Uncategorized

walp

I do know no one’s perfect

(EVEN CYRRE  :-O )

(Maybe the Caerus character is most perfect – but he’s also got that secret which is like, an excuse)

and that time either widens OR focuses perspective

So that’s why taking a step back after getting real contact (and it says something, to get that) is good

also, beer with friends really does help in having one REMOVE focus, if you do that right

huzzah

and that’s the end of me escalating drama that could make drama a more escalated incident

I’m not sure about the other party, and I still think I might be facing undue villainization in that, a focus on my imperfection and it’s degree is apparently so bs that I’m being punished for it? Hmm

I dunno, really, and, that’s a lil bit of a concern, and it’s upsetting to see a person has rationalized that they can’t be nice to you, and will be withdrawing their self.  To say that you are that person in their life who makes them feel that bad?

Well . . .

I guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine, honestly, cause I’ve done that harshly to others myself

That’s a truth

and maybe things are too weird to work on any level at all if it applies, so I don’t even wanna talk about it further, and’d like to move forward any which way

Also,

I’m still gonna miss philly willy

who is a jerkface

for moving to texas

which really ain’t sounding too bad!

Standard
Uncategorized

Afore I go out!

It’s funny cause it’s true. Gnight all

Elaboration:

I’ve actually been reconnecting with a few people because I temporarily deactivated my facebook account.  And I think the real facebook account I make should be more like a social linkedin, after getting real-published, hard.  (That’s my fantasy idea.)

But I’m getting messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while cause I’m NOT ON FESHBOOK, which I think is ironic, and wanting to know why I deactivated it and you know what?

I logged in yesterday to get that screencap and kind of confirmed that I don’t wanna use this service hard right now, because, not to say friends are vacuous, but, honestly, some of THEIR friends have offensive opinions. And it makes me wanna engage, and, that’s sillypants often, huh?

Here’s what I think plays out – if you’re SUPER INTERESTING on facebook – let’s say you have an outspoken view on a hot issue – you might post a passion on your page.  And then either you get a bandwagon (yey, you win the universe), or, someone pontificates and argues something about it, or, no one cares and people feel like no one’s listening.

And honestly, I feel like the most successful facebookers either completely get their own enjoyment out of their page like a lil scrapbook.  I also think that they DONT post THE MOST interesting things, because if they did, what happens is someone comes in, and argues and shit starts getting talked (my buddy yesterday posts a great article about adjunct professors being underpaid, and it seems like a republican cousin came in to say it’s adjunct professors for being adjunct professors [wuuuut?]) and then people’s feelings (or, mine) verge towards negative.

I hate to say it but I think my favorite facebook is like . . . .my mom’s. (She’s really popular too because arguably, she’s secretly one of the coolest art leaders evar.)

On top of that, you are pumped with news articles that are dumb – kim kardiashian’s butt, literally – and ads that you have to actively consider whether or not it’s “news” or a sponsored ad.  Honestly? I used to spend an hour a day on this shit?

So yeah, I’m a lil done for a bit. My feed makes me either wanna engage, and it’s actually a form of work to scroll through a newsfeed’s slushpile to find things to like

But to clarify, it’s not to say people don’t do it for me.  I just get tired of doing that dance and feeling like I shoulda spent more time doing other things too.

Like this white space!

Because yes, I actually think it’s cooler to scream into a white space anytime you have constructive things to say, more than coalescing likes on facebook.

Standard
Uncategorized

I still like this background being white

Walp,

Life goes on.  I’m giving myself permission to be lazy for a couple of hours. My messenger is implying very dramatic things in text tho that’s making me wanna bleed psychology.  Or speculate as to people whispering bad advice. Or something? That’s the nature of speculation tho – I don’t know.

I do still wish I wasn’t pressed as a spoiled ass. Being spoiled isn’t really what drives my expectations or any sense of entitlement . . . .

(And one thing I’ll point out though is my self esteem is a lil higher than to just bitch into that.  All I know is what I’m receiving in response isn’t right feeling, and just weird from someone you regard with friendship. Or as a buddy.)

Anyway,

Oh . . . .white space.

You whitey, whitey, white space.

Standard
Uncategorized

Or just like, be harmfully cray at selfish times via text messaging as a limited media of communication! That’s an option too!

/Takes a break to watch some dexter and play hearthstone

I used to never care if my phone was next to me and the world was different then . . .

Standard
Uncategorized

Can today be recreational yet?

*reads shake it off entry.*

ok my other entry was a phoned in, negative, rawrawr man im pissed. And disturbed a lil, but, that happens.

Its a brick of negative. And, thats done. Shatted.

You know what else? I forgot about the shake it off entry.

Its a shame, and shit hapoens, but now i said what i have to say. Shake it off time.  I mean the philosophy shouldnt be to be so disregarding, so no need to abuse it, but after youve regarded something and identified its a thing….possibly with bad muju, or at least a lil haterade, then its time to regard a cliche as LIVING WISDOM.

So im gonna clean my house, and i have zome great plans this weekend.

Phills moving day, and party. Jaidree thesis dranks. Jackiw Whacky BeerCheese.  I should be content.

Also went an entire week without drinking btw – (maybe thats why ive been feeling sharp and intense) and got good work done. Not like that’s a big deal, just saying, I don’t seem to be craving booze (which I was for a weekend, and kinda worried meh) So . . . .keep that on mang!   Today can totally be recreational im done getting down i think. Right now it even feels like it, and im not even listening to shake it off.

Omg.

Magic.

Standard
Uncategorized

The wordpress writing background is white

You know the only time, big white screen, that I feel you mock me is when you are empty and I want to rip my heart out and gush out some feels but feel this expectant, negative energy and judgement from a potential reader.  When my respect flips a switch and says “Just shtahp.”

I really wish I could point out and still revel in this huge surge of productive energy I got yesterday (8 hours of combined editing and resume rewriting – both aren’t related.)  Apparently my urge to do that was poorly channeled. And my urges to adjust for that was poorly done (never make decisions before 8am, eric, even if they affect your normal first-in-the-day decisions.)

But take that, big white screen.

I could give you more. I wonder why I want to attack you so much big screen!  Fill you with words. . . . is this a good thing? I mean, maybe the words are kinda violent eh? When you won’t restrain em with rules, just relentlessly use them till you feel your target is dead (that people, is the proposed B.N.S. distinction of violence vs aggression that I’ve been taught.)

Which means, I guess one of the things I’m doing this year is occasionally withholding from that kinda urge. Remember, be more positive. (Which doesn’t mean be a sap or sucker, tho.)

So, I dunno.  When is violence ok? Really?  Counter violence?

And I DONT MEAN THAT AS A DUMB QUESTION — I’m really asking, when’s it ok to throw the rules out the window and just relentlessly unleash complete closure and domination?

Hmmm

I’m sure there’s an answer in this, white page. I could dig for one, but, let’s leave it more rhetorical.  The point right now is not to suck.  (Remember, the name of this site.)

And, considering some feels (SMAAAD) I did behave pretty awesome today (totally envisioned throwing myself in front of a train . . .true story . . . that was new. But on the plus side it also seemed SUPER unpleasant to be dragged [drug] into bits and pieces.)

I’m trying to unravel opportunity upon opportunity, and don’t get to give up on that, cause yesterday I was so pepped about my ability to uncover and work ’em. I wish I had more assets of a different shape while doing ’em, – could even point and go “but —–!”

but y’know, it is what it is.

(And I know only allowing in smad energy that is poor to act in = reveling in an excuse. To not do better. When you can. I guess it’s a shame that life can’t always feel like a house party, and that highs sometimes imply the possibility of lows, but who gives a fak.)

Standard
Uncategorized

I was watching dexter today and he said this phrase “psychopaths don’t feel psychic pain, but can feel physical pain.”

and that makes me wanna talk about psychic pain

but, that’s dumb to have smart pointifications to make on it, so I won’t.

(Psychic pain really is kind of a cool concept tho.)

Standard
Uncategorized

WHODARAT

I have a weird buzz in my head this morning.  Honestly, if aliens were abducting me by night it’d explain a lot.

(I’m only 4% serious)

Its kinda good to be sensitive. Sometimes. I mean, the mechanism making it possible is either a dysfunctional accident, or something that’s evolved over a complex thousand years. So I neva eva make rules banning sensitivity.

I guess this might make way for a dumb amount of emotional availability for some – for example, I’d like to see one artist who put themself out there who didn’t give a shit about their audience, and their initial audience especially.

And a special sensitivity some folks have is knowing give n take. I’ve actually known most of my best relationships to not have this. To not have a who is more interested mentality. By normalcy.  With bested buddies, and even women, there’ve been times that it’s just like “man this is legit and we just dig each other this much!”

The reason this’s possible by me is mutual gushing.  If both parties are just like “Yesh” and indulge with the other like a rat with access to a lever that pushes chocolate and gets chocolate, things are all good.  It just doesn’t become a power dynamic.

However, if it becomes more of a mechanism where the rat is fighting the lever, and now it’s being conditioned for a million billion presses, I guess the question comes into play of who is the rat, and who is the lever.  In that case, there’s a power dynamic, with the objective lever being able to influence the somewhat conscientious mammal.

What scares me about this, is in trying to figure out what I’m having a roundtalk, and realizing that most people EXPECT this kind of dynamic while dating.   Seriously, this happened two days ago and it hits me now: I watched a 24 year old girl goes to a 22 year old one “SO WHO’S THE MORE INTERESTED ONE” and with all due love to the speaking party (she’s a lovely person) this tells me, games are being played, at best?  It implies and teaches that in all relationships there IS a more interested one, and not two people who simply love getting at each other.

Because if you’re just letting yourself gush in that relationship, you’re not worrying about whether or not you’re getting a lever’s payback. Or who’s the lever. And who’s the rat.

. . . .

I guess it’s a shame if you feel you have finite pellets, because you really can’t be like a geyser.

:-O

Standard