And it’s good!  Can do a full spin and stay surrounded by my own things.  It’s a lil busy that puts a stop to things I’d normally like to focus on – painting, printing keys, fixing fixing.  Also, le return of the gas stove.

I CAN PAINT MY HOME WITHOUT LADDERS

Let’s see how wuh happon if aye dishapwine

Freelancing – hell yeah. And I’m realizing silly small superquirk blog outlets like this are great in some ways, but a lot of the individual expressions of opinion are simply that and nothing more.  One example I’m looking forward to – little payment to write for another site and its getting published at the end of Jan. I found that doing research then writing in an effort to avoid mansplaining is super calming. I think overconfidence and the urge to shape a positive opinion from others shouldn’t be confused with actually having something new to say.  That’s one of my criticisms for this blog in the last year – there’s less spewing of found and looked into curiosities in these thoughts than the crap anyone with brain cells can do. For a bit.

Long story short, freelancing, hunting, working for other people’s tasks that are also in line with my goals – new work model I’m finding it much more satisfying than finance. (Hellllll yeah to that! I’m not waking up resenting duties and wondering if things are being played fair. And considering how much freedom I actually did experience at the last work environment – kind of surprised.)

Anyway, I can tell this entry’s running into that theme to drive with the gears nature built in ya again.  So I’ll sum it up as 2016 is going to be interesting.  I has deadlines.  Also, moving next week, but I feel like that’s a smaller fry?  (Feel like my center of existence has always been more “ok I’m warm and fed let’s get behind a pc” based more than roof-based, so at this point I kind of feel like that’s a bit more whatever.)

On a NY note – experiences of 2015 carry so much ammo for reflection.  And, Imma reflect even more I’m sure.  But maybe horizontally.  It’s been a heck of a year, and I’m now even getting old. (I’m no longer part of the forefront generation, and it’s sticking out in a few ways. ) In the end, I think this “RATTAT” of the keyboard marks time less at this point than the ticks of the pc’s clock. As well as what I do. Yadda ya.

Anyway, happy new year!  (Sis is right, not sure there’s a reason to put an S on the New Year)

Here’s hoping all h00m0n’s are doing what they think they oughta to be ideal, and reap from it what they also oughta to make that gaddamn ideal ideal

No filter-mode + lotsa caffeine = take the points I’m dancing round with a grain of salt – or coffeh. This started out with me drinking too much coffee and being asked what I think are the correct more important decisions to make in a life (WHY DO PEOPLE WANT MY TWO CENTS, I’M A WEIRDO TAKING A QUESTIONABLE PATH.)

Anyway, it’s been a while since I remembered my ninja hippo, and 3am me liked the giggly.

Me:

Well I’m not gonna pull a well intentioned Aunt and just try to convince you to become a math teacher regardless of whether or not you like math cause that’s what my mind’s fixed on

Imma tell you to figure your shit out. That narcissism that’s in you and been beaten down by your more narcy old man who thinks he’s some awesome patriarch?

Wake it up. It actually leads to ambition

Then, start telling yourself how great you are. That’ll charge your ego

that ego will be the ammunition in your ambition cannon. Your narcassism will tell it where to fire

you let it tell you where it wants to aim

you do so, if you want, you find opportunities to yell KAMEYAMEYAAaAH to make the journey more enjoyable

have sex on the way

enjoy yourself

take note of haters. These are people who wish you were more pathetic, because they feel pathetic sometimes, and it might make them feel a lil inferior that you proudly don’t seem to feel pathetic in the same ways they do.

Cuz:

so basically be more like my High School self

Me:

Listen to how they shittalk you in their shitty book reviews. Laugh, and remember that the story is called “snarf the buttpirate” and ask why so srs

Sure

that

and then your spirit animal will meet with you

he will say “fire the cannon with me, with mee!”

and, you will have doubt odin

Cuz

my spirit animal is a vulture

Me:

there will be that internalized voice

it will keep you up occasionally

it’s the demon voice that tells you why you shouldn’t esteem yourself. Why you aren’t worthy, and how much of a PRIVILEGE it’d be for you to just follow other people’s orders and scrape on by

but don’t just listen to it

On the possibility that you can do better

One the real chance one day, your spirit vulture will descend from the cliffs

sying “AHHH

I SEE YOU HAVE CHARGED YOUR CANNON

AND AIMED IT

IT IS TIME TO FIGHT THE DEMON”

and the demon will appear

like the devil in a jack black song

YOU CANT DO IT ODIN the demon will say

NAH HA HA

(it may even dance at you, depending on its power level, and if it’s over 9000)

but that’s what your spirit animal is for

the spirit animal knows you

ITS BEEN IN YOU THE WHOLE TIME ODIN

Let it guide you.

let it fly about the demon, show you what the winds are like at greater depths. let it light the demon with its mighty scree

“CAWWWWWWWW”

and then, shoot that fucking demon in the face with your ego narc cannon cuz

Cuz

so before I can find a direction in life I first need to empower my spirit animal and then defeat the demon?

Me:

right in the fucking face

cause vultures need carrion

and your spirit animal is hungry

Your spirit animal is tired of being weak cuz

And once you feed it, he’ll show you where to soar

you can ride him higher and harder than harry potter rides the gryphon

the rest will follow.

That’s my advice.

Cuz

I will need some coffee

I will think about this

I like my life because I like my brain.  It’s not the best on Earth at anything on Earth except telling the stories it does, but I wouldn’t have another way. I’m also not starving and able to be a pretty fat animal if I want.  Most of my life, that was a solid measure of stability and success.

And, being older and in different circumstances means different perspectives.  Interactions, being serious, having goals – leads to lil dramas and trials.  In idea, I like these too.  And family, and people, leads to shifts in perspective.  (Small example: I realized I grew up with the word “soul” in place of a personal indulgence, and only recently became aware that there’re people who’ve been raised to consider the same thing “selfish”.)

And blah blah.  Time, passes.

I assure myself life is great cause it is and there’s so much good going with good people. Heck, super lucky I am.

But I’ve always recognized and found it fascinating that you can be succesful, with the greatest lover, and still feel depressed, and then feel depressed about feeling depressed when there are so many others who feel better with so much less.

(Cyrre Cyrre in the Cyrre.)

Cause for me, the truth is give me the greatest friends, sweetheart, income, and life still ain’t always bubbly. And who’s is, until they’re on their way?  Like it’s true that sometimes when alone I’ll wake up mad because the world has disappointments.  But it’s cause I’m not focused – I realize, it’s likely I’m prioritizing things that I should know better than prioritizing.

And getting focused isn’t a matter of “just get focused” like it’s that easy, as much as the task to do which must be done.  I know part of why I still have edits on Disjuncture to do was I wasn’t hard enough on myself AND ALSO didn’t say no enough.   Look, when you’re the best and try your best to live and be a soulful person, you’ll accumulate people you confuse who’ll try to make sense of you through their own lens, even when their own shrewd lens definitely shouldn’t apply.  Or at least not on a cat with eccentric enthusiasms.

I think nowadays it can be a real battle to take the time to do something you know you have to, no matter how much “free time” you have.  You need to be able to act on that drive, too.  Again, if you know what to do, and realize someone’s becoming an unjustified excuse, well maybe, fuck’em. Cause what, looking for a support network to do a goal?  Fuck that.  It’s too easy for our world to say “fuck yoo” so, advocate for yourself.  Get your own back.  Depend on yourself.

I feel like that’s the wisest thing I’ll ever know, cause sometimes people grew up in a way that makes ’em, not wholly good for another’s well being.  This doesn’t make ’em bad people – as much as naturally, people.  These not-good folks may even be few, but if you respect them, and they don’t respect their actual impact, they can selfishly be a shitty person without realizing.  Heck, amongst all my thoughts-to-say, it’s fact that I’ve done imperfect things and had to learn to be more sensitive and better myself. But that is part of the human experience, and part of individual life – evaluating what to do with whatever degree of sensitivities you have to these properties.  I have the new belief that American culture fosters that, a lot more than people with critical thinking who’re actually nice. (My mom’s one of those great untradable mothers who I think managed to shelter me from this by actually being a kickass person which made me think most people will figure out their own ways too, but not everyone creates life above their immediate challenges. It’s not fair to expect that, or assume the power to communicate towards that.)

So if you wanna be a nice person who thinks critically and creates products with these thoughts, well, you’ve got a challenge and you NEED to weigh what you’ll use your critical sensibilities for and what you’ll work on.

Guess that’s pretty much the end of my personal reminder and rant.  Sure, I might sometimes wake up mad but I think that’s a sign that I haven’t risen into my own way, more “Be mad.”  Cause when mad, well the temptation to find small distracting amusements – say waste time on facebook, or polarize myself on how I already see things, well those less awesome uses of time become more real.  As we get older, it’s easier to live in the past, as we get wiser it’s easier to look for disappointments that fuel vitriol but you know what?

That’s not actualized life.

I am impressed that there are really people who are hoping against what I’m trying to do.  I am impressed that my old man is out of touch and as negative as he is.  I am impressed at the people who grew up under conditions that make them think I’m spoiled (but I think they don’t know me, and again, that self-lense thing . . ) Heck, I’m really impressed at how capable of emotional battery the most battered of people – even noble ones – can be when being shrewd and arrogant with little regard for longer consequences. I’m impressed at how easy it is to talk about Donald Trump with most any American vs how easy it is to talk about science or awesome recreation.

But that’s just a little observational bitching.  It’s not the bottom line or end all. All one has to do is decide it’s not.

Part of growing a little cynical is losing illusions that people wanna be nice and loyal as much as self-benefiting. It’s easy to be an idealizing young person, but eventually there’s time for some cynicism to have a healthy impact on that sheltered soul.   In nyc at least, other people’s versions of soulfulness are generally not universal, and you shouldn’t hold a person who’s soulful – indulgant to the self – but negligent about what’s actually best for you or you’ll lose self respect in the process. That’s not all bad, and the idea’s not that embittering.

But that self respect part . . .  Being too compliant with the above sorts is a danger, and more so in an oversaturated world where we’re use social media to the extent we do.

Yet knowing what you wanna do when you wake up.  Being willing to work towards it.  Being able to tell everyone who’d tell you otherwise to fak the fak off cause you can feed yourself and be awesome without ’em, it’s necessary when you wanna do certain things greatly.  More necessary than just having folks who support you, that’s gotta come from within.

Yep, that’s a rant, but also shit I’ve learned from actually working and marathoning. It’s something I’ve had to realize this year – I can wake up pissy, but then I could get to work.  And then I can feel calm and pride, because i’ve earned it.

And then in that working mind (instead of agitated or confused) the folks who have expectations and desires about me their way only seems like a saddening alternative in comparison.

I’m one of those sorts who’s gonna do weird things till the day I die. I love that, and my folks super do too. If you get this far in my rant, I hope you’ll do the same. Real soul is a gift, not a vice. And sharing its enjoyment is a phenomena – it shouldn’t be a vulnerability.

Iunno man, sometimes I think Nancy Sinatra beats her old man Frankie in everything except confidence

Nothing could’ve made this song better:

It’s 6am. I’ve woken up again because J’s woken up earlier to do this thing she sweetly told me she’d do where she’ll make me oatmeal, with coconut oil ‘n banana. And coffee.  I add this weird request to put the water from the beets I made the night before in a bottle (and I never made beets before) because I’m going to mix it with the black coffee and drink it in 40 minutes.  I’m actually nervous about this, because I hope it won’t make me poop funny while on the move, but decide it’s worth the risk this because there’s some really cool recent research suggesting omgbeetshaveavasodilationeffect which does some awesome things, like consistently showing significantly increased performance in athletes who drank beet juice just before an event.  I want this.

It’s the morning of the nyc marathon.  I’m registered and supposed to do it.  We went in yesterday and got my bib and some other stuff, and this confirmed I was signed up.  (I also noticed it looked like over 15k people didn’t get theirs, judging by the rows and rows of boxes and boxes and boxes  of unclaimed bibs.) And I’m waking up feeling not so sleepy but my head’s in a swirl, and I can watch myself go through the motions of following a plan and getting ready. No, I’m not 100% in it, I’m flittering with body checks and thoughts and memories.

Lucien was awesome and got me in on a google talk for people running this year’s marathon, and they warned to get a good night’s sleep two night’s before, because you shouldn’t expect to get lots the night before, and that you’ll be thinking all sorts of negative last minute why’s the morning of. Man, they were right on both counts.  This year’s 2015 run is after halloween, – which meant the hour we spent getting the bib and running around the expo was only before putting on Gambit and Rogue outfits and doing halloween not so bad.  It turned out I had help – Rogue tried to sneak drink all my drinks, and I moderated indulgent things one’d normally do on Oct 31st all night.  (Empty glucose calories. Not sleeping. Dancing. Heavy moving. Booze. Drugs. Rogue.) Y’see the next few hours of my life after that, in theory, have been plotted out since April.

Although I’ve only been acting on them since October. Which is to say not a whole lot of training, and that worries me.

So it’s the morning of and marathon anx is making my head swirl. I’m thinking all sorts of “What a nutty thing for h00mons to do” type thoughts, and I’ve been warned about this at the same google talk. It’s also easiest at this moment, suddenly, to marvel at how ego-based wanting to run this kind of thing is. In theory, if you wanna run 26.2 miles you can do it far more conveniently on your own time. You don’t hafta be in a big ole marathon.

In theory.

(Regarding that last statement, the truth is not completely, as’ll be later explained. And “verifiable runs” which this is – the kind of things that make you eligible for athletic stuff like the olympics or other world marathons – makes a difference. And I’m about to learn there’re just some things about an organized marathon.)

Now uh, here, it’s very easy to do a “Why I Run.”  You can’t watch a casted world Marathon on ESPN without getting a few. And I don’t mind that, although I more like the idea of running a marathon being an intensely personal thing.  Because hey, there’re 50k people doing that this year. They’re all special, and will have their own personal experiences of getting through today’s event.  There will be a lot of moments that make it personal. There’s about 230 million bucks worth of resources expended so there’s protocol, and verification, and safety for all the insanity. It’s my belief everyone running will trip.  (Mentally, we’ll all find a zone and go through all sorts of emotions.)

I found the before – getting there – is more stressful than just doing the marathon. This’s because pre-run planning and self control isn’t always fun and it’s exponentially longer. You watch and control macronutrients, and feel bad if you’re not keeping up with whatever training up activities you’ve set for yourself.  In my most obsessive mindset I’ve also taken to watching lots of interviews with professionals through my hours and hours a day of ‘research’ and my favorite well-said quote is by Meb Keflezighi which was that he simply looks at a marathon as “an execution of a plan.” Spot on, if you’re not a crazy person who’s doing it cold.  Marathon runners will find in the weeks preceding, if not 24/7, an obsession about every fitness opp, food and bite decision to the marathon event’s point.  Also, straight up cutting extras (like smoke, if you’re me.) Pumping in, then tapering off your number of steps up to, and before this race.  Perhaps also convincing ourselves of weird extra-needy things – I got to the point that having a banana with toast and a little bit of peanut butter just before I sleep on top of everything else “just in case” became a compulsion. The more one trains, the more they look at their body as a machine that’ll turn the carb into forward movement.

For the running freak is a kind of nerd.

And again, it takes a while to work up to 26+ miles, and I almost am going in cold.  Again, I’ve only got a little more than 3.5 weeks of taking it srs.  I suck, and”kind of” uh “forgot about having registered” because running long distances isn’t as enjoyable as doing other stuff fast, and I made excuses.  Of course the morning of, all these fun things to do are all swirling high in thought, and I’m wishing I’ve trained more.  I haven’t trained much at all until at some point in Sep it occured to me that Nov was around the corner and that I really haven’t done much since running to and from work back in the “back-then” machine. SO MANY THOUGHTS, VERY FEW OF WHICH I WANT. I’m regretting that move where I slid down a subways banister then jumped off because that ankle hurts but, hey, don’t punk out – positive thinking. I gave myself reminders, as you hafta do when you’re taking something srs but your heads in this doubtful swirl anyway that does nothing but causing anxiety and avoidance. Here they are:

What I have done – I actively reminded myself of every point of what I think is pretty minimal, last minute preparation:

-Quit smoking of every kind, all the way to hookah- big change for me.  The lungs reacted appropriately.  And I’ve always figured that a body that’s used to not getting air feels like it’s spoiled once it opens up – I always feel extra hyper after 3 days of not smoking, and tried to use and prolong that. I’ve been coughing up all sorts of nasty all throughout October as a result, which’s a good sign. Seriously, three weeks of black ooze from the x-files getting expelled from ye old lungs every morning.  Three, gaddamn weeks.

-Slept. Lots. This’s also another change – I’m an old fart in a couple weeks officially and ❤ sleep all of a sudden.

-Started eating “clean” again which means stuff like greasy noodles aren’t the main food that my guts throw enzymes at.  I’ve been doing lots of soup and vegetables, fish, fruit out of the loom, yadda ya.  13 lb of dried brown rice died in my home that month. I totally accepted that I’d make a bunch of dishes and that it’d cost a little more.  (Fun fact: It didn’t cost that much more than pigging out.)

-1 whole multiday grueling hike.  I think urban runners should give weighted uphill hikes a shot – Intense hiking gets you out of breath with every step, and those mountaints teach you how tough yer legs actually are. I went with my buddy for 3 days of these uphills – mountains many many times my height, not just hills 20x it – and actually hiked until I puked.  (Brian’s description of this was a “Zombie-like fugue” where I sat on a rock once we stopped and stared into space until I puked and we camped and I didn’t even have the energy to eat dinner.  It was gross..)

-in the last two weeks I used my buddy’s gym membership and went through hard cardio work outs back in nyc every 2 or 3 days.

-The 5 whole days before, I knew enough to rest. As in, be lazy, and be afraid of walking. Glycogen – the stuff your muscles’ll use as fuel over most of a distance run is pretty neat. And, you can trick your body into more than doubling its stores by draining and then carb loading them after tremendous activity. It became a running (PON) joke around halloween to not move too fast because myself or someone would go “MY GLYCOGEN!”

-A week after that gruel hike, from BK to Manhat, I ran as much as I could to J’s house the week before – this ended up being a solid 17.8 miles. The distance was a definite .8 miles more than I’ve ever ran before in my life. This type of thing makes most people think you’re crazy, but I figured if I made that and felt alive that I’d recuperate in time and be able to push a farther distance.  And it worked.

-Reading – then learning that some people die, suffer intense cardiac damage – then doing moar reading, obsessive documentary watching, and then probably more reading.  I now have too much to say about how to prep for a marathon – let’s put it that way. (You also almost certainly won’t die if you’re not an extreme case on no training, and I’m of the opinion that it doesn’t takes an elite person, as much as a committed person to run one. This guy Malcom Gladwell has a great theory on the trend of marathon running as an act of conspicuous spending and that’s not me, but I can’t say I disagree either.)

-I remind myself that I’m always a little nervous before things I take seriously, but do them anyway and it usually goes alright. I’m just taking this 26.2 mile run seriously. It still feels like pre-dawn, I’ve been awake for the last couple hours off and on, and my head swirls like the steam in my morning shower.

At least, because of the 18 mile run to j’s – the long run I did just two weeks before, which didn’t erupt in serious injury and marked the longest I’ve traveled on foot in my life- I’m beyond the point of, “hmmm people have died from this before are I going to have heart attack?” Or, “is something going to go wrong and my body’s gonna go haywire and I’m gonna poop in front of my city?”  (I’ve read articles of people who’ve done this, and they think that’s normal.  Marathon sharts. No, time to not trust the fart.)  But I still remember as I take a shower, Mr. Pheidippides, the first guy who ran a marathon, died. He ran from a battlefield to the town of Marathon, and that was only 22 miles. (It was after the British royal family, being royal and lazy, wanted to watch the London marathon from their house so in the last millennium the distance was increased from 22 miles to 26.2 exact so they wouldnt have to leave their porch from Windsor terrace.  For some reason that caught on.  “Hooray,” says my doubt-voice, “runners since then, were running FARTHER than the first guy, who died from it.”

Really, you can sign up yourself and wake up before this sort of thing. I promise that unless you’ve trained super properly that it’s easy for a drama portion of yer brain to be like “Fak!” “This is weird for people to do” “so weird” “fak I’m doing it” “fak!” “I wanna go back to bed” “meeeeh”

This may be anyone’s brain before a first marathon- it was mine.

But then I got out and saw cool gear-like things laid out by sweet<3 -which’s incidently a dual reminder that you that you’re one of the humans going to do this and not to be a bitch and therefore calm yer titties.  Said spread reminds you of all the serious things you’ve done to cross this off yer bucket list.

Dawwww

A well organized spread helps realize more positives. Like, research indicating healthy humans ARE made for this kind of thing – more than other creatures on Earth – and that some humans are especially gifted at it. It’s not fair, but lotsa things in my life – from the enjoyment to casual running, to the degree I take it – indicate I might be a physically gifted fuckhead. Time to prove it.

Now, on your first event like this, then there’s this long trip, and hey yey, also the fact that you constantly need to pee cause you’re constantly hydrating. Within this cloud, you’re looking at what’s familiar and what’s supposed and in between you’re overthinking how much coffee to drink and when to time the caffeine just right.

Because the trains are faster than cabs, and the trains are loaded with people heading to the same event in similar attire but differently bright shoes, and then there’s a huge wait before a ferry with a thousand runners, and then this huge boatride over water before you really enter the goddang place where you can wait for a gun and the direction to run camp. Only if you’re extremely lucky like me, you’ve got a great close person being a great close person. This makes it much easier to not fall into the sea of dreary faces, which you will see and even possibly face the temptation of becoming part of  – because an extravagant few are happy, most people seem serious and afraid, and this WILL make you wonder what people looked like before storming Normandy – cause you’d think Normandy should seem much much worse, but you’ve always imagined everyone’s expression’s of grimness and terror pretty much will resemble what yourself and fellow runners are bearing on that subwayride.

(Hey, at least historically, people pooped themselves before Normandy. And at least you can joke about stupid shit like this if someone’s with you and they’re sweet – it’ll help pass the time. Did I mention yer still not taking off for hours?)

But even then, any and all sweet people have to go, and you’re marked by bib number and no one gives a shit about your ID beyond that and you’re herded and shepherded onto fleets and fleets of buses and you’re being directed by officials who’re appointing you to villages so you can run in waves.  You still have 2 hours before you’re taking off. Again, 50,000 people are signed up for the same run, and 49k+ of them are gonna finish, and no matter which one of them you are, there’s no way for this to happen otherwise.

For 2015 I’m in the earliest of wave 4 – it’s a more casual runner wave.  I’m not one of the people going for a crazy good 3 hour finish, I’m one of the weirdos who was lucky enough to win the lottery and get guaranteed entry if I registered.  By the time my 11am wave takes off, the men, women, and wheelchair champs will already be named.  We’ll be the residual folks.  It will be amazing if we can catch up to previous waves, as we’re ranked this way to reduce tripping over each other.

So then there’s less than an hour left, and I’m peeing, stretching, and going through security, checking my gear, and finishing coffee-beet-stuff.  There’s trash everywhere.  Maybe fittingly, this’s the Staten Island portion of the run – trashing an island until we cross a bridge.

And then I’m herded to some point behind the line and then waiting for that gun to go off.  There’s a lot of noise around.  I’m telling myself my running plan, cause this isn’t a normal or easy thing and tactics will help, as I’ve learned it’s ignorant to think “Go as fast as you can until you need to catch your breath and then catch your breath and then go some more.”  (I mean I thought that, that’s how I used to run, when I was maybe in better shape, and I think that type of mentality would’ve been foolish.)

But I’m on the line thinking, nah, I’m gonna go easy.  I’m gonna expect to be adrenaline fueled and feel like running faster than I should, and I’m gonna limit that.

I wanna make a quick rant thats weirder and more ranty than the above, but its point I think is also at why the heart of why the idea of running a marathon scares most people: mind vs body/ spirit vs machine:

I think most people wanna believe they’re capable of needed strength.  Like in cheesey anime, if bad guy’s gonna rip your mom in half and you’re a protagonist and it’s not the first episode – chances are you’re gonna summon a huge surge of strength and end this confrontation in a dramatic couple of minutes.   Most people, even ladies who can’t carry something up stairs, wanna believe they can do extremely powerful things when it comes to say – lifting a car off their babe.  Marathons challenge this, cause no matter who you are, there’s no way to end it in a dramatic flashy couple of minutes.  This will-based super power we’d like to assume we can have, won’t help.  Nope, 26.2 miles is also, definitely a test of the body at least as much as the mind’s will.

Well, dualisms cool – you can look at the body as a machine AND as a container for will.  As a machine – the body is a mechanical, but awesome, summation of parts that goes to transfer kinetic energy into chemical – which turns into psychological and spiritual.

The above anime-cheese relates to body use as a container of will “NO I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BIFURCATE MY MATERNAL UNIT SO I WILL SUMMON A SUPER POWER” and very different. You have to rely on disciplining the body more than what you think you’re capable of when you tell yourself you want something enough.  And that’s where this gets weird – how many of us think of fitness in terms of a look, and work being in terms of something that’s smart yet hopefully as convenient as possible?  Cause when we wanna look at machines doing work, I think many h00mons who’re used to machines doing the hard work for them (how many of you have had to carry 100 pounds up miles of a steep hill without a car?) imagine if doing physical work , it’s either easy enough to be a challenge that’s fun more than anything, necessary and as convenient as possible, or there should be some sort of anime like surge of emotion that makes them involved and act.

And I mean, that’s possible, and totally pumps in an extra boost, and sharpens your edge or drives you harder or longer when done right. But again, you can’t count on that over a marathon (plus I’m pretty sure that, combined with the lack of people giving him fluids is what killed the first guy) so to get through today, I’m gonna rely on my body as a machine that can convert sugar (and caffeine for added boost) and water with a little salt into forward motion.

More that, than ego.

In fact I expect my ego to be bitching lots over the next few hours.

Rant Summary: A marathon is too long to rely on tricks that award energy in short bursts. I have to be able to count on your drive more than your sprint, and that’s an intimidating challenge. (Also, the test and the point.)

Anyway, rant over, starting line. Lots of uniforms. Lots and LOTS of runners. The announcer’s announcing a bunch of stuff.

I’ve got a loaned ipod with 1.5 days of awesome music and a phone with 7 hours of great music. I’ve got this awesome utility belt with a few light goods: In addition to what I’ll call a SECRET WEAPON I have as an emergency measure just in case willpower is a bitch but I’m allowing myself to ONLY after mile 20. I’ve also got this Gu gel in there which is like a shot of sugar and a little salt in super gu form, and it has caffeine – I’m loaded with 5 of them.  I’m gonna space the Gu packets out.  I’ve got advil and I’m gonna take 2 after 5 miles and finish it off at 15.  I normally say no to pain killers of every kind after reading research indicating it’s anti-inflammatory properties interrupt muscle growing pathways (meaning it’s ironic shit for post-training aches) but, today I’m planning to hurt myself over a silly long distance. Having done 20 miles max before, something’s gotta give.

For I’ve read another thing suggesting every pound experiences 6.2x its weight at a maximal point of impact during a jogging step.  This means, people who take a running step at 300 pounds are putting over 1800 pounds of weight on all their joints at every step.  I’m 195-200 pounds, and not in terrible shape, but not built like a marathon runner – light, lean, with slow twitch muscle fibers.  I’m tall and full of all sorts of different feels and tissue that elite distance runners train out.

(There’s two kinds of muscle fibers for a reason, and I like my fast twitch muscle fibers too. They just get exhausted within 90 minutes and suck at fast recuperation more.)

Some guy yells that there’s 15 minutes left, and reminder: I’ve given myself permission to walk for lots of this if I need to.  With that permission comes the feeling that I need to.  I expect it to take lots of balls to not give into a city full of people yelling “RUUUN” and walk instead. I probably should have stood and watched a NY marathon for a few minutes before, cause my expectations are skewed by university 5ks.

Suddenly guy makes another announcement, and all the blue shirts and nypd alike are pushing all runners to crowd before the starting line and I’m in it, and there’s an announcer playing the crowd well, announcing supermen who’re running their 400th marathon, people from different countries.

Everyone is ready. We’ve been ready. Cmoooooooon.

But I’m still doing what I can. I’ve got body glide in my utility belt and applying a second or third layer to everywhere – everywhere. You gotta make sure your balls don’t chafe, man.  I’m pretty sure there’s mutual understanding in the stacks – before everyone takes off – and no one gives a damn or is very understanding.

(Body glide, btw, is awesome. Spoiler alert: I experienced less chafe throughout that thing than I have running 5 miles.)

I have to disregard paranoia that I forgot a chip in my package bag that’ll nullify my race results.  I learn the chip is actually in my bib, which I’ve got pinned on my shirt.
It’s about to start.
They’re playing “I love New York” and Cakes “The Distance” right after, and especially the latter’s gonna burn this run into my brain forever.
My nipples are taped down because of horror stories about bloody nipples.
Oh yeah, I forgot they use an actual gun sound.
One goes off.
Everyone ahead starts to lurch forward.
The still crowd turns into a wave, and I see the incoming current.
Finally, suddenly, I’m in the nyc marathon.

TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL I DO ONE OF THE MOST PHYSICALLY DEMANDING THINGS YET *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

In other introspective bs:

I’d be lying if I said I was a perfectly content person.   I’m not, cause I’ve got shit to do, goals to reach, and live in a big city where social friction gets in yo’ face, just for say . . . .riding a subway.  I’m hungry, despite all my nutritious food, and I’m ok with that.     But the life is good, and I appreciate that.
I’ve also noticed since getting to steward some big assets how pride and sharing can work out.  You could make generalizations such as prideful people sharing, people with egos sharing, turns into entitlement.   Prideful people may be super defensive, which leads to escalations of friction rather than direct discussion and fair exchange.  Etc.  But that friction and how it plays out, and a new belief about a certain Way of responding to it playing out congealed in my head a couple days ago, and the more I think about it, the more and more I believe it.

So for starters regarding me, hell yeah I’ve got some pride and ego.  (I’d like to believe I act on gifts enough to deserve some, and you can’t stop me.)   I’m even not perfect (but I am the best) and like purty much everyone, had to figure out some tough decisions and calls – you do the best you can, and the smartest you can figure – that’s all people ask – on top of LEARNING, and constantly improving.  That’s the stuff that really oughta create a long term relationship.

But I’ve noticed something: in this life, where people grow apart – natural occurance, doesn’t have to be the most dramatic thing in the world – every day I start to see more and more why a lot of super smart people I’ve identified as super smart end up being reclusive (although, I’m not there quite yet, and prefer that) falling outs WILL happen with people who are strong, sensitive, and have certain kinds of drives.  That combination = either you turn into a people pleaser most of your life, or you find yourself with a higher amount of social friction to sort through.  If yer weird, feel strongly about certain things, and sensitive – well heck, you’re bound to have a disagreement. Socially, I enjoy attracting more than one sorts of person, cause I’m attracted to a motley crew sort – and as life happens, again, disagreements, bound to happen.  I’ve even had big tiffs with some of my closest friends, and ya know, we usually re-knit.

But here’s a 2015 twist I’m noticing – because certain things I’m more sensitive too, and in this case I think it’s my head trying to save time:

There’s a specific kind of arrogance that’s a deal breaker in many relationships, and it makes the arrogant person more miserable in the end.  (Disclaimer: this IS NOT about any specific person or incident, I just think too much, and this’s a generalization I think is good to stick with.)     It’s a type of of psychological arrogance – a certain conceit in thinking you KNOW something you’re actually only speculating about.   I like the phrase “When you have judged something you have stopped thinking” and a willingness to judge so easily, so stubbornly, even if you’re “cool” about it – I think it costs the arrogant person almost as much as the people who try to be nice to them and garner their respect.

It’s not something everyone does.

Psychological training = a lot of people think it IS a sort of trained arrogance – the balls to psychoanalyze someone and tell them because they wanna put their lips around a cigar that they have phallic issues of some kind.  FALSE.    The real art of psychology is making a hard science out of something that’s really fucking hard to measure (based on soft observations.)   It’s important, cause it’s easy to think you know when you’re really inducing – and the key here is the second to proceed to follow a line trailing from one mis-step, everything in your model is wrong.   Even neuroscience, is so fucking painstaking and slow because there’s so much interconnectedness and possibility between every transmission that it’s hard to KNOW an impulse and how something works.  (Yeah, every time you comprehend “THATS DOPAMINE – you’re receiving a gross simplification.)  A healthy respect for that – to the point before it mystifies human behavior – is super wise.

Cause to my mind, the biggest skill in psychological training is knowing when you don’t know.  This isn’t to mystify, because I believe you can come into a deep understanding with almost any person and how they tick by actually connecting with them!   However, the PATIENCE and skill to observe when it really matters and get to know them – heck, this’s how people get to predict some people better than they know themselves.  This goes beyond looking for your conclusion, but finding cold curiosity in the person (more than how the person extends to you – the more subjective, and the more stake you have a person, honestly the harder this’ll be to do.)  But it’s totally possible.   I’d like to believe I’m a good read of people, and it’s not because I’m assuming, or think I’m smarter than I really am. I usually just watch until intuition identifies a pattern, and then I start to verify.   I guess that’s my method.

But here’s something you don’t get to do, and I think this has marked the difference between when I connect with a person again after a disagreement, and when I keep ’em at arms bay cause I feel that maintaining and continuing their respect comes at too large a cost of self: when they tell you how you think.

Really, trifling people – the ones who are miserable – ever notice how few times they actually got to know someone before forming a strong opinion of ’em?  I think more often than not, that’s what happens.  And in my lil obsession of the narc. personality type this mid-year, a common theme presented itself:  LOW EMPATHY.

That’s right – some of the most manipulating, conniving, selfish people – more often than not, they have a really stupid way of getting to know they people who’ll eventually wanna play the v-card.   Just as an example, a lot of people who come off a spin with someone who approaches a narcisistic personality type – they also come away so pissed at themselves cause hindsight’s a bitch, and they realize they weren’t dealing with someone who actually got others.  They were dealing with a person who had a strong opinion of others as people putty. And many narcs are surprised at how they come off, or how they actually affect others, or how others respond. Narcs by and large are NOT masterminds of human behaviors, as much as people who seek to control it and aggrandize their self in the process.  And it’s really interesting when people project, cause, heck, maybe they can’t see farther than their own motivations for good reason.

And what I really get to, is my belief that there’s just a HUGE difference in identifying a behavior, or an emerging pattern, or a response, vs identifying how a person thinks and is and telling it to them.  That last part – I’d say it’s a fair rule to just not do that unless you’re hellbent on disrespecting the person, cause it’s a lil more than disrespectful.  And this’s the belief congealing part that I’m starting to actually swallow – telling someone what they care about, how they think, how they don’t think, in my experience that’s it’s turning out to be shown most often in people who had shitty childhoods.  Sup with that?   Seriously, if your parents smile a lot and are genuinely happy and get along with others, you’re probably more tolerant of speculating on behaviors and figuring out what’s ACTUALLY going on rather than focusing on how it pertains to you and why you might wanna manufacture that person’s reasoning.   It’s an asshole generalization, but one that seems to apply – maybe it’s “my parent lost patience, made a judgement, and depicted how it’s acceptable to explosively react on this premise for they had the power, and as I grow up, I too shall exercise my own powa.”   I don’t know (see what I just did there?  I’m speculating, I’m exploring possible connections, yes I might be a lil asshole in looking for proof to validate this hypothesis, but it’s a hell of a lot better than trying to be smarter and outwitting people by assuming I know them better than they know or present themselves.”)

So I mean, I like assuming different styles have different merits.   And I like figuring out what makes people tick – it’s more than a genuine hobby!  But what I especially don’t like, are people who act on statements that maybe oughta begin with “I feel like . . . ” and turn it into “YOU . . . ”      That’s more self-respecting than respectful.  Accusations on the inner workings of a person’s psychology, I could use words like asshole, or toxic (although more often than not toxic = a really whiny buzzword, honestly) to describe the effect you may have – especially when you’re being shrewd (Nathaniel Hawthorne – the shrewd lad, great fucking allegory on the issues of shrewdness)
I mean if you’re right even 70% of the time, it’s terrible to arrogantly overlook the 30%, or the way that people change because you wanna feel like you have a smart deep understanding of that which you analyze.  While it’s sexy to penetrate another’s soul – while the other sex LOVES it when you can look into their inner workings and see the ideal and spit it back to them – I’d say, sometimes it’s smart to take a step back and recognize that you don’t have omniscient observational power, but that you DO have great intuitive power, and that you have to balance these two extremes by having patience.  I feel like most people will find that this extra bit of patience will salvage more than a few frictionfilled interactions when said friction occurs.  Again, being/growing into adults, it’s likely not everyone is going to cherish and respect and appreciate all the hard decisions you SHOULD HAVE TO MAKE in life.   Growing apart is totally, normal! But doing so respectfully, involves the self respect enough to recognize when you’re speculating and analyzing what’s presented as part of an aspect, not acting like you’re a trailmaster in someone else’s noggin.

These days, I figure this’s how my greatest friends and relationships (and current great one) can involve such assertive, strong personalities, over long times, without actual clash and snapped twigs – that extra bit of patience and curiosity, the identification of virtue, the patience to tolerate that people aren’t perfect and that learning will happen in a quest towards greater perfection, and that some people need to learn or adapt their weird ways to the world – all of this, huge boons.  It’ll make you so easy to get along with, and less pissed off when interacting with people who to you, aren’t your ideal.

Anyway, curiosity about things worth being curios about (cause I don’t believe in giving every asshat all your time and brainpower, some people do suck)
+combined with the patience to have a thorough explanation
+and solid intuition with self awareness

All this combines into a person who’s hella cool ❤

You know . . . .or you can be a judgemental fuck and have a bunch of shallow relationships, or be a miserable arrogant recluse.

THE POWER IS YOURS!

Yeah, I kinda like life.  A lot.  Even in nyc.

2 more days 2 more days 2 more days 2 more days

Just finished a 2 day 40 mile mountain climbing hike.

Also, my buddy is a decade older and kicks my ass at it.  He KICKS, my ASS at endurance and uphills and preparation, and, yap, the best way to motivate at getting better at something might be doing it with people who’re better at it than you.  As of now fitness kick is me.  Fucking A, marathon coming up – let’s do this.

A couple entries ago I did a diatribe about how I’m not sure inherent badness or inherent evil is a thing.  I stand corrected.  Recently, someone showed I was shown a log of messages where they were real victim and . . .extremely conniving and disgusting.  (Again, social networking exposes and rears an ugly head – but what was read, the lies I understand just downright insane.)

And, while I have a special disdain/sensitivity for people who’re mostly about putting on some kinda front – as in, people I have to do a double take, then realize their actual motivation is NOT as presented, then recognize tthe person has put energy into presenting said front more than making an ideal truth – yep, that’s a special pet peeve and, I know it’s something people do and, I know sometimes it IS mature to not try and shove yer genuine feels down another’s throat so yeah, there’s a place in not wielding your authentic emotional side everywhere.

But apparently, sometimes people are also disgusting.  Like, more than selfish – it conceals a disgusting nature which would have been quirky and special if there weren’t lies to conceal it and only reveal it to people who’re as shitty as you. So I stand corrected, and maybe a lil disappointed and disgusted but that’s less important.  There’s a point to learn here, and now I decide the diatribe before was alright natured, but naive.  Yes in most fiction, moral opacity is wonderful – more interesting than bad guys who want to be evil so they can laugh about it -, and more human than these flat, shithead characters.  But also, conniving horrible folks who have lil excuse except they’re wired that way are totally a thing. I’m now feeling that I’d be a hopeful doof wasting lots of energy if I don’t accept that.  (Like a weird guy I found myself getting angry on someone else’s behalf during le hike, and I know that’s weird, but I was shocked at finding out what this person’s really capable of and, well just ew.)

I can’t say I’ve had nearly as horrible happen to me.  Not even close.

Anyway – I’m abstaining from smoking (everything – ALL THE THIIIINGS) and you know what’s a thing I’m noticing?  This word is coming to mind during even the stressiest of times and it’s my new favorite one right now.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equanimity

What a great word^

Anyway, great to be back.