiment”  but it’s an interestingly executed premise too.

There’s a line where the professor’s all like to Bill, “What’s your best asset”

and Bill (who’s name isn’t really Bill, but who gives a shit) goes “I’m a pacifist.”

Which, I think is weird.  How’s one come to the conclusion that being a pacifist = best quality?  But whatever. That’s not the point.

I’m feeling, determined again. That esteem makes me wanna esteem what I wanna esteem.  And I weighed it out, and think one of my most distinct qualities is being me.  Heartfully.

But you know what I think my best quality?  My balls.

(I mean my figurative balls, duh. Although there’s a joke in there.)

Balls are how I’ve accomplished everything I was glad I did.  Balls also made me go above and beyond after recognizing I wanted to. Balls simplify that.

And I need to feel like they’re there too. You could pay me all the money in the world to act on deflated confidence, and I can only do it if I’m confident that I should have deflated confidence.  Basically, what I’m saying is the drive towards what you want in life right now, it feels invaluable.  Like everything. 

Look, I’m possibly a crazy person in the end.  I’m driven to grow with things I haven’t seen ANYONE ELSE want to, not the same way, not as well, and not being willing to give up as much in the process.  Balls.

But it is true too that I stand by and watch, stalk, for opportunity sometimes.  (Having balls is not to be confused with being reckless.) But even my muddah noticed it in me when I was that kid who was hanging around other kids playing, and wondering if I wanted to jump in.  We both know I had to see the games being played, and who I’d be playing with first.  (Cause sometimes, it’s worth walking away.)

But, when you wanna jump in and play

write a book

changing your life into what you want

Balls can be very worth having.

One thing I’ve noticed in my world is that i CAN do whatever the hell I want, and as long as I’m clear about it and determined, no matter how crazy (“yo I’m gonna lock myself away for days and push these buttons cause I feel I need to. I love ya, but don’t bother me.”) in the end, when people see I’m real, they tend to support whatever I’m after.

(Especially the ones who matter.  There’s something to be said for that!)

Which also makes me feel much more confident about doing what it takes to be the opposite a yuppie scumbag.

So yeah I don’t like how I woke up. (Totes cool with how I looked though.)

And I don’t see myself as being the type to wallow in sentiments like that if lasting, without making changes.

The only thing I like about Francis Underwood is that he goes after what he wants.

(And has a groovy soundtrack.)

His manipulative bullshit aside – and for the record, I don’t really think his conniving heart has lotsa virtue – fact is that he also has balls and bravery in his pursuit of what he wants.

That’s actually the only thing I like and respect about his character.

Anyway, I’m still considering and thinking. Bottom line though: I truly feel less scummy when moving out of any psychological cesspool, and think I shouldn’t stop.

Nah

I fucking hate waking up at night all of a sudden

I hate that the sparked fire creates the same urges to send ridiculous and direct poems of the most delicious kinds of dirt

But now that maybe I’m best off, keeping them in a drafts folder or even just thinking about it

During which life’s ants will take my sugar away?

Just a stupid anxiety I’m swallowing. . .

Questionable urges tend to get diverted in questionable ways . . .

One truth is I untapped latent anger on my run home yesterday

(I do feel subjected to sorts of poor, badly put-out standards and expectations. And also want to believe that finger pointing is way less important than the growing.

I even know how I wanna grow.)

Not ragey, but i’m not 100% sure I can honestly predict where my head will be anymore.

(As if there’s an emptiness where I left my sweetness.)

Sometimes I feel so determined, and then I feel so stupid about acting straight when I know theres a huge crack in the furnace and I really wanna blast the heat and wish so so so much I could patch it myself.

Later on, I think I can, but then I wake up or think of things that feel a lil horrible

Realized yesterday I’ve also felt a repeat of personal history that triggers some strong experiences

And I hate that this has been aggravated by feelings connoted from that.

I accept that over the next few days just doing a great professional job at work and smiling with friends, will be prime accomplishments

But I don’t like the idea of being someone else’s stepping stone into something greater

I hate that lessons will be taken from me to provide better for a bigger picture outside of me

I know that’s not the point, too

And maybe it’s not super accurate, but fuck

I wanna apply recent and learned lessons to the source,

but after everything said and done

it’s probably not appropriate right now.

And I hate the idea that its not exactly healthy to express my preferences

In many ways part of me wants to go fuckit

but I think being brave is respecting what I’d said I’d do.

Doesn’t mean I like it or that it won’t feel a lil crushing. Really really really really sorry that it does.

And I know it’s not the best, either

It’s just a bit of my reality fer now

*lays down for 15 minutes more before going to work early*

Alright, this Eric woke up feeling straight-up depressed.

I also heard something I wasn’t supposed to.

And first thing I did was analyze why the reality was presented the way it was.

More than take insult.

But Rajeev is a good example.

Was so right about Rajeev, wasn’t I? The most cynical reaction I had about the effect of his idealistic behavior came to reality.

I wish that was dramatic, but that’s exactly as it happened.

And now my mind’s coming up with a bunch of anxieties and double-takes instead of pleasures Haven’t felt this way in years. PreDisjuncture and the idea for it. Laying in bed feeling like a pariah. It’s all sad bullshit, and I’m posting about it because lows are part of life and being human. It’s a shame if I have to make it personal, and if those who know me when I get affected, I think most know it’s not my personality to emo. But that’s not to say anyone’s invulnerable.  And it’s what you do with it.

Here’s what I notice:

Won’t sleep more than 3 hours in a row. Takes more to not slump as I walk and, if I do slump, feels like a 2 mile per hour deathmarch. I get imaginings of some horrible things and that feels more like a genuine feeling than most of the other things I do express feeling to throughout the day. Anhedonia: can easily walk away from games midmatch. Things like my cat seem more like background rather than a thing that makes me feel warm and fuzzy (until I recognize the cat and remind myself that it’s a creature that actually is connecting.) Have to make myself eat (and then I won’t lie, it’s usually delicious) but I’ve gone several nights just on a sad liquid dinner because I remember to crave rum or tequilla, but not food.  Oh yeah, able to get distracted from my own issues and thoughts IF I drink. Alcohol somehow breaks down the thought processes that make me miserable for a bit, and makes my brain dumb enough to go “nah I’m too dumb right now lol, put it on the backburner.”

Right now I feel like it’s more important to feel sharp than, good and dumb.

(It’s funny how naturally and consistently I refused a drink when I was getting into doing something really hard and well.  Cause I had personal reason to refuse, and I’m starting to see positive reason to again.)

Truthfully, a hole worked out for me the first time – over 1.2 years I pulled my way out out of a similar slump. Took a lot of determined and private soul seeking and time and resources. I found that inserting myself in a team dynamic and letting talent shine, developing it as skill, contributed something, made everyone’s life better, and in the end I felt super valid. New. Whole.

We all crave that feeling. In some form. Even if it’s not a team thing, I know that people need certain kinds of shared experiences in life to feel alive.  Even dangerous ones. With the right people.

(I also did a lot of life changing stuff in the process that I’m glad I did today. I guess it’d be more depressing if I was a discontent who’s been crushed and beaurocratized still in a government cubicle. I would also be a bigger, dumber egoist today if I didn’t fall into a hole before, and I know this.)

After learning this, next came disjuncture.  That’s the point of disjuncture and why I get horrified with the idea of mucking that too much to the point where it won’t become a huge share.

And you know, I sort of need that. We live in a world where sharing the above can cause more harm than sharing the lesson from it can cause good in your relationship.  Hey, Old Boy was largely about how you had to rise above your losses on your own, because the world would rather laugh with than cry with you.

There’s always a special thing about people who are willing to cry with you.

I think I’ve felt depressed cause I feel and see signs of being inadequate. Or like everyone should find less scary bullshit to tackle to make lives better.

(Hey, there’s a growing island made out of thrown away plastic refuse that’s killing the oceanic wildlife in the middle of the ocean somewhere.  Studies have proven you can boost your self esteem better by saying no to extra plastic bags, more likely than you can depressed with a human’s bullshit who has depressed sense of effectiveness in the world.

^Writing that made me smirk. Good ole caffeine.)

And I’m not inadequate. Can rationalize that without coaching. (And see all sorts of blatant and subtle clues around here. Don’t need anyone to tell me how to think or much weight I should put on things in order to feel as blase as they do. But feels are real feels.)

But I’m weighed and measured by a lot. Deemed insufficient. This kills who I was turning into. Hard to say if that’s good or bad until I turn into something else.
I’m not going to bitch harder than that.

Bitch not about bitchy abysses;

Lest ye become a bitch yourself.

And the fact is fucking whiny sucks and makes me farther from the best.

Here’s my current dream time. There is a picture of hope I did wake up with:

I’m not in a place in life where I’m ready to fill a hole. I want to be clear, don’t just want a lifeline from anybody, and it’s very important to me that I’m a good, basic, hardworking person who puts my own shit together. I don’t want anyone to be my crutch, as if I’m crippled without. My goal in life is to feel as if I’ve earned and deserve something phenomonal. My phenomonelogical clock is ticking. So, not basic. Not normal. I always feel dissatisfied and lazy and like I’m passing when I settle.

Last night I had a boost where I felt like writing moar Bahamut. Big deal since I’ve wanted to do it every day since weds, but I just couldn’t in the last 60 hours unless it was on b.s. Then i got the boost after yes, feeling some hope and real connection for even a glimmer, and reasoning myself into it after stepping on metaphorical broken glass and not confronting it.  3 pages, and then I stopped midwork.  I never do that.

But at least I started, and can continue today. But I know what King meant when he said he had his own tough time and afterwards, sat down and the words came – slowly at first – but then they began to come.

And this isn’t to tool myself out. I just want to make more bahamut (with its shamefully resonating subject matter of the protagonist, right now) and . . . be a producer and generator of a vein of life.  So, maybe, I just don’t get to relax and take it in right now unless I’m ok with just stagnating as a blusterboy.

Which I’m not.

And I want to be clear, I think that’s most important, that I need to do that, more than people just, treat me differently because I’ve got feelings and don’t like something.

I feel depressed but I don’t feel like being sad. So there’re some things I have recognized, that I need to recognize, and some realities to consider and recognize.

Following – here are some easy ones I can be open about here: I don’t want a great computer to become a tv; don’t want a keyboard to become for self-defecating and aggrandizement; don’t want my music keyboard to become a set piece for a smoke stand. Don’t want relationships to become reflections of failure and pain.  Don’t want video games to become set pieces for distractions, temporary distractions which take so much to fuel to stay those distractions. And finally I don’t want the letter I to be such a source of bullshit.

I could go on. I see the above as bunch of desire based statements from things I love. And I know no one wants me to sit here in a hole, except for people who live in a terrible hole in some level themselves. And they don’t count.

Plan time:

Live. Work. My best. Be ready. Don’t just be a whiny emo bitch. Relate and see the positives. This is a trial of the new years resolution (be realistic positive.) Do it. Don’t just make whiny bitch 1200 word entries about my feels. Learn. Refine imperfections. Do. More.

So anyway, that’s what I’m going through. I know some of what I want, but, I also think that if I get what I want that I still have a lot more to want to learn and live. I recognize I’ve begun to neglect some of life again, and that’s something I can’t allow myself to just do. (I think over the last 6 months I’ve been doing it, while learning to live fast and loose, and not thinking about what could be really important as much.)

(Gee, I wonder why Bahamut feels alive.)

It’s weird. Sometimes you do have to dwell in a cave – in isolation – to achieve a lil more.  I think I need to work in the dark? I think I need to see signs of light and life, but that I also need to be trusted – by myself – trust myself – to work in a cave until I craft my own kinda lights in the universe.

I like how that’s a pun.

I’m going to get to work throughout a lot of today.  I can feel the caffeine seeping in, and holy, holy, caffeine, I love you caffeine.

I feel much better now than at the start of this entry. Maybe it’s a positive upswing. Maybe it’s being able to recognize that I am in some ways Rick Astley incarnate, except much better looking.

(Think I’m a better dancer too.)

I don’t know how this positive buzz will last, but think my huge feels is a combination of all the things. In no order, I think I overtrained, basement means I have a house thing. Grandmother is shocking me into reality. Work. Life. Love. Dreams. Plans.

And in the end, words.

Which I’d like to do a little more than.

Anyway, words’ll always be there for ya as long as there’s life in the connections to make them.

Which’s why it’s time to make the donuts – really do something instead of putting energy into bluster.

/End rant.

It’s just where I am, although I see that maybe this entry’s too long, too.

Welp, tourney’s out

Lost after awesome mage deck action

I didn’t mind. Was great fun.

I’m also real tired of rehashing negatives and other people’s bs?

so here’s the vibe of the day that some can enjoyipate :

Ow

I do know how I feel isn’t intended. . . .