I’m sorry if this makes me seem like a lil whiny bitch.

I’ve got that in me too.

My novel disjuncture needs elbow grease.

I wrote half of it in 2013 while in a very permissive state of mind and some great stuff came out.  Also, as did some convoluted sentences.

Here’s the thing. A novel nowadays, I think needs to be better written than the bible.

And fuck you if you get all “OMGERRRRD, HOW COULD YOU SAY-” just fuck you, shutup and listen moron

most people don’t read the bible. They couldn’t. We’re coming to an age where new people are as equally likely to go “I wanna know about the bible” and youtube or wikipedia the bible, as actually read the bible.

Not to say there aren’t advantages to that.

But most people won’t read the bible not because it’s boring

(CMON ITS GOT GENOCIDE AND HEAVENLY BATTLES AND SLORES AND DEMONS AND GIANTS AND HEROES AND VILLAINS AND BETRAYED AND ALLEGORY AND RACIST FETTERED MISOGYNOSTICAL HOMOPHOBIA AND ALL THE JUICEY SHIT, and it’s probably got historical significance, no one is allowed to tell me the bible is boring)

Most people won’t read the bible because it’s not in a language that’s not appealing to their wittle bwains.  They don’t have the discipline to say “FUCKIT, PLOUGHING IN ANYWAY” until the words become meaning because they know they have wikipedia and youtube.

And again, not to say there aren’t advantages to that, but that’s what I believe, that’s what I know, and that’s why I think many eyes glaze over during mass, even though none should . . .

I mean, pretty insulting to the word and syntax translated from what many hold comes directly from Above, right?

Now, being aware of this, I don’t care how great are the ideas in disjuncture (fact, they’re there and great and this’s what makes me adamant about it’s execution and plot and characters – even the risky ones)

it’s the polish and story telling that isn’t mastered. And I love this bible comparison cause . . .imagine trying to remaster the bible.  Arrogant, insulting, sure, but also quite an effort! And at it’s current state, it’s 15k words less than the new testament . . . so.  . .hence all the bible comparisons.

This’s something authors do that I think is underappreciated.  It’s underappreciated in movies about authors, and books about authors, which I think is the ultimate gnar – editing the beast.  Fuck those movies where the guy stands by at a typewriter or word processor and the next day it’s done. How does the guy not have that nagging feeling every time he’s read it until he wants to go back and hand it off and go “YES, RIGHT” – for me that takes like, a few run-throughs until I can read it recreationally and be comfortable with the voice.
All of this is a really whiny way of saying, mang, I gotta see what’s up with this disjuncture dream because as far as I can tell my brain is that way after being well rested from like, 11am till 5 or 6.  And guess what I’m doing then?  Finance.

I forgot why in some ways I was more productive as a bartender . . . it didn’t take those hours.  In fact, it fueled them.

Just something to think about.  I really have to think about the next few years of my life carefully. Mostly cause I’m turning 30, and I only get those years once, and I think they’ll set up the rest.

I also seem to be getting an eye infection.  My right cornea/eyelid feels itchy and sore, and tears like crazy when exposed to air.  It’s slightly redder.  And obnoxious. So I looked it up on WebMD because I like to joke that every time I get symptoms that I look up WebMD will tell me that I have cancer.

But this time it didn’t.

This time WebMD told me I have eyeball herpes.

Thanks WebMD!

I do know no one’s perfect

(EVEN CYRRE  :-O )

(Maybe the Caerus character is most perfect – but he’s also got that secret which is like, an excuse)

and that time either widens OR focuses perspective

So that’s why taking a step back after getting real contact (and it says something, to get that) is good

also, beer with friends really does help in having one REMOVE focus, if you do that right

huzzah

and that’s the end of me escalating drama that could make drama a more escalated incident

I’m not sure about the other party, and I still think I might be facing undue villainization in that, a focus on my imperfection and it’s degree is apparently so bs that I’m being punished for it? Hmm

I dunno, really, and, that’s a lil bit of a concern, and it’s upsetting to see a person has rationalized that they can’t be nice to you, and will be withdrawing their self.  To say that you are that person in their life who makes them feel that bad?

Well . . .

I guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine, honestly, cause I’ve done that harshly to others myself

That’s a truth

and maybe things are too weird to work on any level at all if it applies, so I don’t even wanna talk about it further, and’d like to move forward any which way

Also,

I’m still gonna miss philly willy

who is a jerkface

for moving to texas

which really ain’t sounding too bad!

It’s funny cause it’s true. Gnight all

Elaboration:

I’ve actually been reconnecting with a few people because I temporarily deactivated my facebook account.  And I think the real facebook account I make should be more like a social linkedin, after getting real-published, hard.  (That’s my fantasy idea.)

But I’m getting messages from people I haven’t talked to in a while cause I’m NOT ON FESHBOOK, which I think is ironic, and wanting to know why I deactivated it and you know what?

I logged in yesterday to get that screencap and kind of confirmed that I don’t wanna use this service hard right now, because, not to say friends are vacuous, but, honestly, some of THEIR friends have offensive opinions. And it makes me wanna engage, and, that’s sillypants often, huh?

Here’s what I think plays out – if you’re SUPER INTERESTING on facebook – let’s say you have an outspoken view on a hot issue – you might post a passion on your page.  And then either you get a bandwagon (yey, you win the universe), or, someone pontificates and argues something about it, or, no one cares and people feel like no one’s listening.

And honestly, I feel like the most successful facebookers either completely get their own enjoyment out of their page like a lil scrapbook.  I also think that they DONT post THE MOST interesting things, because if they did, what happens is someone comes in, and argues and shit starts getting talked (my buddy yesterday posts a great article about adjunct professors being underpaid, and it seems like a republican cousin came in to say it’s adjunct professors for being adjunct professors [wuuuut?]) and then people’s feelings (or, mine) verge towards negative.

I hate to say it but I think my favorite facebook is like . . . .my mom’s. (She’s really popular too because arguably, she’s secretly one of the coolest art leaders evar.)

On top of that, you are pumped with news articles that are dumb – kim kardiashian’s butt, literally – and ads that you have to actively consider whether or not it’s “news” or a sponsored ad.  Honestly? I used to spend an hour a day on this shit?

So yeah, I’m a lil done for a bit. My feed makes me either wanna engage, and it’s actually a form of work to scroll through a newsfeed’s slushpile to find things to like

But to clarify, it’s not to say people don’t do it for me.  I just get tired of doing that dance and feeling like I shoulda spent more time doing other things too.

Like this white space!

Because yes, I actually think it’s cooler to scream into a white space anytime you have constructive things to say, more than coalescing likes on facebook.